- hi.@ hello, boss. - hello, harry. i was just going to mail this letter but you can save me the trouble. - oh, sure, whatcha doing? - oh, nothing important, just doing a rewrite on next week's script. - nothing important? i just wish that all the people who say you have no talent could see the work you do on the show. gosh. - who says i've got no talent? - the people that see you on the television. (laughter) i mean they wouldn't know the work that you put in to the preparation of the show. -yeah, harry, the letter i just gave you-- - well don't worry about the letter, i'll mail it. but the thing is, you oughtta realize george, the people have no, well for instance, hiring the writers. hiring the actors. and the announcer for next season. - i was-- - yes, i was waiting-- - although my option isn't due for 10 more days. - yeah, i was waiting for-- - but you're too sharp of a businessman, you're not gonna want to lose a good announcer. - no, no no, am i in danger of losing a good announcer? - well, i've had some pretty good offers you know, but of course you know george, i'm loyal to you. - i know you're loyal but who made you the offer? - yeah. (laughter) - who? - now stop yodeling and tell me who. - uh, well, like i say, i'm so loyal to you george, i don't even answer my phone to listen to them. (laughter) - i let von zell worry a little bit because he does it so well. i'd never think of hiring anybody else. harry is a fine actor, a fine comedian, a great announcer, a very good friend, and he works cheap. (laughter) believe me, he means as much to this show as i do. that's why i pay him so little. (laughter) but how about that corny trick of telling me that he got all these other offers? in vaudeville i tried the same thing, there was a mr. eddie darling who booked the key fitters. i sent him a wire saying, zigfield wants me to sing in his show and he wants to pay me 350 dollars a week, can you meet his offer? he wired back saying no, but i'd like to meet his psychiatrist. (laughter) i didn't give up. on mr. darling's birthday i sent him a singing telegram which was a big mistake, the messenger boy sang better than i did and he hired him. (laughter) and do you know that nelson eddy has always appreciated the start i gave him? but every year around option time, von zell gives me that flattery routine, and i'm not easy to flatter because all the nice things people say about me are true. (laughter) last year's was a beauty. he came up to me and he looked right into my face and he said "ronnie, i think your dad is a swell fella "and what do you think i oughtta get him for his birthday?" and i said, "mr. von zell, if i were you, "i'd save my money because you're not working (laughter) i mean everybody has contract trouble, like this old contortionist i know, an agent sent for him and said look i'd like to use you for a full season if you're not too old. he said old, watch this, and he got up on a chair and rolled himself into a ball by tying his arms behind his back and tying his legs around his neck and the agent said, that's great here's the contract. and do you know the poor old fella couldn't untie himself to sign it? (laughter) but he's still in show business, they shoot him out of a cannon twice a day at asbury park. (laughter) it's not a bad job. he lives in jersey city, and he gets home twice a day without using the bus. (laughter) but the most important contract that i signed is when i first teamed up with gracie. things were going well and we were offered 20 weeks work and i showed gracie the contract and i said look everything is okay, it's fine just sign your name under mine. so she signed her name under mine. and for those 20 weeks, the act was called burns and undermine. (laughter) one of you forgot your makeup-- what's the matter? - please be quiet. the photographer has the shot lined up and he's very temperamental, and very famous. - oh, ooo, i see him. (laughter) have you got a flashlight? it's so dark in there, i can't see a thing. (laughter) you know, you look very familiar. - maybe that's because i've seen you on television. (laughter) - that must be it. - uh-huh. coffee break! (laughter) - mrs. burns, it's very nice to meet you, i've admired you for years. - well thank you. are you his assistant? - oh no, i'm ruth emerson, i work for the advertising agency. this picture's for one of our accounts. oh that bob collins is attractive, isn't he? and single. - no. you know being a career woman isn't all it's cracked up to be. you spend your evenings alone, nobody to talk to. i'd like a man around the house. - well, who wouldn't, but when you get married you settle for what you can get. (laughter) - i'm afraid i've been too choosy, that's probably why i'm still single. - i know just the man for you. he's kind, oh kind. and very anxious to get married. would you like to meet him? - oh i don't think so. - well now look, you be at my house at four o'clock. - well no, thank you very very much but i-- say would it be possible for me to see him first without him knowing i was looking him over? - of course. goodbye, girls! - [girls] goodbye, mrs. burns! - and thank you so very much for bringing my case to me. - oh, you're welcome. oh, and i've got good news for you. the next time you see your father, he may not be your mother anymore. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. hello. - oh! - what's wrong? - well your disposal's out of order. - it was fine this morning. - well i know, but somebody stuffed two pounds of steel wool in it. - gracie! gracie? - just a minute. now, he's in the kitchen. - oh, well i'd like to look my best, where can i powder my nose? - right at the head of the stairs, and i'll be right up. - alright, good. - that's miss emerson. - good, the plumber just told me that there are two pounds of steel wool in our disposal, how did it get there? - well, i've got to keep mr. jansen in the kitchen until miss emerson sees him. - why? - well, if she likes his looks, mr. jansen will end up with a new wife for his poor motherless daughters. (laughter) - if she likes jansen, he'll have a new wife for his motherless daugthers, and we'll end up with a new disposal for our motherless garbage. - yes. (laughter) but why is it that when you repeat my ideas they never seem to make sense? like yours does. it's like a seive. - oh, thank you. but your mind could be like one too if you listen and think like i do. (laughter) - well thank you, i'll try it. - of course mr. jansen doesn't know why she's here until she looks him over. - sort of a sneak preview. - well, she may be, she says she works for an advertising agency. - well that's a happy little combination, an advertising executive and plumber. - yes. well, i'll go up and help her, and until i get down here, try not to mess things up. (laughter) - i certainly will. this story needs more complications. (laughter) how can i mess it up? - george! george? - in here, harry. perfect mess. (laughter) - george, look now, i don't want to press you, you know but about my contract, see you've only got nine days and 17 hours left. - did you mail that letter i gave you? oh, i didn't but i will. i'll take care of the whole thing. - perfect. (laughter) okay, why don't you come in the kitchen, i'd like for you to do something for me. - do something? - sure. - anything! - okay. - anything at all! - good. - entrez vous, si vou plait! - okay, harry. - oh, hello mr. jansen. - oh, nice talking to ya! see mr. burns, i got all of the steel wool out, there seems to be some pebbles in there. - why don't you go down to the basement and turn off the water. - i will. the basement's under the house, isn't it? - it is, unless gracie moved it. (laughter) - oh, you rascal, you! - unless gracie moved it. - oh yes, i got a lot of that stuff. - say, boss, would you like me to get under the sink there and help him get those pebbles out? - harry, i'd love it. - nothing to it. (laughter) - boy, is he perfect. (laughter) - oh, thank you. does he know anything? - this one doesn't even suspect anything. (laughter) i'm mr. burns. - miss emerson. - no no, burns. - heh. (laughter) oh, pardon me. - oh, oh hello. - oh, you're harry von zell, aren't you? - yes, that's right. - oh for heaven's sakes i've admired you so many times on television. up to now in a professional capacity, of course. (laughter) oh, i'm ruth emerson, i'm an account executive for an advertising agency. - is that so, well how do you do? - how do you do? well what a pleasant surprise, i can see why mrs. burns said you'd be the right one. - well--mrs. burns recommended me? - oh very highly. - i didn't know i was available. (laughter) - she said you were, are you? - yes, yes i certainly am. and you're an executive with an advertising agency. - how do you do? (laughter) mr. von zell, i'm sure that after so many years the idea of making such a change might be a little, well, frightening. - no, no, no, as a matter of fact, i've been thinking of making this switch for years, but i just haven't had the right opportunity. (laughter) - oh, i'm sure that this is it. i know you're the right man. - thank you. believe me, i'll do everything i can to make good. so we'll shake on it? - i was expecting a kiss. (laugther) (harry stutters incoherently) - well i'm not used to dealing with women. - oh, you shy bachelor. you'll have to get used to this. (laughter) - oh well, this is gonna be fun. (laughter) how about that, all these years i wasted working for that george burns. (laughter) - he's the perfect anything. - oh, wonderful. now, supposing we have the wedding tomorrow, and we can have the wedding rehearsal here tonight. - well it's a little pointed, but it's alright with me. - aww. - oh, i just know we'll be happy, we have so much in common, i can help him with is work. - good. you could wear his coveralls. - isn't it exciting, how that woman fell in love with you? - i still can't believe it, i must have been under the sink when she saw me. - well she told me you were perfect. - all she could have seen was my legs. - well then you must have a beautifully matched pair. - my knees are a little knobby. - oh, well then i wouldn't show them to her until after the wedding. (laughter) (doorbell rings) - oh hello boss. - hi, harry. - i got your call, came right over, what is this about mr. jansen getting married? - yeah, and you're the best man. - no! oh, this must be my lucky day. oh, by the way george, you can forget about my contract, an account executive with a big advertising agency wants me. - oh, fine, come on in harry. - oh, sure. (laughter) (doorbell rings) - oh, that must be the bride! - well, congratulations mr. jansen. (laughter) - what um, what are you crying about? - thinking about weddings makes me sad. - they're not married yet. - i'm still thinking about mine. (laughter) - well, here she is! - hey, that's my--my new boss is marrying mr. jansen? - oh, that's hollywood for ya. (laughter) - well now miss emerson, before we start the rehearsal, how about a kiss for your future husband? - oh, gladly! - look, why is it-- (laughter) - miss emerson, i know you're a little nervous, but this is the lucky man. - i've never seen this man before. - yes you have, don't you recognize me? - ooo be careful, don't let her see the knobs. (laughter) - oh for goodness sake, mr. von zell is the man i'm going to marry, he proposed to me in the kitchen. (harry stutters incoherently) - oh sure you must have, or she wouldn't have said it. - now listen, i'd love to get married, really i would, but i can't! i'm not working. i have no job for next season. - did you mail the letter i gave you this morning? a letter, remember a big letter, square letter. - no i didn't, i've still got it. - well read it, it's for you, it's addressed to you. (laughter) - like i said, i'm not working. i have no job for next season. or the season after that, i'm just not working. and i can't--oh you! (laughter) - well, now that that's over, whatever it was, let's get on with the wedding rehearsal. join hands, you two. - uh... oh, i'm sure you're very nice, but-- - none of that. i understand, i'm not your type. but i'm going to keep trying, until i find a woman who likes plumbers. - the very best. like to see my license? - oh no, no, but i was just thinking, as long as you're a plumber, there seems to be a little something wrong with my shower. and i was wondering if you'd like to come over and see if you can fix it. - oh i would be glad to, glad to! - goodbye! - nice talking to ya! (laughter) - well gracie, we've come to the end of another normal day. - say blanche? - hmm? - how about you and i getting up very early tomorrow morning. - alright, but why? - well, for a change maybe we could think up something exciting to do. - oh, i'm sure we can. - and if it turns out funny, we'll do that show instead of the one we just did. (laughter) nice talking to ya. (moves into dramatic marching band music) - well, how did i do? - 12.1 is great. you beat me by three seconds. - it's still not fast enough. got to go faster if we want those lifeguard jobs. - yeah, i guess so. - ronnie, i got your camera out of the repair shop. - oh, thanks, mother. - hi, mrs. burns. - oh, hello, ralph. - gee, you know, this water is still cold. - well, no wonder, if you go in the pool dressed that way you're bound to freeze. you should wear something warm, well, like ralph here. now he's dressed sensibly for swimming. - yeah. - oh, what an interesting looking watch. - uh huh. (affirmative0 - it's not running. - no, no, it's a stopwatch. - you're telling me. - yeah, well i guess i better get it fixed. nah, i'm a guest. - oh, yeah, the man at the shop said it would be fine. i got you some film too. - oh, great! - good! - but they were all out of 16 millimeter so i got you two rolls of 8 instead. - oh, no, mother, that won't work, you see -- - no, mrs. burns, - oh, please, please, i've had enough trouble with the man at the shop. you know, he's no better at simple arithmetic than you boys are. - oh, no, mrs. burns. - wait, wait, wait, ralph, ralph, don't argue. see, the man at the shop and you and i made a big mistake. but i'm willing to admit that eight and eight is sixteen. - i'm being double-teamed. - why were you boys so anxious to get the camera fixed? - oh, to take to acapulco. see, ralph and i applied for jobs as lifeguards at the el matador hotel. - oh, wonderful. you know that's better than just lazing around. i think a boy should work during the summer even if he isn't doing anything. - yeah, well this isn't going to be work mrs. burns. this is going to be heaven. boy, strutting around that pool with all those beautiful senoritas just waiting to be rescued by us. - ron, i have a problem. suppose a beautiful redhead, and a beautiful blonde, and a crazy brunette all fall in the pool at the same time. which one do we rescue first? - well, i'll just jump in with them, and wait 'til someone rescues me. (laughing) - that's like one of your father's jokes. i never understand them, but when he laughs i know they're funny. - you know, the great thing about his job, mother, we're getting paid for it. we get room and board and 40 dollars a month. - you know, of course, ronnie, we're going to be paid in pesos. - you know, i think that's strange. if you're working in acapulco, why should you have to go to pesos to collect your salary. - mrs. burns, i meant mexican dollars. - oh, well, ronnie, don't worry. any day you run short, you can just walk up to your father and ask him for some. - dad's going to be there? he doesn't even know we were taking the job. - well, why should he? - well, we don't have the job yet, mrs. burns, but it's going to be a cinch. mr. velasco from the hotel is coming by about two o'clock to give us our lifeguard test. - yeah, that's why we've been practicing our swimming and diving. gee, i sure wish we had someone to practice our rescue technique. - well, how about your father? i'm sure he wouldn't mind if you threw him in the pool a few times just so it's in the shallow end where it won't put out his cigar. - oh, no, mother, not now. you're talking about the source of our allowance. - oh, yeah, well there must be someone. - [harry] george? gracie? oh, there you are. - oh, no. - no, mrs. burns. - look, if you can pull him out of the pool, you can pull out anybody. - mother! - shh! - good morning. - [gracie] good morning. - hi, fellas. - [ronnie] hello, mr. von zell. - [ralph] hi, mr. von zell. - my you look nice this morning. - oh, thank you. - well, thank you again, gracie. you know, it takes a woman to notice those things. maybe it's the new suit i'm wearing. you like this? - oh, it's a new suit? - uh huh. (affirmative) it's made of that new summer material. it's wrinkle proof. it won't even shrink if it gets wet. - oh, that makes me feel better. - hey, you've got your camera here, would you like to take a picture of me in my new suit? - of course. - why not? - oh, wait, wait a minute, gracie, by the pool. (audience laughing) - oh, this will make a wonderful background. - [gracie] yeah. - how's that? - oh, all i'm getting is your coat and part of your trousers. oh, and i love the way those cuffs just meet the tops of your shoes. - well, here, i want them to see how the cuffs -- - well, it's a little better, but step back a little bit more. - yeah, well, you tell me when. - [gracie] all right. little bit more, little bit more. there, now that's about right. - oh, gracie, i nearly went in the pool. no, wait, wait. (audience laughing) - okay, boys, do your practicing. - [harry] oh, oh. - pretty good, ron, huh? - i think my suit is -- - are you busy, dear? if you are, i won't interrupt you. - no, no, i was just sitting here thinking. - oh, well, then maybe i better come back when you're busy. you know, thinking for you is even harder than working. - sweetheart, what's on your mind? - oh, well, i've got the most wonderful news about ronnie. - oh? - he's going to have a job this summer as a lifeguard at a hotel in a place called acapulco. that's mexico. - i know where it is. - well, of course you do, i just told you. - no, no, i knew where it was anyhow. - oh, george, stop being so smart. i didn't know before ronnie told me, and i'm sure you didn't know before i told you. - but, i knew that. we'll see about it. - is in, is in. - now forget what i told you. - all right, forgotten. i don't remember a thing you told me. - now where's acapulco? - i don't know. you've got a nice stupid husband. how much is ronnie getting paid in this hotel? - oh, 40 dollars a month in board. - well, then i'll have to send him a little extra every week to get by on. - oh, well that would be silly to send it to him. you'll be there so you can hand it to him. - i'm going to acapulco? - then so am i. if you and ronnie are going, you don't expect me to stay home all alone do you? - gracie, those resort hotels cost a lot of money, and the money ronnie is getting wouldn't pay for our room for one day. - well he's too young to know that so i thought you could pay the difference. - your mind is made up. - [gracie] oh, sure. - have you told blanche? - no, not yet. - well, good, why don't you tell blanche. i'm sure you wouldn't want to go without her, and harry would be crazy to take her as crazy as i am. - that's right. - good. - oh, and now you can go back to your thinking, but don't do it after dark. you know, it's hard on your eyes. - i'm not going to acapulco. gracie, is going to tell blanche. blanche will tell harry, and if i know harry he won't take blanche to glendale. acapulco. every summer he goes up to lake ronkonkoma. he likes the fishing up there. he's got a little cottage he paid $200 for it. he bought it during the height of the land boom. see, harry has really got to save his money in the wintertime. those summers up there must cost him at least 10 dollars. and the fishing costs him nothing. the row boat, rod and reel went with that $200 deal. hey, reel and deal, it's poetry. if longfellow finds out i'm going into his racket, he'll start telling jokes. if he's smart, he won't start by telling the joke i just told. he even calls the fish by their scientific names. i was with him once when he caught a brook trout, and he told me it was a fine specimen of a salmo fontinalis. then he hooked a big one that got away, and he used the same language everybody else does. (audience laughing) i was quite shocked when he said, "darn that salmo fontinalis." lucky there were no children around. but you know, i'd rather stay home than go to some of those resorts. you can't trust their ads or their folders. gracie and i went to one, and the folder said, "gay young crowds stop here "for their vacation." if that crowd was gay and young, they started their vacation easily 40 years ago. the youngest fellow there couldn't bend down to tie his shoelaces. lucky gracie did it for me. but it's nice if a husband and wife agree on their vacation, like the jack tavelman's, friends of ours. he likes mountain climbing and she likes shopping, and they get along fine. while she shops, he keeps climbing up the escalator while it's coming down. (audience laughing) acapulco, i'd have a miserable time there. i don't speak a word of acapulcan. (mumbling) well, just a few words. - oh, acapulco sounds so exciting. the only place we ever go is to that termite-ridden cabin of ours, on that mosquito-infested lake. - oh, then you'll go with us. - i'm going to make harry take me if it's the last thing he does. and if he tries to argue, it will be. harry. - oh, blanche, you're all wrong. you should use the subtle approach. that's how i get george to agree to things. - really? - oh, sure. sometimes i get so subtle after he says yes, i don't even know what i wanted. - yes, honey? oh, good morning, gracie. - good morning, harry. oh, you won't have any trouble with him this morning. - gracie was telling me that george is going to take her to acapulco, and i said, "you know, if i wanted to go, my harry would take me." and she said you never would. and i said, "oh, yeah? "all i have to do is say i want to go and he'd say yes." - blanche, i'm going to say something that may surprise you. - oh? - for once, gracie is more intelligent than you are. - why? - in simple language which even you should grasp, we are going up to our cabin this summer so i can go fishing. we are not going to acapulco. acapulco is very expensive. - yeah. well, it's not half as expensive as feeding my brother roger all summer in the cabin with us. - your brother roger is not spending the summer with us. he has not been invited. - well, i'm taking care of that right now. - blanche. - acapulco? - george? guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. isn't the money you make under the false pretense of being an actor sufficient for your needs? - must you now be a shill for a mexican travel agency and lure your friends into expensive vacations they can ill afford? - don't tell me that you're going to acapulco. - through collusion. - well, i'd go through san diego, it's a much shorter cut. - george, please. - hi, harry. - are you a patient in this sanitarium? - i was in the pool with my clothes on. - then two week here will do you good. - harry, the reason i told gracie to ask blanche to go i figured you'd turn her down and kill it for all of us. i don't want to go to acapulco any more than you do. -then how can we extricate ourselves from this insupportable predicament? that's still the long way through san diego. you'll save a half hour. - george, i've got a wonderful idea. excuse me, harry, wait 'til you hear this. george, i happen to know there's a mr. velasco coming over here at two o'clock to give ronnie and ralph a lifeguard test for those jobs. he's never seen the boys. now, if they flunk the test, - they won't flunk. these kids are great swimmers. - but you and harry morton are not. - i see, we get rid of the boys, and we take their place. - splendid plan. - harry? - yes, boss? - you're fired. - but what for? isn't it a good idea? - it's a great idea, but i'm angry 'cause i didn't think of it. - hey, listen, why don't you girls come down to the hotel for a little visit? ronnie and i will be pretty busy, but we guarantee to save you twice a week. - might be fun. - [blonde girl] what's the name of the hotel? - the el matador. - [blonde girl] say, who'd you apply to for this job? - mr. velasco. - [girls] oh, no! (laughing) - what did we say that was so funny? - i don't know, but we better remember. my father might want to use it in his monologue. - [blonde girl] don't you fellas know what kind of a job you applied for? - sure. - lifeguards. - [blonde girl] sure, in the children's wading pool. - what? - children's wading pool. - uh huh. (affirmative) - all those beautiful umbrellas. - instead of umbrellas, you'll be putting didys on little parasols. - we got to get out of this. - oh, boy, i'll say. - well, fellas, thanks for the swim. - we'll see you later at the malt shop crying to your phosphate. - ronnie, it's one-thirty. mr. velasco is going to be here at two. what are we going to do? - well, we could sit here and wait for him and tell him that we don't want to take the job. - yeah. - or we could do it the coward's way, get dressed and sneak out. - we would like to find out what your hotel rates are. - would you like it in pesos? - no, in acapulco. why does everybody keep pushing that other place? - now i recognize you. - yeah, that's right. - then our regular rates will not apply. we're delighted to have celebrities stay at our hotel. so for you there will be a considerable reduction. - well, thank you. and my friend is going too now. what about her? - i'm afraid the usual price must be charged. - oh, but you did say it was less for celebrities? - [clerk] yes. - he doesn't recognize you madame mortoni. i guess he doesn't go to the opera very much, huh? - i guess not. - madame mortoni, you're a grand opera star. - oh, the grandest. - really? - the most famous and the least recognized. - mortoni, mortoni, the name doesn't sound familiar to me. have you been heard in mexico? - oh, no, no, she can't sing that loud, but if the wind is right you can hear her as far as pasadena. - in what operas have you appeared? - oh, many, many. - oh, and she was great in it. - but she played the leading role princess manymany. -i'm convinced ladies. i'm sure your friend will add to the entertainment at the hotel. i'll make out your reservations. - mr. velasco is here. - did you get rid of ronnie and ralph first? - oh, sure, i had to bribe them though. i gave them each 10 dollars. - oh, good, good. - it wasn't easy either. i had to chase them half a block before i could catch them to give them the money. - well, at any rate, they're gone. - yeah. - oh, mr. velasco, here. right here, senor. - [velasco] how do you do? - fine. - here are your lifeguards. - yeah, here we are. - you are the lifeguards? - that's right. let's do a little swimming now. - all right. - but they wrote they were college athletes. - well, yes, you know, college athletes. the better the athlete, the longer it takes them to get through college. - then they must be champions. - well, i'll bet you've never seen swimming like that before. - i can honestly say no. - [harry] nice work, men. - [velasco] may i ask you, where did you learn that stroke of yours. - from a boyhood companion, my dog. - and where'd you learn yours? - you mean this one? i'm an old pool shooter, eight ball in the side. - well, gentlemen, i'm sorry, even though the jobs were as guards for the children's wading pool, you won't qualify. i'm afraid the children are not strong enough to save either one of you. - and, this is good day? - yes, but not for me. (chuckling) - harry, you really did it. - you certainly did. every once in a while i come up with a good one. - that's true. - oh, george, we just ran into ronnie and ralph, and they told us they don't want to go to acapulco. and if ronnie isn't going, then i'm not going. - no, and then if gracie isn't going, i'm not going. - well, good, then we'll all stay home - oh, girls. - and we'll have a wonderful summer. - this is a bitter disappointment to these two wonderful husbands, who they just had their heart set on taking their lovely wives on this glorious vacation in acapulco. - i know, but if ronnie isn't going. - but ronnie isn't going so we'll all stay home. - you don't know how these two devoted men were looking forward, to what might have been a second honeymoon. - but ronnie isn't going so we'll all stay home. - [von zell] acapulco. acapulco with its blue waters, its dazzling white sands, its warm tropical nights. - oh, well, that does it. ronnie can stay home. george and i are going on our second honeymoon. - and so are we. let's go home and pack, gracie. - yeah. - george, now listen. - what'd you say, gracie? oh, you're not going, you're not go -- (audience laughing) all right, go ahead and say it, i'm fired. - no, harry, you get a raise. turned out to be a funny show. (applause) - thank you. - thank you. thank you very much. gracie, have you got another relative we can talk about? so we'll have to talk about the ones i already have. - good, i'll settle for that, which one? - well, how about my uncle z. f. allen, the postmaster? - z. f., those are unusual initials. what do they stand for? - zone fourteen. - zone fourteen. - zone, now that's a common little name. - well, you see his mother and father were in the postal service too. so when the boy was delivered, they wanted to make sure he came to the right address. - well, z.f. sounds like a second-class mail. - oh, no. - first class, huh? - he runs his own post office in a little town in northern california. -northern california. - oh, he's a wide awake businessman. his post office does more business than any other one its size in the country. - why is that? - well, he noticed that the supermarkets were getting their customers to buy more groceries by giving them free trading stamps. - so? - so, to get his customers to buy more stamps, he is giving away free groceries. - free groceries. - uh huh. (affirmative) - well, this kid is going to build up a big business. - oh, sure. - i'm sure he does. - well, now for instance, for people who don't like the taste of glue, - yeah. - he has a cocker spaniel standing by the stamp window with his tongue hanging out. - that's to lick the stamps for the customers. - yes. the only trouble is he can't keep a dog very long. - why not? - well, you know, cocker spaniels are very friendly dogs, and they're always licking people's hands and they get stuck to them. - so it costs him a little extra for dogs, but don't forget he'll make a fortune by giving away free groceries. - that's true, but he's always had trouble with dogs. when he first started to deliver mail, they were always barking at him, but z. f. figured out a scheme. - what was the scheme? - well, for a whole week he carried some meat around with him and he gave every dog a big piece of meat. - some meat and they stopped barking at him. - yeah, but by that time, they were so used to the taste of meat that they bit him instead. - but the mail went through. - oh, sure, he was so devoted to his work, - pretty uncomfortable while he was dancing. - yes, but when they played post office at a party, he was the only one who was properly dressed. - that boy was really proud of his work. - yes, but he ran into a little trouble one day when he went to the zoo. two baby kangaroos jumped in his mailbag because they thought he was their mother. - well, devotion like that should have gotten him a raise. - he didn't need it. - really? z. f. had money. - once z. f. made 5,000 dollars because of his hobby. - what was his hobby? - drawing mustaches on pictures. - and that's how he made 5,000 dollars? - yes, you know those wanted pictures in the post office? well, z. f. drew a mustache on every one of them. i don't understand. - oh, well, one of the crooks wanted to disguise himself - yeah. - so he raised a mustache and because of his hobby z. f. recognized him immediately, - and got the reward? - yeah. - good night. - good night. appearing on tonight's show - right this way, swabby, to sick call. - ok, ok, gents, it's 2 minutes before the first race. the track is crowded and the morning line on number 3 is now 6 to 5. - remember, guys, this is the first race on the daily double so, hurry, hurry, hurry. - i got to hand it to you, grube. turning sick call into a race meeting was a stroke of pure genius. - if this keeps up, we'll have to get them to build a larger hospital. all right, everybody, all bets down. it is now post time, ready in the starting gate? - all right, ready? get set, go. - and they're off and wheeling at sick call. number 6 takes the lead but here comes number 4 making the charge good on the outside. number 3 is in the brake. they roll the quarter. the quarter is 32 and--

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