Is coming to tucson this year, with sarah tiana and todd glass. All the money from that show will be going to these wonderful charities. Ill also be performing in vegas, phoenix, west palm beach, reno, and honolulu. As they say in the famous weezer song, ill be blessing the rains down in. Australia, with shows in sydney, melbourne, and brisbane. Perth, sorry, thats a big no, thank you. Did you know, in 1984, australia began digging a tunnel to america and its scheduled to be completed in 2022 . Now its time for the tosh. Oi oi oi aussie viddie of the weekie. If youre a [bleep] fair dinkum [bleep] fullgrown aussie, this is what youd have for breakfast, you [bleep] dog [bleep] a [bleep] vb longneck at 20 to 8 00 in the [bleep] morning. Get that up ya. [ laughter ] you had me at dog [bleep] god, that is a huge earlobe. Alright. Tonights book is by dan brown. The da vinci code . No. Digital fortress, which is widely regarded to be his worst. Good night, illiterates [ cheers and applause ] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody thank you so much for tuning in and thank you for coming out so good to see you all im trevor noah our guest tonight is one of the most talented people alive, the creator of hamilton and a star of his dark materials on hobb, Linmanuel Miranda is joining us, everybody cheers and applause so exciting. Also on tonights show, the return of colin kaepernick, why superbugs are all going to kill us and the ongoing inquiry into the biggest political scandal of all time andeth not impeachment. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with the alarming medical news that has scientists tarped world freaking the bleep out. The c. D. C. Says superbugs that resist antibiotics has killed nearly twice as many people as we thought, and at the rate the infections are growing, todays medicines could become useless. The c. D. C. Says drug resistant infections kill more than 35,000 people a year, the equivalent of about one person every 15 minutes. The danger isnt the antibiotics but rather the superbugs that evolve to resist the antibiotics used by farms and those drugs used at farms enter the food supply. Were at the beginning of a catastrophe. Even a simple cut could have a deadly staff infection. Trevor youre not serious bacteria can now resist all our antibiotics . Im a fan of resistance but these bugs are taking it too far. This shit is going crazy you realize you realize were really going to go back to the old days when you could die from something stupid like a tiny cut. It will be like in the 1700s, you get a paper cut and everybody will be like, well, thats that, i better get my affairs in order. Thats how you knew you were dying in the old days, when they told you to get your affairs in the order. I never understood getting your affairs in order. If i have a week to live, im not doing paperwork. Im dying, im living my life. Living people have 80 years to spend their lives organizing filing cabinets. Ill have two shoes on, a bunch of shredded documents around me, let my family figure out where my shit is. If they can find it, they can have it. Im not getting my affairs in order. Ly make sure i have a good last tweet. You dont want them observe to y this that does not look good at a memorial. Speaking of the super resistance, lets move on to the protests in hong kong, the movement may have started as a silent street march but now has turned into an allout war. Hundreds of protesters are trapped in a tense standoff with riot police in hong kong tonight after violence erupted in the streets there. This was the scene at hong kongs polytechnic monday. Barricades made of bricks, metal and other debris blocked entrances to one to have the citys top schools. With hundreds of police dressed in riot gear positioned outside. The protesters fought for control, using sling shots, bricks, molotov cocktails, even a bow and arrow. Here a Police Vehicle is seen attempting to cross protest lines but demonstrators repelled the moving truck with molotov cocktails, causing it to ignite and forcing it to retreat. The driver survived and the fire was extinguished. Trevor oh, shit that was insane i love how everyone has a plan till you set their shit on fire, then its back up, back up, back up its how funny fire does that to humans, were so fire and sophisticated but fire turns us into apes. I dont care how fancy you are. You could be giving a ted talks. Yes, the ethics of transhumannism must transcend oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh laughter i will say it is really amazing that the people of hong kong are still protesting this intensely after nearly six months. Thats commitment. I havent seen that much commitment since farrell decided he was going to be the hat guy. Trump is always coming up with something new to protest, so its hard for people to focus. One person says stop corruption someone says i thought we were here for kids in cages. Actually, im here for ukraine. Im here to resist antibiotics. Im the superbugs laughter thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to the top story. cheers and applause today was another day of the public impeachment hearings in the capitol, and what made today special was that it was the first day we heard from the witnesses who were actually on that infamous ukraine call. You know, to be honest, this makes me feel bad for trump. The poor guy is trying to do something shady and people keep listening in on him. Like our morms did in the land line days. Trump is probably in the white house going, get off the line im trying to get dirt on joe biden laughter while the impeachment train rolled on, theres an even bigger scandal rocking d. C. Today and just a warning, if you have small children at home, you should probably bring them over to the tv to watch this. Our congressman says he was not responsible for a noise heard during this interview. Ive counted at least five people testifying this week who were on the phone listening to the president talk about this swap of dirt for u. S. Military aid. Chris, so far, the evidence is uncontradicted that the president used taxpayer dollars to ask the ukrainians to help him cheat expelling gas in an election. laughter trevor okay, that was embarrassing. That was a fart on live tv. And it was a loud fart, too. That thing was so loud, i bet someone made a noise complaining. Someone says, hello, 911, i think theres been a wet shooting . Just so we agree its a fart play it once more. The president used taxpayer dollars to ask the ukrainians to help him cheat expelling gas in an election. Trevor that was unmistakably a giant fart. Sounded like a game show contestant got something wrong inside Eric Swalwells ass. We dont know if it was congressman swalwell. It could have been Chris Matthews. This has been the violent argument everyones talking about online. Who let it rip . This clip got so big that the two main suspects have actually had to come out and address it publicly. Swalwell said he didnt do it and even the hard ball twitter account for msnbc says it wasnt him and instead blames a mug scraping across the desk. The congressman shared the tweet came anything all caps, total exoneration seeming to take the whole thing in good spirits because thats embarsing. Trevor thats hilarious, total exoneration. A good joke by swalwell but its not fair to bring trump into this. Hes the one person who would try to own a giant fart. He would be, like, thats right, i farted and it was the biggest, most beloved fart of all time you know obama could never fart like this, he tried but he couldnt get it done, folks, couldnt do it laughter so for more on this floo flatult scandal, were joined by our d. C. Correspondent, desi lydic, everybody cheers and applause desi, youre there in the Capitol Building at the scene of the crime. What can you tell us . Yeah, trevor, the air is thick with speculation. laughter intrigue and obviously farts. laughter its clear the impeachment proceedings have put Eric Swalwell under an enormous amount of pressure, and yesterday on msnbc, that pressure was finally released. laughter trevor but desi, msnbc claims the sound came from a mug. Come on, a mug . Thats a pathetic excuse. If mugs made fart noises, coffee shops wouldnt be relaxing. Theyd sound like a yoga class in a retirement home. laughter trevor good point. How do you know it wasnt Chris Matthews who farted . Because, trevor, the forensic evidence doesnt lie. Didnted you see swalwells shoulders rise during the fart . Hes like a dog sensing an earthquake right before the moment hits. laughter and swalwells quick denial is the biggest tell of all. Might i remind you, trevor, that the law says he who denied it supplied it. laughter its right there in the constitution. Trevor desi, normally that would convince me, but but a bunch of old clips have been resurfacing online today because to have the story, and they show that this isnt the first time a fart has happened on Chris Matthews show, all right . Listen carefully to this clip from september, and these are absolutely real. Whats the penalty for this kind of case . So that really depends on how its ultimately structured, if they were able to some fart sound tax charge here. Trevor well, desi . Yeah, okay, trevor, i did hear something, but, i dont know, maybe Chris Matthews was wearing leather pants. Trevor seems to happen a lot, though, desi. Heres another clip from his show in december. The president directed that activity, according to this memorandum today. Ken . Yes, chris, and, in fact, you know, Michael Cohen already stood up in court and said that when he pleaded guilty to please theedz charges fart sound in the Southern District of new york. Trevor you heard that, right . But really that could have been anything. For all we know rachel was practicing the trumpet down the hall and chris wasnt on camera when it happened so that proves nothing. Trevor what about this one. Give me the skinny here, can we get a clean fart sound honest election tomorrow. Trevor desi, that was him, he spoke, the sound, th and then the pause. Did what babies do when they poop, wawawawa paws wawawawa. The only thing this proves is you have been googling Chris Matthews farts all day. Trevor why cant you admit hes a oneman fart factory . Okay, ill tell you why, trevor, because even though this might be a silly story to you, theres a real war on truth happening right now in americas and we journalists are the ones fighting on the front lines to defend all the institutions we hold dear in the words of edward r. Murrow, to be persuasive, we must be be believable. To be believable, we must be credible, and to be credible, we very long fart sound laughter uh trevor desi mmhmm. Trevor was that a fart sound desi clearing throat sorry, i was moving my mug around. Just trevor desi lydic, everyone. Well be right back. cheers and applause olays new retinol24 faced the competition and rose above. Youve never tried a retinol like this. Olays retinol24 complex hydrates better than the 1 retinol. Visibly smoother brighter skin in 24 hours. A skin upgrade . Crushed it. New olay retinol24. Face anything. Olay. And also available in retinol serum and retinol eye cream. Wnongenemodi. Nongen. Oh, triscuit is nongenetically modified. Nongenemodiscuit. Triscuit is nongmo project verified. Triscuit. Make scuit happen. I am also not geneticallymodified. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. cheers and applause we are now more than halfway through the football season and things are really heating up which means its time for another edition of i apologize for talking when you were talking. cheers and applause whoa whats up, football junkies . Im michael kosta. Thats roy wood, jr. , and as they say, were ready to jam the sweet sports up your veins. Thats not a thing you should say on tv but, yes, we do have a lot to talk about, kosta. When you hear the word football what comes to mind . Friday nights in high school, the crowd cheering my name, me dropping passes, the crowd booing my name, my dad yelling at me. Me having to run home next to the car, please, dad, dont take the highway laughter that is also a thing you shouldnt say on tv. When i hear football, i think about gladiators attacking each other with brute force. Yep. In one of last weeks games, the Cleveland Browns took brute force to a whole new level. Yep. Now that disturbing and dangerous fight at the end of the brownssteelers game last night a hit with a helmet giving a football superstar a big penalty. A late sack on Mason Rudolph turning into a brawl. Garrett ripped off rudolphs helmet, then violently swung it. Oh, gosh i mean, this is multiple game suspension here. And tonight there are, garrett is out possibly through the end of the season, possibly longer. Whoa, whoa, whoa this is the worst thing a Football Player has ever done. Roy, didnt didnt o. J. Play football . This is the second worst thing a Football Player has ever done laughter second worst. Look, i get that that was bad, but, come on, he got hit with a helmet. In football, youre always getting hit with helmets in practice, during games, at the dinner table when your dad doesnt think you passed the salt fast enough. You need to see a therapist, man, but, look, i do think if you get hit in the head with your helmet, then you should get suspended for being a bitchass loser. Yeah. Like a mall cop getting run over by his own segue. Isnt it sad how the biggest athletes in the world are swinging it out and the only thing refs can do is throw a little yellow flag . Ive said it before and its an unpopular opinion, but this is why the refs need guns. laughter that is a terrible idea so the Cleveland Browns player has been suspended indefinitely, but an old player may be back in. Colin kaepernick, back since he was out since 2016 for not bending the knee. He shows scouts hes still in game shape and ready to make the return. I have been ready for three years. I have been denied for three years. We all know why i came out here and showed it tuned in front of everybody. Wow, this is amazing. Colin kaepernick held a Training Session to show the n. F. L. Hes still got it. Hes been gone three years. In that time, he could have graduated law school and been kneeling in courtrooms by now. laughter heres the thing i really find most impressive is kaepernick only had four days to get ready, four days. If the league calls me to try out, id need about four months. Uh, roy uh theyre not going to call, okay . Final story, while colin is trying to get love, police at university of florida are getting a little too much love. Most teams have traditions before chant, touch a lucky statute or in the case of the university of florida Football Game kiss the coachs waif and not everyone is comfortable with that. This video is lighting up social media, shows the head coachs wife kissing players at the university of florida Football Game. Its a game tradition. Megan mullin looks the young man square in the eyes, offers a few words of encouragement and kisses them on the cheek. Some calls it gross and disrespectful. If this was a man doing it, this would be on cnn, msnbc. This is embarrassing, the coachs wife getting handsy with the players on the team look how shes examining them, poking, prodding them, like a deleted scene from get out. But kosta, youre overreacting. Whats happening is good Old Fashioned southern hospitality. Im from the south, thats what we do, baby just because its from the south doesnt make it right. You guys also did slavery. Excuse me you did slavery . Are you sure about that . I was there isnt, but youre the one from the south so maybe you should apologize laughter all i was saying is i dont think its appropriate for her to be feeling up the players like that. You know, youre telling me you wouldnt get mad if i kissed your wife . Why would i get mad . I kissed your last week. Whoa whoa that was a joke, right . That was a joke . Well, thats all the time we have hes michael kosta, im roy wood, jr. back to you, trevor arguing Trevor Michael kosta and roy wood, jr. , everybody well be right back cheers and applause burke at farmers insurance, we know a thing or two because weve seen a thing or two. Even a ernie lost rubber duckie . burke you mean this one . ernie rubber duckie cookie what about a broken cookie jar . burke again, cookie . cookie yeah. Me bad. grover yoooooow oh what about monsters having accidents . I am okay by the way burke depends. Did you cause the accident, grover . grover cause an accident . Maybe. bert how do you know all this stuff . burke just comes with experience. all muppets yup. We are farmers. Bumpadum, bumbumbumbum why are we doing this . Why are we doing what . Using my old spice moisturize with shea butter body wash. All i wanted was to use your body wash and all i wanted was to have a body wash. Lights, ornaments, chand lil choo choo trains. Cmon. The best trees, they kinda only need two things. Peanut butter and chocolate. Not sorry. Reeses. The ffor a chip so iconic,ssage. We dont need to name it. No logos, no gimmicks. Just those red and blue bags with the stuff you love in it. Man you know the brand. Its the threesided crunch. That had you trade your buddies for it, if they packed a pack at lunch. No logo, but our names on the tip of your tongue. Shaking for crumbs when the bag is done of that cheesy, spicy, crispycrunchy, flavor packed bodega snack that rhymes with. I need those. But an ad with no logo . Its another level. If youre looking for the best place to pick up a pizza. Might we recommend the place with pizza in the name . Call pizza hut now to pick up a large, threetopping pizza for just 7. 99. No one outpizzas the hut. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight san awardwinning composure, lyricist and actor who created two hit Broadway Musicals in the heights and hamilton. He now stars in the new hobb series his dark materials. Zamra means as much to him as hhestra does to me. Zomra is like his demon. His soul is in the metal. He has it well hidden. I might be outgunned in this town but i have craft of my own to understand. If i cant win yorkas freedom, then where did she go . Shes quick. And she stole my bacon. Trevor please welcome Linmanuel Miranda cheers and applause trevor welcome to the show. Thank you trevor congratulations on yet another successful profnlgt does it ever get tiring . I dont know. Uh, im tired a lot because i work too hard. Trevor youre doing extremely. We youve always been a talented individual, but it feels like hard work and talent is paying off in everything youre dining. How much is it a huge success that people are still right get tickets all the time for the show, and now youre in a world where youre branching into acting, we see you in movies and creating a new show here, his dark materials. I love the books. Yeah, i love the books. Trevor i love the books and im waiting for someone to go in and tell the story. Are you a fan of the books as well . Huge fan of the books. So surreal and rich and gorgeous. I never in a million years thought that i would get to live into that, to dive into your Favorite Book and play a part is, like, very surreal. The fun is they have these amazing puppeteers to play the demons. So we were not acting with tennis balls. Trevor so you actually i had a rabbitt. There was a puppet of a rabbitt and i talked to her and she was great and my buddy. Every two person scene is a fourperson scene. You and i would be talking and say mine is like a little rat and hes checking out your demon. Trevor what is my demon . I dont know, you read the books. Who would embody your demon . What would you soul look like in animal form . Trevor i would go with a panda bear. audience reacts yeah. Can you imagine watching the the daily show and theres just a little panda bear that all of a sudden just sits here. Trevor that would be pretty dope. Its half black, half white. Thats the vibe, you know. cheers and applause this project has been really cool, and while this is happening, youve got another show youve launched on broadway. Yeah, were doing a broadway run of freestyle love supreme which is a hiphop group i have been in 15 years and thats been the opposing muscle group on all the other projects because its a completely improvised show. I perform in it twice a week. Trevor thats the cool thing about the show. A lot of people dont realize Linmanuel Miranda is on the show. Its getting rave reviews. You pop in and no one knows when. So i heard, like, yesterday for instance, i was talking with someone at the show, and this they were, like, i was having a great time and it was near the end and they were, like, lin didnt come, but its a great show. Then you came out and you said the person peed themselves a little bit because they werent expecting it. That was a funny one because she was a hamilton fan and she was freaking out was Chris Jackson was there, and she was freaking out, and we do a hiphop version of them. I came out and i think i saw her pee. I think i saw the moment. Sort of like the good congressmans fart, sort of like a pause laughter trevor and then a release. Yes. And thats life here, baby. Trevor let me ask you this, youre so good at crafting material youre so good at writing stories and acting in something thats prepared, opinion prove comes with a completely different muscle. Youre freestyling and hiphopping throughout the show. What do you think you enjoy more on a raw level of this is, like, completely just easy fun . I think of it as i literally think of it as opposing muscle groups. It took me a year to write my shot with hamilton, but i went and did freestyle is you getting our best first draft in realtime. Youre bringing the ingredients, were like chefs. You give us the words and we kick up whatever we can in the moment and throw it back to you. It strengthens the other thing. Trevor do you get bored of people asking you to freestyle in life because lets be honest, you have become the hiphop guy, and now you have the freestyle show. I feel like everywhere you go people are, like, hi, lin, how are you, its a coffee mug rapping i love coffee and i want to say you drink it every day come on, lin laughter be honest with me, how many people do that to you . Well, only reporters. laughter my new thing ive done and you could do an amazing super cut on this is my new thing is i will free style if you beat box. You do orders of beat boxing just to get me to freestyle and its a lot of little white ladies being laughing pssst its so funny. Trevor youve sent me on my next mission. His dark materials airs mondays at 9 00 p. M. On hbo. The one and an Linmanuel Miranda, everybody well be right back cheers and applause look, its just like when i tell people about saving with geico. Be confident. Stand up straight. And speak with purpose. Yeah . Go on, give it a practice run. Kelsey. Kelsey. Marriage . Oh. Okay. Look maybe you should just show her this beautiful Helzberg Diamond ring . Thats a better idea. Yeah, maybe not in the bathroom. Oooh oh my word geico. Its easy to switch and save. When you think about the best times. You werent bothered some people didnt know the rules. Or upset the weather chose today to not cooperate. You werent concerned your seat ended up being an exercise bike. And you clearly werent stressed about the clean up afterwards. Because when youve got the good stuff. You can focus on the stuff that really matters tostitos. Get to the good stuff. Whether youre out or here on a wifi hotspot. Xfinity mobile has more coverage to keep you connected to what matters most. Thats because its the only Wireless Network that automatically connects you to millions of secure wifi hotspots and the best lte everywhere else. And now get 250 off when you buy a new Samsung Phone during Xfinity Mobile beyond black friday. Plus, you can save up to 400 a year. Click, call or visit a store today. When i think of what my imagination looks like. [laughs] i mean, wow. The surface is a tool that helps me realize beautiful ideas. Thgreat stocking stuffers. Ke but how about