Transcripts For WCAU The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Transcripts For WCAU The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20161105



featuring young m.a., and featuring the roots. >> questlove: 565! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! thank you! thank you! welcome! ♪ thank you very much! welcome, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] that is a hot crowd. that is a great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is where you want to be. here's what people are talking about. you guys, this sunday is the new york city marathon. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. runners train for months and months just for the chance to tell their friends they came in 10,000th place. [ light laughter ] it's nice. [ scattered applause ] the marathon's opening ceremony actually kicked off today with the parade of nations. it's a celebration of the fact that wherever we come from and whatever our culture, we can all come together to get beaten by a guy from kenya. [ laughter and applause ] and it's just -- it's a a beautiful moment. it's a beautiful thing. but of course, the big story is election day is on tuesday. and i read that krispy kreme is giving out free donuts to anyone who shows their "i voted" sticker. [ cheers ] that's right. krispy kreme, so that way you can make two decisions you're not really proud of. [ laughter and applause ] yesterday, bernie sanders met up with hillary clinton to campaign in north carolina. [ cheers ] as former rivals, it's nice to see them come together and embrace each other. take a look. oh. [ laughter ] almost. they almost embraced each other. "it's flu season. get away from me." [ laughter and applause ] over on the republican side, melania trump gave a speech yesterday where she said she wants to focus on stopping internet bullies. when asked how she plans on doing that, she said, "by hiding my husband's phone." [ laughter and applause ] stop it. now, multiple sources within the fbi say the agency has so pro-trump, one agent even called the fbi, "trumplandia." then trump said, "hey, that's what i was going to rename the united states if i win." [ laughter and applause ] "it's got a nice ring to it." but if you're voting here in new york, you should listen to this. i read that ballot selfies are banned here in new york city for election day. well, i guess that means anthony weiner won't be voting this year. [ laughter and applause ] election with an "l." election day. [ laughter ] >> steve: i just wanna take a a picture though. >> jimmy: what you're talking about is not an actual day. [ laughter ] "it is at my house." all right, now look, hey. [ laughter ] guys, i just saw a movie based on the '90s furby toys is in the works. and, this is kind of crazy, but i saw that way back in 2000. they once released a a limited-edition toy called "furby for president." this is real. it looks a little familiar. take a look at this thing. [ laughter ] isn't that amazing? the only difference between that thing and donald trump is the furby has batteries you can remove to get it to stop talking. [ laughter ] and you could -- [ cheers and applause ] it'll stop. be careful, though. if you bring that one home, it will deport your other toys. [ laughter ] just so you know. just so you know. [ applause ] speaking of toys, there's a new line of cabbage patch kids that have electronic eyes that can actually react to you. perfect for kids that love dolls, but hate being able to sleep at night. [ laughter and applause ] "mom, it won't stop staring at me." guys, sometimes it feels like there's nothing but bad news out there, especially with the election going on. well, we here at "the tonight show" have decided to do something about that. we asked real local news anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true, stories that make us feel happy. i'll show you what i mean in tonight's installment of, "i've got good news and good news." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i've got good news i've got good news i've got good news ♪ >> in medical news, flossing has been found to be complete bull crap. you've always known it, and now we all know it. [ laughter ] >> breaking news, that crying baby on your cross-country flight just stopped, looked around and said, "wow, that was pretty annoying. sorry, everybody." and slept peacefully for the rest of the trip. [ laughter ] >> hey, remember earlier when you tripped, and then you tried to play it cool by turning it into a little jog? [ laughter ] well, it worked. that's right. a few people saw it and totally thought you just decided to jog for a second. [ laughter ] >> breaking news, your coworkers are dying to hear about your dream last night. it doesn't matter that it never really happened and doesn't affect them in any way. they're just happy to be talking to you. [ laughter ] >> this just in. your favorite sports team can now hear your suggestions through the television, and they love the helpful advice. [ laughter and applause ] so, the next time you yell, "how about play some real defense?" you can expect to see some real defense. [ cheers and applause ] >> just a reminder, ice cream. [ laughter ] >> and finally tonight, i'm a a little nervous to tell you this, but i like you. ♪ i mean, i like-like you. and i was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get a cup of coffee some time, maybe see a movie starring renee zellweger. sorry, i'm bad at this. damn it, joe. you're blowing it. anyway, if you're still interested, meet me at the top of the empire state building at midnight, and let's just see what happens. i have a really good feeling about it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean, chuck scarborough, fantastic. we have a great show for you tonight! give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ah, thank you, guys! thank you. thank you. guys, come back again next week on monday. bill maher will be here. that's right. [ cheers and applause ] as well as, this is very exciting, from the world champion chicago cubs, anthony rizzo, dexter fowler. [ cheers and applause ] and world series mvp ben zobrist will be here! [ cheers and applause ] the cubs! >> steve: go cubbies! >> jimmy: oh, they're great. i'm very excited. that's monday. later in the week, we have eddie redmayne. we have lily collins. [ cheers and applause ] amy adams, jeremy renner will all be here. it's going to be a great, great week. [ cheers ] but first, we love this man. he's one of the funniest people on earth. he's got a brand-new stand-up comedy special on netflix called "dana carvey: straight white male, 60." >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: dana carvey is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] plus, oh man, this woman is so talented. her new album, "here," is out today. [ cheers ] alicia keys is in the house! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: just talented, funny, awesome. i can't wait to talk to her. we're going to catch up, and then she's going to perform her new single, "blended family," for us. i can't wait. i'm so happy. alicia keys is here. [ cheers and applause ] love her. guys, today's friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox and return some e-mails. and of course, i send out thank you notes, and i was just running a bit behind. [ cheers and applause ] i was running a bit, i was wondering if i could just write out my weekly thank-you notes right now. is that cool? you don't mind? [ cheers and applause ] you guys are the greatest. thank you so much. i appre -- [ studdering ] [ laughter ] hey. james? how you doing, buddy? [ laughter ] what are you doing -- what are you doing this weekend? [ laughter ] hey, james, can i get some thank-you note writing music, please? ♪ [ laughter ] he's a joy to have around the office. >> steve: he's a joy, yeah. >> jimmy: he's a joy to have around the office. >> steve: cute as a bug. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's our -- he's our little button, there. >> steve: he's our little button. >> jimmy: and we love him. >> steve: jimmy baseball. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy baseball. love his album. ♪ >> jimmy: "thank you, daylight savings time this weekend, for stretching out the election season for one more hour." [ cheers and applause ] we get it. >> steve: enough. >> jimmy: gosh! ♪ "thank you, 'i voted' stickers for being a great thing to wear if you voted or if you just want to show up to work two hours late." [ cheers and applause ] "that line was so -- it was a a mess." >> steve: "unbelievable." >> jimmy: "oh, it was just, like a mess." >> steve: "they were serving booze." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "oh, i was even there early, and i still couldn't." [ laughter ] >> steve: wait, did you vote or not? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: did you vote? >> jimmy: yeah, i totally went, and i -- [ laughter ] and i voted. >> steve: were you just there? are you sure you voted? >> jimmy: i was just there. >> steve: where'd you vote at? where did you vote? >> jimmy: i had to go to the school. >> steve: which school? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they changed the location last minute. [ laughter ] how was i supposed to know? [ laughter ] i was there early at the wrong school. i had to vote, wait online. [ laughter ] >> steve: are you okay? is there something wrong with your -- >> jimmy: no. i just had a krispy kreme. >> steve: oh. [ laughter and applause ] fall back. >> jimmy: thank you. ♪ "thank you, beyonce, for giving a surprise performance at the cma awards or as it's also known, 'country time lemonade.'" >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: perfect. >> steve: come on! perfect! >> jimmy: perfect! >> steve: "country time lemonade." >> jimmy: that was made just for that joke. >> steve: come on, perfect! >> jimmy: "thank you, salad spinners, for making me feel like i'm doing cpr on my lettuce." [ laughter and applause ] "come on! stay with me! stay with me, buddy. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. it's wilted." >> steve: ugh! [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: "thank you, donald trump and hillary clinton, for both holding your election night parties in new york city, which will result in the lamest reenactment of 'west side story' ever." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you're never alone you're never disconnected ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: and finally, this is the last one. [ audience aws ] last thank you note. but i love you. i love you, boy. [ laughter ] ♪ and it's time for you to grow up, time for you to get a job, get married, hopefully do better than your old man did. [ laughter ] ♪ but i will take you with me wherever i go ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i'm working on it -- >> steve: and the tony goes to -- >> jimmy: i'm working out my one-man, my one-man show. >> steve: the one-man show. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: it's called "thank you notes." >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: but with notes, "thank you notes." >> jimmy: here you go, lengthy notes. here's the last one. ♪ "thank you, arby's, for selling out of your new deer meat sandwich on its first day, or as santa put it, 'guess i'll be using an uber from now on.'" [ cheers and applause ] there you go. thank you, everyone! those are my "thank you notes." we'll be right back with dana carvey! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ simulation initiated. ♪ [beeping] take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. simulation complete. the new nissan rogue. rogue one: a star wars story. in theaters december 16th. we heard you got a job as a developer!!!!! its official, i work for ge!! what? wow... yeah! okay... guys, i'll be writing a new language for machines so planes, trains, even hospitals can work better. oh! sorry, i was trying to put it away... got it on the cake. so you're going to work on a train? not on a train...on "trains"! you're not gonna develop stuff anymore? no i am... do you know what ge is? inthousands ofk barrels lay silent aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years at jim beam our history is made from the inside how will you make yours? now try jim beam apple poured over ice and serve with club soda and a fresh lemon wedge to make a crisp, refreshing jim beam apple and soda. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is one of the all-time greatest cast members in "saturday night live" history. he now stars in the new original stand-up special, "dana carvey: straight white male, 60," premiering today, exclusively on netflix. and then beginning january 6th and 7th, he will be with his good friend jon lovitz, who i should say is one of the greatest cast members of "saturday night live" history. at the -- they're doing a residency at the foundry in the sls hotel in las vegas. please welcome the hilariously entertaining dana carvey! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was cool. >> hey! how you doing? everything good? [ speaking french ] jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: uh, um, uh -- [ french gibberish ] [ light laughter ] >> you're the only talk show host i could go out and you're like, "okay, that's cool." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we don't need any of that stuff. >> come on, man. what are we going to do? [ light laughter ] i have anxiety. >> jimmy: i have a problem. >> i have anxiety, ladies and gentlemen. >> jimmy: i have anxiety! >> like the whole nation does. we got to get to tuesday. we just got to get to tuesday. >> jimmy: i know, let's get to tuesday, please, please. >> because there's a very good chance both of them could be arrested before tuesday. [ laughter ] come on! we got to get to tuesday. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: seriously. >> i mean, you see donald, like, "melania, melania, get to the plane, okay? just get to the plane, okay?" "why we got to go to plane, donald? you touch a lady's vajeesh?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] a lady's vajeesh? >> what are you, borat? just get on the plane, okay? get on the plane, okay? okay. okay, okay, okay. >> jimmy: what we do now? >> well, i think obama -- they'll both get arrested, taken away in shackles, and obama will have to come on tuesday night and, "well, i've talked to michelle. we've decided to stay on." [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. [ as obama ] >> "that's right. and in the spirit of unity, i've got someone who's going to be co-president with me. george?" [ as george w. bush ] "i'm going to be the veep." [ laughter ] that's quite an intense face. that's when they go -- "i'm going to be the veep." hey, let me do a little joke for you. two irishmen walk out of a bar. it could happen. [ laughter ] it's a comedy bicycle. if you get a big laugh, you just do this. [ light laughter ] ♪ everybody does it. everyone does it. everyone does it. don't give a comedian a a monitor. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to talk about -- >> oh, anyway. >> jimmy: -- your stand-up special. >> yeah, "straight white male, 60." i know, it's a weird title, isn't it? >> jimmy: i like it. >> my sons are millennials, they're doing stand-up with me and they're like, "dad, you should totally name it that. i would so click on that. i would totally click on that." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's all about clicking on it. >> it's all about click bait. that's it. so, you know, i do a lot of millennial material in the special. >> jimmy: yeah. what do you think of millennials? >> i spend a lot of time with them. well, they're brilliant. you guys, any millennials here? [ cheers and applause ] yeah. enjoy your youth, man. enjoy your youth. touch your toes, never take a a nap. [ laughter ] here we are. we'll be right back with more jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: is it tom brokaw? >> i was tom brokaw. >> jimmy: tom brokaw is -- >> tom brokaw -- >> jimmy: i'll be announcing for "the tonight show." >> let me do tom brokaw saying "where the library?" in spanish. [ as brokaw ] donde esta la biblioteca? [ laughter ] why not? >> jimmy: why not? >> why not? ♪ this is why -- >> jimmy: this is what you get to expect if you watch the netflix special. >> i do a lot of wacky stuff. yeah, i do some millennial -- the thing i do about millennials is never take a a millennial kid, or never take a teenage boy to europe. like, don't waste your money. my wife and i brought our sons to italy and we were in the roman coliseum with the teenage boys. so we thought it was amazing, my god, the seat of history. my son, 18 at the time, says, and i'll stand up for it. this is the quote. he goes, "uh, is this pretty much all we're going to do today?" [ laughter and applause ] which is such a passive aggressive thing. all they care about -- because they were into bmx biking and skateboarding -- is what they could catch air on. you know, we saw the statue of david. "i could catch so much air off his ass." [ laughter ] anyway. >> jimmy: anywho. but do you a thing -- >> where are we? >> jimmy: -- in your -- you do micro impressions. >> i do micro impressions now. they're my latest little trick. >> jimmy: i love this. i've always loved your stand-up. that's -- >> thank you. one of my micro impressions is of you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what? >> and it's not very good. it's just a core, tiny essence exploded into the stratosphere. >> jimmy: okay. >> this is jimmy fallon seeing a ufo. crazy. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i would freak out. if i saw a ufo, i would freak out. >> okay, let me throw one at you, okay? how about chris rock as a sushi chef. >> jimmy: me do chris rock? >> no, yeah, you do chris rock as a sushi chef. >> jimmy: raw fish. [ laughter ] raw fish! how do you like the fish? raw. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ raw fish! >> this is -- christopher walken enjoys a a magic trick. wow! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> sean connery is asked whether he would like to vacation in spain. "yes." [ laughter ] they're micro. this is for questlove. tony montana at thanksgiving dinner. scarface. tony montana, thanksgiving dinner. "pass the sweet potatoes." [ laughter ] ♪ michael cain in kindergarten. [ as caine ] "just because it's nap time, doesn't mean i need a bloody nap." [ laughter ] [ applause ] a-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-p. that's right. that's right. i just want to know why do we have to color between the lines? [ laughter ] the way you do him is to go downstairs, have you noticed? >> jimmy: yeah. >> if you do michael cain, you start up here on the stairs and you take one level down here and then you go further down and then you go down here and then you say, "master wayne, what's with all the push-ups if you're never going to use your muscles?" [ laughter ] >> liam neeson works at whole foods. >> jimmy: okay. >> "now this is a ten item or less line. you have 11 items. if you walk away now, no harm will come to you." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this writes itself, but it's fun. >> donald trump applies chapstick. [ light laughter ] donald trump applies chap stick. >> jimmy: you do it. i don't know -- [ as trump ] >> i just do it like, okay, so good, so soft. [ light laughter ] so, so nice. >> jimmy: i think maybe you take two tubes and you go -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] dana carvey, everybody! i love this man. [ cheers and applause ] i love this man! check out "dana carvey: straight white male, 60," premiering today on netflix. more fun with dana when we come back. ♪ the little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. you naughty little... did you just spank your lunch? yes. nice. food you want to fork. introducing devour. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! i'm so proud of you. well thank you. free at at discover.com/creditscorecard, even if you're not a customer. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ okay google, show me korean restaurants in boulder. google assistant: i found a few places. vo: the new pixel, phone by google. exclusively on verizon. the only next gen network that lets you get the most out of it. how is this possible? vo: because verizon lte advanced delivers 50% faster peak speeds in 450 cities, coast to coast. buy a pixel and get up to $400 back. and get 20 gigs of data with no surprise overages, and 4 lines for only $40 each. why settle when you can have it all on verizon? tis to shop kohl's this weekende all week because kohl's will give you tax break savings with an extra 10 percent off and an extra 10 dollars off your purchase of 25 dollars or more! everyone gets kohl's cash too! kohl's. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ and criminalize women's right to choose. pat toomey and donald trump both would defund planned parenthood, "there has to be some form of punishment." "for the woman?" "yeah." "i would suggest that we have penalties for doctors... who perform them." and when donald trump insulted women and bragged about... sexual assault, pat toomey refused to reject him. pat toomey: won't stand up to trump. won't stand up for women. dscc is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we're hanging out with our good friend, dana carvey, who has a a stand-up special. [ cheers and applause ] "dana carvey: straight white male, 60." it's premiering exclusively on netflix today. dana, i hate to get all nostalgic and stuff. >> let's do it. >> jimmy: but do you remember when we worked together on that old tv show? >> oh, really? you mean, you're talking about "tumbleweed canyon"? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> tumbleweed canyon. >> jimmy: that's right. >> how long ago was that? >> jimmy: i don't know. it was a western miniseries. >> right. >> jimmy: we played two cowboys who hung out at a saloon and made comments about everyone who walked in. >> seems like -- yeah. >> jimmy: it was basically like "westworld" but without the robots. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i just remember it being a lot of fun. >> it was fun. you know, you were great in it. you were really good. >> jimmy: thank you. i think we have a -- [ laughter ] you were great, too. >> how was i? i was all right. if we had nude, horny robots, we'd still be on the air. >> jimmy: but they would just make comments about everybody, and that's all the show was, and that's why it was canceled. it was unfortunate but you went on to have a great career. knock on wood. >> you're doing okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm just hearing from the booth, is this true? [ imitating tom brokaw ] "this is breaking news." we have a clip from the show. >> you serious? oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: going back to memory lane. here it is. "tumbleweed canyon." >> "tumbleweed canyon." [ cheers and applause ] [ whip cracks ] ♪ ♪ [ light laughter ] >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] two sarsaparillas, bar keep. nothin' beats wettin' your whistle right here at our favorite watering hole. >> jimmy: that's right. that's right. you and i are the kings of this here saloon. >> yes, you said it, partner. [ light laughter ] that's right. >> jimmy: well, well, well, lookie what we gots ourselves here. >> oh, we got ourselves a a businessman. >> jimmy: yeah, you going to take care of some business, mr. businessman? is that what you're going to do? huh? >> you going to make a business call on a cellular telephone? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you going to be a man who does business mr. businessman? yeah. >> we in the making fun of businessman business, and let me tell you, business is good. >> jimmy: that's what i thought. that's what i thought. we own this place. >> we own this saloon. oh. >> jimmy: well, well, well. lookie what we got ourselves here. we gots ourselves a flight attendant. you going to attend some flights? is that what you're going to do, flight attendant lady? you going to offer some peanuts or little pretzels? >> you going to tell us to make sure our seats are belted and all buckled up and our tray tables are -- [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: you going to bring us a drink if we give the button a a ding? >> yeah, like a little ding ding for a little drink drink. [ laughter ] yeah. ding ding. yeah. >> jimmy: ding dong the witch is dead. >> you run away, flight attendant lady, attend to your flight. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, well, well, lookie what we got ourselves here. we got ourselves a judge. walking around in your black >> oh, look at judgey man run away. that's what i thought. these mustaches are rigged. [ laughter and applause ] oh, man. unbelievable. we just funning. what you got to say, bar keep man? >> you know what? it's pretty pathetic, you guys making fun of everybody that walks into this here saloon. you got to take a good look in that mirror and you think about what you're doing with your lives. ♪ >> jimmy: maybe he's right. looks like we got ourselves two sad and lonely cowboys who try build themselves up by tearing other people down. >> maybe them cowboys you're talking about, they're afraid of what they might see if they -- [ laughter ] if they take a look -- [ laughter ] at their own soul. [ laughter ] i'm fighting hard for this one. >> jimmy: hanging in there. [ adam sandler gibberish ] look at what we got here, adam sandler cowboy. maybe the emotional wounds left by an absent father and an unloving mother. >> jimmy: nah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that was -- that was a lot more fun than i remember. my thanks to dana carvey, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] stick around. we'll be right back with alicia keys, ladies and gentlemen! 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[eagle screams] ♪ that the whole wide world is watchin'... ♪ introducing the new turbocharged golf alltrack with 4motion® all-wheel drive. soon to be everywhere. was she expecting to find ther perfect designer boots at such an amazing price? no. but that's the beauty of a store full of surprises. you never know what you're gonna find, but you know you're gonna love it. remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed. it's time to snap out of it. hello moto. snap on a jbl speaker. a projector. a camera that actually zooms. it's a phone you can change again and again and again. hello moto. get excited world. moto is here. the new moto z with motomods. buy one moto z droid, get one free. only on verizon. i miss my daughter every day. she was shot and killed in a movie theater. jessi's murderer used an assault weapon with a high capacity gun clip. these clips allow killers to keep shooting and shooting. senator pat toomey opposes banning these clips, and he opposes an assault weapons ban. pat toomey stands with the gun lobby and not you. i hope you remember that when you vote. majority forward is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a a multi-platinum singer, songwriter, and producer. she has won 15 grammys and sold over 35 million albums. [ cheers and applause ] plus she's one of our favorite new coaches on "the voice," which airs monday and tuesday nights at 8:00 p.m. right here on nbc. her much anticipated new album, "here" is available today. please welcome the insanely talented alicia keys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that is how you do it. how you doing? welcome. oh, welcome, welcome. you look beautiful. >> nice. >> jimmy: thank you. welcome back. >> i like that. >> jimmy: i love -- i love the album. it's fantastic. [ valley girl accent ] "i love your hair. i love your hair." >> do you love my hair? >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "i love your hair." >> get into it. >> jimmy: i love your hair. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how -- what's the name of the album? >> oh, the name of the album is "here." >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "hair?" >> not to be mistaken with "hair." >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "hair." i love your hair in here. >> yeah. my hair in here. >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "it's getting hair in here." [ light laughter ] i don't even know that song. how are you pal? good to see you. >> i'm so good. >> jimmy: i want to talk about this because i know you and the roots shared a studio back in 1998, i want to say? >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: do you remember this? >> 1998? >> jimmy: is that right? >> somebody help me. >> jimmy: questlove got you something. >> he got me a present? >> jimmy: he got you a present because you guys shared a a studio together. i don't know what this is or what -- >> is this going to be a a jukebox, quest? because i really, really want a a jukebox. >> jimmy: it's not a jukebox. it's very small. yeah. >> well, thank you so much. is this like a holiday present? >> questlove: yeah. sure. >> oh. >> questlove: we discovered krispy kreme back in 199 -- [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. >> jimmy: do you remember that? what do you mean you discovered them? >> you have to smell it. >> jimmy: you don't have to smell the krispy kreme. >> mmm. >> jimmy: you just get right in there. >> no, that's what makes you go into the store, because you smell it like 60 blocks away. [ light laughter ] and you're like, "where's the krispy kreme?" >> jimmy: where was this? where was this? >> questlove: well, at battery studios. >> right. >> questlove: i didn't know her at the time, but her room was set up with all these christmas lights. >> yeah. we do christmas lights. >> questlove: yeah, for some reason. like no regular lights. just christmas lights. >> hence, the holiday gift packaging. >> questlove: exactly, exactly. >> you have such a good memory. that's so sweet and sensitive of you. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: that's not -- [ applause ] i'm the one that gave them to you. i'm the -- yeah. i mean, hello. >> oh, thank you. thanks, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, you're good at doing, like, that type of thing when you say, like, "that's so thoughtful and nice of you." and it comes off and you go, "that's so --" you do this on "the voice" and i think that's how you get all of your people. >> but i mean it. >> jimmy: i don't know. i mean -- [ laughter ] >> what? >> jimmy: you do mean it. >> are you trying to say i'm inauthentic? >> jimmy: no. you are not. i'm trying to say you know how to do it. you know how to sell. "you gotta come with me." we have a clip. just to see how good you are. >> okay. all right. come on. >> you came to this show to meet me. [ applause ] i'm not playing. i'm not joking. i'm so serious, and i'm serious in a place in my heart. i was working on music trying to figure out who i am and how could people stop telling me to try to fit in with everybody else since i was 14 years old. i don't want to be like anybody else. and i don't want you to be like anybody else. you were born to show people what love sounds like. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on! no one's buying that. i think that's why you're great, because you say stuff like that and you go -- and you feel emotion through the tv set and i go, "i want alicia keys to pick me." [ laughter ] i want to work with you. i can't even sing. >> no, that -- i mean, wei is like an incredible vocalist and to hear her, you can't believe how she makes you feel and she has this tiny, tiny, tiny little speaking voice and then her actual singing voice is huge. so i have to say i wasn't always that good like that. >> jimmy: oh, really? you couldn't -- >> it was a very strange scenario because, you know, you press your button and if other people press their button then everyone has to, like, start to pitch to the person why they should choose them, and i didn't -- i'm not good at that. i wasn't good at that. >> jimmy: you're not a pushy person, trying to sell things. >> i'm not a pitcher. i'm not like a salesman, like, "hey," you know? it's weird. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. i do that. >> you are a salesman? >> jimmy: yeah. i sell things all the time. >> oh. [ light laughter ] okay, well -- >> jimmy: that's part of my job. >> anyway, i guess i wasn't really doing a good job for a a little while because, you know, my creative partner and manager, she said to me, before i went onset one day, she was like, "i'm going to need you to step it up. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: woah. >> "i'm going to need you to drop, like, 15 grammys on them." >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> "i'm going to need you to talk about why you're the only woman on there that's a a producer and a writer and an artist. i need you -- " >> jimmy: yeah. >> " -- to step it up." i was like, "okay." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did. and you stepped it up. how do you have time to -- yeah. [ cheers and applause ] you did. and that's why you're so great. this album, you took over times square. look at this photo. this is amazing. >> oh my -- oh. >> jimmy: that's real. that looks fake. [ cheers and applause ] that looks fake. that's unbelievable. >> i was in a dream. i grew up -- i was born and raised in new york city. this was a dream. >> jimmy: yeah. >> a literal dream. >> jimmy: that's crazy, right? >> i can't even believe that picture exists. seriously. >> jimmy: that's so cool. >> it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: tell me about the album. what do fans have to look forward to? >> oh, you're gonna -- i just feel so connected to music, so connected to myself, so connected to the message. i feel so -- i feel like this is the best album i've ever written yet. and i feel like this is, you know, but this is really me meeting myself and the world, us, this is us meeting here right now, and that's why i called it "here." but for sure, this is the album i always dreamed to do, but i didn't exactly know how to execute it. it's raw. it is urgent. it's a love letter to new york city. it's honest. it's vulnerable. it's things that everybody can understand. it is so, so, so powerful. i cannot wait for you to go there and be here on saturday. >> jimmy: yeah. "blended family" is what you're doing tonight. >> yes. >> jimmy: and that is based on your family. >> "blended family" is a a beautiful -- i think that's another awesome thing about the album. it really topically talks about things that i don't think we don't get a lot of -- you don't hear that much or we don't get a chance to explore that much. so "blended family" really explores what the modern day family is, and what does it look like. and there is no traditional family, you know? a blended family can be two moms with their kids. a blended family can be two different people from two different religious backgrounds getting together. a blended family can be an asian mom and a black dad. it can be like my family where my husband has children from other relationships and now we are all one family unit, you know, just loving, uplifting each other, and it can be anything that is surrounded with love. so, that's what "blended family" is about. it's not often talked about, but we're all blended families, so it's -- it's dope. >> jimmy: and you're going to play that for us tonight, and i can say, because i'm sitting next to you, i feel the love. >> can you? >> jimmy: i can feel -- ♪ i can feel the love right here ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ "here" is available on itunes ♪ alicia keys, everyone. she's going to perform her new single, "blended family," featuring young m.a. for us when we come back. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ hey, is this our turn? honey...our turn? yeah, we go left right here. (woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. the mistay connected.elps us the microsoft cloud offers infinite scalability. the microsoft cloud helps our customers get up and running, anywhere in the planet. wherever there's a phone, you've got a bank, and we could never do that before. the cloud gave us a single platform to reach across our entire organization. it helps us communicate better. we use the microsoft cloud's advanced analytics tools to track down cybercriminals. this cloud helps transform business. this is the microsoft cloud. alright, how's this for a tv show. sous chef. lawyer by day, prep-cook by night. also, his name is sous. no. sloppy joseph. a middle-aged man who's trying to get his life together, but he can't - he's to sloppy. huhhh - no! here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. everything's on sale! a home shopping show takes place on a sailboat. that's the one! banana boat dessert on me. look at you being all lactose tolerant. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's more than cash back. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the number #1 prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist about humira. humira. what's your body of proof? hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. vo: in times of crisis america depends on steady leadership. donald trump: "knock the crap out of them, would you? seriously..."vo: clear thinking... donald trump: "i know more about isis than the generals do, believe me." vo: and calm judgment. donald trump: "and you can tell them to go fu_k themselves." vo: because all it takes is one wrong move. donald trump audio only: "i would bomb the sh_t out of them." vo: just one. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the new album is called "here." performing "blended family," featuring young m.a. and the roots, once again, alicia keys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ growing up i had a little sister, older brother and to us a father figure was a single mother ♪ ♪ my daddy was locked up my mother was knocked up ♪ ♪ and every now and then my brother father would pop up ♪ ♪ but i consider him dad cause he would get me basically anything that i asked ♪ ♪ fresh kicks for the summer i would crease em and scuff em ♪ ♪ new coat for the winter with a new pair of butters ooh ♪ ♪ treated me like i was his a single mother no daddy that's just how we live ♪ ♪ we didn't understand cause we was only kids blended families at times that's just what it is ♪ ♪ that's just what it is hey i might not really be your mother ♪ ♪ but that don't mean that i don't really love ya and even though i married your father ♪ ♪ that's not the only reason i'm here for ya i think you're beautiful i think you're perfect ♪ ♪ i know how hard it gets but i swear it's worth it worth it ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ there ain't nothing there ain't nothing there ain't nothing i won't do for us ♪ ♪ for love it may not be easy this blended family but baby ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ love yeah, yeah for love ♪ ♪ i know it started with a little drama i hate you had to read it in the paper ♪ ♪ but everything's alright with me and your momma ♪ ♪ baby everybody here you know adores ya ♪ ♪ and i think it's beautiful i think it's perfect i know how hard it gets ♪ ♪ but i swear it's worth it worth it that's what you do what you do ♪ ♪ what you do what you do for love there ain't nothing there ain't nothing ♪ ♪ there ain't nothing i won't do for us for love ♪ ♪ it may not be easy this blended family but baby ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ yeah love you do it all for love ♪ ♪ are you this real my true love cause you're my baby rejoice daily ♪ ♪ i believe love could bring us closer than blood ♪ ♪ are you this real my true love cause you're my baby rejoice daily ♪ ♪ i believe love could bring us closer than blood ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ there ain't nothing there ain't nothing there ain't nothing i won't do for us ♪ ♪ for love it may not be easy this blended family but baby ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ love that's what you do for love ♪ ♪ for the love of the babies for love we're a blended family for love ♪ ♪ and it's alright for love said it's alright ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: alicia keys! young m.a.! "here" is out today. we'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ she ate like a pig. trump has said and done... you can do anything. i moved on her like a [bleep] ...trump's just so disgusting and degrading. it just seems like he's invaded our lives. and he's the republican nominee for president. and republican brian fitzpatrick supported trump. look, we just can't vote for fitzpatrick or trump. house majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. at a neighborhoods a restaurafavorite - a place for a good, family meal. she juggled customers, cooks, waitresses - and never complained. my dad was a police officer walking his beat. i learned from both what it means to be honest, to work hard, and love family. big banks, wall street, special interests - that's who pat toomey's with. in the senate, i'll work for you and your family. i'm katie mcginty, and i approve this message. pwhen i come home and dinner'sry not ready i go through the roof. grab 'em by the p*á*á". when you're a star, they let you do it. you can do anything. more accusers coming forward to say they were sexually assaulted by donald trump. i'll go backstage before a show... yes.. and everyone's getting dressed. donald trump walked into the dressing room while contestants, some as young as 15 were changing. standing there with no clothes. you see these incredible looking women. i'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers. she ate like a pig. a person who's flat-chested is very hard to be a 10. do you treat women with respect? uh... i can't say that either. alright, good. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to dana carvey, alicia keys, young m.a.! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania. there's the roots. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you so much for watching. have a great weekend. hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- joel edgerton. star of "westworld," actress evan rachel wood. host and author ina garten. featuring the 8g band with allison miller. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. first lady michelle obama campaigned with hillary clinton today. hillary, are you sure that's a good idea? that's like simon trying to get garfunkle elected because when

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Transcripts For WCAU The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20161105 : Comparemela.com

Transcripts For WCAU The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon 20161105

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featuring young m.a., and featuring the roots. >> questlove: 565! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! thank you! thank you! welcome! ♪ thank you very much! welcome, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] that is a hot crowd. that is a great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is where you want to be. here's what people are talking about. you guys, this sunday is the new york city marathon. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. runners train for months and months just for the chance to tell their friends they came in 10,000th place. [ light laughter ] it's nice. [ scattered applause ] the marathon's opening ceremony actually kicked off today with the parade of nations. it's a celebration of the fact that wherever we come from and whatever our culture, we can all come together to get beaten by a guy from kenya. [ laughter and applause ] and it's just -- it's a a beautiful moment. it's a beautiful thing. but of course, the big story is election day is on tuesday. and i read that krispy kreme is giving out free donuts to anyone who shows their "i voted" sticker. [ cheers ] that's right. krispy kreme, so that way you can make two decisions you're not really proud of. [ laughter and applause ] yesterday, bernie sanders met up with hillary clinton to campaign in north carolina. [ cheers ] as former rivals, it's nice to see them come together and embrace each other. take a look. oh. [ laughter ] almost. they almost embraced each other. "it's flu season. get away from me." [ laughter and applause ] over on the republican side, melania trump gave a speech yesterday where she said she wants to focus on stopping internet bullies. when asked how she plans on doing that, she said, "by hiding my husband's phone." [ laughter and applause ] stop it. now, multiple sources within the fbi say the agency has so pro-trump, one agent even called the fbi, "trumplandia." then trump said, "hey, that's what i was going to rename the united states if i win." [ laughter and applause ] "it's got a nice ring to it." but if you're voting here in new york, you should listen to this. i read that ballot selfies are banned here in new york city for election day. well, i guess that means anthony weiner won't be voting this year. [ laughter and applause ] election with an "l." election day. [ laughter ] >> steve: i just wanna take a a picture though. >> jimmy: what you're talking about is not an actual day. [ laughter ] "it is at my house." all right, now look, hey. [ laughter ] guys, i just saw a movie based on the '90s furby toys is in the works. and, this is kind of crazy, but i saw that way back in 2000. they once released a a limited-edition toy called "furby for president." this is real. it looks a little familiar. take a look at this thing. [ laughter ] isn't that amazing? the only difference between that thing and donald trump is the furby has batteries you can remove to get it to stop talking. [ laughter ] and you could -- [ cheers and applause ] it'll stop. be careful, though. if you bring that one home, it will deport your other toys. [ laughter ] just so you know. just so you know. [ applause ] speaking of toys, there's a new line of cabbage patch kids that have electronic eyes that can actually react to you. perfect for kids that love dolls, but hate being able to sleep at night. [ laughter and applause ] "mom, it won't stop staring at me." guys, sometimes it feels like there's nothing but bad news out there, especially with the election going on. well, we here at "the tonight show" have decided to do something about that. we asked real local news anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true, stories that make us feel happy. i'll show you what i mean in tonight's installment of, "i've got good news and good news." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i've got good news i've got good news i've got good news ♪ >> in medical news, flossing has been found to be complete bull crap. you've always known it, and now we all know it. [ laughter ] >> breaking news, that crying baby on your cross-country flight just stopped, looked around and said, "wow, that was pretty annoying. sorry, everybody." and slept peacefully for the rest of the trip. [ laughter ] >> hey, remember earlier when you tripped, and then you tried to play it cool by turning it into a little jog? [ laughter ] well, it worked. that's right. a few people saw it and totally thought you just decided to jog for a second. [ laughter ] >> breaking news, your coworkers are dying to hear about your dream last night. it doesn't matter that it never really happened and doesn't affect them in any way. they're just happy to be talking to you. [ laughter ] >> this just in. your favorite sports team can now hear your suggestions through the television, and they love the helpful advice. [ laughter and applause ] so, the next time you yell, "how about play some real defense?" you can expect to see some real defense. [ cheers and applause ] >> just a reminder, ice cream. [ laughter ] >> and finally tonight, i'm a a little nervous to tell you this, but i like you. ♪ i mean, i like-like you. and i was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get a cup of coffee some time, maybe see a movie starring renee zellweger. sorry, i'm bad at this. damn it, joe. you're blowing it. anyway, if you're still interested, meet me at the top of the empire state building at midnight, and let's just see what happens. i have a really good feeling about it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean, chuck scarborough, fantastic. we have a great show for you tonight! give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ah, thank you, guys! thank you. thank you. guys, come back again next week on monday. bill maher will be here. that's right. [ cheers and applause ] as well as, this is very exciting, from the world champion chicago cubs, anthony rizzo, dexter fowler. [ cheers and applause ] and world series mvp ben zobrist will be here! [ cheers and applause ] the cubs! >> steve: go cubbies! >> jimmy: oh, they're great. i'm very excited. that's monday. later in the week, we have eddie redmayne. we have lily collins. [ cheers and applause ] amy adams, jeremy renner will all be here. it's going to be a great, great week. [ cheers ] but first, we love this man. he's one of the funniest people on earth. he's got a brand-new stand-up comedy special on netflix called "dana carvey: straight white male, 60." >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: dana carvey is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] plus, oh man, this woman is so talented. her new album, "here," is out today. [ cheers ] alicia keys is in the house! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: just talented, funny, awesome. i can't wait to talk to her. we're going to catch up, and then she's going to perform her new single, "blended family," for us. i can't wait. i'm so happy. alicia keys is here. [ cheers and applause ] love her. guys, today's friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox and return some e-mails. and of course, i send out thank you notes, and i was just running a bit behind. [ cheers and applause ] i was running a bit, i was wondering if i could just write out my weekly thank-you notes right now. is that cool? you don't mind? [ cheers and applause ] you guys are the greatest. thank you so much. i appre -- [ studdering ] [ laughter ] hey. james? how you doing, buddy? [ laughter ] what are you doing -- what are you doing this weekend? [ laughter ] hey, james, can i get some thank-you note writing music, please? ♪ [ laughter ] he's a joy to have around the office. >> steve: he's a joy, yeah. >> jimmy: he's a joy to have around the office. >> steve: cute as a bug. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's our -- he's our little button, there. >> steve: he's our little button. >> jimmy: and we love him. >> steve: jimmy baseball. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy baseball. love his album. ♪ >> jimmy: "thank you, daylight savings time this weekend, for stretching out the election season for one more hour." [ cheers and applause ] we get it. >> steve: enough. >> jimmy: gosh! ♪ "thank you, 'i voted' stickers for being a great thing to wear if you voted or if you just want to show up to work two hours late." [ cheers and applause ] "that line was so -- it was a a mess." >> steve: "unbelievable." >> jimmy: "oh, it was just, like a mess." >> steve: "they were serving booze." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "oh, i was even there early, and i still couldn't." [ laughter ] >> steve: wait, did you vote or not? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: did you vote? >> jimmy: yeah, i totally went, and i -- [ laughter ] and i voted. >> steve: were you just there? are you sure you voted? >> jimmy: i was just there. >> steve: where'd you vote at? where did you vote? >> jimmy: i had to go to the school. >> steve: which school? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they changed the location last minute. [ laughter ] how was i supposed to know? [ laughter ] i was there early at the wrong school. i had to vote, wait online. [ laughter ] >> steve: are you okay? is there something wrong with your -- >> jimmy: no. i just had a krispy kreme. >> steve: oh. [ laughter and applause ] fall back. >> jimmy: thank you. ♪ "thank you, beyonce, for giving a surprise performance at the cma awards or as it's also known, 'country time lemonade.'" >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: perfect. >> steve: come on! perfect! >> jimmy: perfect! >> steve: "country time lemonade." >> jimmy: that was made just for that joke. >> steve: come on, perfect! >> jimmy: "thank you, salad spinners, for making me feel like i'm doing cpr on my lettuce." [ laughter and applause ] "come on! stay with me! stay with me, buddy. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. it's wilted." >> steve: ugh! [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: "thank you, donald trump and hillary clinton, for both holding your election night parties in new york city, which will result in the lamest reenactment of 'west side story' ever." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you're never alone you're never disconnected ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: and finally, this is the last one. [ audience aws ] last thank you note. but i love you. i love you, boy. [ laughter ] ♪ and it's time for you to grow up, time for you to get a job, get married, hopefully do better than your old man did. [ laughter ] ♪ but i will take you with me wherever i go ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i'm working on it -- >> steve: and the tony goes to -- >> jimmy: i'm working out my one-man, my one-man show. >> steve: the one-man show. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: it's called "thank you notes." >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: but with notes, "thank you notes." >> jimmy: here you go, lengthy notes. here's the last one. ♪ "thank you, arby's, for selling out of your new deer meat sandwich on its first day, or as santa put it, 'guess i'll be using an uber from now on.'" [ cheers and applause ] there you go. thank you, everyone! those are my "thank you notes." we'll be right back with dana carvey! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ simulation initiated. ♪ [beeping] take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. simulation complete. the new nissan rogue. rogue one: a star wars story. in theaters december 16th. we heard you got a job as a developer!!!!! its official, i work for ge!! what? wow... yeah! okay... guys, i'll be writing a new language for machines so planes, trains, even hospitals can work better. oh! sorry, i was trying to put it away... got it on the cake. so you're going to work on a train? not on a train...on "trains"! you're not gonna develop stuff anymore? no i am... do you know what ge is? inthousands ofk barrels lay silent aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years at jim beam our history is made from the inside how will you make yours? now try jim beam apple poured over ice and serve with club soda and a fresh lemon wedge to make a crisp, refreshing jim beam apple and soda. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is one of the all-time greatest cast members in "saturday night live" history. he now stars in the new original stand-up special, "dana carvey: straight white male, 60," premiering today, exclusively on netflix. and then beginning january 6th and 7th, he will be with his good friend jon lovitz, who i should say is one of the greatest cast members of "saturday night live" history. at the -- they're doing a residency at the foundry in the sls hotel in las vegas. please welcome the hilariously entertaining dana carvey! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was cool. >> hey! how you doing? everything good? [ speaking french ] jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: uh, um, uh -- [ french gibberish ] [ light laughter ] >> you're the only talk show host i could go out and you're like, "okay, that's cool." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we don't need any of that stuff. >> come on, man. what are we going to do? [ light laughter ] i have anxiety. >> jimmy: i have a problem. >> i have anxiety, ladies and gentlemen. >> jimmy: i have anxiety! >> like the whole nation does. we got to get to tuesday. we just got to get to tuesday. >> jimmy: i know, let's get to tuesday, please, please. >> because there's a very good chance both of them could be arrested before tuesday. [ laughter ] come on! we got to get to tuesday. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: seriously. >> i mean, you see donald, like, "melania, melania, get to the plane, okay? just get to the plane, okay?" "why we got to go to plane, donald? you touch a lady's vajeesh?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] a lady's vajeesh? >> what are you, borat? just get on the plane, okay? get on the plane, okay? okay. okay, okay, okay. >> jimmy: what we do now? >> well, i think obama -- they'll both get arrested, taken away in shackles, and obama will have to come on tuesday night and, "well, i've talked to michelle. we've decided to stay on." [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. [ as obama ] >> "that's right. and in the spirit of unity, i've got someone who's going to be co-president with me. george?" [ as george w. bush ] "i'm going to be the veep." [ laughter ] that's quite an intense face. that's when they go -- "i'm going to be the veep." hey, let me do a little joke for you. two irishmen walk out of a bar. it could happen. [ laughter ] it's a comedy bicycle. if you get a big laugh, you just do this. [ light laughter ] ♪ everybody does it. everyone does it. everyone does it. don't give a comedian a a monitor. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to talk about -- >> oh, anyway. >> jimmy: -- your stand-up special. >> yeah, "straight white male, 60." i know, it's a weird title, isn't it? >> jimmy: i like it. >> my sons are millennials, they're doing stand-up with me and they're like, "dad, you should totally name it that. i would so click on that. i would totally click on that." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's all about clicking on it. >> it's all about click bait. that's it. so, you know, i do a lot of millennial material in the special. >> jimmy: yeah. what do you think of millennials? >> i spend a lot of time with them. well, they're brilliant. you guys, any millennials here? [ cheers and applause ] yeah. enjoy your youth, man. enjoy your youth. touch your toes, never take a a nap. [ laughter ] here we are. we'll be right back with more jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: is it tom brokaw? >> i was tom brokaw. >> jimmy: tom brokaw is -- >> tom brokaw -- >> jimmy: i'll be announcing for "the tonight show." >> let me do tom brokaw saying "where the library?" in spanish. [ as brokaw ] donde esta la biblioteca? [ laughter ] why not? >> jimmy: why not? >> why not? ♪ this is why -- >> jimmy: this is what you get to expect if you watch the netflix special. >> i do a lot of wacky stuff. yeah, i do some millennial -- the thing i do about millennials is never take a a millennial kid, or never take a teenage boy to europe. like, don't waste your money. my wife and i brought our sons to italy and we were in the roman coliseum with the teenage boys. so we thought it was amazing, my god, the seat of history. my son, 18 at the time, says, and i'll stand up for it. this is the quote. he goes, "uh, is this pretty much all we're going to do today?" [ laughter and applause ] which is such a passive aggressive thing. all they care about -- because they were into bmx biking and skateboarding -- is what they could catch air on. you know, we saw the statue of david. "i could catch so much air off his ass." [ laughter ] anyway. >> jimmy: anywho. but do you a thing -- >> where are we? >> jimmy: -- in your -- you do micro impressions. >> i do micro impressions now. they're my latest little trick. >> jimmy: i love this. i've always loved your stand-up. that's -- >> thank you. one of my micro impressions is of you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what? >> and it's not very good. it's just a core, tiny essence exploded into the stratosphere. >> jimmy: okay. >> this is jimmy fallon seeing a ufo. crazy. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i would freak out. if i saw a ufo, i would freak out. >> okay, let me throw one at you, okay? how about chris rock as a sushi chef. >> jimmy: me do chris rock? >> no, yeah, you do chris rock as a sushi chef. >> jimmy: raw fish. [ laughter ] raw fish! how do you like the fish? raw. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ raw fish! >> this is -- christopher walken enjoys a a magic trick. wow! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> sean connery is asked whether he would like to vacation in spain. "yes." [ laughter ] they're micro. this is for questlove. tony montana at thanksgiving dinner. scarface. tony montana, thanksgiving dinner. "pass the sweet potatoes." [ laughter ] ♪ michael cain in kindergarten. [ as caine ] "just because it's nap time, doesn't mean i need a bloody nap." [ laughter ] [ applause ] a-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-p. that's right. that's right. i just want to know why do we have to color between the lines? [ laughter ] the way you do him is to go downstairs, have you noticed? >> jimmy: yeah. >> if you do michael cain, you start up here on the stairs and you take one level down here and then you go further down and then you go down here and then you say, "master wayne, what's with all the push-ups if you're never going to use your muscles?" [ laughter ] >> liam neeson works at whole foods. >> jimmy: okay. >> "now this is a ten item or less line. you have 11 items. if you walk away now, no harm will come to you." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this writes itself, but it's fun. >> donald trump applies chapstick. [ light laughter ] donald trump applies chap stick. >> jimmy: you do it. i don't know -- [ as trump ] >> i just do it like, okay, so good, so soft. [ light laughter ] so, so nice. >> jimmy: i think maybe you take two tubes and you go -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] dana carvey, everybody! i love this man. [ cheers and applause ] i love this man! check out "dana carvey: straight white male, 60," premiering today on netflix. more fun with dana when we come back. ♪ the little sounds your crispy bacon makes drive me crazy. you naughty little... did you just spank your lunch? yes. nice. food you want to fork. introducing devour. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! i'm so proud of you. well thank you. free at at discover.com/creditscorecard, even if you're not a customer. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ okay google, show me korean restaurants in boulder. google assistant: i found a few places. vo: the new pixel, phone by google. exclusively on verizon. the only next gen network that lets you get the most out of it. how is this possible? vo: because verizon lte advanced delivers 50% faster peak speeds in 450 cities, coast to coast. buy a pixel and get up to $400 back. and get 20 gigs of data with no surprise overages, and 4 lines for only $40 each. why settle when you can have it all on verizon? tis to shop kohl's this weekende all week because kohl's will give you tax break savings with an extra 10 percent off and an extra 10 dollars off your purchase of 25 dollars or more! everyone gets kohl's cash too! kohl's. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ and criminalize women's right to choose. pat toomey and donald trump both would defund planned parenthood, "there has to be some form of punishment." "for the woman?" "yeah." "i would suggest that we have penalties for doctors... who perform them." and when donald trump insulted women and bragged about... sexual assault, pat toomey refused to reject him. pat toomey: won't stand up to trump. won't stand up for women. dscc is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we're hanging out with our good friend, dana carvey, who has a a stand-up special. [ cheers and applause ] "dana carvey: straight white male, 60." it's premiering exclusively on netflix today. dana, i hate to get all nostalgic and stuff. >> let's do it. >> jimmy: but do you remember when we worked together on that old tv show? >> oh, really? you mean, you're talking about "tumbleweed canyon"? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> tumbleweed canyon. >> jimmy: that's right. >> how long ago was that? >> jimmy: i don't know. it was a western miniseries. >> right. >> jimmy: we played two cowboys who hung out at a saloon and made comments about everyone who walked in. >> seems like -- yeah. >> jimmy: it was basically like "westworld" but without the robots. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i just remember it being a lot of fun. >> it was fun. you know, you were great in it. you were really good. >> jimmy: thank you. i think we have a -- [ laughter ] you were great, too. >> how was i? i was all right. if we had nude, horny robots, we'd still be on the air. >> jimmy: but they would just make comments about everybody, and that's all the show was, and that's why it was canceled. it was unfortunate but you went on to have a great career. knock on wood. >> you're doing okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm just hearing from the booth, is this true? [ imitating tom brokaw ] "this is breaking news." we have a clip from the show. >> you serious? oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: going back to memory lane. here it is. "tumbleweed canyon." >> "tumbleweed canyon." [ cheers and applause ] [ whip cracks ] ♪ ♪ [ light laughter ] >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] two sarsaparillas, bar keep. nothin' beats wettin' your whistle right here at our favorite watering hole. >> jimmy: that's right. that's right. you and i are the kings of this here saloon. >> yes, you said it, partner. [ light laughter ] that's right. >> jimmy: well, well, well, lookie what we gots ourselves here. >> oh, we got ourselves a a businessman. >> jimmy: yeah, you going to take care of some business, mr. businessman? is that what you're going to do? huh? >> you going to make a business call on a cellular telephone? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you going to be a man who does business mr. businessman? yeah. >> we in the making fun of businessman business, and let me tell you, business is good. >> jimmy: that's what i thought. that's what i thought. we own this place. >> we own this saloon. oh. >> jimmy: well, well, well. lookie what we got ourselves here. we gots ourselves a flight attendant. you going to attend some flights? is that what you're going to do, flight attendant lady? you going to offer some peanuts or little pretzels? >> you going to tell us to make sure our seats are belted and all buckled up and our tray tables are -- [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: you going to bring us a drink if we give the button a a ding? >> yeah, like a little ding ding for a little drink drink. [ laughter ] yeah. ding ding. yeah. >> jimmy: ding dong the witch is dead. >> you run away, flight attendant lady, attend to your flight. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, well, well, lookie what we got ourselves here. we got ourselves a judge. walking around in your black >> oh, look at judgey man run away. that's what i thought. these mustaches are rigged. [ laughter and applause ] oh, man. unbelievable. we just funning. what you got to say, bar keep man? >> you know what? it's pretty pathetic, you guys making fun of everybody that walks into this here saloon. you got to take a good look in that mirror and you think about what you're doing with your lives. ♪ >> jimmy: maybe he's right. looks like we got ourselves two sad and lonely cowboys who try build themselves up by tearing other people down. >> maybe them cowboys you're talking about, they're afraid of what they might see if they -- [ laughter ] if they take a look -- [ laughter ] at their own soul. [ laughter ] i'm fighting hard for this one. >> jimmy: hanging in there. [ adam sandler gibberish ] look at what we got here, adam sandler cowboy. maybe the emotional wounds left by an absent father and an unloving mother. >> jimmy: nah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that was -- that was a lot more fun than i remember. my thanks to dana carvey, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] stick around. we'll be right back with alicia keys, ladies and gentlemen! 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[ cheers and applause ] plus she's one of our favorite new coaches on "the voice," which airs monday and tuesday nights at 8:00 p.m. right here on nbc. her much anticipated new album, "here" is available today. please welcome the insanely talented alicia keys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that is how you do it. how you doing? welcome. oh, welcome, welcome. you look beautiful. >> nice. >> jimmy: thank you. welcome back. >> i like that. >> jimmy: i love -- i love the album. it's fantastic. [ valley girl accent ] "i love your hair. i love your hair." >> do you love my hair? >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "i love your hair." >> get into it. >> jimmy: i love your hair. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how -- what's the name of the album? >> oh, the name of the album is "here." >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "hair?" >> not to be mistaken with "hair." >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "hair." i love your hair in here. >> yeah. my hair in here. >> jimmy: [ valley girl accent ] "it's getting hair in here." [ light laughter ] i don't even know that song. how are you pal? good to see you. >> i'm so good. >> jimmy: i want to talk about this because i know you and the roots shared a studio back in 1998, i want to say? >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: do you remember this? >> 1998? >> jimmy: is that right? >> somebody help me. >> jimmy: questlove got you something. >> he got me a present? >> jimmy: he got you a present because you guys shared a a studio together. i don't know what this is or what -- >> is this going to be a a jukebox, quest? because i really, really want a a jukebox. >> jimmy: it's not a jukebox. it's very small. yeah. >> well, thank you so much. is this like a holiday present? >> questlove: yeah. sure. >> oh. >> questlove: we discovered krispy kreme back in 199 -- [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. >> jimmy: do you remember that? what do you mean you discovered them? >> you have to smell it. >> jimmy: you don't have to smell the krispy kreme. >> mmm. >> jimmy: you just get right in there. >> no, that's what makes you go into the store, because you smell it like 60 blocks away. [ light laughter ] and you're like, "where's the krispy kreme?" >> jimmy: where was this? where was this? >> questlove: well, at battery studios. >> right. >> questlove: i didn't know her at the time, but her room was set up with all these christmas lights. >> yeah. we do christmas lights. >> questlove: yeah, for some reason. like no regular lights. just christmas lights. >> hence, the holiday gift packaging. >> questlove: exactly, exactly. >> you have such a good memory. that's so sweet and sensitive of you. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: that's not -- [ applause ] i'm the one that gave them to you. i'm the -- yeah. i mean, hello. >> oh, thank you. thanks, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, you're good at doing, like, that type of thing when you say, like, "that's so thoughtful and nice of you." and it comes off and you go, "that's so --" you do this on "the voice" and i think that's how you get all of your people. >> but i mean it. >> jimmy: i don't know. i mean -- [ laughter ] >> what? >> jimmy: you do mean it. >> are you trying to say i'm inauthentic? >> jimmy: no. you are not. i'm trying to say you know how to do it. you know how to sell. "you gotta come with me." we have a clip. just to see how good you are. >> okay. all right. come on. >> you came to this show to meet me. [ applause ] i'm not playing. i'm not joking. i'm so serious, and i'm serious in a place in my heart. i was working on music trying to figure out who i am and how could people stop telling me to try to fit in with everybody else since i was 14 years old. i don't want to be like anybody else. and i don't want you to be like anybody else. you were born to show people what love sounds like. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on! no one's buying that. i think that's why you're great, because you say stuff like that and you go -- and you feel emotion through the tv set and i go, "i want alicia keys to pick me." [ laughter ] i want to work with you. i can't even sing. >> no, that -- i mean, wei is like an incredible vocalist and to hear her, you can't believe how she makes you feel and she has this tiny, tiny, tiny little speaking voice and then her actual singing voice is huge. so i have to say i wasn't always that good like that. >> jimmy: oh, really? you couldn't -- >> it was a very strange scenario because, you know, you press your button and if other people press their button then everyone has to, like, start to pitch to the person why they should choose them, and i didn't -- i'm not good at that. i wasn't good at that. >> jimmy: you're not a pushy person, trying to sell things. >> i'm not a pitcher. i'm not like a salesman, like, "hey," you know? it's weird. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. i do that. >> you are a salesman? >> jimmy: yeah. i sell things all the time. >> oh. [ light laughter ] okay, well -- >> jimmy: that's part of my job. >> anyway, i guess i wasn't really doing a good job for a a little while because, you know, my creative partner and manager, she said to me, before i went onset one day, she was like, "i'm going to need you to step it up. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: woah. >> "i'm going to need you to drop, like, 15 grammys on them." >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> "i'm going to need you to talk about why you're the only woman on there that's a a producer and a writer and an artist. i need you -- " >> jimmy: yeah. >> " -- to step it up." i was like, "okay." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did. and you stepped it up. how do you have time to -- yeah. [ cheers and applause ] you did. and that's why you're so great. this album, you took over times square. look at this photo. this is amazing. >> oh my -- oh. >> jimmy: that's real. that looks fake. [ cheers and applause ] that looks fake. that's unbelievable. >> i was in a dream. i grew up -- i was born and raised in new york city. this was a dream. >> jimmy: yeah. >> a literal dream. >> jimmy: that's crazy, right? >> i can't even believe that picture exists. seriously. >> jimmy: that's so cool. >> it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: tell me about the album. what do fans have to look forward to? >> oh, you're gonna -- i just feel so connected to music, so connected to myself, so connected to the message. i feel so -- i feel like this is the best album i've ever written yet. and i feel like this is, you know, but this is really me meeting myself and the world, us, this is us meeting here right now, and that's why i called it "here." but for sure, this is the album i always dreamed to do, but i didn't exactly know how to execute it. it's raw. it is urgent. it's a love letter to new york city. it's honest. it's vulnerable. it's things that everybody can understand. it is so, so, so powerful. i cannot wait for you to go there and be here on saturday. >> jimmy: yeah. "blended family" is what you're doing tonight. >> yes. >> jimmy: and that is based on your family. >> "blended family" is a a beautiful -- i think that's another awesome thing about the album. it really topically talks about things that i don't think we don't get a lot of -- you don't hear that much or we don't get a chance to explore that much. so "blended family" really explores what the modern day family is, and what does it look like. and there is no traditional family, you know? a blended family can be two moms with their kids. a blended family can be two different people from two different religious backgrounds getting together. a blended family can be an asian mom and a black dad. it can be like my family where my husband has children from other relationships and now we are all one family unit, you know, just loving, uplifting each other, and it can be anything that is surrounded with love. so, that's what "blended family" is about. it's not often talked about, but we're all blended families, so it's -- it's dope. >> jimmy: and you're going to play that for us tonight, and i can say, because i'm sitting next to you, i feel the love. >> can you? >> jimmy: i can feel -- ♪ i can feel the love right here ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ "here" is available on itunes ♪ alicia keys, everyone. she's going to perform her new single, "blended family," featuring young m.a. for us when we come back. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ hey, is this our turn? honey...our turn? yeah, we go left right here. (woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback. 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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ growing up i had a little sister, older brother and to us a father figure was a single mother ♪ ♪ my daddy was locked up my mother was knocked up ♪ ♪ and every now and then my brother father would pop up ♪ ♪ but i consider him dad cause he would get me basically anything that i asked ♪ ♪ fresh kicks for the summer i would crease em and scuff em ♪ ♪ new coat for the winter with a new pair of butters ooh ♪ ♪ treated me like i was his a single mother no daddy that's just how we live ♪ ♪ we didn't understand cause we was only kids blended families at times that's just what it is ♪ ♪ that's just what it is hey i might not really be your mother ♪ ♪ but that don't mean that i don't really love ya and even though i married your father ♪ ♪ that's not the only reason i'm here for ya i think you're beautiful i think you're perfect ♪ ♪ i know how hard it gets but i swear it's worth it worth it ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ there ain't nothing there ain't nothing there ain't nothing i won't do for us ♪ ♪ for love it may not be easy this blended family but baby ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ love yeah, yeah for love ♪ ♪ i know it started with a little drama i hate you had to read it in the paper ♪ ♪ but everything's alright with me and your momma ♪ ♪ baby everybody here you know adores ya ♪ ♪ and i think it's beautiful i think it's perfect i know how hard it gets ♪ ♪ but i swear it's worth it worth it that's what you do what you do ♪ ♪ what you do what you do for love there ain't nothing there ain't nothing ♪ ♪ there ain't nothing i won't do for us for love ♪ ♪ it may not be easy this blended family but baby ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ yeah love you do it all for love ♪ ♪ are you this real my true love cause you're my baby rejoice daily ♪ ♪ i believe love could bring us closer than blood ♪ ♪ are you this real my true love cause you're my baby rejoice daily ♪ ♪ i believe love could bring us closer than blood ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ there ain't nothing there ain't nothing there ain't nothing i won't do for us ♪ ♪ for love it may not be easy this blended family but baby ♪ ♪ that's what you do what you do what you do what you do for love ♪ ♪ love that's what you do for love ♪ ♪ for the love of the babies for love we're a blended family for love ♪ ♪ and it's alright for love said it's alright ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: alicia keys! young m.a.! "here" is out today. we'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ she ate like a pig. trump has said and done... you can do anything. i moved on her like a [bleep] ...trump's just so disgusting and degrading. it just seems like he's invaded our lives. and he's the republican nominee for president. and republican brian fitzpatrick supported trump. look, we just can't vote for fitzpatrick or trump. house majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. at a neighborhoods a restaurafavorite - a place for a good, family meal. she juggled customers, cooks, waitresses - and never complained. my dad was a police officer walking his beat. i learned from both what it means to be honest, to work hard, and love family. big banks, wall street, special interests - that's who pat toomey's with. in the senate, i'll work for you and your family. i'm katie mcginty, and i approve this message. pwhen i come home and dinner'sry not ready i go through the roof. grab 'em by the p*á*á". when you're a star, they let you do it. you can do anything. more accusers coming forward to say they were sexually assaulted by donald trump. i'll go backstage before a show... yes.. and everyone's getting dressed. donald trump walked into the dressing room while contestants, some as young as 15 were changing. standing there with no clothes. you see these incredible looking women. i'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers. she ate like a pig. a person who's flat-chested is very hard to be a 10. do you treat women with respect? uh... i can't say that either. alright, good. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to dana carvey, alicia keys, young m.a.! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania. there's the roots. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you so much for watching. have a great weekend. hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- joel edgerton. star of "westworld," actress evan rachel wood. host and author ina garten. featuring the 8g band with allison miller. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. first lady michelle obama campaigned with hillary clinton today. hillary, are you sure that's a good idea? that's like simon trying to get garfunkle elected because when

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