come on, dad. blow. [ blows ] oh, mearth, you're such a comfort to me. i hope i get to at least see you on weekends and leap years. are you kidding? mommy loves you, daddy. you're number one, you're the head honcho. i hope you're right... but what if you're wrong? don't ask me. i haven't been able to cope with fractions yet. i'm gonna take these flowers and be sure that they stay alive. i guess i'll put 'em in the tub with pablo. i don't think he'll mind, after carrying that dead thing around. pablo! i wonder if she would've loved me then. well, i've got two choices. i can either stand here and talk to myself like a soap opera... or go back in time and really find out. that's it! i'll do it! i haven't used these in a long time, but now's a very special occasion. oh, man. i hope this works. [ as the wicked witch of the west ] i want those shoes! i was an alien when i met her. when i go back, i'll be an alien again. it should work the second time around. yeah. it'll work. i'm ready now. there's no place like home. i'll go back in time. '71, here i come. '71, here i come. red light! red light! nobody gets in here without a student i.d. that's the rules. [ russian accent ] i am student. i am foreign-exchange student. happy to be in america. my name is vladimir ivanovich orkov, but you can call me "chuck." look, chuck, i don't care if you're dr. zhivago. nobody gets in here without a student i.d. beat it before i'm forced to get physical with you. what seems to be the problem here? this foreign guy is tryin' to crash. for democracy. i think there's a reasonable way to deal with this. [ normal voice ] oh, thanks, pops -- [ russian accent ] i mean, mr. mcconnell. do i know you from someplace? i come by the music store all the time looking for a copy of "brezhnev sings ray charles." ? georgia ? ? georgia ? look, dickie, he's an exchange student. i think we can let him in. tsk. thank you very much. you know, soviet girls... [ grunts ] [ snorting ] hey, i'm sorry about the misunderstanding, especially since you're the only guy here without a date, except for me. whoa. who is she? she is one foxy mammal. [ no audio ] i would walk 10 miles in the snow just to stand in her garbage. that's mindy mcconnell. you might as well forget it. you'd think by now, i'd have gotten a pity date. she's only got eyes for that nerd -- steve. well, i don't care what you say. i am going to marry her. do they have a good journalism department at columbia? oh, come on, snooks. how are you gonna be a reporter? in a newspaper, you can't dot your i's with little hearts. give me a break, steven. good evening. how are you? permit me to introduce myself. umpy." yeah. excuse me, but would beefy all-american type mind if i trip the light fanatic with miss princess all-american beauty? i get it. this is a gag, right? you're in the drama department. no gag, please. for one dance, i will give you actual autographed picture of joseph stalin. you don't have to do that. you know stalin? personably. some other time, okay, pal? sorry. later. on the rebound. i wish you'd just mellow out, steven. the poor guy's from a foreign country. i don't know why you're being so uptight tonight anyway. i just thought he was kind of immature for a senior. steve, some of the guys are drinkin' beer in the bathroom. if you came with me, they'd let me watch. i'll be right back, snooks. you're gonna leave me and get loaded on our prom night. dosvedanya. hi. yo. so, do you like being a foreign-exchange student? it's -- it's not bad. i come to boulder to study russian literature. boy, that's kind of redundant, huh? you know, my art teacher went to russia once. she said it was, like, really different than from here. well, it's all right. let me enunciate to you. you had the beatles' invasion. well, in 1968, we had the czechoslovakian invasion. you got music, but we got land. will you like to maybe, uh -- well, you know -- boogie now, shake your booties? oh, you want me to dance with you? oh, please. oh, i can't. i'm goin' steady. but i thought this was the land of the free and the home of the foot-long hot dog. well, it is. i must do like you do. hey! look, i'm drowning. boy, i love this country of yours. you do? yeah. yeah, i guess we are pretty lucky here. i was thinkin' about maybe bein' a journalist. i'd like to tell people what's goin' on in this country. right off. but i don't know. and i don't know if i'd be any good at it. you must, uh, go for it, you know? really? i think that someday your family will be so proud of you. thanks. that's really nice. how do you say thank you in your country? oh, um -- well, like this. oh. that's nice. you know what else i was thinkin' about doin'? i've had enough of you, borscht brain! wait, please! would not like to do esther williams impression. [ drumroll ] this is the moment we've all been waiting for. it gives me great pleasure right now to announce the names of this year's prom king and queen. i hope this isn't another failing notice. huh huh ha! oh, jeez! get real! okay! act your age, not your i.q.! and the winner is... oh! oh! oh! just kidding! oh, big surprise. steve sanders and mindy mcconnell. oh, how dreamy! i knew it! i just knew it! [ dickie hums "pomp and circumstance" ] okay, make way, make way! the king and queen are going to dance! well, i hope you're happy. we won, didn't we? is that all you care about? they're takin' our picture for the yearbook. smile. it's the biggest night of your life. it just might be, 'cause this is our last date. i used to think you were a really nice guy, but i've changed my mind. later. lumpy, will you dance with me? you're asking me, your humble pheasant? [peasant] in...2 minutes flat. the in-flight movie wasn't that bad, either. they finally found a place to show "heaven's gate." hi. oh, oh, hi. mind. i came back because i feel that we really haven't cleared the air about steve. oh. oh, now, min, that's all in the past. you know, jealousy's just insecurity. and you've never ever given me anything to feel insecure about. i love you. oh, mork. you know, sometimes i think i've waited my whole life for you. thanks for showing up. thanks for waiting. i better go check on mearth. today, we're gonna teach pablo how to avoid hairballs. oh, i picked you up a little something. oh, that's nice. a little surprise. [ theme from "twilight zone" ] ? na na na na ? ? na na na na ? [ mearth crying ] don't cry, please. hi. what's wrong with mearth? there's been a death in the family, min. his spider died. what? herman? oh, poor baby. well, i guess you're not in the mood for seeing the nice presents your mommy and i got for you. [ stops crying ] what? presents, mearth. oh, my gosh. look! a giant lollipop. oh, my gosh! that is a big sucker! or is it? grandma! wooh! gosh. you know something, grandma and mommy and daddy? you see, inside there's mr. silver. that's what i'm going to call him -- mr. silver helmet. here we go. [ imitating engine ] oh, min. a minute ago he was crying, and now -- from 0 to bliss in 60 seconds. now, mearth, don't do that in the house. you might break something. oh. look at it go, son! a loop-the-loop -- wait a minute. oh, the little chihuahua had an overbite, and he got your plane. what happened? and now mr. silver in the airplane. i just don't have any friends, grandma. oh, well, don't cry, mearth. don't cry. you still have your lollipop. [ crying ] oh, i guess you're right. ooh! herman -- he's stuck to it! oh, well, son, look at the good side. now you got an all-day spider. okay, mearth, hand mommy your coat. [ gasps ] oh, mommy! the tooth fairy has been keeping up with inflation. gee, i wonder who could be behind all this? surprise! no, not really. oh, son, look! all this is for you. no, never. even that big tv? yes. you'll finally see all the lines in dick clark's face. mork, why does our place look like bob barker's den? i don't know, min. maybe bob has the same couch. ride on this great, big, green grasshopper. isn't it marvelous, min? i feel just like unicef. i'm sorry, mork, but this stuff goes back. not the harp, though, min. not the harp! you don't understand. mearth is a musical prodigy. we were going past the music store -- wait. mearth? mearth, son? will you play that concerto you wrote for mommy? surely. okay. this is for you and mommy. ? ? there's snow on the windowsill ? ? winter's coming there's uncle bill ? ? listen to the leaves they're all gone ? ? as i sing this autumn song ? ? there's winter snowballs, snowbells ? ? everybody dancing in the snow ? ? and i see you ? wasn't that beautiful? he wrote that himself. yes, that was cute. you tell him it goes back. mearth? yes? son? yes? we can't afford all these little goodies, and they gotta all go back. i-i'm sorry. i read you. oh, no, no, no -- i can handle it. i can handle it. i know what it is to be crushed. i lost a spider today. i lost a man in an airplane. a dog ate him. surely i can handle you. you just don't love me anymore. now, mearth -- oh, no. don't start. no, it's okay. i'll find -- you know. i'll find something to do upstairs in my room. like, maybe, you know, playing with the shadows on the ceiling. well, you happy now, min? oh, mork, he'll get over it. as painful as it seems now, it's all for the best. you don't want to spoil him like that. you're right, min. yeah. he wouldn't look good in this fur coat, anyway. what size is that? never mind! i'll get it myself! mork, you're late! i'm having a barbecue! i just dropped over to borrow a spatula... and a grill, some briquettes, hamburgers, buns, matches, and a volleyball net. how come you're not there? just as well. this is for my musical comedy workshop only. exidor, you've got to help me. i want to shower my son with gifts, and mindy says we can't afford it. mork, i'd like to help you, but this is the wrong time. i got 40 starving people in my backyard singin' "brigadoon"! you need money, go find work. please. i have some pride. mork, i'd like to help -- what? there's always one idiot who comes to a barbecue who doesn't eat meat! now, regarding this problem with your so-- mork... i've just had a vision of incredible clarity. cable. i now know how you can take care of all your family's financial needs. mork, money is the key to happiness, and the only way to make money is to spend money! you've got to make that once-in-a-lifetime investment that will take care of all your family's financial needs. well, exidor, all we have is $900 this will be bigger than polaroid, genentech, and bootleg tapes rolled into one. what's the one thing the world needs more of? nixon impersonators. i'm talking about bigger, grander, something the world keeps crying for more of! what?! me! [ disco music plays ] come on, min! this place is wonderful -- like what the marquis de sade would have done if he'd gone into retail. yeah, this is a great location, mork. you walk through an animal hospital, knock twice, ask for a man named juanita, then slide down a pole. how many times do you ever see a hamster neutered on your way into macy's? i don't see 20 things i can identify. you'd look smashing in something like this. no. anthony quinn would look smashing in something like that. i think exidor is onto something hot here, min. i think he's got a great, new concept. min, you've heard of wally amos? well, how about these? exdioreos. it's a great new concept -- chocolate, cheese, and meat. mmm. mmm. i admire exidor's initiative, but if somebody told me he was going to open a store, this is exactly what i'd expect. i mean, it's just ridiculous. min, you call this ridiculous? yeah, i'd say that just about defines the word. you can't be so negative. you've got to find something positive about this whole experience. well, i'd say the color combination on this cookie is excellent. that's wonderful -- because you know what? what? in the tradition of j. pierpont morgan, j. paul getty, and jay & the americans, i have invested our $900 in the exidor boutique. don't hit me. don't hit me. you may have seen me angry before, but now i'm talkin' real angry. i'm talkin' black poet, you know what i mean?! yeah, min. boy, some people don't know how to handle sudden wealth. i mean, kenny rogers wouldn't behave this way. come on. we should be happy that i made a shrewd investment. you call giving all our money to exidor shrewd?! why didn't you just flush it instead? unless you have an inside tip, i think that's pretty risky. you are head of a household now. you have responsibilities not only to yourself, but to me and especially toward your son, and that means you can't take risks with our future! rning it. you can't make an investment unless you can afford to lose, and we can't, and now we're going to lose everything. come on. don't panic. exidor knows what he's doing. what do you mean the mannequins want a coffee break? they just had one 10 minutes ago, and all they did was dribble. partner! glad to see you brought the little woman. we want our money back now, and don't call me "the little woman." like renee richards wanted to change dressing rooms. i've only been open two hours. even "evita" didn't pay off its backers that fast. we want our money back. look, business is a little slow, but we're going to have our two-for-one sale -- buy two, get one -- who could resist that? that is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. listen, perky, , that's what they said about david rockefeller. nobody ever said that about david rockefeller! i did! peppy! peppy, you call yourself a tailor? just lengthen the sleeve! don't clip his nails! come on! that's it. our money is gone. no, no, min. i-i'm sorry. i was just trying to increase our wealth. i-i know it's a risk, and it's a pretty dumb thing -- even dumber than when i bought mork...mork, i'll grant you one thing. your heart is in the right place, but sometimes your head is in -- oh, never mind. i'm going home. mindy, now, come on. this is america. you can come from another country with a name like "alukalisalukalimatelataroteio" and leave with a name like "chuck." there's got to be a way out of here. oh, min, come on. you can sell anything here. if they can sell designer jeans and pet rocks, we gotta be able to sell this stuff. to make people want this. wait a minute! what are you watching? good afternoon. i'm mr. mork, and i'll be your guide on this incredible journey through the totally outrageous world of exidor, egance meet for a very brief moment. won't you join us for this incredible fashion smorgasbord? and let's bring out our first model. sissy? in the evening, exidor comes alive, and so does sissy, in this smashing formal ensemble. note the dual-purpose jacket, which converts into a fashionable pup tent. oh, thank you, sissy. and now, what is this? or with pancho gonzalez because it converts into... tennis, exidor? yes, i bet she's got some good strokes, huh, fellas? that's game, set, and match. thank you, sissy. i think i'd like one of those myself. and now, what could be more exidorian than exidor himself modeling the executive exidor! yes, for the man on the go who can't say no and, well... who drives well in the snow. yes, for the true executive, it says, good audit puts me in jail for life." and now, for you urbane urban cowboys, it's go west, young exidor! whether you're on the fringe or just living on welfare -- hi-ho, silver -- giddyap. move it, horsey. yes, sir, whether you're riding a mechanical bull or throwing the bull mechanically or just trying to figure out what "do-si-do" means, our exidor western wear is just for you. yes, ladies and gentlemen, aren't these delicious? don't you just want to take them home right now? es. you say, "stop teasing. let's get to the real goodies." i'd like to show you our swimsuit collection now. it's something that'll really -- tell me something, daddy. do you think there will be other children to play with in debtors' prison? ...35. all right. what next? $42 for telephone? mearth... has daddy been calling dial-a-joke again? mearth? i'm no fink. yes. and look... we got $2. we can live on this for about an hour. oh, mearth. oh, oh. you tell him the truth. i can't look in those little, innocent, brown eyes, especially with those crow's-feet. mearth, see, daddy did a really dumb thing. it's not that bad, min. mearth, daddy's upset because he made a little mistake. is like saying lizzie borden was a little nuisance with an ax. mearth, i-i-i-i lost all of our money. oh, i feel like a snail trail without the glitter. oh, mork, don't be so hard on yourself. everybody can make a mistake, and you happened to make a big one. but we'll get by... i think. well, you can forget about the boutique. otherwise, you'd be rich, too. rich? you're making money? the place has gone through the roof. why? i suppose you're wondering why. teenagers -- they'll buy anything their parents hate. now everywhere i go, everybody's wearing exidor outfits -- infants, teenagers, lee radziwill. well, exidor, you're a mogul now. i'm miserable. i was just trying to appeal to the intellectual fringe. take it from exidor -- money doesn't make you happy. i don't know, ex. it sure perked up melvin newmar for a while. here, perky. here's your investment plus profit. this isn't monopoly money. this is real money! of course! i sold out. i'm just designing now. strange bedfellows. grandma! oh, there you are, exidor. i'm sorry i'm late, but it was really brutal getting up that pole. grandma, why? wise up, mindy. a buck's a buck. you know, when you dress like that, you remind me of my own grandmother. she was a strange woman, heavy into voodoo. min, this is marvelous. at last, we can buy mearth a little something -- maybe a delorean car. mommy, i don't want you to worry anymore. what you gave me is that wonderful set of toys that's here -- imagination. okay. give me an "o." give me a "k." give me an "l." [ imitates gunshot ] i should never have sat on the texas side. i tell you, there's trouble. what is it you said, sir? let the games begin? zoom! oh, neat! k-boosch! mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, your tub-o'-lardness. nanu, mork. so how's that godson of mine? oh, sir, he's in the pink. and me? well, i'm a wreck. i never realized being a parent was so difficult. i thought the only difficult part of being a parent was going into labor. well, sir, that's the short view, children test you every day, and you can't slide through the essay questions. why not send the child to obedience school? if you want to teach a child to heel or roll over, but that's not teaching about life. you have to give them love, understanding, companionship. and boy, am i lucky i have got mindy. i never realized raising a child involved so much responsibility. oh, sir, being a parent is always on-the-job training. the only problem is by the time you learn the trade, orrectly, you'll always be connected with the firm. till next week, sir, nanu, nanu. -- captions by vitac [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] mother, it's the middle of the night. that's the proper time for us, you know. [ ding! ] well, what is it? i thought you should know that tomorrow has been chosen