Transcripts For KRNV Today 20160202

The other day while i was telling him how to fill my tooth. canned laughter now von zell wants to be romantic. Is he conceited he thinks he looks like he did 15 years ago. Wait a minute, ive seen von zell 15 years ago, and if he thinks he looks like that, hes not conceited. canned laughter not that harry is bad looking. Hes not, but hes not handsome, either. Hes like tapioca pudding, nice, but not exciting. canned laughter and also a little lumpy. canned laughter but everybody likes to give advice. And when they give it to an expert, no wonder he loses his temper and tells the other person to keep quiet. Like this doctor i knew who was taking care of this woman who was going to have her fourth child. No matter what he wanted to do, she made a different suggestion, so he finally lost his temper and he says, madam, how many babies have you delivered . And she said, doctor, how many babies have you had . He kept quiet and listened to the expert. And i know one fellow who couldnt help it. He told everybody what to do. Tailors how to make a suit, mechanics how to tune a motor. Once an electrician walked into his house to fix the short circuit, and he said thats where the trouble is and stuck his finger in the socket. canned laughter now hes either telling somebody how to play a harp or showing somebody how to shovel coal. canned laughter you get advice from all sources. When gracie and i first started to do our vaudeville act, everybody made suggestions how to improve it. But gracie didnt listen to them, and im glad she didnt. Shed have been very unhappy working alone. canned laughter but theres one thing i do that people dont fool around with. They might advise me how to produce a show or how to time a joke, but nobody tells me how to sleep. Not to, yes, but how to . No. canned laughter george really said that after i left . Hes finally realized he doesnt belong in show business. What a pity he reached such an obvious conclusion so much later than everyone else canned laughter you mean you knew all along he was unhappy when he was telling jokes . No, but i was aware of my own unhappiness. Oh, well then youre just the man who can help him. Ill send him over here, and will you try to figure out the kind of work hes really fitted for . I dont want him to waste his life in a business he hates i will do my utmost to prevent him squandering further time as a round peg in a square hole. Oh, good, i want him to be a square peg in a square hole, just like you canned laughter lets name some professions, maybe well find one to fit george. Very well. Uh. Hes spent a lot of time in banks taking gracies money there. canned laughter maybe he could be a bank clerk he hasnt sufficient mentality for that. canned laughter perhaps he might become a furniture mover. Doortodoor salesman . That requires personality. canned laughter a plumber . Carpenter . A janitor. canned laughter ditch digger. Well that brings us right back to where we started. He hasnt sufficient mentality for that. canned laughter cheerful music how do you do. How do you do . Im dr. Craigmore, the psychologist. Im here to see mr. Burns. Are you his mother . Well, that depends on which mr. Burns you mean. If you mean george burns, hes too old to be my son. In fact, my family says hes too old to be my husband. But come on in canned laughter i meant ronald burns. Oh, well thats better. Hes not too old to be my son. In fact, he is my son so that would make him just the right age. canned laughter well, is he home . I have the results of his Aptitude Test. Oh, no, he isnt, but im dying wont you sit down . Thank you. His tests indicate that he should follow the theatrical profession. Oh, an actor oh, well i hope hell be happier than his father is. Oh, is his father an actor . Hes been an actor all his life, and the most miserable one youve ever seen. Thats too bad but its never too late to change ones profession. Really . Why, yes as i told your son, i had a case where a man had been a dentist for 20 years, but after his Aptitude Test he found happiness as a farmer. Oh, well, that would never work for george. If he had to be a dentist for 20 years before he could become a farmer, well, he wouldnt live to enjoy his happiness canned laughter uh, perhaps id better talk to your husband. canned laughter oh, well ill go get him. doorbell rings oh, laughs excuse me. Oh, ill go upstairs and get him. I have to talk to him again. Yes, alright. Oh, harry, i want you to meet dr. Craigmore. Hes a psychologist. And doctor, this is harry von zell, my husbands hired hand. canned laughter excuse me for interrupting you, dear, but dr. Craigmore is downstairs waiting to give you your Aptitude Test, and youll love farming. canned laughter uh, dr. Who . Dr. Craigmore. And ill love farming . Farming, yes. Tell dr. Craigmore ill be right down. Alright. Oh, and did i do something for you i saved you 20 years as a dentist. canned laughter im going to turn on my television set. book thuds i want to catch up with you people and know whats going on, too. So, doctor, while youre giving mr. Burns his Aptitude Test, id appreciate it if youd casually mention that youve seen the Television Show, and that you think oh, well thats not ethical, im only concerned with mr. Burnss future im concerned with mine but mr. Von zell, i here, here, supposing i stay here and help you bring it up . But mr. Von zell, you cant stay here an Aptitude Test is very confidential. Alright, then ill hide in the closet. canned laughter and ill be listening to what you say about me. Very smart. canned laughter how strange can a household be . canned laughter oh, how do you do . How do you do. This is rather a delicate matter, i hope you dont mind if i speak freely . Well why not, theres nobody around to hear us. Its just between the both of us uh, yes, thats true. canned laughter now, mr. Burns, its never too late to do the things for which we are best suited. I am here to do my utmost to help you find the right road. Would you repeat that last line . I beg your pardon . Repeat that last line, and say it just the way you said it. Im here to do my utmost to help you find the right road its unbelievable. What a reading. But, then again, you must have had theatrical experience. Well, laughs in our college play i had a small part, and everyone said i was excellent. Oh, mr. Burns, that was 20 years ago well, its never too late to do the things youre best suited for actor . You not only have the voice, but you also have the looks, and talent like that shouldnt be wasted. Well, i havent been too happy in my profession. Im thinking of replacing my announcer. canned laughter Television Show . I know you can do it. Would you read that line for me just once more . canned laughter im here to do my utmost to help you find the right road. Well, thats it. See, i not only need a man who has a fine speaking voice like yours to do the announcing, but hes also got to be goodlooking enough to get the girl. canned laughter the man ive got is very unattractive. canned laughter mr. Burns, this is a flattering opportunity, and im very anxious to have a chance at it. Well, youll take harry von zells place. Dyou ever see von zell . Yes, i, ive met him. What do you think of his looks . canned laughter well, just between us, i dont why are we whispering . Theres nobody here. canned laughter his, uh, his nose, uh a little broad, i think. Uh, yes, uh, but his eyes closely set. Uh, yes, uh, around the waist indistinct unit. canned laughter well uh, as you said, hes very, very unattractive. canned laughter doctor, i go along with that extra very you just threw in. Oh, dr. Craigmore how did my tests come out . Fine, my boy. Youre going in the most wonderful profession in all the world, acting. Oh, wonderful ill be right with you, ive got to hang my coat up. Sh money crinkles canned laughter is he getting enough air in there . Looked a little sick to me. canned laughter who . The fellow who just checked your coat. canned laughter well, did you finish with the Aptitude Test . Yes, we have, and your husband helped me you helped him . Hes going to be an actor. Yes thank you very much for the opportunity, mr. Burns. I uh, well, i may need a little more training, so if i hurry ill just have time to register at the pasadena playhouse goodbye but dr. Craigmore, what about my Aptitude Test . Im in a new profession, boy. canned laughter im here to do my utmost. canned laughter he wants to be an actor and ronnies going to be an actor and i love show business. Why do you insist on being a farmer . canned laughter ok, youve made me change my mind. Well, i only did it to make me happy you have made me happy. kissing smack aw giggles you see, im glad you took that Aptitude Test. Now you can still be an actor youd be a very unhappy farmer. You know, gracie, ive been so busy that i forgot to spray the closet for moths. Imagine me being a farmer. canned laughter scoffs ive been in show business all my life ill always be. Im glad you and ronnie like show business. Everybody i know likes show business. Everybody in the world. There must be thousands of indistinct george harry, what are you doing in here . Uh, inin, uh, look never mind that, but look, you cant let that fellow have my job you think he did a reading on that line . Listen to this. draws in a deep breath i am here to do my utmost to help you find the right road. sneezes canned laughter harry, look. laughs ill speak to the writers, and next week you get the girl. Oh, george you might not be attractive, but at least your moth proof. That i am. canned laughter goodnight you know, george out, out applause thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Now gracie, lets pick someone in your family to talk about. Alright, how about my cousin casey allen, the railroad man . Casey allen, that sounds like a real interesting character. His name was casey allen . Yes, he started out as a conductor, and his train went from San Fransisco to los angeles, and on his very first day he got into a big argument with a lady passenger. She wouldnt buy a ticket for cleveland well, why. Why should she . Cleveland is in ohio well, maybe now, but that day cleveland was right there on the train sitting on his mothers lap canned laughter oh, cleveland was a little boys name. Yes, and she wouldnt buy him a ticket because he was underage. She said he was so young he couldnt even speak yet. Oh, and casey wouldnt believe her . Well, not at first, but cleveland talked him into it. canned laughter well if the kid couldnt speak, how could he talk casey into it . Then they made casey an engineer. Just in time, too. canned laughter they were always on time, except when a cow was standing on the tracks. Oh, that sort of delayed them . Well, for two hours. Oh, for two hours. The cow was very heavy, and they couldnt move her, oh, whatd he do . Milked her. Milked her that was a good solution. Mmhmm, and the cow mustve liked the way he did it, because the next day she was back on the track again back on the track again . canned laughter well, gracie, i guess he was a very good milker. Well, george, when youre an engineer and you pull that whistle all day youre bound to be. canned laughter yeah, well that fellow was really a pro. Did he like being an engineer . Well, he did till they put him on that run that went through the desert. Oh, that was sort of dry and hot and i guess he didnt enjoy that. Well, he solved that problem. Oh, he did, huh . Yes, he always put a hand full of mexican jumping beans inside his hat. Mexican jumping beans . Yes, when they hopped up and down on his skull it sounded like rain on the roof and it cooled him off oh, it cooled him off . canned laughter im assuming i never met this casey allen. No, he was really something, george. In his overalls and his bandana around his neck, he was very handsome. Except for his broken nose. Oh, he had a broken nose . Yes, well af how did he get that . Oh, thats, right after the first run his nose was broken . Yes, well you know how engineers lean out of the cab to see where the train is going . Yes. Well, he passed another train, and the other engineer was also leaning out say goodnight. Goodnight goodnight. laughter and applause relaxed music here you are, boys. Gee, you two really look beat. You know, im certainly glad those exams are over with. You know, ive never been bushed in my whole life. Good thing we got a week to rest up in. Hey, what are you gonna do in your vacation . Oh, for the first few days, nothing. For the rest of it, less than that yeah, my plans exactly. Im gonna have breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, and dinner in bed,. Im gonna do the same thing if i wake up. Hey bro, lets not talk. Lets just rest. Good plan. Oh, hi joyce joyce hi there, sit down right next to me there. Thanks, but i cant stay long. I just came in to look for mildred. Oh, well i think shes. You want the next dance . I hear you two kids have something cooking. Yes, were gonna drive to palms springs together. Were gonna spend our vacation there. Hey, mildred hi there sit down, sit down right next to me here. You sure you dont want me at another table . whispering its lonesome over here oh, by the way, we just heard about your trip down to palm springs. Yes, were staying at the desert hacienda. Then helen, patty, fran, gloria, and felice are joining us later. Seven of you oh, practically the whole sorority. Were gonna have a ball now, isnt that a coincidence . You know thats where rob and i are gonna stay. Were gonna spend our vacation at the desert hacienda, too. Huh . Oh, yeah sure, thats where were gonna stay alright. Thats just wonderful. You know all the rest of the boys here, theyre simply exhausted from their exams. Exhausted . Well, were raring to go. Horseback riding, swimming, girls. Mountain climbing, hiking. Girls. Girls. Wed better get going. Oh say, what are you girls paying down there . 65 dollars for the week, meals included. Now, isnt that a coincidence . Thats what were paying. Yeah, very reasonable. Well see you in palm springs. Sure. Drive carefully. Bye bye. Well see you down there. Where are we gonna get 65 . I dont know, but we better get it somewhere. Im a little short. How much are you short . 63 dollars. Youre better off than me, i need 67. 67 . Sure, i owe you two. Thats the two i was counting on. See ya down there ronniell be home ananminute now. Thanks for helping me fix his lunch. Oh, it was nothing, honey. Say, this is the end of the term, isnt it . Uh hmm. How did ronnie do in his examinations . Oh, just wonderful. He took every one of them. doorbell audience laughing oh, excuse me. Hello, harry. whispering hello gracie, i came over to see george. Ive got laryngitis. Well, thats nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of people have it. Just talk right up. What happened to you . I woke up this morning and all of a sudden my voice was gone. Well, you better take care of it. I have, i made an appointment to get my throat painted this afternoon. Oh harry, i wouldnt fool around with painters. Id go see a doctor. audience laughs good point. Gracie, would you tell george, please, ill be alright in time for the show. Its just a cold. [gracie] yeah. You know something, harry . You dont need a doctor. Why dont you go home and drink a glass of warm milk, after a hot bath . Oh, look, she means alright, harry. But after you drink a hot bath, you wouldnt have any room for the milk. audience laughs oh, hi mr. Von zell. Hi ronnie, ive got laryngitis. I can hardly talk. Thats too bad. Mr. Von zell, do you think you could lend me 65 . And my ears are even worse. Hi, mother. Hello, ronnie. Boy, were those exams rugged. You know, ralph and i studied like dogs. Were bushed, just beat. You know, if we could go to palm springs for a week and recuperate, that would save our lives. Well, why dont you go, ronnie . Well, wed love to, if we could dig up 65. Well, when i was your age and needed money, i went to my mother. Thats a wonderful idea, ronnie. Why dont you go to blanches mother . audience laughs no, gracie, that wouldnt do. See, my mothers up in seattle. What about you . Well that wont work, either. My mother is in san francisco. audience laughs so i guess, ronnie, youll have to get the money from me. [blanche] yeah. Well, thank you, mother a week in palm springs, thats just what i need. Ill do nothing but rest. Where you gonna stay . [ronnie] at the desert hacienda. The girls . Oh, then i better go with you oh i know girls, theyll never let you rest. Theyll want you to go swimming, and dancing, and moonlight riding, and those are the last things you want. Look, your father and i will go down with you. And, dont worry, ronnie. Ill shoo all those girls away. Well, if you and george are going, thatll be fun. Ill make harry take me. [gracie] oh wonderful you mean youre all going to palm springs with me . Yes. Yes. To shoo the girls away . Yes. Yes. Excuse me. [gracie] oh, ronnie, your soup oh, the poor boys so tired, he didnt even finish his lunch. You know, gracie, our one problem is how can we get harry and george to take us to palm springs . Yeah, whos going to talk them into it . My mother cant do it, shes up in seattle. And mines in san francisco, so i guess its up to us. Dad, you busy . 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What else is new . audience laughs are you gonna joke . Not if youre not gonna laugh. Whats the problem . Well, ill level with you. Now, ralph and i are supposed to go to palm springs. Mother insists on coming along. Going down there, and you know how it is. No, but i know how it was. audience laughs how many chicks are gonna be down there . Seven. Seven chicks and just you and ralph . Yeah, you might call it our own little gold mine in the sky. Well, you and ralph put in a hard term, and youre entitled to three and a half chicks apiece. Ok, ronnie, your mother and i are not going to palm springs. Thanks, dad [gracie] george now remember, no palm springs. [george] no palm springs. Yes, dear . Oh mother, i was just talking to dad. Leave him to me, ill tell him he needs a rest. George, i just came up to tell you. Why are you winking, dear, ronnie and i are up to something. audience laughs i wasnt winking, my right eyelid fell down. Oooh, i just noticed something. I dont know what it is, but you need a rest. You dont look too good. And i just noticed something. That you look wonderful. See, maybe if we. I do . Ive never seen you look prettier. Oh, really . Yeah, that sparkle in your eyes, and the glow in your cheeks. Well. You know, gracie, you look as young today as you did the day i married you. You know george, youre not making this easy for me. audience laughs especially when you tell me the truth like that. But, i have to think of ronnie. Let me see, where was i . George, you need your rest. Oh yes, george you need a rest. Thats where you were. Yeah, you dont look too good. Look gracie, i can save you a lot of trouble. I feel fine and were not going to palm springs. Oh well, all right. So, you think i look wonderful, huh . I think you look beautiful. Thanks. I thought you were thinking of ronnie . Well, i am, but a girl has to think coughs loudly what caused that . Well, its very hard for people to know how sick they are unless somebody else catches it. coughs i see. But, if you dont want to go to palm coughs springs, you can just forget it. coughs look, gracie, stop coughing. Were not going to palm springs. coughs audience laughs what if a doctor tells you you had to go . Would you go then . Id even go to altoona. Well, i dont want to lose any time, would you be willing to go to palm springs and have a doctor look at you there . No, but ill tell ronnie that you tried. Well thank you, george burns. Poor ronnie, gracie cant seem to get the idea it was natural when he was a kid and she went to the barber shop with him and cried all during his first haircut. But, he was pretty upset when she did it again three years ago and cried all during his first shave. audience laughs shes always worried about ronnie. Like last year, when he was thinking of joining a fraternity and she didnt know whether it was the right thing for him so she said, im going to join it first and see how good it is. I said, gracie, a fraternity is a club for boys. She said, well sure, you dont think id let ronnie join a girls club. audience laughs but, i did talk her into giving ronnie a little more freedom. Remember his first big date, he wanted to borrow the car, so i talked to gracie and we decided to let him have it. And then the kid really spent a wonderful evening with this girl. In fact, the only thing that spoiled it was some nosy cop. He had no right to make such a fuss because of a little necking in the back seat. In mulholland drive and we felt a little romantic. audience laughs it would have been nice to go to palm springs and rest for a few days, i love that place. Minute i get there, i go to my room, put on my swimming trunks, turn on the sun lamp and relax. I know the sun is shining outside, but when i pay 35 a day for a room, i dont want to leave it. Once, they talked me into playing tennis. Thats a young mans game. You know, you play singles until youre 25, and from 25 to 35, you play doubles. And, i dont want to tell you exactly how old i am, but when i played there were 28 men on the court. audience laughs on my side of the net. Naturally, we lost. You know how the losers supposed to jump over the net and congratulate the winner . We sent him a wire. audience laughs i did that once and enjoyed it, but it was in my dream. I dreamt that i went fishing with gina lollobrigida. And we were alone on this little island. It was really great. I caught a six pound fish, shes a fine cook. I even lie about my dreams. So, george refused to go to palm springs. [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didnt feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. She seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. And the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, thats when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. Thats when the bad feelings started to go away. Yeah, i dont know how he did it, but he outsmarted me some way. Gracie, i have it, i have it. I think i know a way to make harry so anxious to go that hell force george to go, too what is it . This letter. Well, its just a circular from a department store. laughing hello, dear. Hello, gracie. Hi, harry. Oh, blanche, dont show him that letter from roger. Itll spoil his lunch. A letter from roger . Now, harry, first have your lunch. Its spoiled, already. Hell only be here a week, now have your lunch. Lunch . Im sorry i had breakfast. Now harry, dont get excited. He wont be here until tomorrow morning. Oooh, that scalawag he pilfers my money, he wears my clothes, he addresses me as dum dum, and he consumes more food than a swarm of locusts. And, those are only some of his more lovable qualities. All right, harry, so you have to put up with roger for seven days everybody has their problems. Look at gracie, she wants to go to palm springs for a week. But, george wont go. Palm springs, a haven of refuge from your fraternal parasite. Oh, but what about your lunch . Ill eat it in the car. [blanche] now, i wont go if gracie cant go then, i will force george to take gracie. How . Are you going to play some kind of a trick on him . Oh, certainly not. George is far from brilliant, but only a person completely lacking in intelligence is ever deceived by trickery. Youre so right. Dad, have you crossed me up . What . Well, mother has your things packed, her things packed, and she says youre taking her to palm springs. Look ronnie, stop worrying. Were not going to palm springs. Yeah, but shes positive you are. Then she must have some little trick working. Wonder what her secret weapon is . George. We must go to palm springs. The new guided missile. audience laughs i need you to pull the fuse. I will. Excuse me, mr. Morton. Why must we go to palm springs . He was coming to visit us tomorrow. Really . I might never have known if gracie hadnt blurted out, dont show him that letter from roger, blanche, it might spoil his lunch. Sit down, harry, of course well go to palm springs. Oh bless you, george. Yes, well have a nice week. Well have a good rest, well stop at the racquet club, i know Charlie Barrett will give us a rate. Instead of 50 a day, im sure hell bring it down to 45 a person. For you and blanche, it will be 90. Of course, thats just for the room. And then the meals will be 25 per person, and theres green fees, and caddies, and taxis, and incidentals, and tips. The week shouldnt run you over 14 hundred dollars. audience laughs where you going, harry . To have blanche remove our lunch from the car. And put out the welcome mat for roger. Harry, if you dont go to palm springs, i wont go. Well, that takes care of that little trick. Those girls must be up to something else. I think ill turn on my television set, and see what patience and prudence are cooking up. I should have known that harry couldnt force george into going. Well, were not licked yet, blanche. George said himself, if a doctor told him to go to palm springs, hed go. So, ill phone a doctor. But, george isnt sick. No, but harry von zell is. Harry von zell . Ill get him over here, and tell a doctor hes george. And, when the doctor sees how sick harry is, hell give me a certificate. And when george sees the certificate, hell realize how sick he is and go to palm springs. Thats a nice, simple little plan. I think ill complicate it a little. Ill be right back. whispering good afternoon. Well, this sounds like throat trouble, shall we take a look . All right, well i dont see anything interesting in there. Why dont you look at his throat, instead . audience laughs i will, then ill take his temperature. Would you take the cap off this for me, please . Now, open your mouth. Say aah, please. Aagh again, mr. Burns. Huh . No, not huh dear, aah, aah. Now please, mr. Burns, aah. Im not. Time for your temperature mother, you havent given me the 65 dollars. Whats going on . Well, ronnie, your father here is pretty sick, but the doctor will make him well. audience laughs father . Oh, now you see doctor how sick he is . Even his own son doesnt recognize him. audience laughs ill get it, and dad, ive never seen you look worse. doorbell my name is george burns. Im a doctor of medicine. I always say if we cant get laughs, at least we can keep our show believable. audience laughs doorbell i told you id complicate it. Im dr. Hemoschlagen, is this the burns residence . Ronnie, were not going to palm springs. This is the place. Is it safe to go up and pack . Get started. How do you do . Im dr. Hemoschlagen, which is the patient . Must be you, you look very sick. Oh no, im fine, we are not going to palm springs. I am sick. Go home and lie down. Then you must be the patient. You even look sicker. But, im a doctor. Then you should know better, go home and go to bed. I will. I never should have gottten up this morning. My, my, my, how long have you been dead . audience laughs im the patient. Oh youre the patient well, how are your eyes . Fine. Your nose . Good. Your mouth . Fine. Your ears . Fine. You hear well . Fine. Good, youre fired. George . Out. mumbling where did everybody go . Everbody left, mrs. Burns. Im dr. Hemoschlagen. The patient is up on his feet so your problem is over. Good day, mrs. Burns. Oh no, doctor. My problems are not over. Oh . I need 65 dollars to give my son so he can go away for a week. Mrs. Burns, youre a very pretty lady. And put it on my bill, and your husband will never know the difference. Ah, youre sweet. Please, mrs. Burns, your husband might see us. Say, how about you and i going to palm springs . Palm springs . Yeah, and well stay at the racquet club. The what club . The racquet club. You see, my son is going to stay at the desert hacienda, and we wouldnt want to spoil his fun, would we, george . audience laughs before i take this off, is there anybody out there wanna get vaccinated . audience laughs thank you, very much. Well gracie, whatll it be tonight . Well, we could talk about my cousin filo al the private eye, or my aunt clara. Filo al the private eye or my aunt clara that sounds good to me. Or my no, no, no,no. Lets stay with filo al the private eye. Have i ever met him . No, but you will as soon as hes acquitted. You mean, the private eye is in jail . Well, yeah, they arrested him and this other man for loitering in a bank vault at two oclock in the morning. audience laughs loitering in a. What where they doing there . Well, it wasnt filos fault. You see, a jealous wife hired him to follow her husband and report where he went nights. Yeah. Well, how did filo know this man was a bank robber . Tell me, what was filos method . How did he go about tracking down criminals . Oh, he had a wonderful system. Now, for instance if he was looking for a murderer, he put an ad in the paper that said, and be able to prove it. Apply to filo al immediately. And this system worked . No, but that was the only flaw in it. audience laughs isnt being a private eye sort of a dangerous job . Not for a brave man like filo. He was real brave, that filo, huh . Once a gangster cornered him and filo just said, go ahead and shoot, i know youre a bad shot. So, the gangster fired six shots at him. And was he a bad shot . Oh, he certainly was, he missed filo twice. audience laughs you mean he shot filo four times . Yes. They send for a doctor . And a piccolo player. audience laughs and a piccolo player . Yeah, to put his fingers on the holes while filo told the doctor where it hurt. audience laughs id like to have you say goodnight now, but weve got one more joke. Was filo ever in any other tight spot . Well, once he was searching a mans apartment when the man came home unexpectedly. And hung himself on a hook so hed look like an old suit of clothes. And it worked, huh . Oh, beautifully. Cousin filo hung there for a week, and then the man donated him and two other old suits to the salvation army. Now gracie, say goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight. [voiceover] appearing on tonights show [military music plays] men, as the Commanding Officer of this base, its my duty my most unpleasant dutyto read you a communication from fleet headquarters. Believe me, i would rather be attacked by kamikazes. Oh. Have we done that well, sir . Lieutenant commander Quinton Mchale and crew of p. T. 73, etc. , etc. , etc. No fair skipping, sir. You shut up, or ill skip you down to seaman second class