cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen welcome, good to have you with us. Thank you. [ applause ] stephen anybody out there who knows me knows that im a well known outdoorsman. Ime out there. And of course, i love mother earth. Just like the wise native americans with the buffalo. I believe that we should exploit every part of the planet. Theres still a cu couple of animals i havent worn a shoe yet. Meerkats make great comfort insoles. But now the Global Warming winers at the u. N. Released a report thal raise the urine levels in your pants. Dire warning. The Climate Change could destabilize human society. A new United Nations remit raised the threat of Climate Change to a whole new level. Scientists say were running out of time. Food and water shortages. Floods, droughts. Floods, wildfires and cyclones. Swimming together. Thank you, doctor. Stephen the report claims that the problems is so bad they added a new level of risk tolt danger chart. The high color blazing red now goes to very high color purple. Obviously high wasnt actually that high. So why should we believe that very high is high. Only when it reaches ultraviolet. And yet the human eye cant see that. But were not paying attention anyway. And were never going to. At least according to a much more optimistic study put out by my favourite environmental group, exxon mobil. In the reported the shareholders released the exact same day as the u. N. Report, exxon acknowledged the need to adopt the policy, and concluded the governments are highly unlikely to adopt policy that is cut emigs. Exxon knows what theyre falk being, because the company contributes 20 million a year to the American Petroleum instituted which lobbies against kliementd change legislation. You see, the government in action increases exxon share price. Exxon then uses that money to influence politicians. Its a phenomenon called the green house effect. [laughter] [applause] stephen also, the green centered effect. They spread it around. Folks, you know, i love Capital Punishment. It sends a clear message that we as a society think its depraveed to take a human life, and to prove it, were going to kill you. Thats why i was swollen with pride when i saw this from the Chattanooga Free press. Tennessee is seeking execution dates for 10 death row inmates. Its an unprecedented move for a state thats executed only six inmates since 1960. One official says theyve never seen 10 execution dates all at once. Stephen you have to to 10alt once. Thats how you get the free stuff. They had to halt all executions in 2011, because the italian Chemical Company that made their lethal drug of choice. Sodium pentobarbital stopped producing it after tennessee couldnt guarantee it wouldnt be used for Capital Punishment even though they said it would only be used as an incredibly effective cough suppressant. And the scarcity of lethal injection drugs has forced us to scramble for substitutes. Its like when you run out of half and half and have to put skim in your coffee. Just kill me now. [ applause ] stephen a lot of Death Penalty fans in the audience tonight. These substitute drugs have made Capital Punishment seem unusually cruel. After a know an oklahoma inmate were injected his final words i feel my whole body burning. Big deal, i yell that all the time in hot yoga. And during an ohio execution in january, the prisoner made snorting and choking sounds at least 10 minutes, and finyd 25 which is particularly disturbing because a lot of these executions dont sdart until midnight, and hello, some of us have to get up in the morning. Fortunately, tennessee has found a way around the public lethal injections, and its the subject of tonight. [applause] folks, these botched lethal injections all share one fundamental problem. The problem is the public heard about them. But a new law in tennessee allows the state to withhold all kinds of information from the public, including the type of drugs that they plan to use. You see, if they keep it secret, they could use anything. Sodium pentobarbital, sodium and barbosol. Diet coke and mentos. The cinnamon challenge. The new law also allows tennessee to never disclose who the drug manufacturer is, which is very important, because the new drug they want to use, sodium pentobarbital, is not available from any legal drug manufacturer. And you know youre going to get quality product when the slogan is, dont tell anyone where you got this. But no worries, folks. [ applause ] no worries. Because a spokesperson for the Tennessee Department of corrections says we are confident we will be able to secure the drug when necessary. Yes, they will be able to get the drug, either from a reputable licensed pharmacist or from a guy loitering under the overpass. Of course, some outside agitators call the people theyre going to execute demanding to know whats being injected into them. You see, according to their lawyers, the people have a right to know the department of corrections isnt torturing citizens using public funds. Right. Because thats the cias job. [ applause ] well, the public eventually may have the right to know, but what about my right of id rather not know. Now fortunately, tennessees law also make its impossible to know exactly who will carry out the executions. Oh, oh, that makes Capital Punishment into a fun game of who and its great, because americans support the Death Penalty, but dont want to know how the sausage is made. By the way, until we know how theyre killing people, id stay away from tennessee sausage. [applause] if the story about secrecy of execution is nothing knew, one of the tennessee lawyers argued the states information to keep it secret is settled. The process. Wearing hoods at executions has been around since the middle ages. Tennessee just wants to take the system back to the middle ages. But even with all the [applause] stephen there is still something that makes people uncomfort ablg about strappinga a guy to a table and watching him die. The guy on the table. Why do we have to know who he is, it puts a human fies on humanless faces. The government should tell us they caught a bad guy, and made sure he was bad with a judge or whatever, and once justice is served, put him up on a scoreboard outside the prison. Or better yet, just keep executing people the way we do now, but instead of blindfolding the prisoner, blind fold the public, and thats the word. Well be right back. Mrax ut[ applause ] [paintball noises] the annual company retreat. Planned, as usual, by this guy. Nature lover. People person. And you put up with it all. Because he also booked you a room. At this place. Planet earths number one accomodation site booking. Com booking. Yeah thats a little better, right . Now, see i love this neighborhood. Trulia says the schools are excellent. I like it. Must see. Well, that was a bust. Mnh. Its three bedrooms. I found a great new listing. Little busy here. Nice. Uh huh. This ones open right now. Lets check it out. Its the agent. They accepted. Shut up were getting a new house what . They accepted. Owww. [ male announcer ] that moment when it all comes together. Thats your moment of trulia. Download the free trulia app today. Stephen ladies and gentlemen, you know, i love Silicon Valley. Its an innovative utopia where you can see your dinner on your glass from inside your uber and ignoring the hobos while down loading on to a wall. I was disturbed to learn that many of techs brightest minds are focusing. Theres a Plastic Surgery boom, now Silicon Valley is placing a huge premium on youth, and it has men over 30 turning to doctors to keep them young. Basically, if you hit 30, youre no good for any of these tech companies. Stephen yes. What you want is somebody who is dropped off by their parents and then asks you to are buy them beer. And how can investors tell the difference between an empty 32yearold hut, and the future. For all we know, this guy is a Senior Citizen with cheek implants and a hoody thrown on to a house coat. Have you ever met anyone under 70 named mark zuckerberg. And this affects me personally. I was in on the ground floor of tumbler, and flipper, and scours the internet collecting other startups for resale. Now luckily, ive got excellent youth scar, and ive got a pitch right now with a young genious, the next Silicon Valley. Glen, get out here. [ applause ] good to see you. Nice to be here, glen. Were doing youth speak. Hello. 0, and nice back to you, glen. I can tell by that hip facial hair and that you are super young, but i want to make sure you havent had Plastic Surgery just to trick me. Name a cool band ive never heard television. Do you know uppersan crush. Gillio barn . How about ruby, donkey donkey donkey. Stephen three donkeys . I never heard of that. Okay, youre young. What disruptive digital breakthrough have you cooked up in that millennial brain of yours. Holdol. Introducing snap shirt. It keeps your collar straight while streaming data to your smart phone about how your collar isnt bending. Stephen okay, okay. Im intrigued. How is it monetized . Lets say bit coin. Stephen ive heard of that. Ive heard of that. So whats your roll out plan sthi. Were going to post it all over social media from christian mingle to the elk club. Stephen sold, sold. Heres 10 million. [applause] thanks, see you in urban outfirsts. Glen, everybody. Im going to be rich. I want to tell you about a unique group of people. These people all love their dentist. They also have one other thing in common. We helped them find that dentist. Because finding a dentist that youll be comfortable going to, that you trust, is hard. At 1800dentist, weve helped over 8 Million People find that right dentist and we can do the same for you. So dont put it off any longer. Call 1800dentist today. I hit stuff. Hard. Real hard. So i know tough. And duralast is tough. It can take the cold. And the heat. Trust me. This battery can beat up your battery. Duralast. Proven tough. Get in the zone. Umm. Its the new flatizza. From subway. Thats from subway . Whats a flatizza . Its melty cheese and marinara. On super crispy flatbread. Tom, im patching you in. And over here. Introducing the bio duplicator great to see you guys. Did i just blow your mind . Flatizza the latest invention from subway, the new flatizza. Crispy flatbread loaded with mozzarella and made the way you say. Now get two for 5. Subway eat fresh. Directions to the nearest subway. Stephen welcome back. My geftd is abc journalist who has a new book about taming the voice in the head. Lets see if he can tame the voice in my mouth. Please welcome dan harris. [applause] sit down, there you go. All right. Theres a few people out there who may not know that youre the emmy and Award Winning journalist, the cohost of nightline, and the weekend anchor of good morning america. You reported on combat from afghanistan and made six trips to iraq. Your new book is called 10 happier. How i tamed the voice in my head. How it actually works, a true story. Zyme afraid thats all we have time for. Thanks for coming. [ applause ] stephen now wha, is 10 happier mean . Well, i said a lot of times in the reform of this book hanging around with selfhelp gurus solve your problems through the power of thinking stephen why cant you . Its impossible. Stephen yes, i can. I used to not be happy all the time, and then i grew a pair and manned up. [ thats awesome. Stephen boom. You just made my case for me. Stephen the impetus for this. Youve embedded with the troops in afghanistan. Youve been there for fire fights. You came back, and felt the stress of that. You had a panic attack on air. What did that feel like . What show was it . Good morning america. Stephen youre supposed to be happy on good morning america. Yeah t yes. Stephen so what came over you . My heart was racing, palms sweating, and i couldnt talk. I was halfway through six stories i was supposeed to read, and i had to bail and send it back. Stephen you were experimenting with nonprescription drugs . Yes. After the war zones i got depressed and was sprnltding wit was experimenting with cocaine and ecstasy, and it raitzs the level of adrenaline in the brain and caused a panic attack. Stephen did you have a pacifier in your mouth and a blow stick. What did you think how did you think that youre making me realize i did it wrong. [ applause ] stephen thats good. Okay. So then the late great Peter Jennings pult you on religion after that. Right. Stephen what religion helped you . Did you find jesus . I met a lot of people who knew jesus, and i was moved by their storys. Nothing spoke to me personally, but i did ultimately find meditation. Stephen what religion did you find meditation . Buddhist meditation. Stephen and will that meditation be something that helps you when youre eventually sent [laughter] you sit there in the fire like this. Its a good start. But for 10 more happiness, youre risking an eternality of damnation. I hesitate the slightly on the buddhist thing. The meditation comes out of buddhism, but can coexist with a belief in jesus or any faigts oth or no faith. Stephen what is meditation supposeed to do for me . Does it hollow you out and make you a shell of a person . No. Thats the stereotype. That you have to be deeply into aromatherapy. Shave your head, live shoeless. Not true at all. Its simple brain exercise. And the super power is it gives you a different relationship to the voice in your head. Stephen what do you mean the voice in your head . The inner anchor man jammering at you all day, and judging, not wanting, casting yourself forward into an idealized future or remembering the past and not focusing on whats happening stephen ive got a voice in my head and its telling me youre going to be great. Okay [applause] you want stephen sure. You guys tom do [applause] its veryicism and he will quick. Step one, simply close your eyes. Second step is to notice where youre feeling your breath most prominently, the belly, nose or chest, and feel the brelgts coming in and going out, and every time your mind wonders. Like what am i going to have for dinner, and why did i say that to my boss, just catch your wandering, and come back to the breath. And you break a lifetime of habit of Walking Around in a daydream of future and past and focusing on whats happening now. Stephen and you say that this is going to give me a super power . Yes. Stephen it will . Will i have deep vision when i open my eyes . I hope not. Stephen that was pleasant. Is sleeping the same as meditating, because i seemed like it now. Not a problem. Falling asleep is something that happens when youre meditating. Stephen do i really want to move into a mood to be happy . [laughter] because the world is rough, and terrible things happen. Do i want to be like a hippie newsman interviewing terrorists saying dont thats is to misunderstand meditation. Meditation doesnt make you where anybody can walk all over you. It enables you to see clearly whats happening in your head. Stephen you can defend yourself still . Absolutely. Im a small man, a punch might not hurt the attacker, but i can stephen due feel like throwing one right now . At you . Yeah. Im worried about the heat vision. Stephen see how it goes dan harris, thank you so much. Dan harris. [applause] tv 10 happier. Try it. Try it. [ beep ] oh, hey jim, this is my sister, lisa. [ jim ] mmmmm. So, hot. Whoo mmmmm. That is hot [ male announcer ] made with real cheese and premium cuts of meat. [ ding ] hot pockets onononw . cw . c . Wowoww roxnnnn and premium cuts of meat. I like it. Must see. I found a great new listing. Little busy here. I love this neighborhood. Nice. Uh huh. Its the agent. They accepted. Shut up [ laughs ] they accepted. Owww. [ male announcer ] that moment when it all comes together. Thats your moment of trulia. And then take everything out ofn the truck and out of the boxes . You know the answers to questions like that, so youre the best person to do your taxes. Intuit turbotax. Its amazing what youre capable of. Boring yeah if you want to see old faithful dont be such a couch potato yeah just go check out the thing for yourself highlander we aint got no room for boring ferdy gerdy ferdy ger boom [ cluck, cluck ] no, we aint got no room for boring for boring, we aint got no room ahh [ male announcer ] the allnew highlander. Toyota. [ animal ] lets go places. [applause] stephen thanks so much. In just a few short moments, this broadcast will end, and then what will we do . Talk to your kids. Its midnight. Why are your kids still up . Youre a terrible parent. Luckily theres a new way to never be without my show. Just down load the new official app which for some reason works on ipad, iphone, and for some reason, the 2003 motorola razor. With the app, you can watch everything this network has to offer from the latest epicodes of colbert report to archived epicodes of the colbert report, plus you can catch up on other great programs like southern park, hash tag, workplace comedy. Future simpsons, and of course, the john daly show. Its a great app, and id like to be clear, i have absolutely no control over what goes on in it. So get your copy wherever free apps captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org announcer please welcome joe derosa. crowd cheering boston holy bleep you guys are revved up
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