what a morning to be late. oh, i'd like to get my hands on the guy who invented the snooze alarm. ? morning, morning... ? oh, min, let me help you with those suckers. come on now, hon. that's all right. there we are. thanks, mork, but i was trying to put the boot on. oh. i guess we start off the day on the wrong foot. well, mind, i'm really famished. i feel like gandhi at a mcdonald's. i feel like i can eat an aardvark's tongue. sorry. i'm production coordinator on a new show, that'll give you nine minutes to spare. you're gonna have to fix your own breakfast today and maybe dinner, too. it might be another late night. min, whoa! red light, whoa! stop, kemo sabe. you want moi to cook? yeah. you're a big orkan now. i think you can handle yourself in the kitchen and maybe cleaning up around here, too. min, i draw the line right there. i will not cook, clean, or do windows. i am man. watch me sit. where'd you get that idea? robert petrie, jim anderson, and archie bunker. who? mr. television. oh. hmm, well, mork, that's a lot of bunk. tv isn't real life. then ricky really doesn't love lucy? ? babalu, babalu ? look, mork, since i've been working, i just don't have enough time to do all the things around the house so i'm gonna need your help. enlightened mork to the rescue. please don't make me cook because i'll get thinner than ronald reagan's environmental budget. yourself a bowl of cereal. listen -- i gotta run. i'll see ya later. don't wait up. it might be another late night. bye. big kiss, mindy! she used to have time for a big kiss. now she doesn't even got time to pucker. [ knock on door ] mind, i knew you'd come -- ooh. is the lady of the house at home? exidor. mork, is that you? hey, what are we doing just standing here talking? come on in. my, my, my, isn't this a delightful home? don't rush me. i'll get to the sales pitch. good morning, sir or madam. we represent the exidor-to-door company, exclusive distributors of these thingamajigs. i'm sorry, exidor, but i already have a thingamajig. and why? because this miracle of modern technology can do everything a maid can do except steal the silverware. and next week, we're putting out an attachment for that. oh, amazing. yes. the revolutionary, new maid-o-matic. you buy this gizmo, or you'll never see your wife and kids again! i'm not married. we have an attachment for that, too. mindy says i should be helping her with the cooking and the cleaning. what?! did you hear that, boys? ha ha ha ha! the skirt's pushing him around. no, she isn't. is! isn't! is! the vote is 12 to 1 against ya. i'm not gonna let her push me around because... i'm gonna be the best little wifey mindy ever had. no. mindy no en casa. gracias. adi?s, muchacha. know what erma bombeck's kvetching about. let's see. [ humming ] oh, there we go. [ sighs ] oh! [ sizzling ] ooh, ooh, ooh. oh, look -- brown and black, mindy's favorite colors. she won't mind. keep the bugs away. let's see. what do we do now? i think i'll make a little salad for my breadwinner. "put vegetables inside." [tune of "sweet georgia brown"] ? da da da-da da da da-da ? ? daa da-da-da ? hey! ? da da da-da da da da-da daa da-da-da ? ho! ? da da da-da da da da-da daa da-da-da ? hey! let's see -- "turn on." [ popping ] wait! whoa! ] [ whistling ] thank you, boys! abandon ship! abandon ship! what is going on?! jiminy crickets. [ popping stops ] [ whistling stops ] what in the world is going on here, mork? what are you trying to do -- qualify for a federal disaster loan? oh, mr. bickley, i'm sorry. i was just trying to help. it looked so easy at the time i was doing it, and all of a sudden blammo! like krypton! what did you expect? housework isn't easy. it's miserable, backbreaking, repetitive, unrewarding, nonpaying labor. look what it's done to my hands. they look like lobsters at a tanning salon. quick -- call madge. mindy made it always look so easy. well, it isn't. my wife didn't like it either. she wanted to get a job, but i laid down the law. are of the house. after that, we never had another problem. everything was doke-okey, right? wrong. she left me. i still miss the static on the tv when she'd vacuum under my feet. i don't want mindy to leave me. then you better call her and find out how to run this place before it's too late. i'll do that right away. hello. this is dr. lincoln. this is mork. good afternoon. how can i help you? may i talk to mindy mcconnell? i'll kill him. mork, she's a little busy right now. that's all right. i'll wait. i have a canasta game going. mork, look, i have to keep this line open. could mindy call you back later? k-o. [ click ] that's live television for you. [ buzzes ] let's try another call. hello. this is dr. lincoln, and your first name is? mork, i-i'm sorry, but this line is in use for people with problems. i know that, and i've got a real doozy going here. mindy can take care of it if i could just talk to her for a millisecond. please. what is it, mork? mind, is that you? i can barely hear ya, hon. can you hear me now? yes, mind, and you look stunning. how do you get zucchini stains off the ceiling? why don't i help you with that when i get home? bye, mork. you're not gonna wave and throw me a kiss like dinah? what does that mean, min? be home early. and by the way, i love the show, and now a word from our sponsor. oh, dr. lincoln, i'm so embarrassed. i apologize. it'll never happen again. you must think i'm some kind of a loon. no, mindy, but i might suggest that this mork come see me at the clinic. [ buzzes ] what is it now, mork? oh. mr. sternhagen. yes, i'll be right in to see you. [ groans ] oh. i knew it was too good to last. mork! mork! mork! there's my little, lovely, mobile career woman. we're going to have dinner on the table say hi -- poppin' fresh -- too late. i got a little "bun in the oven" for you. ooh. hot potato. nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven. mork, i almost lost my job today. oh, hon, i know work was such a hard, hard thing today. why don't you just sit down now and relax? you sit down and rest those tired bones and tootsies. mork, i don't want to sit down. there's your little pipe. here's the sports page. i cut a few recipes out. i hope you don't mind. tle slippers here. you don't know what a hard day it's been for me, trying to put a waxy, yellow buildup on that floor. mork, i don't want to talk about the floor. i want to talk about what happened at work today. work, work, work -- that's all you type "a" personalities ever want to talk about. you don't know a thing about me. mork, you almost got me fired today. you embarrassed me on the air, and i just want you this is the thanks i get for slaving over a hot stove and working my fingers to the bone?! i'm wasting the best bleebs of my life. oh, mork. look, mork, calm down. no, you calm down! here i am in this house, cooped up all day, vicariously living through your exploits... [ mumbling ] okay, mork. forget i ever mentioned anything about it. we'll sit down and have a nice little dinner, just the two of us. you want your dinner, you eat out! mork, come on. you're overreacting. and always remember, carol, that one day your children will be parents, too. and that's when they'll get theirs. bye now. so until next time, this is dr. joni lincoln hoping that all your problems are little ones. a-are we still on the air, mindy? oh. oh, no, it's over. i mean, wrap. thank you. oh. i'm sorry, dr. lincoln. i don't know where my mind has been lately. oh, mindy, are you all right? you've been forgetting cues, i know i'm not supposed to bring my problems to work with me, but it's the guy i live with -- mork. well, he's just not adjusting very well to my working. oh. i'm sorry. i don't mean to be laying this all on you. oh, please, everybody does. it's part of the job. lay it on me. well, it's just that the two of us -- i-i don't know, everything got turned around somehow. and it was pretty weird to begin with. there are always going to be some adjustments. i went through it with my family. yeah, but mork has overadjusted. in one day, he went from being ozzie to harriet. could be an identity problem. well, mork shares in the housework, but i want to help with those responsibilities, too. i don't want him waiting on me hand and foot. how long have you been living together? about three years. is your physical relationship compatible? well, i-i guess that all depends on what you call "compatible." [ laughs ] i-i mean, um, well, we kiss and you know, but we don't -- you know. but -- but we're compatible. well, you know, mindy, in any relationship it takes more than one person to make a problem. we can talk about a number of ways to help improve things, because i think we're still on the air. [ buzzes ] i'll be right in, mr. sternhagen. hi, mork. oh, it's you. how nice. uh, did you happen to see the show today? no, min, i had an exhausting afternoon at the day-care center. we had an artistic problem -- there was a crayon lodged in mrs. fowler's ear. well, listen -- today i had a long conversation with dr. lincoln about our problems. problems? we have no problems. we're as happy as two moths and a porch light. [ sizzling ] oh, mork, no, we're not. oh, yes, we are. and i'm part of the problem. oh, min, you're -- oh, min. ought i was an anchor around your neck. i thought i was a hangnail on the finger of ambition. how can we save the shambles of this relationship? well, dr. lincoln suggested some ways that would help us to relate better. they're really more like games. games? i'll be shirts, and you be skins. no, they're not those kind of games. um, actually, they're more like exercises in trust. let's start with a real simple one. you stand over here. just stand straight. now i want you to fall, and i'll catch you. sounds reasonable. all right, i'll go along with this, but if it doesn't work, i'm walking. no, that's what it's about. you've got to trust me. come on, fall. i promise i'll catch you. you promise? i promise. all right. custer! [ mumbling ] nice catch, min. mork, you were supposed to fall backwards. oh. oh. [ sighs ] something's not right here. while you're still in one piece, let's try something else that might help us understand each other. it's called role reversal. it's where i play you, and you play me, and then we act out a scene from our normal, daily life. you mean i'll be mindy, and you'll be mork? there are laws against that, min. i think it could only help. give me till tomorrow morning to shave my legs. brows and buy some things. i'll be back. morning, mind. morning, mork. oh, gosh, i'm going to be late again. will ya? will ya? will ya? i'm so hungry i could eat bebo. i haven't got time. i'm too busy being a butch career girl. that's hittin' below the belt. stop it. you're gonna stretch out my boots. these are your boots? i had to stuff socks in the front. oh, mork, you're so talented and handsome, and you have such great taste in clothes. i never said that. it would be nice if you did once in a while. did you bury them again? well, i locked them in the jeep so they wouldn't get lost. did i do good? did i, did i, huh, huh? do i get a gold star? absolutely not. shazbat. mork, come, sit down. sense of impending doom. here we go. let's sit down and talk. not on your face. now, mork, mork... mork, i realize you're an alien yes, but i never would have done it without your patience and understanding. oh, really? [ imitating telephone ] ring! ring! hello. it's mr. sternhagen, my boss at the station. yes, mr. sternhagen. [ mumbling ] yes, i'm still here. [ mumbling ] yes. i have a little jeep problem. [ mumbling ] you're right. thank you. bye, mr. sternhagen. [ sighs ] oh. good news? i have to be at the station in 10 minutes, or i'm off the air forever. you'll just have to fix yourself breakfast, and i'll be home before midnight. but, but, min! wait a minute! don't leave without giving me a big -- kiss? i've been ignoring you, haven't i? with. as a roommate, i'm no john ritter. oh, mork, you're terrific -- different, but terrific. oh, mork, our lives are changing, and we just have to do a better job of changing with them. yeah, you're right. from now on, i'm only going to do my share. housework is really hard. and i'm gonna try not to use so much of myself up at the office that i have nothing left to give to you. see, i feel better already. we're gonna have to promise that we'll always tell each other how we're feeling. you got it. i feel happy now. well, that's good. i feel happier. oh, really? now it feels like almost joy. oh, oh, it is joy. [ laughing ] mork: mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. hello, anybody home? ah, mork. i love what you've done with your hair. oh, no, orson, sir. it's me, mindy mcconnell. remember me? i was here a few months ago with mork -- oh. well, sir, you see, mork and i started sharing all our responsibilities lately, so here i am. but if you'd really rather speak to mork, i -- just get on with it. okay. see, my report is really about my and mork's relationship. again? he told you about it? what did he say? because a good relationship is always changing and growing. but if a relationship works well, why would you want to change it? well, sometimes there's no choice. you never know what hurdles life is gonna place in front of you, and each one is a test of how much you care. and sometimes even if you don't have trouble getting over them, your partner may. so you either stop and help them over, or you go on alone. did i do all right? not bad for an earthling. oh, that's big of ya, sir. no, i didn't mean big. i meant that's good of you, sir. maybe we can do this again sometime soon. don't press your luck. right. well, um... this is mindy mcconnell signing off for mork. um, n-- okay, attention, everybody. i would like to propose a toast to mr. bickley on his birthday. woman: happy birthday, mr. bickley. bickley: well, thank you. [ clears throat ] happy bickday, birth! my colleagues and moi have created the world's first mork-o-gram, utilizing the letters of your name. [ plays off-key note ] "b" is for the buddy that you've always been to me. "i" is for the illusions you've shattered, "c" is for cake. when do we eat? why isn't this working out like i planned? all right, morkettes. plan "b." ? da-da da da da da ? happy 50, bickley! that's terrific! would the morkettes like a piece of cake? no, thanks, mindy. the moment was enough for me. well, come along, little munchkins. i'll bring some cake to you at the day-care center tomorrow. you'd better, buster, or i just may forget i'm a lady. that was really sweet of those little girls. thanks, mork. i didn't have the heart to tell them i was only 49. 49? wait a minute. we called your son tom, and he said you were 50. oh, he confuses me with paul newman. [ laughing ] look, i'll show you my driver's license. that will prove conclusively god. i am 50. well, welcome to the half-century club. so we're 50. our lives are just beginning. i feel like i've lost a whole year. i mean, i'm 50. all those things i've never done. what kind of things? you know, stuff you put off. like, well, i've never read the entire bible. i've never seen the grand canyon or niagara falls. you know what really gets me? s of life. nobody ever had to tell me the facts of life. guys know, right, mork? hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! let's face it -- i'm an old man. so many things i should have done and didn't do. opportunity raced by and left me sniffing its exhaust. oh, come on, mr. bickley. don't be so hard on yourself. regrets have nothing to do with age. oh, regrets -- i've had a few, but i've -- i've handled them my way. oh, what could you possibly have to regret, you little pixie pants? well -- ooh, bless you. well, the fact that my foot doesn't have a thumb, that my ears don't spin in the wind, that i never found out who rula lenska was. hey, you know what might be really interesting tonight? if we all shared our regrets with everybody else. it'll help mr. bickley, and we'll all get to know each other a lot better. oh, please say yes. i'm for anything that will help poor old mr. bickley. mindy, it's your apartment. why don't you go first? it's always her apartment. i live here, too. i only regret that i don't have her clout. mindy, what is it that you regret most in your life? , i'd really rather not go first -- you know, kind of shy and all. would anyone like some coffee? ooh, curiosity at her strange evasion. well, then, i'll go first. why did i say that? this is going to be embarrassing. oh, go for it, jeanie. well...what i most regret in life... has to do with a man named tony. i remember him. he was a big guy -- almost 5'8". he really knew how to talk to me. i was kind of quiet and shy, and i really didn't think very much of myself at the time. but what i saw in tony's eyes was so much nicer than anything i'd ever seen in my own mirror. can you imagine having somebody make you feel that special? how long did you and this tony go together? two months... you mean he was cheatin' on ya? now, wait a second. that guy, tony -- you dated him over a year. that's my regret. i can't believe this -- my little sister playing "dallas" in the bronx. mindy, would you like to go next? oh. i'd rather not. you know, nelson's dying to go next. he is? i bet the only thing he regrets is his little pink eyes can't stand this much light. actually, my biggest regret is that glenda stiff-armed me at the drive-in last night. i told you that's not where the popcorn dropped. ooh. ooh. ooh. there must be something in that albino soul of yours that you want to let out of there. let it out. let it fly. open up. open up. yeah, make us cry. ng me for years. i was 15. that's a good one. who's next? and every morning, i'd take the bus to school -- the number 26 bus. one morning, she gets on. she had the prettiest blond hair i'd ever seen... besides my own. she took my breath away. i watched her as she sat down -- about the same distance as mork is sitting now. oh, really? kind of like this? i couldn't take my eyes off her. i kept staring at her, thinking, "i've got to meet this person." but before i could think of how to approach her, the bus stopped, and she got up to leave. ding. she passed in front of me on the way to the exit. mork: [ high-pitched voice ] excuse me. she smiled politely and... got off the bus. [ imitating door opening ] pssshhhh! my heart was pounding. us and say hello. but i just sat there. the bus pulled away. i watched her through the window. i saw her grow smaller and smaller in the distance. there went my dream. ohh. ohh. all right. who's going to go next? mindy? oh, i'd really like to, but i have to get the ice cream for the cake. i'll go warm up the ketchup. i sense a certain aversion to airing your regret. am i right? am i wrong? why do i ask another question? there, i did it again. oh, mork, it's just that it's very personal. i'd really rather tell you when we're alone. ooh. our sense of intimacy grows. well, ever since i was a little girl, i wanted to be a dancer. and my body just seemed to want to move to it. i started with ballet when i was about 5, and i just loved it so much. one day, my father said to me, "where's the newspaper?" and i said, "over there." then i fell on my tutu. well, after the ballet, there was tap and jazz and modern. and i just felt so free. and then randolph came into my life. and you know, he loved to dance just as much as i did. i don't think our feet touched the groun through our entire marriage. [ voice breaking ] and then i was alone. and i haven't felt like dancing since. it's not right to close off a part of you, is it? glenda faye, would you dance with me? you mean now? well, i've got the music in me. oh, no. i don't think so. my dad's got a barn. come on. music, minstro. [ big-band music playing ] ooh. ooh. ooh. my regret is that women only want me for my body. mindy: what? wanna trade regrets? [ sighs ] i want her to discover the real remo, to reach out for me. well, i'm sure there's someone out there somewhere. i just hope she's built. yo! yo, yo, yo! yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! all right. who hasn't spilled his guts yet? let's see. i think it's mr. mcconnell and mindy. well, there is something i've lived with for quite some time even mindy doesn't know about. ally? what is it? it happened november 24, 1950, in korea. it was late, and we were on patrol. i remember trudging through the frozen mud in a miserable five below. suddenly, the sky lit up with incoming shells, and we all scattered into the woods. i'd never seen trees broken off at the top before... or men, either. the shelling stopped, just then, i heard the frozen mud crunch behind me. i whipped around, and i saw somebody charge at me with a fixed bayonet. before he could get to me, i raised my rifle and i shot him, and he flew back into a shell hole, dead. mindy, i killed a man. but, dad, you had to. he would have killed you. he was the enemy, uncle fred. s 3 feet away, he's another human being. the look on his face as his life left him... there are nights when i still see it. i just wish i didn't have to pull that trigger. if you didn't, you wouldn't be here with us. yeah, and you never would have had mindy. mork, you're right. some of these regrets are heavy. i know, but they've made me feel so much closer to all of you tonight. it feels really very good. i never knew exposing myself was such a warm experience. well, it's been an interesting party, but it's past my bedtime. hey, wait a minute. mindy, you haven't told us your regret. me on. no, no, no. she has no regrets. she's led a perfect life, thanks to me and her lady remington. come on, mindy. well, see, i really can't -- [ pounding on door ] the door. whew! regretus interruptus. oh, no. no, i'm exidor. you're mork. who is that? exidor, the town loon. i resent that, curly. i don't live in town. i bring bad news, mork. it's not going to be easy. i'd better sit down. i just got back from the doctor. exactly. he told me in swahili i've only got 41 years to live! here's his note describing my condition. [ speaking nonsense ] "yo mama." you've got your health. i'm about to punch out. that's why i plan to spend my last waning moments here in this house with my dearest friends. imagine our excitement. i'll just lie down unobtrusively. all of you vital people just go on with whatever you were doing. okay, mindy. what are your regrets? remo...there is a man in a robe lying on us. i couldn't help overhearing. what's this garbage about regrets? we're all telling each other things that we regret the most. oh, i've got one -- you know, mork, i've been feelin' really down in the dumps since my wife left me. well, you must have been awful shocked when she bit through the leash and got away. i was feelin' really low there for a while. i even let my appearance go. and then, as fate would have it, i became attached to another woman -- deeply attached. told her my feelings. oh, well, then, by all means, go and tell her now. should i, mork? should i run to her and risk rejection? not to mention mono. yes. yes, go to her! let your heart fly like a moth into a blowtorch! oh! i love you, my sweet! i see. goodbye, whitey, shorty, curly. you too, perky. you know, mork, you're the only one here with a normal name. well, i hate to admit it, but this has been the best 50-year-old birthday party i've ever had. d me learn something here tonight. age has nothing to do with regrets. i can do all those things i've always wanted to do starting tomorrow. who the hell is stopping me? jeanie: there you go! that's the spirit. but tonight, i need my rest. i've got 50 years of living, starting tomorrow. come on, frankie. let's see if we can beat these kids to the door. well, the guest of honor is leaving. it doesn't take the roof to fall in on my head. i know the party's over. oh, it'll keep. thank you. good night. thanks for coming. real nice to have friends, huh? see ya. yo, yo, yo! all right, mind. you can tell me now. okay, okay. let me sit down. [ sighs ] my regret is... that my mother had to die deeply moved. well, my mom would have liked you, mork. i just know it. i would have liked her, too. i know what i would have said to her, too. you do? sure. hello, mrs. mcconnell. nanu. uh, no, ma'am. i don't live around here, i live here. with mindy. yes, ma'am. we're very close. no, no, no, no. not that close. i don't even know what that is. you see, ma'am, i'm a -- i'm a creature from another planet. [ imitating spaceship ] o-o-o-o-o-o. except that i'm cuter, and i don't skitter across the floor like that. yes, ma'am, i'm single. you know, if it wasn't for mindy taking in strays, i would never have a place to be. i just want to thank you for bringing her into this world. do i love her? well... i wanna...i wanna give her everything i have and spend the rest of my life with her. oh. whew. you know, it's kind of funny that i had to come millions of miles to find something deep inside of me. i wonder if she feels the same way. yeah, i guess you're right. i should ask her myself. thank you, ma'am. thank you very much. i like you, too. hat i would have said to your mom. i got a feeling you're trying to say something to me, too. mork, was my mother really here? i love you, too, mork. [ ding! ] my, you look fetching. oh. hello, mother. do you like it? it's new. divine. it's a bit chic for the summers, though, isn't it? darrin and i are going to a dinner dance at the country club with the tates tonight. u here? no particular reason. as you're going to a dinner, i thought i might help. help? you have four mice and a pumpkin around? i have already met my prince charming. oh, there he is now. [ ding! ] mother -- [ ding! ] ugh! some prince charming. i'm afraid you and i