Well, then get an aids test, thompson, cause your wifes a dude, faggot. Yeah, im back [mouse squeaking] captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com [ dallas theme music ] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause from austin, texas. A city so liberal a guitar can marry a cowboy boot. Its the daily show coverage. Goes to the one part of texas where we wont get shot at. [ applause ] p jon thank you thank you so much welcome to the show thank you so much. Wow, what an honor to be here in austin, texas only open carry ebola state in the union. We are thrilled to be here in austin. We have a nice week planned. The midterm elections, wendy davis is here. [ cheering and applause ] really the big story in the country continues its perverse obsession with a virus that none of us who has not had direct contact with an ebola patient has gotten. Our coverage starts with samantha bee where it all started in dallas, texas. [ cheering and applause ] i got to ask you, currently theres no active ebola cases, how did dallas finally get on top of things . Well, jon, dallas officials tried every texas solution they could think of. They shot at ebola. They gave it the death penalty. They prayed for the virus. In a way that the virus found patronizing, felt bad. All they needed to do was just get their [bleep] together. Jon right now as far as youve heard dallas is okay. Well, relatively okay. Because, well, theres no more ebola dallas is still a wasteland of big hair and stupid belt buckles, am i right . Of course right now new york city is dealing with its first case for more were going out to aasif mandvi in new york. In new york whats the story, aasif . The story, jon . Jon thats right. The story is when i said id stay here in new york ebola was in texas. [ applause ] but now that everyone but me is in texas, ebola is in new york jon so you are saying what im saying is bleep bleep bleep jon always good to have him back. We also wanted to check in on austins own ebola preparation, jessica will exams is at the capitol city at the ip february husband disease facility. At least i think youre there. Thats where i am. But like every other place in austin the Infectious Disease ward is also an espresso bar. Jon jessica, based on your [ cheering and applause ] i know youve been doing a lot of boots on the ground reporting could ebola strode austin. From dallas, oh, yeah, jon. Austin going to pick up something after dallas. No, jon, no. Austin sets the trends, dallas finds out about them five years later. [ cheering and applause ] jon theres no way ebola makes it . Doesnt need to. Austin already brewing its own locally stored, organic, cage free jon whats that . Whats wrong . What do you think wrong i got the ebola. Jon are you sure . What else could it be . Ever since i got to austin ive had nash a, fever, sweating, profusely, intestines feel like the inside volcano. Jon calm down, jordan. Retrace your steps. Since you got to austin where have you been . Right before the show was eating brisket at a food truck. Before that had this amazing pulled pork also from a truck. This morning was breaks ribs from the trunk. And last night at the airport when i stepped off the plane they adorned me with this barbecue lai. Jon jordan, i think i know what is wrong. I dont think you have ebola i think you have the meat sweats. Or maybe maybe im not eating enough meat. Jon no, jordan, dont do that. What are you doing . Jon youre in a quarantine zone. What are you doing . Selling barbecue. I can smell those little bastards all the way. Jon youre in dallas. How did you get there from no all right. Jordan, jessica, samantha, well be right back. Be right back. Come on gang. Work those thighs. Now, now do this. Whats my name . [ women ] Johnny Jamboogie hey man, eat a snickers. Why . cause youre johnny football. Better . Better. [ male announcer ] youre not you when youre hungry snickers satisfies. [ male announcer ] youre not you when youre hungry ias the people of this , little belgian town waited for the crowning moment nature had other plans but. With the help of the masters of the artois brewery a new star was born stella artois. Originally brewed as a beautiful holiday gift. For the people of leuven, belgium. There are more reasons than ever why now is the best time to be on verizon. One verizons the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in the country. Thats right america. With xlte in over 400 markets. Two and heres something for families to get excited about. Our best pricing ever get 2 lines with an incredible 10gb of data to share for the low price of 110 or just 140 for a family of 4 and three get 150 credit for every line you switch. The more you switch, the more you get. Verizon. Jon all right, texas. Let me give you your propers. Did a nice job handling your ebola. Got your hospital care together eventually. Now that ebola is in new york city we can let the big dogs show you how we handle an african blood virus. The ebola case is more than ebola in the big apple. Ebola in new york city tonight could it also be in new jersey. It arrived via a doctor. Was the doctor contagious when he went bowling. Who knows whether i used the bathrooms. Came down with 10 fever. This disease is fierce. Did his actions put the public at risk . See, calm, cool and catch that doctor and kill him all right, i guess in new york lost our heads for a second. Jon a doctor who6 treat eba cases got himself ebola and [bleep] his way through the sex and the city tour in manhattan with 103 degree fever. We were told yesterday that it was 10 it was actually 100. 3. Jon didnt anyone treating him double check it and see . That he had a fever of 100. 3 . Because from the looks of it this man is all right. So maybe nice to have an older audience. All right. So maybe this doctor gallivanted around the city, how much gallivanting could one guy with ebola do in just a day or two . Tuesday spencer felt sluggish. The next day feeling well enough for a three mile jog stopping at Blue Bottle Coffee on the high line and the meatball shop in greenwich village. Then taking the subway from manhattan to brooklyn. Visiting a Bowling Alley called the gutter. Jon why is ebolas guys life so much more interesting. Jogging, meatballs, bowling. Thats not a patient history thats a profile. If you got a fever for love. Who knows how many innocent new yorkers this man infected in that, albeit, awesome day. If you werent going to get ebola. [ laughter ] jon i think i need to call my doctor. [ applause ] jon that joke intimated that i [bleep] the ebola doctor. All right. Maybe the disease less dangerous and devastating that the media has led us to believe im sure the local authorities are taking a mesh usualed approach. Governors now mandating a 21 day quarantine for travelers in to the u. S. Considered high risk. Female Health Care Worker returning from africa who took care of ebola patients was placed on legal quarantine. Governor chris crist tee said that he is ill. First of all i dont think hes a doctor. And secondly hes never laid eyes on me. And thirdly, i have been asymptomatic. She has time to reflect shell understand. Jon why does christie has to be a dick about everything. He cant just all right, you did the quarantine, he cant just quarantine he has to be like youre a doctor without borders, not any more, get in the [bleep] room. You self sacrificing angel of mercy pc [bleep] i got your altruism right here. This woman put her life on the line to help dying patients. I at least hope every effort is being used to make her comfortable. Says he plans to file a federal lawsuit if shes not released soon. Were told its unheated, with no shower and only a box for a toilet. Jon i got to say, no heat, no shower and a [bleep] box. Most new yorkers would be like, whats the Square Footage . Whats the rent . [ applause ] ill take it. All right. So maybe the quarantine is a bit of an over reaction. Or as our freedom personal libertylovin Congress Calls it, government underreach. We need to look at travel bans. Something like a Forward Operating base have people report 21 days before theyre to leave the country. They wait for people no close than six feet. Doctor, you can get ebola sitting next to someone upon a bus if they in fact throw up on you, cant you . [ applause ] doctor, let me ask you this, what if you are yawning, guy runs up throws his ebola diarrhea right in your mouth. Jon ebola in the mouth, boom. What are you going to do then . All right. I stand corrected. I guess quarantine and travel bans are the best way to fight the disease. The idea of a blanket quarantine for people who come back could possibly have a negative consequence of essentially disincentivising people to go there. The best way to protect americans is stop the epidemic in africa we need those Health Care Workers to do that. Jon shut up, science. What is wrong with us . We were the home of the free. Or does the song go, or the land of the free . Unless you have a fever . In which case we prefer you get the [bleep] out of here. Heres how truly pathetic we are. Here is how calmly theyre reporting on ebola on the ghana broadcasting, two small countries over from ebola land. Found on isolated cases of ebola as part of the disease. Jon of course that lady common informational shes in ghana. Ebola would have to go all the way through the ivory coast to get to her. She doesnt need to panic. You know what, perhaps ebola is teaching us an ironic yet relevant lesson. Submitting for your approval. A nation with an outbreak. [ laughter ] i dont have time for the real virus outbreak. Is here. [ laughter ] i miss you so much. Well be right back. Unleash the holidays at tmobile with a tablet on us right now when you get a new data plan you can also get our most popular 7 inch tablet. Thats right on us. So get to tmobile, get a new data plan, and get a tablet on us. Quiero matar [laughter] yeah [laughter] ohhh. Oooh how did they do that . What . thats what im talkin about for over 150 years, the bacardi family has made the worlds most awarded rum. Bacardi untameable since 1862. [ cheering and applause ] jon tonight, texas state senator and democratic gubernatorial candidate for texas, please welcome to the program, state senator wendy davis. [ cheering and applause ] how are you . There we go. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Jon would you prefer to stand i know you like to stand. Im fine. Jon how long was your rose toe prominence on a National Level with fill buster, 13 hours . Just under 13 hours. Jon 13 hours against some legislation going on in the texas. Thats right. And i was texas senate. It passed unfortunately in a special session. It resulted in exactly what we feared, almost all of the Womens Health centers that provided that constitutionally protected medical care closed. Jon theres no way to gain that back . Can austin do sort of a planned parenthood food truck thing for everybody . Get a taco and a i dont know how they can do it. They can do something. Unfortunately the Supreme Court stepped in, they halted some of those closures we have had some reopen and well continue to fight the fight. Jon the Supreme Court does a lot around here. You know, the voter i. D. Law that was they passed voter i. D. Law, federal courts i found found itunes constitutional, the Supreme Court said, yeah, their so used to it now. And they did not put a stay its estimated that i think 650,000 to 700,000 texans were disenfranchised. Thats correct. My opponent, who is the attorney general, is defending [ audience reacts ] jon theyre thought booing their saying abood. He is defending what is of course intended to suppress that. And District Court after hearing a full trial on this issue found that it was the modern day version of a poll tax, which it is. Because so many people dont have the underlying documentation to be able to get that photo i. D. And be able to vote. Jon Something College i. D. Is not okay but a gun permit is. Welcome to texas. Jon it surprised me youre having a tough campaign. You guys are down a little bit. In the rest of the state, so you say that here and in austin and everybodyless, boo, in the rest of the state they go, yeah. For voter i. D. How conservative a place is texas and what is the demographic . Weve heard a lot about its flippin blue but it looks like it aint even flippin like a cool azure its not even whats going on . It really on its way. What we have suffered from here for quite awhile is two decades of republican led redistrict can that have created very purely drawn republican districts and few very truly drawn democratic ones. So all of the conversation and elections take place during primaries. It was one of the reasons i was so committed to this race. Making sure that we were going to force in to a general election a real conversation about the things that really matter to people and invite texans to decide whether this Republicanled Legislature truly is reflective of the things that they care about like making sure that their schools are funded after they jon what do they do five and half billion. I was shocked when they said they were trying to cut 5. 5 billion from education in texas i had no idea you spent anywhere near that. [laughter] stick around for a little bit . Were going to throw a little bit more. Getting to be afraid, which is probably wont be the title of my [ laughter ] state senator wendy davis. When pizza hut made their biggest menu change in over fifty years, we went to italy to get the inion of the experts. So argentina, are you ready to change pizza . No theyve redefined pizza with six bold sauces and ten new crust flavors. This not pizza its pretty cool that there are over twenty new ingredients, right franco . Too many. Oh do you like the salted pretzel crust . Its good i know oh get a pair of pizzas, classic or new, for six ninetynine each. The flavor of now menu. Get it at pizza hut dot com. Fastacting advil is designed with an ultrathin coating and fast absorbing advil Ion Core Technology stopping headaches and other tough pain. Fast. Relief doesnt get any better than this. Advil. You exercise. You choose the salad. Occasionally. But when it comes to staying well physically, financially, emotionally going it alone is hard. So cigna has your back and your knees 24 7. In sickness and in health. Answering your questions. Giving you come coaching. Helping you get well, and stay well. Thats having a partner. Whos with you all the way. Cigna. In order for a