cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome, good to have you with us. Thank you. [ applause ] stephen anybody out there who knows me knows that im a well known outdoorsman. Ime out there. And of course, i love mother earth. Just like the wise native americans with the buffalo. I believe that we should exploit every part of the planet. Theres still a cu couple of animals i havent worn a shoe yet. Meerkats make great comfort insoles. But now the Global Warming winers at the u. N. Released a report thal raise the urine levels in your pants. Dire warning. The Climate Change could destabilize human society. A new United Nations remit raised the threat of Climate Change to a whole new level. Scientists say were running out of time. Food and water shortages. Floods, droughts. Floods, wildfires and cyclones. Swimming together. Thank you, doctor. Stephen the report claims that the problems is so bad they added a new level of risk tolt danger chart. The high color blazing red now go
Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central stephen welcome to the report. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you, folks. Welcome to the report. Good to have you with us, everybody. Folks, that this crowd tonight is as crisp as a new stalk of celery. And this is why i will never phone it into the last drop. cheers and applause nation, before i say anything else tonight i would like to say tmobile. laughter tmobile proud sponsor of that thing i just said. You see, i agreed years ago that every now and then i would do these integrated sponsorships on the report to help pay the production bills and thats what that was. So lets laughter lets get lets get to our number one story which tonight is a number two story. Doctors believe theyve come up with a way to help with constipation. It involves a vibrating pill. Doctors in israel are testing a new pill that shakes up your intestinal area and gets thing
Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephens stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen . cheers and applause stephen thank you, folks, thank you so much. That feels fantastic. I mean after after a greeting like that, after a greeting like that i cant reasonably ask for more. But i do. cheers and applause stephen folks thank you. Folks, you watch this show. You know, i have made no secret over the years that i am a huge fan of bill o rielle. He is my mentor, my inspiration, my i have read all of his books, killing kennedy, killing kennedy, killing jesus. He is a literary master of the nonsurprise ending. And papa bear is one of the smartest guys out there. But he doesnt have to move other people are dumb, because he hires somebody else to do that. Correspondent josse watters was does a rekouring segment watters world named of course after water world, wchb the most successful and critically acclaimed films of all time. In the segment, watt watters demonstr
Of philadelphia. And i may have overstepped. Sometimes you hurt those you dont intend to. In this case, the philly phanatic. Obviously theres no need to rehash who called who a bleep up jim henson reject looking piece of bleep . Or words exactly to that effect. The point is, it was said. Most likely by the one of us who doesnt have a blow tickler in place of a functioning larynx. However, after our taping, it was brought to my attention that the mascot of my preferred baseball club, one mr. Met, is himself neither fully animal nor human but is in fact an at least equally hideous halfman halfball mutant with a baseball instead of a head. Why someone would take a job where he is surrounded all day by bats, seems like a recipe for trouble. The point is, im sorry i offended mr. Phanatic. I know how difficult your life has been since that sex tape came out. Seriously, was that the cardinal mascot in the corner pleasurerring himself in i dont know how that guy got in there. With that out of
Ill ask him how he feels about achieving his lifes goooooooooooooaaa sarksl [laughter] but first big Campaign Finance decision out of the nations highest court. Breaking news from the Supreme Court. Major Campaign Contribution case. The case was brought by alabama businessman who argues he should be able to support as many candidate as he wants in an election cycle. Jon who is stopping you . I mean its your lawn, right . I mean [laughter] wait a minute, you dont mean support like support, you mean support like support. I think this say fundamental free speech issue about your right to spend your money on as many candidate as you choose. Jon right, right. Im sorry is the whole money seek wall speech as a way to further amplify big donors influence on politics. You know, because for some reason money equaling money wasnt getting it done. [ laughter ] the court left in tact how much any person can give to a single federal candidate but it did away with a limit on how much anybody can give