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COM The Daily Show July 13, 2024

I always tell people that i broke my back so i can keep getting that check. Ah. You know how smart i am. I know youre smart. Yeah, i can count to 80. [laughs] you can count higher than 80. Yeah, sometimes, but sometimes my mind gets foggy. Mm, mm. But listen. Ii need you to bring me on. I need somebody with some essence. [laughs] ill give you 25 cent and a lollipop. I dont need no lollipop, boo. You like lollipops. [laughing] when you push me out and everybodys in the audience, ima jump out of the ima jump out of this chair and then im gonna just start beating the shit out of everybody. What . 50 cent. Im gonna get bobby browns little ass. Im getting him. Bobby brown gonna beat you up. He gonhe gonna, uh, dance battle you and kill you. I dont think bobby brown can dance anymore. What you doing for your birthday . Im gonna punch a watermelon. What . In my backyard. Youre gonna punch a watermelon . Yeah, cause itit feels more like a face. Oh, my god. Who is this playing on my phone . cau ....

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COM The Daily Show July 13, 2024

Us, everybody cheers and applause so exciting. Also on tonights show, the return of colin kaepernick, why superbugs are all going to kill us and the ongoing inquiry into the biggest political scandal of all time andeth not impeachment. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with the alarming medical news that has scientists tarped world freaking the bleep out. The c. D. C. Says superbugs that resist antibiotics has killed nearly twice as many people as we thought, and at the rate the infections are growing, todays medicines could become useless. The c. D. C. Says drug resistant infections kill more than 35,000 people a year, the equivalent of about one person every 15 minutes. The danger isnt the antibiotics but rather the superbugs that evolve to resist the antibiotics used by farms and those drugs used at farms enter the food supply. Were at the beginning of a catastrophe. Even a simple cut could have a deadly staff infection. Trevor youre not serious bacteria can now ....

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COM The Daily Show July 13, 2024

Is coming to tucson this year, with sarah tiana and todd glass. All the money from that show will be going to these wonderful charities. Ill also be performing in vegas, phoenix, west palm beach, reno, and honolulu. As they say in the famous weezer song, ill be blessing the rains down in. Australia, with shows in sydney, melbourne, and brisbane. Perth, sorry, thats a big no, thank you. Did you know, in 1984, australia began digging a tunnel to america and its scheduled to be completed in 2022 . Now its time for the tosh. Oi oi oi aussie viddie of the weekie. If youre a [bleep] fair dinkum [bleep] fullgrown aussie, this is what youd have for breakfast, you [bleep] dog [bleep] a [bleep] vb longneck at 20 to 8 00 in the [bleep] morning. Get that up ya. [ laughter ] you had me at dog [bleep] god, that is a huge earlobe. Alright. Tonights book is by dan brown. The da vinci code . No. Digital fortress, which is widely regarded to be his worst. Good night, illiterates [ cheers and applause ] ....

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KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 13, 2024

All it takes to win risk chaos edition is to boldly declare victory and leave chaos in your wake you just lit the board on fire. Guess i win again. laughing hey, guys, i just got the new risk chaos edition. I win son of a bitch risk chaos edition, nothing means anything announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight burning it down plus stephen welcomes steve carell and musical guest toby keith, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen hey there nice to see you i like it i like it thank you thank you cheers and applause thank you, dear friends. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. And folks cheers and applause in light of the darkness tha ....

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KNTV The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon July 13, 2024

Tonight, join jimmy and his guests daisy ridley Tom Hiddleston Michael Eric Dyson musical guest noah cyrus featuring leon bridges and the legendary roots crew questlove 1163 steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause jimmy please, have a seat. [ cheers and applause enjoy yourselves relax. Thank you very much. Welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Thank you for being here [ cheers and applause thank you for watching what a crowd you guys, thanksgiving is just a few days away. And i saw that about 50 Million People will be traveling for the holiday. Yeah, heres how that breaks down 10 million are visiting family, while 40 million are delivering weed to those 10 million steve wow. [ laughter ] jimmy listen to this according to a study conducted by motel 6 [ laughte ....

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