tough on yourself. you know, that is another french thing too. very self-analytical and critical. that's right. it is the other way around. >> no, no, no, no. >> you're talking about the english. craig: the english are quite arrogant. >> that's what i meant. craig: you know the scots. i'm scottish. the scottish and the french. >> are you scottish? >> yes, yes. >> that's why you speak french. craig: i don't want people to know. >> you're a shamed? craig: i'm not ashamed. it is just that my french is very bad and if you start speaking french i'm going to look like more of an idiot than i do ordinarily. what i'm saying is that the scottish and the french have a very close alliance going back centuries because they both hated the english. >> what are you up to? what are you up to now? craig: i'm not sure but i'm enjoying myself. [laughter] what are you up to? >> waiting for the next -- craig: no, no i swear. i'm not playing any games. >> what is that mark? craig: yes. are you familiar with the term -- it is kind of a -- freudian really. i'm insecure about my penis. geoff: well said. craig: i understand. yes, it is very enormous. >> a snake and a spider. craig: spiders? i've never heard of spiders. >> spiders for women is the same thing as the snake for men. craig: really? >> the fear. your fear of snakes? craig: not really, no. >> oh, you're not. craig: tell me about fear of spiders. i know some women who are afraid of spiders. is it a fear of female -- >> it is also sexual things like the -- like the snake. craig: really? >> i swear. >> i believe you. i trust you. craig: where does that take us? don't bring your own oui here, catherine. we're upbeat. this is america. come on! so a snake for a penis and a spider for ladies business? >> well, yes, it's supposed to be something around that, yes. craig: well, i think this is kind of an awkward pause. i am delighted to meet you, madame. i am such a fan of your work. it's very nice that you're here. >> you were in paris, no? where do you go when you go to paris? craig: i used to go to an area that was very expensive and busy. >> so you go to -- craig: yes, of course. i've seen you around there a little bit. with my telescope. [laughter] i actually, i just remembered i actually held a door open for you at the cannes film festival at a restaurant. but you probably don't remember. >> no. craig: but you said thank you at the time. >> i am very polite. craig: well, there you go. who would have thought? [laughter] catherine deneuve, everybody! ♪ female: when the temperatures a tease i'm like "weatherman, please" chorus: a layah playah, hot or cold brings different flavahs. i'm a layah playah... ah layah playah. female: i'm a layah playah. my way or the highwayah. i can drop my cardi. that's the way i start the party. chorus: i'm a layah playah, hot or cold brings different flavahs. i'm a layah playah... ah layah playah. ♪ vj/vo(old): spring shirts, cardis and crops from just $15 bucks. girls from $12. now at old navy. special k protein shakes -- ♪ a truly great-tasting breakfast shake. with 10 grams of protein and 5 grams of fiber, it's the creamy, delicious way to satisfy... your hunger to help you lose weight. ♪ so you can kick the tin can habit. try special k protein shakes today. >> ( beeping ) ( beeping stops ) >> announcer: free is better. do your simple return for free with the federal free edition at turbotax.com. turbotax. the most trusted brand of tax software. [louder drums] ♪ [ominous] [engine roaring and tires rolling through sand] [drums] [door opens] click [footsteps on sandy gravel] [door closes] slam ♪ [upbeat] [people cheering] "hey, welcome home" to the men and women of the united states armed forces, the uso is home. the uso depends on the generosity of the american people, people just like you. to find out how you can help, visit us at uso dot org. the uso. until every one comes home. ♪ what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? ♪ >> sacre bleu! craig: oh, really, was there any need for the french -- tonight? that was an enormous -- gerard depardieu would have loved that. you know what i was thinking when i was talking to catherine deneuve? i really am a huge fan. she has made some amazing films. a great beauty of cinema. she was in a film called "the hunger" with david bowie. i think it was the late 1970's or early 1980's, wasn't it? it was back in the vampire days when they were not -- ooh-la-la -- vegetarians. you know, i swear, i celebrate the youth. i support you and go get them. be anything you can be but that vampire [beep] you people are into now, ooh-la-la. you're robbing yourselves of a great, gory fun fest. it is also a film starring big -- which is as the name of a porn movie starring big doughy pancakes. listen. we're going to go. well, we're not, actually. you are. no, you're probably going to stay home and watch something better. [laughter] like an infomercial or something. anyway, off you pop and i'll see you tomorrow. good night, everybody. i'm gary sinise. you may know me as lieutenant dan from the movie "forrest gump," or as the bass player in the lt. dan band. i've had the honor to meet many of our soldiers and veterans. it's a sad fact that some of our warriors, some of our nation's finest citizens, are wasting their lives through suicide. suicide is not the answer. it's final. it robs you of your chances for a better life and brings pain and heartbreak to your loved ones. you don't have to go it alone. v.a. cares about you. v.a. is reaching out to veterans who are thinking about suicide. so reach back now. don't wait. call 1-800-273-talk and press "1." our counselors will not share your information with anyone. thousands of veterans have had the courage to call. how about you? call... now, "entertainment tonight" the most watched entertainment news magazine in the world. elizabeth taylor's funeral. new details. >> at her request, she arrived a fashionable 15 minutes late. zblin side the emotional service. the "a" list star who read a poem as her family and friends said good-bye. >> she lived a great life and left a great legacy. then, kelly osbourne comes to kirstie alley's defense after george lopez compares her to a pig. >> people need to chill out and look at themselves. nene versus star. nene versus la toya jackson. >> la toya can't tell you one plus one. >> we have your "celebrity apprentice" preview. "e.t.'s" countdown to the marriage of william and kate. all new royal wedding secrets. >> they really dislike the bride being late. >> security. the reception. the kiss. >> on the balcony. they'll kiss about 1:00. >> and what kate will see as she walks down the aisle of westminster abbey. a little fashion cattiness on the new real housewives of new york city. >> i don't know what either one of them was thinking wearing ivory. and a fantasy show, rupaul. >> a love of fashion and insects. you don't find that in a woman. now, the latest celebrity headlines from around the world. >> hello, welcome to "entertainment tonight." i'm mark steines. >> i'm nancy o'dell in for mary hart. time for the latest headlines. here is the breaking news. >> screen legend elizabeth taylor was laid to rest yesterday. at her request, she arrived a fashionably 15 minutes late. >> the small private service here at forest lawn lasted about one hour and began with a poetry reading by close friend colin farrell. i elizabeth's charn gave tributes. a grandson played a moving trumpet solo of amazing grace. it was a closed casket ceremony with the 79-year-old legend interred inside the great mausoleum nearby close friend michael jackson. >> she was down to earth and loved to laugh and was loyal and true. >> what an incredible woman. an amazing kind of icon to look up to. >> stars at the love, loss, and what i wore afterparty in new york remembers the public acon. a public service many her honor will be held in her honor at later date. >> she left a wonderful legacy. and the battle between george lopez and kirstie alley is getting nasty. >> the little hooves all the way home. >> wee! >> lopez tweeted this apology. i misjudged the joke. no malice was intended. i apologize to kirstie. she fired back with, i don't think i misjudged the joke is an apology. her final tweet. you are forgiven. >> i feel for kirstie. i think people should back off and leave her alone. she's a beautiful woman. >> kelly osbourne talking to theinsider.com's nicole. at the macy's event announcing kelly as the new face of merrill girl. >> george lopez publicly blasted her. he related her to a pig. below the belt. completely tasteless. >> people need to chill out and look at themselves. and the dramatic "american idol" save. >> this is crazy wrong. we made a decision to keep you on. >> you okay? >> the "idol" favorite being kept on. the judges decide to use the one save of the season to keep him on. >> i can't believe it. i can't believe it. i can't believe it. [ bleep ]. oh! [ bleep ]. it's unreal. i -- i started singing. and the fact that you cut. excuse me. >> you deserve to be here. >> of course, one of the biggest stories of the week is the saga playing out on "celebrity apprentice" and the feuds between star jones, dionne warwick and just about everybody. chris jacobs has the sneak peek on what is next. >> gary busey. i love the guy. but he's on some [ bleep ]. but he's a different cat. >> it says plug me in. oh, excuse me. try again. try again. >> gary's full frontal mishap. >> what you see is what you get. but there's a lot of surprises in what you get when you take me. >> nene versus la toya. >> la toya is sweet. she can't tell you one plus one. >> i think the women absolutely do underestimate me. yes, the women underestimate me. they do. >> and star shows her softer side on sunday, as the women shoot a commercial featuring marlee matlin. >> marle is an excellent producer. an amazing act reressactress, a knows. >> i miss you. i love you. >> one person not impressed with marlee, dionne warwick. she had trouble talking through marle's interpreter. >> translator: which table is this for? >> let me do this. this is my task. thank you. very much. >> so miss dionne will have an argument with you for nothing. you'll be like, girl, sit down. it's like she's come out and -- she sits back down. and then she gets up later. then sits back down. it's like, lord have mercy. >> oh, wow. and the dionne fireworks are far from over. consider yourself warned. you do not want warwick on the warpath. coming up, we're holding a villain competition. who is winning? star or dionne? you be the judge. in theaters today, "diary of a wimp pi kid, rodrick rules." >> anyone up for ice cream? >> you're disgusting. >> zachary gordon is back. >> this is more about the relationship between rodrick and me. >> things have gotten out of hand. you need to get to know each other. >> what? >> i torment him in every aspect of his life. but then again, i also feel like i'm teaching him. always lower mom and dad's expectations. >> greg also falls in love with the new girl in school. >> who is that? >> her name is holly hills. she just moved here. >> greg likes her. he'll do almost anything to try to be friends with her. in the fantasy thriller, sucker punch, it's girl power to the max. >> come on, the bunker is this way. >> take that you ugly mother! >> the thing that's great is you get so see some strong women. >> emily browning had a love scene with jon hamm, but it was cut. >> making fun of me for being young. i was making fun of him for being old. it was a lot of fun. april fool's day will be fun at the box office as well. jake gyllenhaal's source code. and hop, about a bunny who poops candy. seriously. sela ward. >> think we figured out how you get radio active blood. >> that's what i want to hear. >> sela is doing some dna detective work. >> see if it is really blood or taco sauce. you're going to tell me how to do that for real. >> she toured a real lab in l.a. >> why is our killer also after camille? >> the answer might be in the uranium. >> it's cool to see that what we do on the show is really what happens. we just have fancier equipment. >> but the working mom says sometimes her family wants her to leave the lab coat at the door. >> they're so sick of me talking about this. that looks like a blood spatter pattern, honey. what you just spilled all over the cabinets. oh, mom, please stop it. >> catch the hit, "c.s.i. new york" tonight on cbs. coming up, new royal wedding secrets. how tight will security be? >> it will not be a free for all. the risk will be too great. and then dana delany on her new show, and her first job. >> i was a busboy. i was an excellent busboy. plus who is this season's biggest "celebrity apprentice" villain? >> calm down. >> we'll break down the latest details in minutes. this moment is possible because this man was screened for colorectal cancer. it's the second leading cancer killer for men and women over 50. in doug's case, screening found precancerous polyps, and they were removed before they had a chance to turn into cancer. will their granddaughter become star of her college swim team? chances are better than ever that doug and susan will be around to find out. screening saves lives -- if you're over 50, get screened for colorectal cancer. two big movies are new on dvd on tuesday, march 29th. oscar winner natalie portman in time to get you up to date on all the latest tv news. here's what's going on on the tube. >> one more thing. don't believe everything you have heard about me. the truth is much worse. >> dana delany is ready to bring on the bodies. the former desperate housewife stars as a medical examiner in the new abc show, "body of proof." >> you're just trying to suck me into your crime-solving cult. >> i'm sorry. i have a killer to catch. >> i like doing medical shows. i think in another life i was probably a doctor. that was fine with me. it's great character. she's complicated. driven. really smart. our victim has blunt force trauma to the back of the head, preliminary indications of drowning. >> she's a former neuro surgeon, who, because of a car crash, can only work on cadavers. it's quite different than her housewife character. >> good morning. >> anything you want to tell me? >> cate katherine and megan are night and day. that's what's been fun for me is -- you know, katherine could be very snarky. in the beginning, when i did the pilot, i found a little bit of katherine seeping into megan. >> acting beats her first job. >> i was a busboy. i was an excellent busboy. that was my summer job when i was still in high school. that was my first job. >> dr. hunt? >> ernest. >> i'm a doctor too, you know? >> and yet nobody calls you that. >> check out "body of proof" this tuesday on abc. time to work it with rupaul's drag race. the challenge is a fantasy hair show. >> a love of fashion and insects. you don't find that in a woman. >> no, you don't. >> thank you. >> i think we have heard enough. >> look for judges wayne brady and fantasia. i had a very good-looking mother and father. i got lucky in the gene pool. >> the pressure's on you now. >> i know. >> you didn't expect modesty, did you? "the real housewives of new york city" are back. they unleash and unload. >> you know, you're right. i don't know what either one of them was thinking wearing ivory. >> i know. >> but who am i to say? no one else is wearing that. >> catch the cattiness when they premier on april 7th on bravo. of course, the new york housewives are missing one former cast member. bethenny frankel. she has her own show airing on mondays also on bravo, bethenny ever after. up next, dionne warwick on the warpath. nene, star jones who is the biggest "celebrity apprentice" diva? >> star has a huge opinion. the bride's tiara and hair. the lavish reception. all new wedding secrets. >> william is dreading this wedding. he hates pomp and ceremony. >> more to cover here. >> don't move an inch. "entertainment tonight," the world leader for 30 years closed captioning provided by -- [♪...] >> female announcer: some dreams are universal... dreams that inspire us. multiple sclerosis is a devastating disease that changes lives forever. the national ms society does more for people with ms than any organization in the world. this is why we're here. because nobody dreams of having multiple sclerosis. call 1-800-fight ms. rob, what's up? how's it going? how's it going? guys, this is my cousin rob from michigan. whazzup! he's a teenager. totally. hey, what's up? rob: all right. whoa. hey, you wanna slow down? no.