Im not complaining about that. But when i told my parents that, they said why . Did the other two guys pass away . My mom told me i was too stiff and that my suit didnt fit. And my dad wanted to know why i didnt mention my Cousins Construction company. Im just so glad to be working again. My days normally start out with the zoom preschool circle time song, the joeys are here today. The joeys are here today. Hip hip hip hooray. The joeys are here today. So glad i missed that song. Next, put sunscreen on my kids. Growing up, i dont even think my parents knew what sunscreen was. My father used to lather me up with olive oil so i could get a beautiful tan at the age of three. Then snack. Then lunch. And when theyre done with lunch then we snack again. Then i take the kids on a walk where somehow, i am the only one walking. Then its nap time, for me. Next, i watch eight minutes of tangled, four minutes of trolls, and 30 minutes of cinderella. Then i negotiate how many bites of dinner equals
Will get worse before it gets better, which may be true, but its still a weird campaign promise. When asked about former associate of Jeffrey Epstein and accused sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell at his press conference yesterday, President Trump said, quote, i wish her well. And then somewhere an assassin said, thats the code, and started screwing together a plastic rifle. Thats right he was asked about accused sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell and said he had met maxwell numerous times over the years and wished her well oh, no, thats going to become a trump rally chant, isnt it . Wish her well wish her well former Attorney Michael Cohen has written a tellall book about President Trump. Seriously . Harry potter wasnt written about this much. What else is there to know oh, wow oh, it says hes a touch racist. What page oh, all of them. The Democratic Party recently drafted its 2020 platform, which is 80 pages long and was drafted by a 15person panel, as opposed to the republican platform
Ill never forget when jimmy called my agent about this gig. My agent said theres no way in hell adam driver will do this, but i also represent sean hayes. And i want to take a second to say hi to my husband whos back at home supporting me right now. Hi, scotty, i love you. And if you even think about touching the horse puzzle without me, ill suffocate you in your sleep. Now that were all having fun, im going to tell you something that will ruin your month. It turns out that coronavirus might be spread through air conditioning. Experts say ac can spread coronavirus by creating strong air currents that can move the droplets and contribute to increased risk. This is why i stay cool the Old Fashioned way, by getting drunk and falling down a well. Wow, remember 2019 when air conditioners were only killing us by melting polar ice caps and falling out of apartment windows . That was quaint, wasnt it . Remember that . I will say this, if giant windblowing fans are to blame, we may need to quar
Results say it is safe and produced an immune response in patients. Another in cansino biologics, is said to have presented i cant bodies in a month. Another pfizer and biontech. Trevor this is exciting. Not one, not two but three vaccines . And isnt the story of life . One moment you have too little, the next moment youre overwhelmed with options. Three vaccines . Which one do i choose . The chinese one, the oxford one. This is so hard. Can i get a scoop of each. Yeah, a scoop of each. Part of me likes the fact they arent made in america. America is one country where people will let politics to stop them from getting the veeps. I dont want that trump vaccine. Im resisting a Biden Vaccine is a liberal trap. You think its a coincidence that coronavirus has the letters a, o and c in it . Now, as hopeful as this is i please remember there are a lot of steps between now and a full vaccine. I mean, need to finish the trials, they need to ramp up the vaccine production, plus they need to pro
Get a keeper of the peedm itn bf fries and a 32ounce of tear gas for just 5. 99, or just beat me up and take it youre above the law. Its fascist franks, south of the loop, where our beef is the mussoleanest in town. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, for whom the cold spell. Plus stephen welcomes Greta Thunberg, with a special appearance by keeganmichael key, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen what have you got going . What are you doing after this . A party. Stephen you know were not supposed to date the staff but i was just wondering what youre doing later . Ive got plans. Stephen mmm. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Id like to start the show with a little bit of good news. The first voting in the president ial election starts in six weeks. Are you registered to vote . Go register to vote. Right now. This is a good year to vote. And a lot of people are looking forwar