Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170623

Well protect you and your staff from all types of investigations including treason. Illegal arms sales. Anything that ends in gate. And killing mufasa. I heard he slipped. So if youre a world leader, call us today. The only thing youll be found guilty of is a great decision. We accept bitcoin, gold bouillon, and blood diamonds. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes kevin spacey. Terry crews. And rob huebel. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo hey hey youre sparkly. Audience Stephen Stephen stephen hey, everybody, please, have a seat. Youre too kind. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause uh, donald thanks so much. Donald trump may be out of the country, but he is still the toast of washington. Or whatever reason hes that color. I think its toasting. laughter today just today, this morning . The Trump Administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled, a new foundation for american greatness, which is just a slightly grandiose for a financial document. Its like calling your grocery list a bold vision for yogurt and dog food. laughter now not a lot on that list. There wasnt a lot on that list. Now, uh, that foundation of americas greatness . What hes building that on . It turns out hes building that foundation out of the groundup bones of poor people, because this budget cuts things like the food stamp program, snap, and the Childrens Health insurance program, chip. So hes cutting snap and chip, to which americas children replied stop and help. laughter i know this is an unpopular position these days, but i believe children should go to the doctor and eat. laughter cheers and applause where do i find the courage . Where do i find the courage . Not in the white house. And the whole thing is particularly cruel to one Minority Group trumps voters. Because the president s budget hits his own voters the hardest, taking aim at the social safety net on which many of them rely. Its all there on trumps new hat, make the poor live on squirrel meat again. laughter meanwhile, budget director and newly appointed chairman of the lollipop guild, Mike Mulvaney told reporters, we are no longer going to measure compassion by the number of programs or the number of people on those programs. We are going to measure compassion by the number of people we help get off of those programs. Yes, its like the old saying, give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Take away his fish, weve got all the fish woohoo fish party cheers and applause now woohoo cheers and applause mick . Mike or mick . Mick mulvaney . Something like that. This budget is filled with brutal, senseless cuts to medical research, like 14 billion in cuts from health and human services, including an unbelievable cut of 19 from the National Cancer institutes budget. Now look audience boo stephen no, no, listen, listen, trump said wed be sick of winning, and he is ready to deliver on the first half of that sentence. laughter now, the budget also calls for major cuts to the centers for disease control. So whenever that thing inside steve bannon bursts out and goes airborne, we will not be prepared to handle it. cheers and applause ah, speaking of things that keep spreading, the russia investigation is only getting worse for the president. Last night, we found out that back in march, after james comey testified before congress that there was an investigation into collusion between the russians and the trump team, trump asked the director of National Intelligence and the head of the n. S. A. To publicly deny evidence of russia collusion. Fellas, you know that thing im totally innocent of . Could you crush that before it gets out . laughter just like comey, the intelligence directors trump talked to refused to help. So why did trump ask them . According to one Senior Intelligence official, trumps goal was to muddy the waters. Okay, let me get this straight. It goes drain the swamp, then muddy the waters. laughter muddy the waters, by the way cheers and applause muddy the waters, also, his environmental policy. laughter and earlier today, the House Intelligence Committee heard testimony from former c. I. A. Director and man asking if youve taken the picture yet, john brennan. laughter and and lovely, lovely picture. True to pretty much all the testimony about russia, brennan said something completely shocking, in the most boring way possible. I encountered and am aware of information and intelligence that revealed contacts and interactions between russian officials and u. S. Persons involved in the Trump Campaign that i was concerned about because of known russian efforts to suborn such individuals. And, it raised questions in my mind, again, whether or not the russians were able to gain the cooperation of those individuals. laughter cheers and applause stephen im awake im awake put me in, coach. Okay, that might have been boring, but what he just said is super important. Okay . Basically, hes saying, he knows that russia tried to recruit members of the Trump Campaign. Hes not sure if they did. Thats like saying, we know the mob tried to cut your brake cables. We just dont know if they succeeded. Here are the keys. Have a great drive. cheers and applause its full of gas mean while, meanwhile, across the pond, overseas, Donald Trumps magical misery tour continues. laughter after leaving israel, today, he got to rome . Today, President Trump arrived in rome. Hes so excited to finally meet jude law. Should be a good meeting. laughter you look much older in person. Youve got to moisturize. Now, rome is the third leg of trumps tour of some of the worlds major holy sites. And if i did not know any better, i would say that trump is really trying to get in touch with god, here. You got that right, stephen. Stephen oh, its god, everybody say hello to the lord. cheers and applause hey, hello, everybody. Whats up . Stephen thank you for being here, god. Well, technically, im everywhere, stephen. Im here, at every church, on a tortilla in guadalajara. Oh, no, wait. They didnt see me, and now they ate me. Dont know what they missed. Stephen well, lord, how do you feel about trump going to all these holy sites around the world . I dont know. You pray with three major religions in one week . Seems a little needy. Come on, buy a god a drink first. laughter stephen well, the president was praying to you at the western wall in jerusalem yesterday. Can you tell us what he prayed for . Oh, sorry, stephen. Unlike some people, i dont give away topsecret information from israel. laughter cheers and applause not this time. Mums the word. Stephen still, lord, youre getting a lot of attention this week. It must feel pretty special. Oh, not at all, stephen. This whole thing is just a distraction from the russia scandal. I mean, trump even asked me if i could get james comey to stop the f. B. I. Investigation. laughter stephen really, wow. So are you going to . No no, no, even if i wanted to help, i cant. You know separation of church and state. Plus, i really want to see that pee tape. laughter come on. Everybody knows its real. Stephen so dont know. Well, i do. laughter stephen so, is there any way trump can win you over . Well, at this point, hes got to go big you know, get swallowed by a whale, build me an ark, sacrifice one of his children oh, and a good one, too. Not eric. cheers and applause stephen nice talking to you. You too stephen nice talking to you, god. Now, if its okay with you, im going to go back to my show now if thats cool. You do you, stephen. Ill just be up here playing with my fidget spinner. laughter this thing helped me quit smoking. Stephen god, everybody weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause kevin spacey is here. But when we come back, ill be right here. Stick around. Liz assumed all dressingsrust were made equal. Assume nothing. Just like the leading brands, these kraft dressings are made with high quality ingredients, at a price you can feel good about. No wonder kraft is so good. We, the device loving people want more than just unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. So we can stream unlimited action. Watch unlimited robots. Watch unlimited romance. If you are into that. But we also want more like. Unlimited hbo. Can i stop dying now mark . No cant do mi amigo. Its unlimited. Besides you are really good at it james. Dont settle for any unlimited data plan. 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Jon batiste and stay human. Say hello the band right over there cheers and applause jon hey stephen welcome back, my friend. Now, folks, before we go any further, i just want to take a brief moment right now to talk about the horrific attack in manchester last night. After tragic events like this, there is really nothing you can say that can approach the shock and grief of the victims and their families. But last night, our friend james corden spoke movingly and beautifully about that city that he knows and the spirit and the people he knows in manchester, and i recommend you go online to hear what he had to say. And all we can add here is that following acts of senseless violence, like this, its all the more important not to be controlled by fear, but instead to be reminded by the action of the people of manchester who rushed to the aid of their friends and strangers alike. It is just more proof that evil cannot succeed, as long as good people are willing to love each other. And lets all try our best to do that. cheers and applause now im going to go over there and do a couple more jokes. Come on, lets do it. cheers and applause now, i dont know if youve noticed, but while hes been overseas, the president has not been tweeting as much. I assume its because hes too cheap to pay for data roaming. laughter but it might also be because last week, trump aides staged a twitter intervention. What . You cant take twitter away from trump thats like taking the nudity away from game of thrones its the reason why we watch the show cheers and applause now, this twittervention was arranged because aides have been concerned about the president s use of twitter to push inflammatory claims. Yes, i mean, theres a lot of reason to be concerned. History has shown that if he keeps saying all this crazy stuff, i mean, he could win another president ial election. laughter and audience boo stephen keep smiling. laughter and theres urgency because trumps staff fears they may soon lose their jobs. As one source put it, the president goes through moods where sometimes he wants to blow everything up. Um, excuse me. If he goes through moods where he wants to blow everything up, maybe its not twitter you should be taking away from him. Now, apparently cheers and applause now, apparently, this intervention included white house staff only, but there are plenty of us who have been deeply affected by President Trumps tweets. So, i just want to take a second to speak to President Trump personally. I wrote this letter as part of the intervention, sir. laughter dear President Trump, your tweeting has affected me in the following ways my ratings are up. cheers and applause cheers and applause but, President Trump, some nights, half my monologue is just about things youve tweeted. Youre squeezing out other fun news stories. Did you know that San Francisco is opening a rat cafe . They are. Thats real. laughter you took that away from me. laughter we want you to accept help. Or at the very least, autocorrect. laughter how many ways can you misspell independent council . So please give up this harmful addiction and find another coping mechanism. Have you tried drinking . Because thats what ive been doing, and its going pretty great. Well be right back with kevin spacey. cheers and applause does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. 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Unfortunately, he went on to have progressive disease i thought that he would be a good candidate for immune therapy. Its an intravenous medicine that is going to make his immune system evade the tumor. With chemotherapy, i felt rough, fatigue, nauseous. And with immune therapy weve had such a positive result. Im back to working hard. Ive honestly never felt this great. I believe the future of immunotherapy at ctca is very bright. The evolution of cancer care is here. Learn more at cancercenter. Com Appointments Available now. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, my first guest tonight is a tony and Academy Award winner who is about to return as the infamous Frank Underwood on house of cards. cheers and applause how much more proof do you people need . cheers and applause i demand that every member of this house take a stand, like f. D. R. Before, and wilson before him. I demand that this congress declare a formal declaration of war, against them, both here and abroad the house will adjourn. The president will cease. I will not cease i will never cease stephen please welcome kevin spacey. cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause oh stephen look at that. Im afraid thats all we have time for. Oh, thank you so much. Good night. Stephen i love a guest who takes his time on the cross, saying hi to the band. Respect, youve got to. Good evening. Stephen good evening to you. Nice to see you. Stephen welcome back. Its been a while. Stephen its been over a year. Is this for me . Stephen it is yours. Lets find out. laughter thats the good stuff. Thats the good stuff. Stephen thats the good stuff. Yeah. Stephen so its been over a year since you were here. That is correct. Stephen and the last time you were here, a bit of a different world or at least different leadership, last time you were here. Yes, yes. Stephen is it is it odd to do a show like house of cards that does not seem as crazy as reality anymore . laughter is that a challenge in any way to you . cheers and applause well as Christopher Walken might say, its crazy. laughter stephen thats one of the things one of the things about house of cards is that you guys, for season after season, people would go how did you know the world was going to be the way it is . You know, like, you guys are sort of predictive. Well, its interesting that every season and i would say particularly this season we have you know, we come together. We do our bible of what were going to do in the whole season. We start writing. We write the episodes. We shoot the episodes. And then at some point between when weve shot the season and before it drops, three or four or five things that we have dealt with on the show happen in the real world. And we go, okay. Everyones going to assume we stole it from the headlines. But in fact, we did it first. laughter and i think actually whats been interesting this year sort of watching a lot of commentary. People have been saying house of cards is going to be boring this year. How can they compete with reality . laughter i have to say, in all honesty, i think weve never been more relevant. cheers and applause stephen the first time you were here, the first time you were here, i asked you like, you know, when Frank Underwood does his asides into the camera, is there anyone hes actually talking to. You said it was i think i said as a joke that it was donald trump. laughter stephen that was a long time before he was seriously considered a guy who could be president of the united states. What has become clear since then is, of course, hes just not listening at all. laughter stephen i think trump could use a little Frank Underwood. A little planning would be comforting. Because he seems a little seat of the pants all the time. I would simply say this i do believe we have better writers. cheers and applause stephen improv. I think hes doing i think hes improvising. A little bit. Stephen yeah. Its like jazz its the governance you dont do. laughter very interesting. Um, he yeah, no, its been i have to say, you know, its been very entertaining. Stephen yeah, it sure has. Yeah. Stephen it sure has. Exhaustingly so. No, no, im just talking about you coming out here every night and talking about it. Thats been very entertaining. Stephen oh, thats been very entertaining for me, too. cheers and applause thats been medicinal. Thats better than a cocktail. Now, youve acted on some of the greatest stages in the world here and abroad. But i understand youre taking on an enormous new stage right here in new york over in flushing meadows. Yes, where they normally do the u. S. Open, which is arthur ashe stadium, i have decided to do a oneman play that i did in london a couple years back about a great, legendary american attorney named Clarence Darrow. cheers and applause stephen sure. For those for those in the demographic who dont know who Clarence Darrow is . Stephen yes. You do actually know who he is because he is the basis of the great film inherit the wind which is about the great scopes monkey trial about the teaching of evolution in a science class in tennessee that Spencer Tracy made into a great film. Orson welles played Clarence Darrow in compulsion which is the movie about the leopold and loeb case. But he was one of the most extraordinary voices i think in american history. In fact, he had a lot to do with the way we live our lives now. He was a remarkable labor attorney. He, in fact, is the reason that we have an eighthour day for american workers, Clarence Darrow. cheers and applause he was also an extraordinary civil rights attorney. And he took on cases that no one else would take on. And then later in his career he was an incredible criminal defense attorney. And so im doing this oneman show about his entire life. And i just think that his voice right now in the place that were at, he was a reasonable, very, very funny there was a lot of audience participation were not selling out the whole stadium, by the way. Its going to be quite intimate. Well probably play in front of 5,000 or so people. And one of the things im most excited about stephen 5,000. About 5,00, yeah. I played at the epiduris. Stephen whats the epiduris . A skin disease. What is that . Yes, but because of the budget, you cant fix it. laughter applause stephen so whats the epiduris . Epiduris is the incredible ancient Greek Theater in greece, in athens. Stephen like an original theater. And i went out, i did richard iii there and i played in front of 14,000 people. Stephen wow. How do you how do you like, how do you gauge the level, the size of your performance. Like, youre doing richard iii in front of 14,000 people. Whats the difference for example, lets say we were doing it here on television. Can i have a close up, please . A little closer than that. laughter a little closer than that. So i could literally say this now is the winter of our discontent. I could say it just like that. But in a place like the epiduris pull the camera back now, way back, way back. shouting now is the winter of our discontent cheers and applause stephen i like that one. Thats like a cup of coffee. Thats like a cup of coffee. So, um let me tell you the most exciting thing about arthur ashe and doing darrow there. Is that were not using the whole center court. Were putting a stage there but were bringing in 600 additional seats, of which 300 of those seats will be seats for young people. And i want to announce tonight applause stephen announcement, a special announcement. I want to announce tonight that in addition to the 300 seats that were offering to young people, the 18 to 25year olds are for free. And im offering tonight an additional 100 of those seats, and if you go to www. Kevinspacyfoundation. Com, you can sign up for our lottery for those tickets. Stephen wow. cheers and applause well put that right up there. That will be great. Wow. Wow. Speaking of young people, did you live in new york when you were first an actor . Yes. I started i started my career after i went to juilliard, i know most of the band went to juilliard. Stephen you guys went at the same time, right . You guys went to juilliard laughter but of course, at that time he was in the dance division, strangely enough. Jon yeah. Stephen how did you, when you were a young actor in new york, how did you make your way in the world . Because i was a young actor in chicago, which was hard enough. But new york is an expensive place. I had a whole number of, you know i was a hat check guy at a restaurant. A hat check guy. Back when people had hats. Back when people had hats. And i actually took yul brenners hat one night and put it right there. Stephen what . He needs it. And i worked in an office. I also worked at the public theater, in the basement. And one of the things i did in order to reduce the rent at an apartment that i had was i was the super of the building. Stephen so you were there and you i changed the light bulbs, i did it all in order to have a reduced rent. Stephen did you know what you were doing . Did you have any skill when it came to supering . I would say its a little bit like you i learned on the job. cheers and applause stephen thank you very much. Yes. Both just going out every night and cleaning up peoples bleep . Exactly. Stephen well, the tonys are on june 11. Thats correct. Stephen and you are hosting this year, congratulations. I am hosting the tonys. Thank you very much. Im very excited. cheers and applause and im not wrong, you are hosting the emmys a little later in the year. Stephen yeah, im doing it in september. cheers and applause so we are we are truly the hosts with the mosts. Stephen thats right. Arent we . Stephen yeah. Have you seen everything this year . I havent. Im starting to go and see everything. Ill try to catch up over the next two weeks and see everything. Stephen have you seen dear evan hansen . I have. Stephen i cried like a child. I know the actor was here last night. Its a wonderful show. I actually saw it off broadway. Im going to try to see it again now on broadway. So, yeah, im going to try and see everything. Because were going to have some fun on tony night. Now does that mean youre going to see every Television Show . Stephen yes. If im going to see all the broadway shows stephen im going to see every Television Show, every single one. Theres only one you really need to see, actually. cheers and applause stephen that would be house of cards on netflix next tuesday. And the tony awards june 11 on cbs. Kevin spacey, everybody. Well be right back with terry crews. Stick around. Rumor confirmed. Theyre playing. What . We gotta go. Where . San francisco. When . Friday. We gotta go. [ tires screech ] any airline. Any hotel. Any time. Go where you want, when you want with no blackout dates. [ muffled music coming from club. Blue monday by new order. Cheers. ] how does it feel the travel rewards credit card from bank of america. Its travel, better connected. The travel rewards credit card from bank of america. [crunch] yeah [crunch] hahahaha honoo, honoo, honoo flame, flame, flame [crunch] [growl] [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch] mone hundredts thousand times a day, sending oxygen to my muscles. Again so i can lift even the most demanding weight. Take care of all your most important parts with centrum. Now verified non gmo and gluten free. Chrit can happen to anyone. S a help is within reach. All you need to do is ask. Vanessa i was a fullblown heroin addict, selling my soul to get high. But i got help, and you can too. James i just know i didnt want to feel that pain anymore. I got help. You can too. Aj most people think addicts are beyond help. When i see an addict, i see hope. Chris christie dont suffer. Dont wait. Call 844 reach nj or visit reachnj. Gov. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is an actor and former n. F. L. Player who you know from brooklyn ninenine, please welcome, terry crews cheers and applause whats up, everybody cheers and applause what . What . Wooo stephen i like that. I like that. I like the little pecs. Man, its hot in here cheers and applause exciting you know i gotta do this. Stephen i know you gotta do that . Its cbs. We might have to blur it, though. Its a family show. How long has it been since you played ball . Oh, my god, almost 20 years. Stephen 20 years i retired in 1997. Stephen okay. Now, i think of you as a great comic actor. But you started off as an athlete. How do you stay in shape . What is the thing do you . What is your regimen . I have never stopped working out. Its kind of weird. Two hours, pretty much, a day. Stephen two hours a day i do. I get up, if i know i have to go to work at, like, 7 00, ill get up at 4 00 and do my thing. I have to have it, though. I have all this energy. You can tell. Cant you tell . Stephen yes, i can tell. The energy is here. I have to burn it this is after the workout. Okay . So before, you have to imagine. But i have five different gym memberships, everywhere. Stephen wow. Just so just in case i can get a workout in. One is a 24hour membership. The other one is for on set. I got one for a nice gym. I got one when i want to get down and dirty. Its like, styled to my day. Stephen is this all just workout or is this whole lifestyle . Like, is it food, is it supplements, what are you taking . Food you know one thing. I do this intermittent fasting thing. I only eat from an eighthour period, from 2 00 p. M. To 10 p. M. , and then im done. And then its like a 16hour fast. Stephen thats a long meal, though, 2 00 to 10 00. Oh, no, yeah, right i dont stop eating during that whole period. But the thing is, its important to get the stuff out. Stephen you dont do breakfast . I dont do breakfast at all and i work out fasting. Its kind of wild. But im 49. Stephen do you drink coffee or anything like that . Coffee and tea and an amino acid drink, that kind of thing to keep the blood flowing. But, my thing is, being 49 i grew up in the gym so all those guys are like, you gotta eat 17 meals a day and i realize that you just get you keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And i decided, let me just reverse this thing. And it works for me. Ive been doing it for five years. Stephen just maintain. Its amazing how does it look . cheers and applause i like fishing for compliments. Stephen now, is your family as motivated as you are . Because youre a living embodiment of getting it done every day. How does your family feel about this level of energy all the time . I am a motivation machine, okay . But my family is really sick of it. Theyre really tired of it. laughter you know, i found this great quote the other day, it was from michelangelo, and he was like, please god help me to desire more than i can accomplish. And i was like, thats my new saying and i went around saying this stuff. My wifes like why dont you desire to get your sweaty clothes off the floor. Okay . My wife is done. Shes like so tired of it. Im like, honey, its a new day its all yours. You can take it. Shes like, im going to take this nap. Will you please get away from me. laughter and i understand it. I understand. Stephen okay, so you, obviously, two hours a day working out. Obviously, youve got brooklyn ninenine. Youre doing a lot of different projects. But this new thing that youre doing here yes stephen is youre designing furniture. Exactly. laughter stephen now, that is not the first thing i would think of it goes hand in hand stephen why does it well, heres an example. This is a combo its a nice little seat combocoffee table right there, with some orchids right there. Yes stephen and i will show you the lifestyle in action right there. Thats right, baby stephen this is the life you can have. laughter id buy that. I would buy this lifestyle. But i grew up an artist. I was an artist i saw no difference between being an athlete and an artist. I would have a painting in the showcase at high school on my way to football practice. And it was so funny because id go to practice and then id go to the classes and the little girls are wearing black and theyre so sad and im like, hey, yall. How you all doing . Lets paint the hell out of this thing right now thats how i did it. Stephen nothing wrong with that. You dont have to be a tortured artist. You can be a happy one. Exactly. Stephen well, okay, but now there are a lot of people who have gotten into the Furniture Design business, i found out here. Kathy ireland has furniture. Ellen has furniture. Lebron james has furniture. Uhhuh, uhhuh. Stephen why should i buy your couch and not lebrons . Because theirs is ugly. laughter stephen lebrons is ugly . All of theirs is ugly. Mine, i have structural im serious, i have sculpture that you can use and you can sit on. Stephen sculpture . Sculpture. My thing is sculpture. Theirs is ugly, man. Just being real with you. Im sorry, i love you all. Theyre going to hate me. Stephen i assume youve had to go to, like, Furniture Design conventions, stuff like that to sell your stuff, high point or Something Like that. You know, i literally am here right now with i. C. F. F. , its in town right now. And im going to neocon in chicago. Stephen those are all Furniture Design ive been to the big milan furniture fair. Let me tell you, once you get into it, you are so hooked. Once you get into the design world stephen have designers been open to terry crews . Well, some of them. And i had another guy come by and he looked at my whole installation and he was like, wow, this is great man. This is good. You know what im going to start a tv show. And i said, really . Maybe i can help you. And he said, no, im not. Im never doing that. And i was like, oh. Oh im in your i get it. Im in your world. Stephen hes scared of you now. Hes scared of you now. Were going to have a cage match and figure out who the best designer in the world is. Thats what we going to do. Stephen you could break a chair over him. laughter well, good luck. Thank you. Stephen good luck with the working out and the lifestyle and the energy. cheers and applause thanks for being here. 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Welcome back to the late show already in progress. Folks, you know my next guest from the league and transparent. Hes now starring in the new baywatch movie. Did you pull brodie off the beach to break into the medical Examiners Office earlier today . Yeah, you bet i did. The councilmans boating accident was no accident at all, and our investigation led us back to huntly. You dont do investigations. Youre life guards. Police do investigations. When you do it, its just a bunch of guys investigating another bunch of guys no offense, youre included in that. None taken. Leave Law Enforcement to the police, and you guys just do the jobs that i hired you to do. You remember . The life guarding stuff. Splish splash. Stephen please welcome rob huebel cheers and applause stephen please. Now, nice to see you again. Thats a crowd. Thats a serious crowd. Stephen it is a serious crowd. cheers and applause thats a serious pander. Well done. Really well done. Heres the thing. Nice to see you again. People probably dont know this about you and i, but we used to have offices next to each other at the daily show. Thats right, yeah. Stephen it was me and steve carell in one office. And then you were in the Office Next Door to me. And who was your office mate . Steve carells wife. Stephen nancy. Yes. Whose name is not Steve Carells wife. Stephen its nancy walls. If you worked with your wife wouldnt it seem you would be in the office with your wife . Like, it was crazy. Stephen no, no, you have to have some separation. It was nancy and i over here and then all we heard was you guys next door just cutting up all the time, like hahaha were like, typing on our computers. laughter stephen i remember a fair amount of the writing staff being mad at me and steve because we laughed a lot. Yeah. There is a lot of, like, really overthetop laughter. Like, just going crazy. But, you know stephen we were just faking to make you crazy. It was really stephen heres the thing. When i found out you were coming on the show, i said, oh, yeah, he used to be a correspondent on the daily show. And they said he was a producer. And i said, pretty sure that guy was a comedian, i dont think hed be a producer. That was when i was just starting out. And ill be honest, i was a very mediocre producer. Stephen did you ever get in trouble as a producer . Because producers have to go do things like the talent goes and hides in the car while the producer sets up the situation that the talent goes into. Were like the strike force, and the producer is grinding it out. I like that analogy, were like a strike force. Stephen yeah, we are. A comedy strike force. You softened up the beach. You ever get in trouble . Ive gotten in trouble a few times. One of the first jobs i ever did was on a prank show for vh1. And so they had this idea that we would do this prank hilarious where i would take a Michael Jackson impersonator this is before Michael Jackson passed away, obviously and we were i was going to try to sneak him in to Yankee Stadium so that Michael Jackson could throw out the first pitch before a baseball game, right . Great idea stephen so you say, i have michael here. He just stopped by to throw out the first pitch. So i had to and the producers of the prank show are like, its going to be hilarious. Youre never going to get in the stadium. Youll argue with some security guards and theyll throw you out. Were wearing those hidden camera glasses, you know, and its really obvious im filming, filming, filming. And so but they didnt take into account that im pretty good at lying. Like, im pretty good. And so we went into the front office of Yankee Stadium. And i just laid down all this b. S. , that i was with Michael Jackson. And they were like, lets do it. laughter next thing you know stephen its you and michael with the glasses and the glove and the sparkly jacket. No, not even a black person. Hes, like, a german guy laughter applause with wearing the surgical mask just like it was it was so illconceived. laughter next thing you know, were in the dugout. Im sitting sitting next to derek jeter and, like, joe torre. Theyre like, yo, Michael Jackson laughter and we were like. So, right before we are about to throw out the first pitch, like, security started getting suspicious. And so, they brought us out of the dugout, and they separated us. And they started grilling us. And this other person that was with us, this other producer, started crying. Stephen aww. Dont ever cry under questioning. We went to jail. laughter stephen you went to jail, like cuffs, like jail . I went to jail in the bronx on a friday night. If you go to jail in the bronx friday night, you dont get out till monday morning. So stephen were you in the same cell as Michael Jackson . Yes, they called us yes. It was me, Michael Jackson, and three other people. So they called us the jackson five. laughter applause stephen thats the best producer story ive ever heard. Yeah, i am permanently banned from Yankee Stadium. I have a thing that says, you may not ever go back in Yankee Stadium. But ive been back already cheers and applause stephen good for you. Now, youre in the baywatch thing. Are you are you, like, one of the guys who takes off his shirt and all jacked up that kind of stuff . Well, heres the thing i wanted to. They wouldnt let me. Stephen youre a fit guy. Im not very fit. Thank you for saying that, but under this suit, just pasty, gross flab. laughter and then i offered i started emailing the director pictures of myself in a speedo. And he was like, please stop, stop. Stop doing that. Stephen for the sequel, maybe for the sequel. Maybe, maybe. Stephen lovely to see you again, man. So fun to be here. Thank you for having me. Stephen congratulations. cheers and applause baywatch opens this thursday. Rob huebel, everybody, he went to jail cheers and applause well be right back. And still have dry eye symptoms . Ready for some relief . Xiidra is the first and only eye drop approved for both the signs and symptoms of dry eye. One drop in each eye, twice a day. Common side effects include eye irritation, discomfort or blurred vision when applied to the eye, and unusual taste sensation. Dont touch container tip to your eye or any surface. Remove contacts before using xiidra and wait at least 15 minutes before reinserting. Chat with your eye doctor about xiidra. Stephen hey good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from