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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart July 17, 2014

If not, this is an abject failure. If it doesnt happen my career as a journalist may be over. Lets get to our top story tonight, americas Immigration Crisis kid edition. Since october, 52,000 unaccompanied children have been picked up trying to cross into the u. S. Whats driving these people north is crippling poverty and outofcontrol violence in places like honduras, guatemala and el salvador. Jon there are kids in trouble. I was always taught by my parents to follow the golden rule. Whenever you see kid in trouble, yell another them in a language they dont understand. Go home not our problem. If obama likes them so much, let them stay at the white house. [laughter] jon thats an interesting suggestion. Although a grown man inviting thousands of kids to his house gives off a bit of a neverland ranch vibe. [laughter] all right. So look, its not like these countries developed problems overnight. Why the sudden kidsplosion . Repu ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart September 11, 2014

Jon whoa, welcome to the daily show cheers and applause jon my name is jon stewart and we have a good program for you tonight. My guest tonight, the secretarygeneral of the United Nations ban kimoon is going to be joining us here tonight because, you know, i really dont know why. laughter im excited, but i dont know why. But first, you may remember earlier this year, the what do you call Baltimore Ravens ray rice found himself in a hot water when a cass insecurity caught him dragging his foe and says unconscious body out of an el after he had assaulted her because a gentleman without never leave his fee san fiancees unconscioused aboutee unattended in an elevator, i mean it was the sort of dispectable act our society would not tolerate. And the Justice System had no choice but to throw the book at rice. Specifically a ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart July 17, 2014

Sometimes the q a in the beginning gets a little out of hand is what im saying, but if youre like many of our viewers, youre probably watching this show right now while driving. And if thats the case, stop very dangerous, not because it pulls your focus from the road but because of the road itself. The federal Highway Trust Fund is about to become insolvent. Jon oh, my god [laughter] first of all, i cant believe our federal highways have a trust fund. Get a job. Your parents didnt pull themselves up from gravel just to have you lay there. Well, actually. Now, i know our federal highways are the vital circulatory system of our nations commerce, but what exactly happens if it loses its trust fund . The Highway Trust Fund runs dry next month. Upkeep and repairs needed for an aging highway system. 65 of roads are in lessthangood condition. 25 of bridges need significant r ....

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COM The Colbert Report July 17, 2014

Show you know, and i take this seriously, my most solemn duty is holding our elected officials accountable. And tonight i have reeled in the biggest fish in the big apple, our mayor. cheers and applause no, not michael bloomberg, bill de blasio. Ive waited a long time to hold de blasio seat to defire because we all know what this man is. Mayor de blasio is a socialist, all right. Hes just flat out a socialist. Americas leading leftist, mr. Tax the rip, the mayor of new york bill de blasio. Bill de blasio, this your mean socialist. I think bill de blasio is a socialette, i call him comrade mayor. Comrade mayor bill de blasio is going to sock it to the rich, sock it to wall street. I wouldnt be surprised if wall street leaves new york. Stephen thats right. Thats right. Thanks to comrade de blasio, wall street is going to leave new york and move to the part of the country where people like them. Ill get back to you on that one. His honor launched his
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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart August 6, 2014

Border bedlam. Humanitarian nightmare. Chaos and despair. The situation is so dire. The crisis at hand demands action. Unless we sit down and reason together, were going to end up with the status quo. Jon so all we need to save ourselves is for congress to sit down and reason. [laughter] together. Oh, my god [screaming maniacally] can they do it . [laughter] did they do it . Because actually, spoiler alert, you could have watched the news between friday and monday and you probably already know, but if you did not because you were at the theater, heres how it went down starting on july 8th the white house today asked congress for 3. 7 billion to deal with the flood of unaccompanied children coming into the United States illegally. Jon okay. But i dont think they asked for it by putting it on a white board on a fence. 3. 7 billion dollars. Thats a lot of money. Congress . Were not going to write blank check for 4 billion. [laughter] ....

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