are you sure? okay, thank you. boy, that's nice of ya. come on now. thank you. thank you. thank you very much. and when i become president-- oh, excuse me. boy, you are wired tonight. thank you for comin'. this is-- this is "the tonight show," the 60 minute program that brings you the finest in comedy, entertainment, and-and music. the preceding ad was paid for by the carson for comedy comtt did you know you folks are in burbank? [ cheers and applause ] see, in los angeles, the night is made for michelob. in burbank, the morning is made for metamucil. it's a whole-- [ laughter ] what do you say after the show we all go over to geraldo's house and sign his nose cast? [ laughter ] did you see the tape of that on the news? what a fracas. a free for all of flying fists, broken noses. looked like the last presidential debate. what the hell is that? geraldo got hit with a chair, and his nose was broken, and his ratings went up. [ laughter ] which proves the old show business axiom, "give the people what they want "and they'll show up in droves." [ ht i don't know if you know this, but until yesterday, the most serious injury ever on a talk show host was suffered on the air, i think it was the time that dick cavett, uh, dropped a name on his foot. [ laughter ] i knew it wasn't gonna get big stuff, but i thought i'd try here. how many of you watched the "today show" today? to the dukakis campaign. he's all over the place. and they spent-- they spent the 20 minutes theorizing who would be in his cabinet. good move. that's like trying the picking-- that's like picking the cubs starting lineup at the next world series. [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway-- there's some nice news on the political front. kitty dukakis, uh, you know, was in thepi afterwards, and her, uh, husband went to visit her, and his first words were, "i balanced 10 budgets in a row. "i'm the son "of greek immigrants. "we have to make tough choices." [ laughter ] phew! well, exactly where did you leave tonight? [ laughter ] anyway, hey, the republicans, to, uh, relieve the anxiety over dan quayle. uh, today quayle said that "if anything happens to bush, "quayle's father will get him "out of government "service again." [ laughter ] [ applause ] quayle seems like a nice man, but he's a little weak on foreign policy. he was asked today if he would send military assistance to the straits of hormuz, and he says, "okay, but the gays "of hormuz are on their own. [ applause ] quayle-- [ laughter ] quayle is campaigning in elvis presley's hometown, memphis, tennessee. elvis is working for the bush/quayle ticket. did you know that? elvis promised to get out the dead vote. [ laughter ] [ booing ] okay, they're not all gems. out here in california, and he's planning, according to the paper, a rally in the valley. does that sound like something don king would promote? [ laughter ] "there's a rally in the valley!" uh, anyway, when he goes out there, george bush is gonna have to say, "read my lips... for sure." [ laughter ] think about it. i mean, this-- this is a real challenge for george bush. trying to explain thousand in [ laughter ] speaking of-- you know who's campaigning in burbank today? lloyd benson. yeah. now, okay. [ applause ] he came here for two reasons. to get votes for dukakis, of course, and he likes to hear those words, "the kid on the ticket." [ laughter ] burbank has some older people living here. there's some, um, uh-- [ laughing ] you like to see struggle, don't you? yeah. are you-- are you gonna vote soon? >> yes. >> next tuesday, is it? >> tuesday. >> yeah, some important initiatives on the california ballot. they're weird to understand. but the oil companies are spending a fortune, for example, uh, for mission for drill oil on the beach, and, uh, they're also-- the insurance companies are also spending a fortune to continue drilling in our wallets. did you know that? [ laughter ] if those words would have come out right, they would-- [ laughter ] if you'd like to go on a scavenger hunt, is a joke. [ laughter ] did you know that because of the number of issues on the ballot, there's a rule they're only gonna allow you 10 minutes in the voting booth to make up your mind? i got a better idea. they should give us four years to make up our mind, and the candidates 10 minutes in office. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's in every newspaper. i don't quite understand it. have you read about the computer virus? >> yeah. >> apparently, somebody introduced, into the computer system, a program that has fouled up computers-- military computers, and companies all over the country, and it keeps-- it's like a biological virus. it keeps reproducing the same program and they've gotta go out and clear it before they can use computers. and they call it a virus, computers. crazy world. it's not bad enough for humans, now we gotta put a condom on our macintosh. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's caused-- they call it the nightmare virus, and apparently, um, they got into "the tonight show" computer. yeah. yeah, fred today-- for the show, and shelley winters is mowing his lawn. [ laughter ] weird item. no, there was a, um, interesting thing from shelbyville, indiana in the paper today about-- apparently, at the police station there in the police locker, some mice got into the property room and started eating marijuana, which was stashed there for evidence. now, the way they got wise, they went into the locker and one of the mice was swingin' a cat around by the tail, singing "i did it my way." so, anyway, tonight... [ cheers and applause ] tonight, we've got-- tonight on the show-- tonight on the show, mr. james garner, jeff cesario, and park overall. so, stay where you are [ music ] >> we are back. thank you, doc. we have jim garner here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. we have jim garner here tonight, comedian jeff cesario, uh, park overall from, uh-- "empty nest," and, uh, shorty sullivan. um, what, four more days-- >> that's it. >> before the election? how many of you still consider yourselves undecided? [ applause ] okay. well, in "the new york times" today, they ran a piece on each candidate that listed, not the more important issues like, uh, foreign aid and the homeless and the budget and the defense department and all that. they asked them very simple questions. for example, dukakis said that he once had a crush interesting. and his favorite movie is "the seduction of joe tynan." remember that picture? >> yes. >> was that with, uh, alan alda? george bush's favorite actress of all time was greer garson, and he prefers horseshoes to opera. [ laughter ] the reason we're doing this is maybe these will give you some of the little character qualities that you may want to vote for this man. dukakis says he does a mean tango. bush says he's a lousy dancer. >> mm. >> bush says he likes to listen to "the oakridge boys." >> hmm? >> dukakis prefers jazz. >> yeah! >> yeah. bush says his favorite magazine is the fishing magazine "bass master." [ laughter ] this is his-- what he said. dukakis prefers to curl up with government reports and briefing papers. [ laughter ] yeah, bad sign. [ booing ] they said both candidates have little time for television, but dukakis says he watches "the cosby show" once in a while, [ laughter ] these are from the candidates' own lips, folks. read their lips. um, now, "the new york times" is a little stuffy, you know. we, uh, felt maybe we could get some other magazines that are a little more basic, get right down to... earthy kinds of things. >> what's happening. >> what? >> what's happening. >> that's right. we went down and picked up this month's copy of "politic boy." [ laughter ] it's a men's magazine about the politicians, with a fold out, a centerfold. and... for example, here's, uh... here's one on georgie this month. [ laughter ] and then it has, you know, it has the turn ons and turn offs like the "playboy" centerfold. it gives the birthdate, june 12th, 1924. uh, measurements, a size 12 flag. [ laughter ] favorite activity, that ol' fashioned fourth of july barbeque on december 7th. [ laughter ] [ applause ] um, favorite sport, pitching horseshoes. what i like most about america, "it's easier to spell "then zimbabwe." [ laughter ] fantasy-- you wouldn't imagine this guy has fantasies. seeing fidel castrci in the nude. [ laughter ] favorite way to make love-- they get very intimate here. with me on the right, was the answer. [ laughter ] uh, favorite joke, dan quayle. [ laughter ] here's a "playboy" on michael dukakis, where it says dukakis shows all. and you see, there's the centerfold for michael. and let's see what it says here. birthdate, november 3rd, 1933. uh, measurements, same as ken doll. [ laughter ] [ applause ] turn ons, taking only nine items through the ten item or less lane. [ laughter ] wildest fantasy, mixing rice crispies in with my corn flakes. my most annoying habit, the answer was, "what do you mean by that?" [ laughter ] favorite book, "the one "i'm standing on." [ laughter ] [ applause ] hidden talents, plays trumpet, sang in college chorus, one time dancing partner of anthony quinn. [ laughter ] it was over the greek. [ laughter ] turn offs, [ laughter ] favorite fantasy-- this is interesting. a grown man. "just before i climb into bed, "i would put the left shoe tree "in my right shoe, "and the right shoe tree "in the left shoe." [ laughter ] we all have-- we all have our little peccadillos, don't we. here's one featuring lloyd benson. [ laughter ] boy, there's lloyd. [ laughter ] okay, let's see. let's see. birthdate, february 11th, 1921. uh, measurements, 97-27-27 when i'm wearing the big hat. [ laughter ] favorite saying, "so who wants to win "a stupid poll anyway?" favorite game show host, pat sajak, but pat sajak is no jack kennedy. body part i'd like most to have massaged. my heart. [ laughter ] favorite fantasy, overhearing dukakis on the phone last july saying, "hello, jessie, how would you "like to be my running mate?" [ laughter ] dan quayle. let's see what-- [ laughing ] there's dan in, uh, "politic boy." [ laughter ] let's see the facts sheet. birthdate, february 4th, 1947, illinois. no, that's the other i state. indiana. turn ons, shooting spitballs at bob dole then looking away. [ laughter ] favorite book, coloring. [ laughter ] early notable accomplishment, the high school science fair for project showing electrical workings of a dim bulb. [ laughter ] "two people i admire most, "fuzzy zoeller "and margaret thatcher." i don't understand that at all. hidden talents-- did you know he does impressions of cagney, bogart, and a deer blinded by car headlights. [ laughter ] favorite-- favorite historical figure. "what does historical mean? "is that like when a woman "cries a lot?" [ laughter ] pet peeve, age limit on trick or treating. [ laughter ] "the person i'd like most "to meet, my dad. "i'm running a little "short this week." you know, those are some of the things-- now, don't write us and say we're being disrespectful to the candidates. politics is a silly business. it is. i don't know if that covers us. [ laughter ] it is, politics is sillier than what we do. we'll take a break, we'll be right back with jimmy garner. [ music ] >> okay, we are back. my first guest-- [ cheers and applause ] if you don't, uh-- if you don't know james garner, he is one fine actor. he's received both oscar and emmy nominations. he's also a good friend. would you welcome james garner? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] the man is back. the man is back. you've had a hell of a year, haven't ya? >> oh, yeah. they've been drillin' and cuttin'. they've been doin', i guess occidental would probably take a lease on me. >> for those of you who might not have read about it, you were in for a variety of, uh, surgical procedures, and, uh-- >> yeah. >> you look marvelous. >> i went in for an aneurism of the aorta. >> is that a restriction? >> you know what that is? >> no. >> yeah, well, the aorta is the largest blood carrying vessel in the body, and they said, "jim, >> they told you that up front? >> yeah. and so, they said, "we gotta do a bypass," and they did a four way bypass on me. and two months later, then they went in and did the aneurism. and, uh, i'll take four bypasses to one aneurism. >> yeah? >> yeah. >> so they just-- >> that was a mean dude. >> they had to replace things and whatever needed-- >> well, they looked at everything i had. [ laughter ] as a matter of fact, um, i-i was in there, and the doctors take mac davis' wife, and they were talking and i'm trying to think about the stitches because they're takin' 'em out and i'm tryin' to ignore it. and the doctor's saying, you know, the kidney looked good and the gallbladder looks good and everything looked good, and i'm thinkin' in my mind, you know, uh, that the-the test came back. now, what he meant was, "it looks good. "mm-hmm, that looks good." he had 'em in his hands. [ laughter ] all my parts they had. my lungs, my heart, you know, doctors are-- >> you know, you may be eligible to be legally declared a mattel toy... if they keep replacing all the parts in there. >> well, they looked at everything i got, and anything they didn't like they replaced. >> well, you look super, you look super. >> i must have another 40-50,000 miles. [ laughter ] >> you, uh, you said you went out and played golf the other day, he's an excellent golfer, and shot a 74. >> yeah. >> well, you can't feel-- [ cheering and applause ] yeah, you're back, you're back. you know, after all that messin' around they been doin', that i wouldn't really ever get back to where i was before, but i think i'm gonna make it now. >> i would-- i would think so. uh, we talked just a couple of moments before the show. you were amazed, and i don't know why you should've been, of the amount of mail and stuff that you got while you were in the hospital. >> it was just-- it was really very touching and just overwhelming. i-i couldn't believe it. i mean, there was so many flowers, books, and cards. somewhere between nine and ten thousand cards. >> that's nice. >> and it really got to me. uh, and one of the reasons i wanted to come on, i-- you can't answer all of them. i think we answered, uh, about 3,500-4,000 of 'em that i answered. i can't answer all of 'em and i wanted to here. i wanted to say thank ya to everyone that did. it kinda gets to ya. >> yeah, that's nice, though, to know they're out there. you said brando came by to say hello. >> yeah, they wouldn't let him in. don't like brando. that's not the reason. it's because-- >> he left a note-- i had a policeman on the door and a couple of nurses, and i think he was referring to the nurses. he said he couldn't by the doberman bridge. [ laughter ] but i had a lot of people visit. and, um, it was really-- i was very touched by it. >> i imagine you kind of sort out a lot of priorities in your life when you're in that situation, don't you? and taken a kind of overview of where you're goin' and where you been and, uh-- >> yeah, a lot of things that you thought m a that much anymore. when you get right down to it, your health is the most important thing. then you find that your friends are the next most important, and family. and that's-- you know, you do sort out your priorities pretty good. >> you wrote a book along that. we're gonna take a break first because norman cousin, i think, was the one who wrote the book about-- was it the anatomy of an illness? and said that humor played a great part in his recovery. the marx brothers movies, and he tried to do a study on it showing the people who read funny things or watched funny movies seemed to have a faster-- it was a positive influence on recovery was laughter. you came in with a book that's kind of funny and full of quotes called the old curmudgeon, is that it? >> "the portable curmudgeon." >> "the portable curmudgeon." curmudgeon will be what, describes what? an old cantankerous type of, uh-- >> i'll read it to ya. >> uh-uh, can we take a break? do a commercial first? >> okay, go 'head. >> these are just quotes from-- >> it's your show. [ laughter ] you can do whatever you want >> yeah. priorities, priorities. we'll be right back, stay where you are. sure, do whatever you want. attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets. we'll help you make sure you have the it's a new medicare year. that means more changes... and more confusion. here's what i tell my patients... start by asking ... what kind of care is best for your current situation? have there been changes in your health or medications? the key question is: what can you do now, to ensure you get the care you need in the coming year? to find the coverage you need, call healthmarkets today. new medicare plans in your area may offer better coverage and lower costs. rkets has access to thousands of medicare options from leading insurance companies nationwide. plans that may... cost less... cover more ... with more choices... like dental and vision care. and the freedom to choose your own doctors. all at a price you can afford. we help find the right plan for you. and we do it at no cost. there were so many benefits i wasn't taking advantage of. healthmarkets can find me the right plan. and their service doesn't cost a cent. healthmarkets takes away the confusion. too often i see my patients paying more than they need to because they don't know what they're entitled to. make sure you have what you need to get the care that's right for you. you have only a few weeks left. if you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. call a licensed healthmarkets' agent now. call now. call this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you - without cost or obligation. call now. [ music ] [ cheering ] >> what a note-- oh. what a note. that's in case anybody falls asleep at home, doc hits that last note, it's like the alarm went off. >> "the portable curmudgeon." everybody oughtta know what a curmudgeon is. >> yeah. >> uh, there's an archaic, uh, definition and a modern definition. the archaic is "a crusty, "ill tempered, churlish "old man," which i think i qualify for, and the modern version is "anyone who hates hypocrisy "and pretense, and has "the temerity to say so. "anyone with the habit of "pointing out unpleasant facts "in an engaging "and humorous manner." >> you said you had some on politics and politicians? on politics. i got this in a hospital from a young lady by the name of donna ismond, who works for prudential banks here in los angeles, and also, dick martin and, uh, bob newhart sent me one of 'em. i'm a little upset they couldn't of, you know, they had to chip in. >> yeah, well, you know. times are tough, jim. >> yeah, but anyway, i read this in the hospital, my stitches. i mean, it was so funny. and when i got out i called this-this author, john whitaker, and i-i found-found his telephone number in the book and i called him and i said, "john, "this is james garner," and i said, "i'm an actor." and he said, "yes, i know." he said, "how are you?" and i'd been out of the hospital only about ten days, and i said, "i'm fine. "i just wanted to tell you "any curmudgeon worth his salt "wouldn't have a listed "phone number." [ laughter ] but, uh, it's got everything in it that you could possibly want. anything. every subject. >> everything in this book. >> anything in this book. uh, like politicians. h.l. mencken once said, "a good politician "is quite as unthinkable "as an honest burglar." [ laughter ] uh, let me see. who was that? charles de gaulle said, "in order to become the master, "the politician poses "as the servant." >> not bad. >> well, they get-- they are david lloyd george said, "a politician is a person "with whose politics "you don't agree. "if you agree with him, "he's a statesman." [ laughter ] oscar levant said cynically of a politician once, he said, "he'll double cross that bridge "when he comes to it." [ laughter ] >> ah, that's oscar lavance. [ applause ] >> oh, we got a lot of these. uh, i could just-- let me see here. said, "nothing is so admirable "in politics as a short memory." "it is dangerous for "a national candidate "to say things that people "might remember." [ laughter ] eugene mccarthy said that. >> true, true. >> too true. um, hmm. >> i was reading this afternoon, some of 'em on marriage. i don't know why, uh-- [ laughter ] >> i can't imagine why. >> here, you wanna read it? >> let me see it. >> it starts there. >> uh, marriage, marriage, marriage. >> yeah, you gotta-- you gotta sort 'em out. >> uh, oscar levant, again, "marriage is a triumph "of habit over hate." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, here. h.l. mencken again. he was-- he was crusty. mencken-- "no man examining "his mare "can fail to observe "that it is compounded, "at least in part, of slavery, "and that he is the slave." [ laughter ] j.b. priestley said, "marriage is like paying "an endless visit "in your worst clothes." [ laughter ] george bernard shaw said, "marriage is popular "because it combines "the maximum of temptation with "a maximum of opportunity." let's see. >> watch it, there's a couple in there-- >> yeah, you have to be very careful. [ laughter ] >> does it go to husbands and wives? >> hmm. karl kraus says, "since the law prohibits "the keeping of wild animals, "and i get no enjoyment "from pets, i prefer "to remain unmarried." [ laughter ] [ applause ] wow. >> there's a whole section on kraus. >> okay, let me ask you another question. >> all right. >> um, this is about you again. i hate to dwell on your, uh... >> why not, i'm here? >> stay in the hospital. yeah, you're here. obviously, i would guess because of a thing like an aneurism, and bypass surgery, you changed your diet a little bit. i'm only guessing. >> you're right. >> now, before this happened, if you went to a restaurant, what would be your ideal thing that you would order? >> well, for breakfast it was sausage, biscuits, and gravy. that's out. >> no sausage, biscuits, and gravy? >> well, i can have the biscuits and gravy.

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