mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. woman: [ spanish accent ] hola, orson no en casa. kisbilita. talk fast. i am watching "the edge of ork." when will he be back, kisbilita? he's at his club. he get drunk and then he come home and say, [ imitating orson ] "kisbilita, i want you bad." must go now. elizabeth taylor's on. adios, you fine young thing. i should have never given her that fernando valenzuela poster. hello, mom? mom? mom, can you hear me? whoop! whoop! oh, e-e-excuse me. i-i-i'm awfully sorry, my friend. i was just trying to call my mother on neptune. you're from neptune? you don't know bobby kleebco, do you? are you kidding? i dated his sister! are you kidding -- that gorgeous bald girl? oh, whoa! [ chuckles ] my name is kalnik, but please, call me "kal." everybody does except my car salesman, who calls me "guy." guy. what you doin', guy?" oh, ar ar ar! nanu, i'm mork from ork. uh -- oh! i'm sorry. i have been on earth for so long, i'm starting to pick up their primitive customs. i've even started raising my arms on roller coasters. ooohhhhhh! ar ar! whoa! you live on earth? me too! what do you do? well, i'm an observer, and i enjoy folk dancing. i'm an observer also! like to take care of my son, and one day hope to make big money stuffing envelopes. you're married, huh? me too, but don't laugh, okay? she's an earth girl. whoa! so is mine! no! does yours use noxzema? yes! does yours buy those little soaps that she won't let you wash with? oh, what a small galaxy! oh, what a small galaxy! you dated bobby kleebco's sister? have you heard from her? i don't want to spread any rumors, but i heard that she's turned amphibious. no! whoooooo! no, really! [ laughs ] i'm really glad it's raining. that bully that keeps beating me up across the street -- he has to stay in, too. he isn't working. he watches "love boat" the same way. no, when he watches "love boat," he keeps mumbling, "is dennis cole on again?" why don't you get out of your wet slicker? no. i don't want to get out of my wet slicker. i want to stay in my wet slicker. "when will we see the whale, sir?" [ british accent ] you can't miss it. they're quite large. they have gregory peck on it, just like this. the little girl -- she'll be on the bow just like this. captain, sir? yes? the storm is breaking. [ normal voice ] is it? yes. i think you should go upstairs and change into your jammies. i think you're right. the crew was out of line anyway. they were talking mutiny, mommy. min! and do something to your hair, because tonight, we're stepping out with a terrific couple. i told you -- i'm not going to the salvation army luau with exidor and his sister. that's next week. tonight, we're going out with our new best friends, kal and tracy andrews. i wish you'd check with me first. you know what happens every time we go out with another couple. we can never get close enough to them to stay friends. they brag about their kids, and we have to pass mearth off ing professor from salon. we won't have to do that stuff with these people. why, are they blind? you don't see. they're just like us. she's from chicago and he's from neptune. there's life on neptune? not after dark -- except for one little rib place in the inner city. they also serve seafood. this couple -- they are normal, right? kal doesn't have three heads or eat wood or anything? no, i don't eat wood, although mahogany does make great croutons and they never get soggy. ar ar ar ar! [ squawking ] ha ha ha! hi, i'm kal. hi, i'm embarrassed. hey, paisano! hey! hey! ? na na-na-na na na-na-na na na-na-na ? owww-whooo! the light of my life, the one i give my extra pickle to. and i would like you to meet the only girl in the universe for me. unfortunately, she couldn't make it, so i had to bring my wife. [ laughter ] whoo-whoo! he always says that. i'm so happy to meet both of you. my favorite cousin's name is mindy. what a coincidence. mindy's name is mindy. answer this for me. why is there no channel one? oh, uh, oh-oh-oh, uh, well, see, when television was first invented, uh, uh, uh -- no. the fcc has special frequency regulations and, uh, um... i haven't the faintest idea. the search goes on. she may not know that, but she sure can adjust the vertical hold, if you catch my drift. ar ar ar! how did you two meet? well, i was working as a nurse's aide when kal came in with re-entry burns. sss! ah! [ pants ] and out of all the girls on earth, he chose me. mmmmmmm! you know, mindy, we must be the two luckiest girls since the other two mandrell sisters. your champagne, sir. thank you, chuck. i'll do the honors. very good, sir. 's from the chateau region of arkansas. eau de billy bob. you see, it says, "bottled somewhere near the house." squeal! there we go. a little touch there. there we are. mindy: would you like some coffee? tracy: i'd love some. sometimes it takes mork a while to park the car. he always waits to hear the last "na na na nas" of "hey, jude." well, kal has his quirks, too. well, tracy, after all, the boys are from outer space. mindy, we really have an awful lot in common. i'm so glad we met. it's so nice to be able to go out with a couple and not have to say, "no, no, what mork really meant was..." ? hey, jude... ? ? naa na na na-na-na-naa ? whoo! party! you are my kind of guy, mork. bzzt! whoo! i never had a friend like you, kal. we are going to be closer than karen black's eyes. mork, why don't we sit down and talk seriously for a moment? i think you're right, kal. how about this -- famine, flood, and alexander haig. okay. offers opportunities that a couple of guys like us could really take advantage of? aren't you tired of just sitting around being an observer when it would be so easy to just step in and take a piece of the action? you and i could really accomplish something very significant here. oh...really? gosh! wow! company! are you anybody i should know? kal, tracy, this is our little bundle of joy -- our bouncing baby man, mearth. hey. kal: hi, mearth. hi. hi. and he's even cuter when he's upstairs asleep in his bed, aren't you, mearth? well, okay, okay, mommy. ary cooper ] well, i'll be moseyin' along. i'll be goin' to the bunkhouse. i'm a little uneasy about that because of those bunkies. tomorrow at 12-10:30, they're gonna hang me. i hope the guy has a sense of humor. last year, he used a rubber band. say "night-night." [ normal voice ] night-night. unless i show him a picture of the boogeyman getting on a plane. go right ahead. ? naa na na na-na-na-naa ? [ imitates drum ] are you satisfied with the orkan? he may be a feeb, but he still has great powers -- though they're no match for mine. i can mold him into whatever i want. what about the woman? she'll have to be eliminated. and the child? and he does a lousy gary cooper. oh, mindy, mindy, mindy! we were just talking about how precious your child is. no, you weren't. i heard exactly what you said. how dare you talk about our son like that? i think you two had better leave. what's wrong, they use those little soaps of yours? they just called your son a mutant. ecial little boy that's never hurt anybody? whoa, hey, space bro, lighten up. what are you getting so upset about? we have important business to talk about. we have nothing to discuss. you should leave right now. i didn't want to say this, but let's face it, he's nothing but a hefty half-breed. no one calls my son a mutant. you should take a hike. you could have been my ally, but you've made your choice! ret this, orkan! but not for long. hi-yah! tracy, come. oh, remember, mindy, you owe me that carrot cake recipe. 'night. well... we'll show them. give them your grandmother's carrot cake recipe. john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month. call now. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. you'll also get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at $39.99 a month. plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew? i don't think so. mearth: mommy! mommy! mommy! mindy: mearth! [ gasps ] i'm sorry, sweetheart. my tiny heart left my body. [ laughs ] i'm sorry. i didn't meant to frighten you. i've been waiting downstairs. i thought you had stepped out for a moment. i was irrigating my ant farm. [ laughs ] good. before the winos wake up? here's your jacket. oh, you're gonna love flying your kite in the park, mearth. i don't wanna run, just walk briskly. oh, hi. what's wrong? nothing. good. we're going. don't go out there! there's someone following me! mork, you have been doing this for three days. that doesn't mean he's going to do anything. look at reagan. oh, min, you don't know neptunians. they end their national anthem with a human sacrifice. mork, you can stay in here and be afraid of your shadow, or you can come with us. bye. okay. come on, mearth. bye. see ya, dad. there's no wind out there, anyway. it's tracy. please open the door. [ imitating child ] i can't. my mommy and daddy are sleeping. please, i have to talk to you. let me in. i'm alone. oh, sure, and tip o'neill wears tapered shirts. if you don't believe me, why don't you check for yourself? please! all right. i think i'll just do that. well, that's good enough for me. oh, mork! oh, mork! oh, it's all right. mork, you were the only person i could turn to. my life has fallen apart. i've left kal. ohh! i should've known he was evil when he laughed at "old yeller." oh! that macho pig! macho pig! ah! ohh! i have tried to be a good wife. i washed his clothes. i darned his socks. i even jogged for him so he could sleep late. [ wailing ] aahhh! oh, oh, it's all -- wait, wait, wait. wait a minute, wait a minute. there we go. okay, there we go. aahhhhh! oh-ho...yeah. [ stops sobbing ] [ sighs ] oh, mork. all better? yeah. you're so sweet. i have to tell you -- kal didn't meet you by accident. it was all part of his plan. he was just using you. i feel so cheap! he just wanted to pick your brain to find out what your ultimate mission was here on earth. originally, i was sent to observe the culture, but now i just want to see if "nightline" knocks off "carson." why do you want to know? why? oh, mork, i'm just being silly. it's just that i haven't had a chance to chat with anyone since kal left me. wait a minute. you're trying to pull the dacron over my eyes. who do you think i am, the american people?! oh, my little morky pie. what difference does it make? just as long as we're together. oh. [ chuckles ] [ laughs ] [ gulps ] wait a minute. wait a minute. wait a minute. i know i'm irresistible, but i have a wife and child. i can't support them, but i've got them. no, no, don't do that! oh, no! no, no! no, no, no,no! no! i just wanna know what pleases you. i wanna know your joys. problems. oh, no. aah! no! stand back! no. come on! no! no, no, no, please! no! no, no. please, no, no. wait, wait -- time out! now, let's look at this rationally. mm-hmm. you and i are married people. and besides, i can't keep this up. i'm beginning to hyperventilate. good. i just love a heavy breather! no! ah-ha! ha ha ha! ah-ha! whoo-hoo! daddy, are you telling her a story? what is going on? oh, min! min, min, min, min! min, min, min, you know me. nothing's going on. nothing's going on here. you know me -- i'm straighter than a chinese children's bangs. mearth, go to your room. m-- i still think that someday min, now, come on. min, you know i'd never cheat on you -- except at monopoly when i'm the banker. mork, i'm sure that there's a perfectly logical explanation. and you've got five seconds to give it to me. she can't keep her hands off -- that's not the thing to say. tracy, come on, tell her. your marriage may be over, but we just got our monogrammed towels. you take your hands off -- [ gasps ] you didn't have to take her literally. i have a feeling she's not from chicago. [ mechanical voice ] what a pair of feebs. i am programmed to extract and transmit information for my master, kal. y-y-you're an android. affirmative. and i am also a bomb. oh... hide! gosh! it's incredible! what a mess! are you all right? oh, mommy! i wouldn't count on getting my cleaning deposit back on this place. still think i'm paranoid, min? no! kal is after us! oh! we've got to find someplace where he won't go. where?! i don't know. i was hoping you'd know. i can't leave. my guppy's expecting! i-i-i'll go get the photo album and your jewelry. you get the veg-o-matic. we've got to get out of here before kal comes back. come on, son. guppy's on her own. come on, hon. this stuff will all be here when we come back. i don't know, mork. i have a feeling we're never gonna see this place again. [ makes tuning noise ] mom? mom! you're from neptune? my name is kalnik. you live on earth? me too! what do you do? i'm an observer, and i enjoy folk dancing. i'm an observer also! [ together ] oh, what a small galaxy! i never even knew there were aliens, and here i am, sitting with two. i know! i would like to make a toast here -- a friendship that spans the universe! aw! mm-hmm. are you satisfied with the orkan? i can mold him into whatever i want. the woman? she'll have to be eliminated. and the child? the son is nothing but a useless mutant. no one calls my son a mutant. we have nothing to discuss. you'll live to regret this, orkan! hi-yah! you're so sweet. what is going on? i'd never cheat on you. take your hands off -- [ gasps ] y-you're an android. [ mechanical voice ] and i am also a bomb. a bomb?! hide! everybody okay? still think i'm paranoid? i have a feeling we're never gonna see this place again. mork: arizona's beautiful, isn't it, mind? mindy: mm-hmm. painted deserts, purple mountains -- this would be a great place to die. all right. i didn't say anything when you said you saw a cactus take down our license-plate number -- i did. we need you, okay? so don't fall apart. i'm gonna hang tough, gonna be cool. all right. 'cause you know, mind... ? i'm the kind of guy who likes to roam around ? ? i never stay in one place i go from town to town ? ? because i'm a wanderer yes, i'm a wanderer ? ? i wander, wander, wander, wander ? ? wander, wander, wander, wander, wander ? ? wander, wander, wander 'round ? agent 46 to kalnik -- we've located the alien. shall we take him? kalnik: no. keep him in sight, [ squawking ] ha ha! go! mork: ? i'm the kind of guy that likes to roam around ? ? i never stay in one place i go from town to town... ? there you go. [ zips ] to sleep here in this dirt? mearth, i've explained to you, this is sort of a spur-of-the-moment camping trip, and you're just gonna have to bear with us, okay? that's all right for you to say. you've got the air mattress. we all agreed that the coin toss was fair. night-night. pleasant dreams. neeah? [ gasps ] ha ha ha! oh, look at that -- georgia o'keeffe's hood ornament. talk about the scarsdale diet -- whoa! oh, min! very funny. what are you upset about? you've got the air mattress. and we've got to stay out of sight till we get a message to dad to bring us more money. [ voice breaking ] look what's happened to us -- the biggest thing we had to worry about yesterday was trying to find a decent plumber, and now we're running for our lives. i'm scared. oh, so am i. come here. come here. [ sighs ] i should have known better than to trust somebody from neptune. on neptune, pia zadora would have won the oscar. [ laughing ] oh. it's so hard to stay depressed around you. whew! will you look at this place? it looks like sylvester stallone's library. who cares? it's a better place to hide than edna's reptile dinner theater. i loved it when that iguana sang "oklahoma!". the last thing i had to eat was a junior mint, and that was stuck to the sole of my shoe. [ whistle blows ] fall in, everybody, let's go! come on, let's go! [ blows whistle ] come on! all right! this is the last one! okay, you can do it! okay, this is the last stretch! oh, terrific! let's all give ourselves a hidden hills hand for the splendid job we did on our run today! and let's try to forget about what happened to angela. [ clanging ] time for lunch, everybody! today's meal is a carrot stick and a picture of a potato! all right! let's go! [ blows whistle ] remember... you can never be too rich or too thin! ha ha! i have a feeling this place is a fat farm. 1... 2... 3... 4... soon you'll fit... through the door! ? i'm a yankee doodle -- ? okay, everybody, let's shake it out now. all right, everybody in a semicircle. come on. good. okay. time now for "sharing and caring." stella, would you like to begin? i gotta stand? woman: yes. give me a minute. come on, stella, you can do it. yeah! yay! yay! well, my name is stella benson and i have a weight problem, but i feel good about myself 'cause i've lost 17 pounds. yeah! yay! yay! ahh. okay, who wants to go next? [ clanging ] come on! mork...it's been three days of starving. i can't take much more of this. it's almost like mahatma gandhi opened up a burger stand. mommy, daddy, there's a woman after me! she's from indiana, and she's a widow, and she wants me to take over her late husband's shoe factory. a whole factory?! son, you have my blessing. mork! don't worry about it. try to stay in large groups. around here, that's not hard to do. [ chuckles ] my looks have become a curse! mork, mindy, are you all right? i'm so glad to see you! we didn't want to drag you into all of this, but there's no one else to turn to. honey, what's a father for? i'm just glad you're not hurt. dad, i hate to be the clich?d son-in-law, but where are our bucks? oh, here you are. hey, what's your hurry? i haven't even seen my little grandson yet. have got a great settlement in your hair-transplant suit. mindy: dad... we don't need all this money. oh, that's all right. i can afford to be generous. after all, you'll never live to spend it. [ mindy gasps ] kalnik! [ squawking ] ha ha ha ha! oh! oh! looks like we're not gonna hit our target weight after all. kalnik: [ squawking ] ha ha ha! all right, now... what has 4 legs and 10 seconds to live? why do you want to kill us? because you're the only ones that can throw a monkey wrench into my plans! i have to kill all three of you and then get back for my haircut by 4:00. no, not mearth! he's just a child! well... nah, i'm gonna kill him. you're insane! i'm just a product of your sick society. when i came to earth, all i wanted to do was open a little restaurant, but i had so much trouble getting a liquor license i decided it would be easier to take over the planet instead. i'm glad you shared this moment with us. it probably makes you feel better about blowing us away. yes, it does. oh, really? if only you had 1/10 of my power and brilliance instead of the ambition of a substitute teacher! i infiltrated your government. i took an ineffective arm of a consumer protection agency and turned them into my own personal army. i told them that you were the aliens catchy twist, isn't it? thank you. t-there was a draft. all right, all right. any last words? oh, mork! mind... ? i'm so glad we had this time together ? ? just to have a laugh and sing a song ? ? seems we just get started and before we know it ? ? comes a time we have to say "so long" ? okay, hold it right there! aah! don't shoot me! don't shoot me, mindy! don't shoot me! get out of the way, you dumbbell! okay, you hold it right there. oh, no, you wouldn't fire that gun. oh, yes, i would! no, no, no, no. i'll get this back to you by tuesday. i'm warning you! all you earth women are good for s park the car. stay back! i'm not kidding! you don't have the guts! yes, i do! [ static ] i just don't have the instructions! min, i'm open! was that you or the memorex? that was my mother's ray gun. all right. you just bought yourself another minute to live, but, ooh, is it gonna hurt! your dinky, little finger is no match for my telekinetic powers! [ punch lands ] [ no audio ] ahh! whoa, you did it now, jack. that's it! oh, yeah! that's it. come on. yeah! [ punch lands ] [ smack ] [ smack ] [ smack ] [ punches landing ] aah! aah! waah! yeah! [ squawking ] ha ha! [ imitating muhammad ali ] boxing has been good to me. come on! you've got to fight. you've got to get mad. think of things! yeah, yeah! erm! my perm? what do you mean, my perm? oh, i'm teed now! i was teed. come on! come on! [ punches landing ] [ laughs ] [ punch lands ] [ imitating woman ] bachelor number one, are you employed? get up! up! min, look -- little birds everywhere! okay. okay, this has been fun, gang... but it's death time. [ gasps ] mommy, daddy, what's this? kalnik: the feeb! kalnik! oh, please, don't hurt them. who would ever adopt a 200-pound orphan? mearth, quick -- run for it! [ sobs ] drat! that's all right, son. you and i can band together against him. we'll be the best father-and-son team since raymond and aaron burr. ready? eeeee! aah! eeeee! go on, mind! we can't hold out for very long! save yourself! u, mind. [ lasers hum ] [ indistinct shouting ] kalnik: don't use that! don't use that hose! the ultimate caucasian! i turned him into a statue! mork: yeah, i guess you're right. son, we did it! oh, you little pooterette, give your daddy five! and a little bit high! ha ha ha ha! so long, honkie! what did you mean when you said you didn't like my perm? i-i-i did like your perm. it's too mu-- it's wonderful. it was the heat of battle. son? the other day, didn't i remark how attractive your mother was? no, i believe you said that she looked like marty allen in a wind tunnel. i worship marty allen. he's a lovely comic. [ imitating marty allen ] hello, there! mork... i'm not gonna argue about this. i'm too happy to be alive to be as mad as i should be. [ tires screech ] mearth: off the record, mommy... i'm on your side. mindy: kalnik's men! [ tires screech, horns honk ] whoever they are, mork, we have to talk. all right. but not in front of m-e-a-r-t-h. who is me-arth? me...mearth. i'm just trying to figure out how i can get that air mattress back. mork, nothing is gonna stop kalnik's men. they think you're the alien who's secretly out to take over the world, and they're just gonna keep hunting until they find you. there's only one solution, i guess. you and mearth take the jeep and go east, and i'll go west and try and keep them on my trail. no, i'm not gonna do that. i'm not gonna leave you. oh, bless you, hon. oh. well, let's see. well, there's one other solution. mearth... yes? mork: come here. this has to be a family decision. oh -- we're gonna have steak tonight? son, son. you see, there's only one choice, but i think it's the only way. i have to tell the whole world that i'm an alien. that way, they know i've got nothing to hide. mind, it's the only way! i've got to go public! mork, for as long as i've known you, this is the one thing i've been the most scared of. you have no idea how people are gonna act, or how they're gonna treat you. i don't know. mind, come on, now. oh, mind, i've lived on this planet for four years, and most of the people are very good. if they can accept diana ross as "dorothy," they can go for me. [ theme music plays ] man: we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this live report of national interest ladies and gentlemen, the secretary-general of the united states. good afternoon. i have been asked to make the following announcement. five days ago, the united states government became aware of the existence of an extraterrestrial being living on this planet. since that time, his origin has been verified by our nation's leading scientific and military experts, he will speak to you now. [ clears throat ] [ squeaks ] [ squeaks ] hello there. i'm mindy mcconnell and i'm married to mork here. go dodgers! um... from a place called ork. ork is a very nice planet. it's a lot like earth, as a matter of fact. it has gravity and oxygen and dog races. [ barks ] and now i want to introduce to you all someone who has proved to me that life on other planets is not only peaceful, but compassionate and loving. mork. uh... good evening, mr. and mrs. america, er. just tell them about yourself. okay, you're right. [ clears throat ] yes, i am an alien, and cold pizza gives me gas. um, uh, i know it's gonna be difficult for many of you to accept me because i'm different... hey, i'm just like all of you, except i have three hearts and no liver. to be very blunt, i'm throwing myself at your mercy. see, all we want to do is live here in peace. this world has given me very, very wonderful things -- my wife... my son... and now i think it's time for me to give you something back. you see, the universe -- it's a very, very big place. but if you accept me today, i think we take the first step to make it a little bit smaller. [ sighs ] i don't know what else to say, except nanu. [ squawking weakly ] ha ha ha ha! ooh! watch it. careful. i bet i know what you're thinking. there must be an easier way. well, there is, but it might shake you up a bit. what? here we go. all set, johnny. i sure appreciate this, mrs. stephens. if it weren't for you, i'd have no other way to get down to the track and practice. i'm more than happy to help, johnny, but i still don't see the point of practicing for a race you don't think you'll be able to enter. i guess it's just my nutty way of hoping against hope. [ whistle blows ] all right. stand back. oh, hi, mrs. kravitz. what are you doing here?