captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much! welcome to "nightly show." such a great audience tonight. i'm larry wilmore. we've got a great show for you tonight. the hilarious stars of "broad city" abbi jacobson and glaze here tonight. they are in the house very funny. tonight, so excited, we're going to talk about soccer. yeah yeah, hockey that ball-kicking game, and hopefully something scores in 90 minutes. ( applause ) all right so why am i talking about soccer? >> the u.s. justice deparment unsealed the massive 47-count indictment on wednesday, charging 14 soccer officials and sports marketing executives across the world with accepting bribes of more than $150 million. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: 150 million in bribes? funyun only give me $40. i haven't had funyuns in a while. ( applause ) the same speech by the governing body of world soccer was concerning the host city based on the highest bidder. there have been suspicious for years that there have been shading deals. >> fifa dogged by controversy in the past. >> larry: human rights i have lailingses like forcing people to play soccer in can tar. catar. the average temperature is 350 degrees. what was your second choice, oven roasting a chicken? the timing was interesting as it comes on the eve of the latest election for fifa president sepp blatter. that's right. that's the guy's name, sepp blatter. which is kind of weird because i've got a little corruption in my sepp blatter. ( applause ) so with all this scandal on him, i'm guessing mr. blatter is going to be looking for a new job? >> fifa's incumbent president sepp blatter regarded as one of the most powerful men in sport is expected to be elected to a fifth term. >> larry: now that is being dedicated to corruption. ( laughter ) all right, here to shed some more light on the controversy please welcome an international soccer ball. thanks for being here, soccer ball. >> thanks for having me, larry. >> larry: you are international. you know, i have to admit most americans don't know much about soccer. i mean we hear that you're fun put we're just not that in to you. you're like the "mindy project" of sport. >> audience: oooooh! >> please, call me football, larry because that's what i am. >> larry: i'll call you soccer. so what is your reaction to all these corruption charges? does it give your sport a black eye? >> i think it's fantastic, larry. we're finally getting the respect we deserve. >> larry: wait, respect? >> yeah, americans think about soccer what what what, once every four years when the world cup comes around. these corruption allegations were talked about on "morning joe," larry we're talking about soccer! >> larry: that's true. i hadn't thought. that. very good point. you don't mind the corruption because it's giving you some attention? >> no, it's old. you know what else is going to give us attention playing in one of the hottest places on earth. qatar. do you know how much attention that will be? it's like playing super bowl in the south pole. you have to get your corruption cards right. >> larry: i guess i get your point. >> keep the sacred super bowl out of your mouth, you filthy euro-trash ball. if i hit nut numbers with it. >> the master orator has arrived. >> you believe this guy, larry! you know nothing about scandal. the nfl can teach lessons in scandal. >> larry: you know, he's right. i mean they've got domestic abuse, child abuse abuse abuse. >> thank you, larry. u.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! >> larry: no, guys, that's nothing to be proud of. >> you want corruption, three word de-flate-gate. ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: i'm not sure that's three words jiecialg oh,. >> put a cork in it. fifa has been entrenched in global corruption for 44 years. >> deflated. i was deprived of oxygen. they stuck a need nel me. a needle! >> they stick needles in all of us, you idiot. and you could use a little less oxygen. look at you all fat in the middle. no wonder americans love you. >> larry: hold ohold on hold on! >> i said it! >> larry: come oamericans aren't that over-- well, what were you going to say? >> look, at least our football is played with our feet unlike these concussed aired heads. >> stop it. all right look, you have corruption. we have our corruption but the reason we're better is because we keep playing like nothing ever happened. that's what makes us superior. that and we don't use your stupid metric system! >> oh! oh! ( applause ). >> oh that, that, that really stings mate. i'm just going to lie here and writhe-- i'm just kidding. it doesn't bother me at all. i was flopping. >> larry: you know both of you should be embarrassed about the corruption in your sports? >> not at all. soccer is a multibillion-dollar juggernaut larry. >> why don't you just be naut? >> it's football. >> larry: you're both equally wonderful sport, worthy of respect, and filled with corruption. >> thank you, larry. >> thank you. >> larry: you're welcome. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) and when you bundle your home and auto insurance through progressive, you'll save a bundle! [ laughs ] jamie. right. make a bad bundle joke a buck goes in the jar. i guess that's just how the cookie bundles. now, you're gonna have two bundles of joy! i'm not pregnant. i'm gonna go. [ tapping, cash register dings ] there you go. 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( cheers and applause ). >> larry: welcome back. anyhow, i fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up to this nightmare. seeb has found a new way to exploit the under-privileged for the sake of ratings. it's called "the briefcase." >> what would do you if $101,000 landed on your doorstep? >> larry: okay speaking as a black man, i would think 100k at my front door was a total setup. i'm just saying. i don't trust, that all right. i just don't. something's there. not good. ( applause ) but, sorry i interrupted. pleads continue your pitch. >> each week two deserving families that have been dealt a tough hand will be given a brie case with $101 inside. >> but there also is a decision. >> larry: no, "but there also is a decision." just let these nice hardworking down-on-your-luck people keep their money. i get it. it only lasts five minutes, but it's a good show. what jedi head games does this show have in store for america's most vulnerable? >> there also is a decision. >> you can keep all of the money. you can keep some of the money. or you could choose to give all of the money away. >> if you decide not to keep it all, whatever is left is going to help another family who may be in as much need, or maybe more than you guys. is there more needy? who is the other family precious and mo'nique? i mean, god lord. okay, "briefcase" let's see who's needy and ceend of faking it. >> meet bergin family. after getting laid off from his sales job at the age of 40, joe bergin was at a loss for how to provide for his wife, kim and their three teenaged daughter glz oh, man, that's awful. yeah, this guy, he kind of deserves the money. >> meet the bronsons. dave is an iraq war hero. he lost his leg after a roadside bomb detonated near his tank. >> larry: ( bleep ) that other guy. forget what i said. hold on. are you kidding me! legless vet? legless vet gets it. it's not even close. i know they've got to raise the stakes somehow. >> both of you were given a briefcase with $100,000 cash, and have been deciding on whether to share any money with each other. >> larry: unbelievable. they're pitting pitting two poor families against each other making them feel guilty about helping somebody for our entertainment? man, this show makes bum fights look downright uppity. here to shet shed some light on this is reality producer, xander mccool. ( cheers and applause ) xander thanks for joining us. you're a reality producer right. so what do you think about this condescending show pitting poor people against each for money? >> i mean, i think i wish i'd thought of it. un what i mean? right now, there is no better group to make money off of than the poor. there's no better group. >> larry: hold on. the poors. why would you want to explode exploit the poor? >> because people love it. i mean, larry this goes back to ancient rome, the gladarties. they were sliefs. >> which is why we don't live in ancient rome? >> but don't we? don't we, larry? is there no, we don't. >> larry, i'm going to bring out the charts. we're going to follow the market trends. see this british anything. sexy 20 something singing stuff. they're all down like 300% right now. if you go over here, look at this toig with the poor. look at this. look, it's so off the charts. >> larry: no, no. ( applause ). >> larry: no, no no. >> i needed a whole other chart. >> larry: i don't care what kind of chart you need. don't you have any compassion? >> these poors are cash machines which is really funny because they're too poor to need an an a.t.m. >> larry: that is not funny. >> i'm hearing some feedback. probably the jet engine. i don't know. it's funny because it's true larry. >> larry: no, it's sad because it's true. >> lawyer woorks we'll have to agree to disagree. larry, here's the deal-- the lower the income the higher our profit. in fact i just pitched the sickest show to spike. it's called "hobo baby swap." we take two hobo babies, we take them away from your hobo parents, and we swap them, and we raise them tithey're like 10, and then we bring them back oh, what happened! "hobo baby swap." >> larry: hobo babies. >> that's money in the bank. ( laughter ). >> larry: that's one of the worst ideas i've ever heard-- raising children already is the >> oh, you like ultimate challenges. i just sold this to nbc. it's called "the ultimate challenge." a pregnant lady without health insurance, all right, she's super poork obviously. and a three-legged bunny goes in. one comes out with a new leg! the ultimate challenge. >> larry: go in? go in where? to do what? >> i'm not going to tell you that larry. i don't want to spoil it. it's gold, baby. >> larry: by the way, are you on an airplane? where are you going? >> i'm not just on an airplane, i'm on a g6. i'm gog hate tow whip up a fresh idea. my brain turns out gentlemens. i have-- gems. i have britain idea tourettes. >> larry: what's the brilliant idea you have. >> everyone is going to love this. it's called "haitian divorce." two people in haiti who are totally in love. we make them get divorced. ( laughs ). >> larry: why are you doing that in haiti? >> who is poorer than the haitians. >> larry:haitians. >> larry: xander mccool, everybody. ushing listerine® total care helps prevent cavities strengthens teeth and restores tooth enamel. it's an easy way to give listerine® total care to the total family. listerine® total care. one bottle, six benefits. power to your mouth™. and for kids starting at age six, listerine® smart rinse delivers extra cavity protection after brushing. shopping online... ...is as easy as it gets. wouldn't it be great if hiring plumbers carpenters and even piano tuners... were just as simple? thanks to angie's list now it is. start shopping online... ...from a list of top rated providers. visit angieslist.com today. after a long day of doing man stuff, me and fellas trust dial for men power scrub to give us a clean we can be proud of. over engineered with unstoppable orange oil and micro scrubbers [band]: unstoppable it leaves us honkingly gorgeous. dial for men. proudly over engineered. happy anniversary dinner, darlin' can this much love be cleaned by a little bit of dawn ultra? oh yeah. one bottle has the grease cleaning power of two bottles of this bargain brand. a drop of dawn and grease is gone. when kevin jorgeson needs light, he trusts only duracell quantum because it lasts longer in 99% of devices. when you're tired, a great tasting 5-hour energy is just the thing. but what if you're tired and thirsty? w-water. precisely! delicious and refreshing. ♪ ♪ wow, that tastes amazing. that's really good. drink it straight or sip it slow. have you tried great tasting 5-hour energy lately? hey, you want to share a cab? no, i'm good. ♪ music plays love you by the free design ♪ ♪ attendant: welcome back. man: thank you. it's not home. but with every well considered detail . . . it becomes one step closer. no wonder more people. . . choose delta than any other airline. with xfinity from comcast you can manage your account anytime, anywhere on any device. just sign into my account to pay bills manage service appointments and find answers to your questions. you can even check your connection status on your phone. now it's easier than ever to manage your account. get started at comcast.com/myaccount ( cheers and applause ). >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel, "nightly show" contributor zell. ( cheers and applause ) and the very funny ladies on "broad city," abbi jacobson and ilana glazer. very funny. before we start, i gotta say it doesn't feel quite right to be at a desk with the stars of "broad city." you guys are so chill and relax. it seems a bit formal. this seems like a great time to finally use the "nightly show" lounge in cool millennial hangout area hosted by larry wilmore. it's for cool peers like this. shall we? >> yes. >> larry: yeah! ( applause ) all right! come on over, ladies. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, yeah. >> larry: this is better. >> thank you so much. ( applause ) this is a lot for the. >> larry: feels better doesn't it? >> yes. >> yes. >> larry: it smells like axe body spray and red bull over here. what's up, tim? he's asleep upon. dont worry about him. >> i feel like i got bed bugs. >> look at this a double? >> larry: i know, cool. >> a double bag over there. >> larry: let's get to our first topic we? so we mentioned this breast feeding thing. there is a thing-- a controversy about breast feeding. i think kathie lee and hoda were talking about. you watch kathie lee and hoda. >> those are my people. >> larry: and they were talking about pem who are oversharing breast feet feeding photos on instagram. >> there are two types of people, hoda-- those who feel the need to share their most precious moments and those who like to keep them private, which i prefer. god bless us all. >> i say breast feeding is beautiful and natural, but sharing it on social media? t.m.i. >> larry: that was just bizarre. >> know. you're scared to say it so your emojis are saying it? >> larry: yeah, what was up with that? breast feeding isn't awkward enough. now we'll have cartoon characters talk about it. do you guy-- anybody have a problem with women breast feeding in public? how about that first? >> nope. >> i love it. >> i've never been mad at a titty, larry. >> larry:larry. i can't remember being angry at a titty. >> i have. >> larry: you don't care. >> you've been mad at a titty? >> you in particular. >> larry: one of the issues is people aren't just doing it in public, which is fine. i don't have a problem with that. but then they're sharing it on instagram, which seems a little over the top. yeah now my titties are going to be out feeding a baby on instagram. >> it's like-- >> it's getting in the way of like, what twerking videos? >> i know, who cares. >> larry: nobody cares? >> i want to know what they're captioning. >> that's like-- people take pictures of their food and it's a baby having its meal. >> larry: that's a good point. ( applause ). >> it's original food porn. there we go. original food porn. >> larry: does anybody think it's narcissistic? >> i think the internet is narcissistic. i'm surprised that anybody is surprised. you know what i mean? it's all porn. instagram is porn. tell them to stop following them. >> larry: no. okay, so we all think it's coom cool? what do you think? >> i'm cool with it. ( applause ) >> thumbs up. thumbs up. let's go to the next one. everybody is with breast feeding on instagram. cool. we just had the national spelling bee-- i'm just a little hungry. this is kind of cool you guys. before tonight indian american students have won for the last seven years in a row. they're crushing it. >> yeah. >> larry: and some people have made these racist comments on facebook saying the kids in the spelling bee should only be american. >> first of all, they are american. >> larry: yes! when did we become racist about spelling bees? >> this year, i guess. ( laughter ) >> do they only spell american words? >> yeah, they're american kid. they're american kids in texas. >> larry: why would people be upset about that? i don't get it. the other thing is-- let me ask you this-- is it okay to feel that certain groups can do things good? >> 100%! it's insane. >> larry: is it racist to say a group can do something good? but, ricky would it be wrong to say, indians, those ( bleep ) can spell. >> no! ( applause ) >> larry: you don't have a problem with that? that's true? >> when you're like-- i need somebody to help me spell. you know what i mean. >> larry: who you gonna call? you're going to call the indian ghostbusters. >> who do you need for spelling, now we know. it's efficient. >> if you're gog get a deck built on your house and five hasidic jews show up to build it. you are going to call jose. >> >> larry: are positive stereotypes okay? >> it's better than a negative stereotype. >> larry: exactly. >> it's on the way to being better. >> i guess some people feel pigeonholed but it's also like do you fit the stereotype? we'll hire you, to finish deck or whatever it is. >> but larry, you're black. you have the big dick stereotype. i don't have that. that's not what they gave us. >> larry: no, but we always-- look, look-- >> i'm puerto rican. >> larry: don't feel my big dick. how about that? ( laughter ) we'll be right back. 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( cheers and applause ) ghntly everyone. yeah! taj: the legendary van wilder was my mentor. he enabled me to become the king of cool at coolidge college, thanks to his many insightful life lessons, like, "two's company "and three is only good if there's no class the next day." i'm now going to england to take the path of another great man, my father and continue my academic studies at camford university. after pursuing my degree in history, i'll go ahead and get a minor in major [...] munching. you're not listening to anything i'm saying are you? not a word, mr. minor- in-major-[...]-munching. flight attendant: chicken or fish? yes, i'll have the chicken please. enjoy your meal. thank you very much. you're welcome. all right. flight attendant: chicken or fish?

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