Netherworld, Utah
Dear Mr. or Ms. or Whatever Gender You Identify As:
I am applying for the position of mattress tester with your company. I have been preparing for this job my whole life. In fact, I have slept away approximately a third of my life in so doing.
Steeled with this wealth of experience gained from my on-the-mattress training, I am confident that I am uniquely qualified to be the best mattress tester your company has ever employed.
That is because I have extensive lumbar and cervical stenosis and scoliosis. In plain English that means my spine has more doglegs than the worldâs most challenging golf courses. It would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to squeeze through one of my spineâs narrow canals.