but it's obviously hard to know for the individual case. but thank you all for listening, we truly appreciate it. >> ladies and gentlemen, please take all your personal items -- [inaudible conversations] >> next up from the rancho mirage writers festival in california is a conversation between dave barry and carl hiaasen on life and politics in florida. [applause] >> what was your name again? [laughter] it's hiaasing en. >> carl harrison couldn't be here, but i'm in his place. >> carl would be famous if he had a normal spelling. [laughter] anyway, first of all, thank you recall for coming. thanks to jamie for putting on this incredible writers fest. [applause] and what we thought we would do in the few minutes we have left -- [laughter] is, we're both going to just briefly talk about our newspaper careers. >> first, though, we have to thank the festival for fitting a million and a half people into this room. [laughter] >> it is really an incredible crowd. >> that's the national park service estimate. >> the national park service estimate. [applause] [laughter] >> i've never seen a crowd this big in here. >> oh, it's the biggest, most amazing crowd. >> huge crowd. >> huge crowd. [laughter] >> so we're going to briefly for those of you who don't know us, we're going to tell you about our newspaper careers, and then we're going to talk about florida a bit. well, more miami -- well, whatever. we'll talk about florida. i started the newspaper business in 1971. i worked for a newspaper in, little newspaper in pennsylvania called the daily local news in west chester, pennsylvania. very small local paper. we once ran a headline while i was there on the front page that said "woman beats off would-be rapist." [laughter] that's the kind of paper we were. [laughter] but i -- and i was a general assignment reporter and wrote obituaries and covered fires and police and covered a lot of municipal meetings that are probably still going on. [laughter] i went to the associated press in philadelphia and left journalism for a while in the mid '70s to teach effective writing seminars where i went around to corporations and tried to get people to stop writing please find the enclosed enclosure. and then i started writing a humor column -- well, i really started at the daily local news, but i kept writing it and got it in a few papers. and in the early '80s, started to get into some more papers and in 1983 "the miami herald" hired me, although i didn't want to move to miami, so i stayed in glen mills, pennsylvania, for three years. i was the miami herald's humor writer who didn't live in miami. but then started visiting miami regularly to do stories and actually kind of came to like it. and so in 1986 i moved to miami and have been there ever since. carl and i are going to talk about it, but it's really a good place -- if you want to be a humor writer. [laughter] it's an excellent place to go. anyway -- >> i was born in fort lauderdale, and i started in newspapers in 1974 in a small paper in central florida, came to the miami herald in '76. i was on the city desk, worked on the sunday magazine where dave and i crossed paths, and i worked on the investigations team for a few years. and then in 1985, started writing a column which i still write for them. having outlived all the editors and publishers who i've aggravated over the years. my career got started at this tiny paper in florida later became -- it was called cocoa today, and it layer was the prototype for something called "usa today" which is actually till around and you can read it -- still around and you can read it. this is how i knew i'd chosen the right -- one of my first assignments, there was a tv show called batman, and there's a guy named adam west who played batman. and this show had ended, and adam west was now doing sort of tours. he was on tour, and he would go to shopping malls and entertain kids, and so i got to go -- adam west was in town, and they sent me to interview him in a tiny little dressing room watching him try to fit into leotards. [laughter] and it was, i just thought this is, this is right as woodward and bernstein are cresting, the whole watergate thing is happening, and i'm sitting in this closet with adam west who's swearing like a sailor because he can't fit into this batman outfit. i thought, i've chosen the right business. this is where i'm headed. anyways, that's quick lu how -- and i went total herald in '76 and have been there ever since. and sort of as a hometown, south florida person. i mean, that seemed like the logical place to end up. and as dave said, there isn't a better news town or news place, i think, in the country. so, you know, the material is boundless. [laughter] >> the thing is, and carl's written amazing books set in florida, and it's something he's remarked on many times. it's so true. you cannot, you cannot make things up that are weirder than the things that are happening in your -- [laughter] i'll give you one example. we're going to give you more, but this always struck me as the one that if you wrote it in a book, the editor would tell you, no, this is ridiculous -- this involved a citizens crime watch meeting in homestead, florida, and the chief of police was addressing the citizens crime watch group. and they were reading outdoors. it was the inaugural meeting, so he was explaining how the police worked with the crime watch, and it's going really well right up until the chief of police is almost hit on the head by a 75-pound bale of cocaine falling from the sky. [laughter] now, it was a smugglers' plane coming over from the bahamas, and they were intercepted by a customs service jet, and they flung about 20 of these bales out. another one hit a church, and they dropped them all, and they finally forced them off in naples, so it set off a treasure hunt in the ever blades the next day. -- everglades the next day. [laughter] if you wrote a novel and had a scene where the chief of police was almost hit by cocaine in his citizens crime watch meeting -- [laughter] the critics would roast you, you know? >> the editor, first of all, would say, you know, just ridiculous, don't even put it in. nobody would believe it. i don't know about dave, but there were times when i've had to clip stories out of the herald and send them to my editors in new york to convince them that the fiction i'm writing is not so farfetched. [laughter] i remember this was years ago right when, right after the drug wars got started before sonny crockett came to miami. laugh the herald ran, and they tried to do it in a subdued and tasteful way, but the headline was, basically, courthouse hires voodoo staff. voodoo was in the headlines. and what was happening was people were -- because all these, there's sort of a religioning, semireligion in santa maria that involves animal sacrifice, and the courthouse every morning, they would find dead chickens and beheaded goats and things because somebody's trial was coming up, and they were trying to put a curse on the prosecutor, on the judge. they had to hire -- we didn't call them hazmat back then, it was just janitors willing to clean up dismembered animals. [laughter] and they had to have this staff so that when all the citizenry arrived at the dade county courthouse every morning, they wouldn't, they wouldn't be slick with blood. so the herald actually ran it, but we tried to write it like this happens, this happens everywhere, and we finally -- >> we don't want to -- [laughter] yeah. we don't want to offend -- >> we didn't want to offend the santa -- do you remember the story when, the guys got their own pr people, and they said they were going to try to make everyone think this was okay. >> they still do. >> then on the tv they had a tv crew in, they were going to show them, the efficacy and the humaneness with which they did animal sacrifice. [laughter] and it was, it was so -- the goat got loose in the middle of it. [laughter] it backfired. it was terrible. >> they still, i mean, it still is a strong market for goats in miami, and it's not because we eat them. [laughter] >> no, no. >> every now and then there'll be a car, like a camry, on the expressway with a bunch of goats in it, and the police will -- i'm not -- that still happens. >> it does still happen. >> that's not the only -- wildlife, we have a lot of wildlife. again, sort of interacts more with the citizens than you'd like in miami. my still favorite wildlife story involved these are two homeless guys were fishing in biscayne bay, and they caught a nurse shark, a six-foot-long nurse shark, and they decided they would sell it to -- there's a bunch of restaurants along the miami river, thought maybe -- why they thought they could sell it, but they did. they needed to get it over there, and they didn't have transportation, so they took the people mover which is a -- [laughter] high-tech thing we have in miami that goes around, and it's not really designed for marine life. [laughter] it's why we call it the people mover. but they, they got on, and it was rush hour, and i know all this because the person who was on the train was a friend of mine who started sending me pictures. she said there's a shark on the people mover, and it's not dead. [laughter] >> the shark was not in good shape, but -- >> it was kind of doing this. >> it was doing poorly. >> yeah. >> it didn't attack anybody, which is a shame really because that would have been the best miami -- [laughter] story of all. but they finally got it over, and nobody would buy the shark. the herald did a big story on this because they ended up leaving it on the streets of downtown miami, and there it was. and and we had this story where they talked about the merchants who showed up the next day, and they see this shark on the sidewalk. [laughter] not really near the water at all. and my favorite quote was the guy who said when i first saw it, i thought it was a body, so i was so relieved when it was just a shark. [laughter] it was a feel-good story. >> it was for miami. [laughter] i think my favorite animal story was the guy who was, he lived in a trailer park out in west dade near the reservations, and his neighbors kept calling the police except they weren't calling the police. they were calling the game wardens. i mean, they weren't -- they were for disturbances at his house. they knew something wasn't right, and when they'd get there, he says -- runs, comes to the door, and his shirt's all bloody, he's got puncture wounds, and they said, what's going on, can we come in? everything's fine. they said, everything's not fine, let us in. so they have to do a whole search, and it's a double wide, and it takes some time. they start at one end, they finally get to the master bedroom, and he's clearly nervous, and there's -- let me just say there's only one bed in the house. i'm setting the scene for you. and so they walk up to the bed, and they pull the covers off the bed, and there are two adult alligators in the bed. the only bed in the house. his room. [laughter] and so the affidavit was great, because it says the alligators were removed from the premises, quote, for their own protection. [laughter] now, dave knows this story. in any other state, even in california, even in california if that happens in your neighborhood be, whoever is caught with two alligators in their bed backs a u-haul up in the middle of the night, cleans out and leaves the neighborhood and hopes they stop talking about it. not in florida. this guy hires a lawyer. [laughter] and he sues to get his friends back. [laughter] and it takes two and a half years in the dade county -- well, maybe almost two years in the florida state court system before some appellate judge finally says, okay, this is going to end. there's no constitutional right to sleep with a reptile, a wild reptile. [laughter] it was under federal protection. and they had had to keep these poor gators in custody all these years in case the guy -- so the day the verdict comes down, the game wardens throw them in the back of a truck x they drive them way into the everglades to an undisclosed location because they didn't want this lovestruck guy -- [laughter] to go find them. it's true. again -- >> those were consenting adult alligators. [laughter] the current wildlife issue that we have in miami-dade county is burmese pythons which are these, carl's the expert on snakes, but they're large. >> they get big, about 16 feet, yeah. >> and they shouldn't be here, they should be in burma. [laughter] they're an invasive species. and what happens is people in south florida love reptiles. carl's one of them. [laughter] you, it's like starbucks down there. if you need a snake at 3:00 in the morning, there's a store in the area. >> you can find them. >> and so people get these things, and they have them in their condominiums, you know, and then at some point they run out of crack and go -- [laughter] we're living with a carnivorous reptile, we need to let him go. and you're out in the everglades which is disney world for them, and they reproduce like crazy. they have no natural enemies, there's thousands and thousands of them. anyway, the state of florida decided to get rid of them, and they come up with this thing called the python challenge. the fish and wildlife conservation commission held a competition to invite people from all over the world to come and kill our pythons. but you don't, i mean, that could be a problem, right? so you had to pay a fee of $25 -- >> there you go. that weeded to out a lot of real bad people. [laughter] >> and you had to take a short online course. [laughter] so you ask anybody who's ever dealt with dangerous animals how you learn to do that in a short on line course. [laughter] so i actually, i did, i went on -- the big thing with how you kill the python, and you would think, i would have thought the way to do it is to hack the python's head off, but, no. they're very strict. that's not how you're allowed to kill them because according to florida's state fish and wildlife conservation commission, if you cut the snake's head off, the snake keeps thinking. the brain is still working. they don't say what it's thinking. holy -- [laughter] so you have to destroy the brain of the python. so anyway, the first year -- now, keep the numbers in mind. the estimates range in the tens of thousands, how many pythons. some people say hundreds of thousands out there. we have people from all over the country come down for a month, and at the end of the month, the total was 68 dead pythons. [laughter] so i am not a biologist, but i'm assuming that at some time during that month a mother be python laid some eggs or whatever, produced a lot more. so the point is we lost the python challenge. >> we did. we lose it every year. and for the demographics, i just want you to picture lots of people arriving with snakes and machetes, and just for the demographic, if you held a duck dynasty look-alike contest, for example -- [laughter] and what you gave out is, was crystal meth in the beginning of the thing, then you've got yourself a python rodeo going on. [laughter] and every year they try something new, they alter it, and they lengthen the length of time, and every year there's a few pythons, but every female python, they lay up to 90 eggs. and they have no natural enemies. so this is a losing, losing cause. and i've told dave that one of the great -- every presidential year, it didn't happen last year, and i wish -- but usually presidential candidates come to florida, they do a photo op in the everglades. it's obligatory. there's a trail in everglades national park, and you pose on the boardwalk, and there's a chamber of commerce alligator, and this is to show how much you love the everglades because people in florida care about the everglades. if you're running for president, you've got to come down there. even jeb bush did this. >> yep. >> he did. he said, i love the everglades. but it's in the everglades. so you have these fantasies if you live in florida that right during one of these photo ops that just this huge, giant creature kind of just snatches right off the boardwalk -- [laughter] was it michelle -- who's the small one -- she was small enough. yeah, i think that's who my fantasy was, i think it might have been her. anyway, they're gone just like this, and you think that's the next step in the python invasion. and it is an invasion. >> i propose that we should -- if we're going to challenge a species, we should challenge one we could win against. i pick manatees. [laughter] yeah. no, we all love manatees, but they don't do well in florida because they're, first of all, they're not that bright. ing with all due respect. they are brighter than the boaters of florida. [laughter] who are really not bright at all. and they keep running into manatees, and they have all these, you know, no, slow down, manatee zone, gotta go -- and it never works. so the idea i came up with is if we can't slow the boaters down, let's speed the manatees up. [laughter] my idea was to put motors on the manatees so we could get up to 60, 70 miles an hour, and after a couple of boater ors are killed by high-speed manatees -- [laughter] speaking of humans, we should talk a little bit about one of the richest sources of humor in florida and especially dade county, miami-dade county is the political system we have down there. i proposed years ago that what we should do is after the election swear them in and indict them in one ceremony, because -- [laughter] we have the most amazing record. once there was a glorious period of about, i don't know, six years, whatever, when the two main political candidates, the two most powerful men in dade county were known as crazy joe and mayor loco, remember that? [laughter] >> yep. yeah. and they were fitting -- just maybe it was about two years ago, we had a two week stretch, you remember this, where three mayors were indicted of three separate municipalities in the space of two weeks. that's a tritech tar that even -- trifecta that even in my lifetime -- >> and it is, they get indicted, they get convicted, they go to jail, and they get reelected. [laughter] it's like the voters say this guy doesn't need any training, he can hit the ground running. [laughter] he's got his team in place, he's ready to go. [laughter] but mayor loco was xavier suarez, who actually i like, but he was known as mayor loco because while he was the mayor, this is just one thing he did. the herald described him as, what was the word, eccentric -- >> insane. >> yeah. [laughter] like, a lady wrote a letter, a retired city employee wrote a letter to the mayor criticizing something he had done. and his response was to go to her house at 10:30 at night and pound on her door. he wanted to respond to her. and because it was miami, she went and got her gun. [laugher] and as she told the herald, it has those bullets that do real damage. [laughter] so thank god she didn't open the door to the mayor, as i recall. >> right. >> he stood on the doorstep pounding, and she's inside with the gun -- >> and his aides are saying this really isn't a good idea at 10:30 at night, and she's in there put 'em in the chamber, and we came this close to having another mayor. the other crazy thing he did, he was pissed off at the herald for something i wrote with or the editorial board wrote, and he was so upset that he showed up in his bathrobe -- this that's right. >> -- in the lobby at about four in the morning because that's the first place the newspapers were delivered back when we had newspaper racks. they're these things that are made of paper and they have words on -- [laughter] you don't see them much anywhere, but they're around. he was waiting for the truck to drop it in his bathrobe. and there were people, security people are like on the phone, it's mayor loco. [laughter] i mean, but you can't, again, character better than anything -- we mentioned the guns. i've got to tell the roy black. roy black is a famous defense lawyer in south florida, and his partner -- >> oh, oh. this is the dog? >> yeah, the dog. this is great because i kind of stole this for one of the novels, a version of it. his partner gets home from work, and he's walking his dog in the neighborhood. be and another dog comes over -- >> yep. >> the neighbor's dog breaks off the leash and comes over, and there's a confrontation. being a lawyer in miami, of course, you carry a gun. so frank takes out -- [laughter] the two dogs are having a little confrontation, and frank just takes out his gun and blows away the neighbor's dog. finish he happens, luckily, to have his law partner, one of the most famous defense lawyers in the country. they undertake -- >> yeah. they tried to take away his -- they didn't want to put him in jail, they were just going to take his law license away for shooting this dog, and it was the trial of the century. >> roy sent helicopters up to do crime scene photos, they had reenactments, they had little tape where i guess the poor dog -- >> they did a psychological profile of the other dog. >> yeah, they did. [laughter] it was unbelievable. and all because -- and then this guy had -- but that is not the only lawyer shooting a dog story i have. >> oh, there's another one? >> yeah. another one i have, or there's a guy walking a dog, and a pit bug got away from a neighbor and latched on to his golden retriever, and he pulled out his weapon -- this is where i got the pit bull stuff. and be he shoots the pit bull, and it's dead, but it doesn't let go of his dog. and the golden retriever runs off down the street with the dead pit bull on its bag. they had to shoot the dog off the golden retriever. i had a lawyer tell me that, and the best participant of the whole thing is he's telling me as outrage over a pit bull story, and he said, wait a minute, you just pull out -- yeah, he has a briefcase and his gun getting out of the car. it was the most normal conversation in the world. of course i carry a gun at all times, why wouldn't i shoot the dog? anyway, it's, bingo, it's gone, it's over. >> i knew this woman who was a literary escort which means her job was when authors came to miami, she'd pick them up at the airport and take them around. and one time the author was cleveland amory, distinguished author. the publisher requested that she get a large vehicle for him, and so she picked him up and took him to the rental car place, and they were going to get a rental car. so she gets the rental car, as she's getting ready to leave, a man comes running up and grabs her purse and jumps out and runs over and gets in another car and starts driving, so penny gets out of the car and starts screaming, yelling. a man pulls to a stop next to them, pulls out a gun and fires several shots at the fleeing purse thief this his car -- in his car. doesn't hit him, jumps back in his car and drives off leaving penny with no purse and cleveland amory cowering on -- >> floorboards. [laughter] >> welcome to miami, you know? another, we don't always present the best face to tourists. although i had bumper stickers that said come back to miami, we weren't shooting at you. [laughter] in this story created quite a stir abroad. we had a german tourist at an airport hotel -- >> yeah.. >> -- he checked in, he spent the night, he comes down the next morning, and he's complaining there's a terrible odor in his room. he goes back to his room with the hotel person, they look under the bed, and there's a body under the bed. .. they are whining and complaining that this is 12 homicides. that's not fair. they were complaining bitterly. that was the face of the wild west. right through the roof. that was the best that ever happened. a lot of them are foreign tourist we been competing in b orlando. so in miami vice came the city fathers were really angry. it's maybe one and three. i also want to talk about the political system we did a story once it's kind of an issue has been raised by president trump in miami the herald decided to do a story on absentee voters. they turn turned out to be very easy to locate people who lived out of the city and redo a couple of other explanations the people were being called where they were voting in the city they don't like. i know this woman who has been voting for 13 years i know i should be doing but he just didn't want to feel -- forget my people in my blood. here's another one. the important things we do as a family together. when we moved i couldn't vote for the people i liked here. my favorite awareness felt more in tune than anything else. if you don't violate the law. most of the corruption we've have it down there has been municipal races. and often it's candidate themselves they don't live where they say they're going to. they are representing a district. the district. we talked about that. one of the things they discovered. they voted three times in one maryland election. not so much of that he didn't live in miami but that he wasn't even a life he was dead. that is a citizen there. or a big controversy in florida and around the country about balance and restrain the voting rights. who is better qualified to judge my any politicians than a felon. they are the most knowledgeable and informed voters that we have in south florida. the guys that go there. we were debating whether we were to talk politics or not. in the time we have i want to take some questions. shut them out if you have a question. there is a signal from the booth up there. some ninja thing. i think he said a bad word at one point. [inaudible] >> there was a friend of mine down in the keys. he had been broken into several times. and for reasons i can't go into. he was not allowed to possess a firearm at this point. he didn't want to get rid of it. he put in the freezer and i said why are you keeping that. i was huge. he said because if they break it again that's what i'm going to go after. they have some interaction with law enforcement in the past. he thought if he used the lizard and then get rid of it no one would believe that he had killed someone. when a hurricane come through. he have tied to the back of his bow. it is a true story. it happens. i can begin to tell you in sick up call is when it comes to wizard and snakes. when i got married. carl gave me as a wedding gift and egg and then tell him what happens. it wasn't easy to get the damn thing. but then michelle she killed the egg. just as a one tell her what it was. there are some laws. if he have a cage he would've been fine. what do you use most often. for me it is the realization if i don't come up with something else to write that i might may have to get a real job. it's been a lifelong motivated -- motivator for me. >> he would always say and that's it's a perfectly good question. my mortgage is my inspiration. it is sort of creative inspiration. i have to all you have to do is read the front page. it's not anymore. the whole state of florida is completely insane. they make you want to sleep with the lights on at night. it's good material for the next. one of our most famous residents. it's a situation that no novelist could have made up. he created what we have now. i think you get that from the daily step. but by and large the job damn peculiar when you think about it. the image they had is something just come to you and it's like the/. it's like that. except for stephen king. i don't know how he does it. it is pretty much torture for a lot of it. you use a room. a cousin with a stack. you have the audacity to think you are going to put words on it. someone's going to read it and enjoy it. and by nerve somewhere in your head you think you're gonna write something that juergen want to read. the worst thing can happen. when you're middle of the novel and you read a really good book you feel like a total imposter. you feel like it in adding a torch to the whole operation. that's why i don't read a lot of fiction when i'm writing fiction. it will send me over the edge. you write something and you think it's okay. and then 50 shades of gray comes out. and 90 trillion people buy it. i could've done that. i want to thank you both so much we've never been in a time where we needed laughter more. it's very sweet of you to say that. people will say when i'm feeling depressed and were together. and it made it feel so much better. i'm always grateful but deep in my heart i think i would still do it if it hurt you. i'll have any other useful skill. the cool thing about these festivals and we talk about this. we always complain in the wine about being on the road in away from their families but it's hard it's the only chance we get really to meet the people who read the books is it's a very isolated in lonely thing. you never know how good or bad it is when you're done. you start going to different cities and you start the start meeting people and getting the feedback. it is sometimes not a happy job to be doing but the rewarding thing is when you get the feedback and this is the only connection we really get. even working for the newspaper now unless you're a masochist and you want to read your e-mails or go on twitter ready for kids. they're very direct. i don't if you've ever done school group. were talking about their book. it is fun to talk. they are so slick and so smart. for them to be reading. we need at least a million in half. [inaudible] the question was it's very nice for the book. big trouble this is completely out of our hands. in the the way it works is it gives you money. as part of an exchange program. they send authors over. between the two things. and they asked me in st. petersburg they've a program where they show american movies to russians. and they asked me if i would bring big trouble over. and meanwhile i go to do these talks and one of the questions i would always sm is what we think that bothers you. they all said the same thing. they didn't like the gangster things. and we have that movie and i'm remembering the plot of the movie. and i realize there are two russians in the plot of the movie. i realize there gangsters. i have to get up in front of a bunch of russians. they were smart gangsters. one thing i just wanted to pass this along. if you ever go there. is the one thing i learned do not eat the mexican food. i say this what i later realized it was a what a nice chimichanga. i won't go into it. it was a long night for them. the ritz carlton. it was urine free. and i'd have anything to do with that. besides cashing the check have very little to do with striptease the movie. i went on the set. you realize all writers know when you turn in your books over to hollywood it's like turning them over to your kids over to the charles manson take care center. you go in with these very low expectations anyway. and you wish them the best. there is a couple projects already's kicking around. and sometimes the writers want to come talk and you say come talk. all you can do is be nice and help that they get it. and they sort of get it. and that the script turns out okay. in most cases the scripts do not turn out okay. and this stuff doesn't get made. were actually better off with a bad script not getting made of your book than one getting made and getting the money. then you still have to spend the rest of your life answering things like what did they do they do to your book. the books right here. the books good. you went to see something different entirely. but most of them are nice and they meanwhile. it's a tough thing. writing a good screenplay is really hard work. there has to be continuity. all of the things that i throw away when i sit down and write a novel. they have to be in the screenplay. we are at a time. thank you all for coming out. and thinks for waiting for us. [applause]. that was carl hudson and dave behr. the writers festival continues now with a panel the panel on the environment. with douglas brinkley. and theodore roosevelt the fourth. the great grandson to resident teddy roosevelt.