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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130129

I guess my jokes could be better, but im not willing to put the work in. Plus Comedy Central wont put enough money into the bits we do, so the production value sucks. And finally, its [bleep] impossible to clear a lot of the clips that we want to put on air. Not everything can be fair used, you know . Was that over 140 characters . [exhales] [applause] why have you stopped showing vomiting in each episode . It adds a lot of character to the show. [retching] [audience oohs] youre welcome. Why is john cusack so amazing . [bleep] you. Did you have sex with the sex doll from tonights sode . Dont call it a sode, you ass[bleep]. [cheers and applause] [laughs] oh, cross your fingers. Hope yours made it. To see more of your questions answered, go to our website, comedycentral. Com tosh. 0. Thanks. Make sure you watch our next sode. See you next week. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by
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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130130

But when i look again hes still hating on me [eagle caw] stephen tonight, obama fights Climate Change even though change was his campaign slogan. Flip flop [ laughter ] then, tensions rise in north korea. Not above 55, but you know [ laughter ] and my guest, michael shellenberger, is an environmentalist who believes in Nuclear Energy. Finally, liberals that glow in the dark. [ laughter ] axe body spray has announced a contest that will send the winner to space. Still not far enough to get away from the smell. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report. [the colbert report theme music playing] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [cheers and applause] welcome boom boom woo [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] stephen yes yes yes [cheers and applause] absolutely. Welcome. [cheers and applause] yes, please. Thank y ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130130

Whats your name, sir . Rick. Did you eat Steven Seagall . He looks like a puerto rican who walked into a hairstylist and said make me look italian. Whats your name, sir . I loved you in duck dynasty. What are you dog the bargain hunter . Boy, you know, life looks terrible in perfect. When youre here, who is tuning banjos for mumford and sons. Enough with the bread already. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central jon welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. Oh, tonights program tonights program is one youll enjoy. Our guest a woman who skyrocketing to fame by bleep in a sink [ laughter ] Doris Kearns Goodwi ....

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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130129

Cheers and applause jon thats our show. By the way, you can see right here me sitting down and having a conversation with bob costas. You can realize why they only want men in the military because were just bigger and stronger. Thats our show. Heres your moment of zen it will be great for the rest of the week right youll get the rest of the forecast in. You cant complain about the overnight low. Man, two weekends ago it was captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [eagle caw] stephen tonight, obama fights Climate Change even though change was his campaign slogan. Flip flop [ laughter ] then, tensions rise in north korea. Not above 55, but you know [ laughter ] and my guest, michael shellenberger, is an environmentalist who believes in Nuclear Energy. Finally, liberals that glow in the dark. [ laughter ] axe body spray has ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130129

Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Dont forget to see zero dark thirty by Kathryn Bigelow and captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. The guest tonight, listen to this, settle down. Supreme court justice, thats right, today on the show, Supreme Court. Thank you very much Supreme Court Justice Sonnia Sotomayor cheers and applause unless i believe shes coming out here. Unless this is another elaborate hoax by manti teo nemesis
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