[ laughter ] good evening, i'm mr. carson, you new home room teacher. pay attention because there will be a quiz right after the monologue. you sound good tonight. freddy came back and said what a great audience tonight. how are you tom? >> very well. >> doc is still in cincinnati recording with the cincinnati symphony orchestra he's recording the b and horistacata. >> right. >> okay. [ applause ] see-- i remember. i forgot the other song he's recording. you mentioned-- >> wait a minute -- the bell song from luck me. >> that wasn't what you said last night. >> [ inaudible ]. >> that's the one-- i couldn't remember that. well, what do we start off with? there was some health news. how about some health news? i always wanted to start a monologue with some health news. in the paper today new study risk of a heart attack. but they also found out that having a heart attack only feels slightly worse than eating oat bran. [ cheers and applause ] they come up with something every year-- this fiber now. a lot of fiber. supposed to do good things, i guess, for your lower -- whatever. [ laughter ] how many of you have saw the picture in the paper the other day from kennebunkport, maine with the president proudly displaying after three weeks fishing -- he caught a fish, right? [ applause ] more embarrassing news we found out today. it wasn't even a mature fish he caught. he had to put a latex nipple on his worm. [ laughter ] [ applause ] wait a minute, i don't need this job, i own a -- i have a lifetime partnership at heritage usa. [ applause ] poor jim baker. >> oooooooh. >> he is having his problems. and stressed out his doctor said, and a psychiatrist said today at the hospital that jim baker is sane, but jim said he thought that reporters -- i'm going to report this accurately. jim baker said he thought reporters were large insects with antennae, and then he went into a deep depression when he thought he stepped on connie chung. [ laughter ] that can happen. i mean, everybody-- we all have our problems. but jim apparently still thinks he is seeing insects, he woke up, i understand in a terrible fright-- screaming. thought he saw a tarantula on his pillow. turned out to be one of tammy's eyelashes. [ laughter ] there wasn't a lot in the paper today. new television season, i guess starts when, officially? you know, reruns, reruns for the past couple of months. a lot of crime shows are back in. robert loggia, isn't he gonna be with us soon? good actor, starring in a show, mancuso fbi. and buddy epsen, buddy is getting a little old. he is returning to cbs in the hard-hitting series called cross-walk one. [ laughter ] [ applause ] he plays a school crossing guard. i think probably the most exciting new show is calls coops law. and it is starring a former surgeon general of the united states, c. everett coop, and each week coop pulls over a bachelor for a surprise wallet search. [ laughter ] i don't go out of town with this stuff folks. you believe it or not? they are developing a new game show, it's called trump card, with donald trump. he's on everything. he has his names on buildings, on boats, and this show apparently is a lot like wheel of fortune, but instead of vanna white, leona hemsley comes out and flips a homeless person into the street. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and one of the features each week is called the eviction of the week. trump stands under a tenant's window with a bull horn yelling come on down! it's gonna be a great show. [ laughter ] one little strange item in the paper today, i don't know if you read about this, but felix block was arrested again today after passing robert vaughn's helsinki formula to russia. one, two, three. >> i liked it. >> what? >> i liked it. >> thank you very much, sir. did you understand it? >> no. [ cheers and applause ] apparently-- maybe... i might as well explain the joke i guess is only on cable tv robert vaughn does a thing for hair growth or something called the helsinki formula. from sweden. and felix block is the one accused of passing secrets when i said robert vaughn, felix block -- >> oooooooh! [ cheers and applause ] >> we -- we have got to get diagrams for these jokes. [ laughter ] there was an interesting article in a magazine called history today that says king henry the eighth they finally figured out he died of malnutrition. you know why? they found out he ate no fruits or vegetables which apparently give him wild mood swings. from the church of england and execute two of his wives, either that or he just didn't like being called hank. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> okay. no-- no. no-- no. now how many of you read our vice president's latest remarks, dan quayle quote on the planet mars. [ laughter ] this is what he said. he says we have seen pictures where there are canals on mars, and we believe water. therefore there's water, there's oxygen and we could breathe. da, da, da, da, da. [ laughter ] [ applause ] earth calling dan. [ laughter ] doesn't he remember he sent the probe up there some years ago where they found there was no life, no organic matter of any kind? dan says there are canals up there. if you think that's scary, he even said he thought there was sugarless gum on triton. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and now dan quayle says star wars won't work. now i'm for it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] oh, what else is happening? not a hell of a lot. urbalinda, california. does that name ring a bell? wants january 9th to be an official holiday. i guess just in the city of urbalinda. do you know why? it's richard nixon's birthday. yeah. that's right. and they plan in urbalinda to have an annual parade to mark his birthday it will start at the corner of 3rd and main, march through the center of town and then into laos and cambodia. anyway-- the helsinki formula is a.... mr. jimmy stewart is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we have-- no, we have got -- jim fowler here with some really scary, scary things tonight. [ applause ] and a gentleman-- and a gentleman we have booked twice on this show, he was supposed to be with us a week ago. he was supposed to be with us last night. mr. walt neshert. i haven't met mr. neshert, but he has been sitting in the green room with his invention. >> will he get on tonight? >> god, i hope so. because he has been pigging out on those cheese puffs in the green room. and that will kill him in another week if he doesn't get on. anyway, mr. neshert, we think he'll get on with his invention tonight. right? >> it's hard to tell. >> what do you mean it's hard to tell. anyway stay right where you are. thank you! [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> what a show-- what a night. >> yeah, great crowd. standing ovation. that was very nice. >> okey-dokey. >> okey-dokey. >> okay, tonight we have mr. jimmy stewart with us. we have jim fowler with some -- i'll tell you one thing he brought. maybe you saw this on the news a few weeks ago-- where did they originally find this? >> in miami, i think. >> in miami. there was a snake living under someone's home. and they went down and they brought this snake out -- had been living under the person's house. >> for a long time. >> for a long time, apparently. it's about 20 feet long. and we have that snake here tonight. >> i understand, we are going to measure and going to get an official measurement. >> we were going to, but he got loose earlier and we're trying to find him. [ laughter ] going by-- no. okay-- of course and jim is here. and mr. walt neshert, who has been a kindly gentleman who has been coming here religiously. and the show has been running long. >> he gets paid, doesn't he whether he gets on or not. >> yes, absolutely. >> it's a way to make a living in a sense. if he came often enough and just hung around. >> that's right. we ought to try that sometime. [ laughter ] how many of you have seen these things in the papers? i guess they are probably in most major cities. this is from the los angeles times classified ads and the herald examiner also has one. it's called notice of unclaimed personal property, and it goes on for pages and pages. they have literally thousands -- there must be ten-fifteen thousand names here. >> it would be very interesting to me -- >> yes. yes. [ laughter ] >> it says [ inaudible ] received over $90,631. it says over 1.2 million people this is money that the government is holding on unclaimed property. the state controller's office. they include bank accounts, stocks, bonds, all waiting to be claimed by the original owner. and they list all of these people. which they have to do by record. and if it's not claimed it probably goes into the state's budget fund or something. are you familiar with this? there are thousands and thousands of names, and they can't locate these people. >> did you check carson? >> strangely enough i did. just for the fun of it. apparently, if you look at this, they really don't want people to claim this, because look at the size of the print. this is smaller than a phone book and to tell you the truth, it's a little -- can i borrow -- >> sure. >> because they are really small. wow! [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> try the bottom part. >> where is the bottom part? hello, how are you? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> they look good. pushing that oatmeal. you got to have a good breakfast. [ laughter ] >> you don't have -- you are not farsighted or nearsighted, are you? you have some kind of... >> i don't know what it is. >> all right. here is angelito. mr. angelito here? these are just the a's here. goes on-- these are all a's on this page. mr. anwalt. [ applause ] come on! >> wait a minute. walter t anwalt. yes, you see? well, okay. anyway. what we have done -- >> you wouldn't mind giving those back to me, would you? in case i have to leave the stage when the snake comes out. [ laughter ] >> we could read a lot of names here, but possibly nobody's here. we had the people standing in line. we got your names and by our computer, we sent it to the state controllers office this afternoon by the time to come to the show. to see if any of you in our studio audience had anything. so let me read a few and see if you are here, and what we found out is waiting for you at the state controller's office. now didn't you get some names in the audience. >> yeah. >> okay-- we sent these in by computer. you can do this immediately. and they faxed this stuff back to us just like that. dick parker. [ applause ] you see. you are from salem, oregon, right dick? >> yeah. >> it says your great aunt mert left you some rare footage from a one reel movie she made in the 30s, called milley and the nozzle salesman. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> could be valuable. >> marla curzban. curzban-- is that right, marla? they say you got $16.50 from your late great uncle the evangelist. from his ministry. according the chart here, it fell out of his pants when they were hanging over the chair at the motel 6. [ laughter ] look-- $16.50. mark sucheky. >> yeah. >> how are you, mark? >> just wonderful john. [ laughter ] >> mr. wonderful. you are from chicago, says your friend tony the shark photographer died. if you go see his widow, she has a partially digested timex for you. [ laughter ] state controllers are not funny. [ laughter ] peggy erby from rowen oak, virginia. peggy is here? all right, your luncle, your uncle the lonely inventor has willed you the patent to something called honeymoon in a tube. [ laughter ] franklin vaughn from lancaster, california. >> yeah. >> franklin, apparently you are a veteran. the army has a $1,500 check for you. it seems they owe you 40 years worth of royalties for your appearance in an army training film called tom, dick, and trouble. [ laughter ] remember those? [ applause ] remember those service training films that would scare you to death. >> yeah. >> you have x-ray eye-- ooh. stephanie king from american fork, utah. stephanie, you are in luck, dear. they are holding a government check for $30,000. it's not for the irs for the ten years of tax overpayment. it's from hud for 10 minutes of consulting. mike-- michael corf. >> yeah. >> from marble head, mass. you have a rich uncle, >> no. >> well, you do. according to these people. this is a government agency. your rich uncle the dyslexic died and he left you 801 dalbloon, no that's 801 snoobads. [ laughter ] he left you 801 snoobads. jack gump. [ applause ] hello, jack. how are you? from washington, pennsylvania. well, the geological-- genealogical i guess is the correct word institute is thrilled they found you. you are next in line to be the king of a central american country. they want you down there on tuesday to pose for the stamps, and then they want you to pose for the currency, and then they want to shoot you. [ laughter ] he's an unusual-- very unusual. edith mckaslen, from lakewood -- >> colorado-- your uncle nate the inventor died. >> oh. >> maybe you didn't even know you had an inventor. he is an inventor, he left you the patent and all royalty rights to what he considered his greatest invention, a machine to electronically count the creases in a correctly-stored fire hose. [ laughter ] >> take a sip. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> ah. what? >> a big one. we don't want to miss the snake. >> a big one to finish-- he wants to close. >> well, sure he always wants a big close. tim mckelly. >> right here. >> columbus, ohio, right, tim? >> correct. >> you have a $30 rebate coming back from a woman named big thelma. [ laughter ] there was a note attached that wasn't extra after all. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> big finish. >> see we have to go to a tacky tasteless one for a big finish. but that's show business. the helsinki formula. have you ever seen that? we'll be right back after [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> we have a good show tonight. i -- i know of no one either in the entertainment business or out of the entertainment business who does not adore jimmy stewart. if i read the list of his credits, we would be here all night, but how about the philadelphia story, mr. smith goes to washington, it's a wonderful life. rear window. and on and on and on. he has been doing this for five decades. his first book called some of them he's done on this show. called "jimmy stewart and his poems." would you welcome jimmy stewart. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] sit down, jim. good to see you again. >> yes. >> now i have to introduce you not as a motion picture star but as an author. >> no, but i'm just so glad that you had me on the show, johnny, because it gives me a chance to thank you. you're really responsible for those things in that book there. know, they were sort of things that i wrote. they were experiences that i had that rhymed. [ laughter ] >> did all of the experiences you had in life rhyme? >> i sort of talked you into it. and you let me read one. and then you let me read all four of them on the show. >> i was reading this afternoon, and i started laughing about the top step at the hotel is in here. >> yes. >> anyway we'll get to the book in a second. you've been traveling. you have been to africa. >> africa in july. gloria sort of makes those plans for me. we had a wonderful thing. we had our twin daughters judy and kelly, they came with us. their husbands stayed home, because they had to work. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> and it was the first time that the twins -- they always have been very close, you know. the first time they have been -- been sort of together. i swear they just had >> it must have been fun. >> it just was wonderful. >> jim fowler is on later, and one of his favorite animals-- he has been trying to get me to go where sigourney weaver went where they made gorillas in the mist to see the big gorillas. but i understand your favorite animal is the elephant, right? >> yeah. >> why? >> well, i think the elephant is sort of our dinosaur, the dinosaur of our time, and i -- it just -- it's the biggest animal there is. it's -- it has so many human qualities to it. i don't know whether everybody knows this. but you know -- and when -- when a little baby animal is born, they -- the parents don't leave it alone to go off and -- >> yeah. >> the parents stay with this child and learn -- teach the child how to -- how to get food with the trunk. [ laughter ] >> i guess it wouldn't be. >> but they teach them how to get -- get food with -- they teach them out to get water and drink water, and most of the time it's -- it's two years before they are sort of let go, and they all -- all of the elephants go in groups. >> yeah. it's a matriarchal society, isn't it? the old cow -- the female elephant is really in charge. i guess-- >> yeah. and the old ones -- the old ones, they run maybe 60, 65, 70 years old. >> yeah. >> but the old ones after a certain amount of time, they sort of go away from the group that they have always been with, and go up by themselves and there was one animal that we saw paradise up in northern kenya, and it become a very famous elephant because it had the biggest ivory they had seen for years, they were afraid of the poaching and everything, so they had about 24 guards around while this animal was by himself, just sort of living out his life by himself. and when he died, they sort of made a -- something of it, and -- and the government of kenya, and his tusks are -- are in the national museum. >> one of the great fears of course among naturalists and conservationists is this poaching that is still going on over there, and they are only taking it for the ivory, they kill one of the magnificent animals and take the tusks, and the united states just signed and some other nations have banning all ivory imports completely. you know, into this country and they're trying to get they would leave them alone. it's about time they do that. >> this is the goal-- this is the goal to ban all sale of ivory. it's not the whole answer to the story, but it's so much of the answer. it's a wonderful starting point. to get this poaching thing that has gotten completely out of hand. >> okay. let me take a break here, and we're going to come back. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay-- we're back. [ cheers and applause ] and we're talking with jimmy stewart. do you still go out and walk your dogs all the time? >> no, in the evening. >> yeah. the dog you have now is named barron, right? >> no, barra. >> barra-- yeah. one we lost because of sickness. so gloria walks barra, because he doesn't care for me. [ laughter ] >> what do you mean he doesn't care for you. >> well, he doesn't understand me holding the leash, so i go along just for the walk. [ laughter ] >> could it be you are talking a little slowly to the dog, and maybe he -- by the time you say, um -- um -- um, come here, the dog -- the dog is gone? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i never thought of that. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i -- i'll ask him about it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> ask him-- ask him. he may be confused. no, i -- i -- the poem you are going to do for us tonight from the book is one you did here on