Werewolf to your bachelor party. When he gets there, shoot him with a silver bullet. laughter number five if its a male werewolf, dress up like a female werewolf with a bow in your hair. Then date it, get it to fall in love with you, and then never return its phone calls, slowly breaking its heart. laughter stephen number six domesticate it over thousands of years until it turns from a werewolf into a weremans best friend. Whos a good werewolf . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Kate Beckinsale. Chris messina. And jen kirkman. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey woooo thank you very much stephen welcome welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Ill tell you, with a greeting like that, you make me want to run in 2020. cheers and applause oh, man. My heart is thumping. I dont know if its from running out here or standing next t to Kate Beckinsale. Whats going on . Big news from capitol hill. Today Vice President elect mike pence met with Congressional Republicans to talk about repealing obamacare. According to some republican congressmen, the repeal meeting. Two, four, six, eight, make the poor selfmedicate goooooo bleep yourselves cheers and applause hey, guess who else was on capitol hill . President obama stopped by to meet with democrats, to rally them to defend obamacare. Heres obama rolling in with his crew including scarlett mcredboot, congressional cowgirl according to sources, obama urged democrats not to rescue republicans by helping them pass replacement measures. Dont help them fix obamacare or change it or anything like that. Thats in the hippocratic oath first, do no harm. Second, hope the other doctor kills the patient. They get blamed and, in two years, you regain control of the hospital. Obama also suggested that democrats start referring to the g. O. P. s new plan as trumpcare. Jon wow. Stephen that will show him. Because if theres one thing donald trump hates, its putting his name on things. Its going to sting. Speaking of whom, were a little over two weeks from trumps inauguration. Typically i know, im exciting, too. Typically, youve got a bunch of stars there at the inauguration to perform for the new president. Reagan had frank sinatra, clinton had fleetwood mac, george w. Had ricky martin, obama had beyonce. So, obviously, for trump, everybody whos anybody is going to be there, except for anybody. Because hes having a wee bit of trouble getting famous acts to perform. But this week it was announced proud to have the caisson platoon, home of the armys oldest and most famous horse, black jack. Okay, old horse. Thats a crowd pleaser. Kids love old horses. This is exciting. Now, before you drop a bundle on now, before you drop a bundle on stubhub to get tickets, you might want to know that in addition to being the armys oldest and most famous horse, black jack has been dead for 40 years. Nooooo why do the oldest horses always die so young and trumps even having trouble with some of the alive acts that hes booked. Turns out the mormon tabernacle choir is scheduled to perform one fan of the mormon tabernacle choir here. I have some terrible news for my one mormon tabernacle choirhead. Over the weekend, a choir member resigned because she didnt want to perform for trump. cheers and applause this is a disaster. I mean, who wants to listen to the mormon tabernacle choir with only 359 members . laughter obviously, obviously, now the choir needs to fill that empty spot with a mormon who has free time and can sing. Lets see, who could they find . Who let the dogs out . Who . Who . Stephen all right, trump has a job for mitt after all. Its not a place in the cabinet, but its prominent. You know whos definitely going to be at the inaugaral . Bill and Hillary Clinton will attend. I think thats very nice that shes being a gracious loser. And if you count the popular vote, a gracious winner. cheers and applause , of course, of course, it makes doesnt change anything. laughter of course, it makes sense that bill clinton would be there. Former president s traditionally attend the inauguration, and the next day, a 200,000woman march will take place on the washington mall. cheers and applause and there is no way bills going to miss that. 200thou. I like those odds. laughter applause i want them to lower me. I want them to lower me down like a pork chop in a piranha pit. laughter of course, one little shadow hanging over the inaugaration is the whole russia chose our president thing. Our entire Intelligence Community says that russia hacked Clintons Campaign but trump doesnt buy it. And last night he tweeted, the intelligence briefing on socalled russian hacking was delayed until friday. Perhaps more time needed to build a case. Very strange laughter yes, i agree, very strange. For the future commander in chief to use sarcastic quotations about the intelligence agencies he will rely on. Mr. Trump, youre not an outsider anymore shooting spitballs from the sidelines, right . In two weeks youll be president of the united states. cheers and applause youre going to have to youre going to have to get facts from your Intelligence Services to keep enemies from killing us all. laughter aaahhh. Still, it is suspicious that theres been this mysterious delay of the intelligence meeting. I mean, why wait till friday . Possiblybecause the intelligence meeting was always scheduled for friday. laughter thats an interesting fact. You know where trump could have learned that . From an intelligence meeting. Instead, trump has decided to trust intelligence from a more reliable source wikileaks founder and hobo anderson cooper, Julian Assange. laughter after watching assange on fox news, trump tweeted, Julian Assange said a 14yearold could have hacked a podesta. And thats not easy. We know thats not easy. Most 14yearolds surf the internet with just one hand. Speaking of trumps twitter which we will be speak about for years now even though trump has 18 million followers, he only follows 42 accounts. He doesnt even follow barack obama and hes literally about to follow barack obama but this weekend, trump followed somebody new on twitter this is true. Emergency kittens, a twitter account devoted to adorable cats. The feed features cute kitty photos and memes, like this one that says you win at life if you cat cuddles with you. That must be strange for trump to see i mean, a man being grabbed by a pussy. Its so unusual. cheers and applause jon oh oh ooooh stephen are you okay . Are you going to be okay . Jon man, you put that out there, didnt you . Stephen you dont put it out there, they wont put it in there. But still. laughter applause and its good okay. Well see if that makes air. Dont know what cbs is going to do. But still, i think weve got a real opportunity here. I say we need to create a twitter account with actual emergency kittens, adorable cats with Vital Information for the new president , like, Global Warming could make ocean levels rise up to two feet by the end of the century . Im feline scared or a Nuclear Armed north korea could be a threat to global stability. And thats fur real or, the normewlization of white supurrrmecists is pawsibly a catastrophic rise of the furred reich youre welcome. Youre welcome. Weve got a great show tonight. Kate beckinsale is here. But when we return, ill have breaking news from a 104 years ago. Stick around. First there is shaving. Blades. Sharp and precise. Then gillette shielding. Comfy lubrication before and after. And also cooling. Oooh. I got goosebumps. Gillette proshield chill with lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. The best a man can get. Proshield. Available with or without chill. Right. In. Your. Stomach watch this . Yikes, that ice cream was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real ice cream, without that annoying lactose. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. That i was on the icelandic game show. And everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. But nobody knows the box behind the discounts. Oh, its like my father always told me put that down. Thats expensive. Of course i save people an average of nearly 600, but whos gonna save me . [ voice breaking ] and thats when i realized. Im allergic to wasabi. Well, i feel better. Its been five minutes. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] graduate from the kids menu to the adult menu. They hopefully that time comes before they place their order. Bourbon street chicken and shrimp. Now under 10 dollars. Only at applebees. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. All the care your family needs. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause . Stephen thanks so much. Welcome back, everybody. You know, i never thought id say this, but have you heard the latest news about the titanic . First off, it sank. All right, so spoiler alert. But theres more news. According to new claims, it was a coal fire, not just an iceberg that doomed the titanic. They dont know where the the initial sparks for the fire came, from but im guessing hot sex and a model t. And, evidently, the crew knew about the fire, because it had been burning for three weeks before the titanic even shoved off. They even parked the ship with the scorch marks facing the ocean, so passengers couldnt see them. They pulled the Worlds Largest dirty couch cushion flip. So did fire bring down the titanic . I personally do not buy it because we here at the late show have combs through our archives, and we have found a compelling documentary cartoon that proves it was the iceberg targeting the titanic all along. Jim. Yyaahh grunting slurping laughter Hahaha Hahaha ech. bell rings hahaha slurping sighs . Hahaha laughter hahaha applause stephen you hang in there, tiny. Well be right back with Kate Beckinsale. Imy moderate to severeng crohns disease. I didnt think there was anything else to talk about. But then i realized there was. So, i finally broke the silence with my doctor about what i was experiencing. He said humira is for people like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohns disease. In clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. If youre still just managing your symptoms, talk with your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission is possible. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. catchy up eat music so tasty. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the program. You know my first guest from movies like serendipity, love and friendship and the underworld series. The latest is underworld blood wars. Oh impressive. Stephen please welcome Kate Beckinsale applause cheers and applause is that for me . Stephen that is for you. That is for you. Enjoy it. Please hydrate. Im going to. Stephen this time of year you have to hydrate. You look absolutely lovely in that dress. You could aware it to a ball. Should i. Stephen i love how classy you sound, shall i . Is this like what you wore on new years eve . I normally dont like new years eve. Stephen why . I think the pressure to have a really good time makes me go contrary. This year digo to a party. I went to a sort of fraty party, which i thought you went to a frat party . No stephen those were some very happy frat boys. It was a fratystyle party. They were much older, i think, than actual frat partiy. Stephen what made it fraty, bongs, and things like that . I think that was imminent. I left before that happened. There were those red plastic cups stephen the solo cups. With vodka and gatorade in them. Stephen thats a quality party. Right, isnt it. Stephen you need your electrolights when youre chugging vodka. Exactly. So there was that. And then i went somewhere else. And when it was time to leave i went to another party you know when you walk into a house and it sounds like grandmas cabin and grandmas old blankets and i was rolling with the grandma cabin thing and a moth flew out of the toilet and i thought im going home now and i thought thats when new years happened for me. Stephen is that how you knew it was midnight when the moth came out. Where were you for midnight . Not the moth. That would have been a bad year ahead, i think. No, i was at a club at the time. Get me. Stephen a club like with music. Standing on a banket with someone standing on my jacket, and i know you, stuff like that. Normally, i dont have that. Stephen one thing you have to celebrate for the new year here youre on the cover of youre on shape magazine. This is from the contents page of shape magazine. applause my sentiments exactly. Over the holidays, you had to have at least a little bit the eggnog. They take this photo like, in november, right . Absolutely. Stephen and then you totally pack on the pounds. This is ruined. This is ruined. Stephen i can tell, yes fatty. Tubs. Stephen how much do you do you actually have to worry about stuff like that . Because i get to sit behind a desk, so i can just spread out. Thats quite good, isnt it . Stephen its very nice. I actually wear the desk everywhere i go. Its your sweat pants. Stephen i actually dont have to wear pants when i sit down. Youre not. Stephen not right now. How french stephen well, my name is colbert, madame. It is. Stephen you also this is something that is actually very topical, and almost political right now. Yes. Stephen you like to instagram pictures of your of your cat. And this one says, bite me. Yeah. Because hes a gingerbread keek. Stephen i understand. This one makes less sense to me. This one the cat has an egg crate. Okay un the cat is dreaming of murdering you, right . Thats where youre wrong. Thats where youre actually wrong. Stephen cats like this . Not all cats. A lot of cats dont. My cat is quite stupid. But and i say that with love. But does really enjoy dressing up. The trouble is hes got resting bitch face, so he always looks angry but hes actually happy about it. Stephen this one . Thats a panda hat. Its sort of like a helmet. That was his favorite one. Stephen have you thought about submitting this to trumps emergency kitten twitter feed. Thats a good idea. Stephen and sending trump messages. I could get weirder and weirder with the costumes. He would be totally down with it. I dont get the sense hes a frump supporter. Stephen im going to show this photo, and i cant believe it, but cbs is not going to allow mow to show the entire photo of this particular cat photo. It says, having a gesticulating cat or a penis lamp is an advantage. I am trusting i am trusting, knowing how squeaky clean this network is that we cannot show a plastic penis lamp. Why do you have a plastic penis lamp . Well, my exhusband, my daughters father, gave it to me for christmas one year. laughter to remind me of him. Probably not for that. Stephen to remind you of him. That is a very small penis. I take that back. Because of that exact issue that you just mention gld okay. Dont understand why they cant show it when its that small and also functions as a switch what . Thats the switch . Yes, thats what you flick up and down. Thats the genius of the lamp. Stephen thats how it works. Thats,000 works, i understand. I wouldnt know. I wouldnt know. I work for cbs. Underworld blood wars, this is the fifth, your fourth. Yes. Stephen the last time you were here you were doing love and friendship a jane austin novel being adapted. Now youre back in the leather jumpsuit. I can call it a jumpsuit . You can call it whatever you like. Stephen you complained about corsets in the other movie. I still get corsets in underworld. I were a corset nearly at all times. Stephen am i wearing a corset now . No, but it feels like i am. Stephen i am. No pants but a corset. Youre like the ideal man. Stephen i understand that you speak russian. Is that true . Yes. Stephen all right, its not an accusation. Okay laughter glifs hoping i was hoping you could say a few things in russian for me, teach me how to say a few things. Would do you that . I would. Stephen would you mind one of my producers set this up. Im not sure what they are. My producer set up a few things to say in russian. If you could say that. Where did you learn russian by the way. I did it at middle school, high school, Oxford University. Stephen Oxford University i forgot. laughter very nice. Very nice. Exactly stephen okay. Hit me with your best shot. speak german . Stephen i cant even begin to pronounce that. What does that mean . No, i will not give you my wifi password. Stephen i cant do that one. Again, what does that mean . Mr. Putin, please put on a shirt. Youll need that. laughter stephen all right, all right. All right. Do yodo you have a simpler one . Trump tower. Stephen i heard the last one. The best borscht is made in trump tower. Stephen let me get the putin one again. You aced it cheers and applause stephen how do you say thank you so much for being here . laughter underworld blood wars is in theaters this friday. Kate beckinsale, everybody well be right back with Chris Messina. Of shrimp, at red lobsters big fel get your