Jon thats our show. Here it is your moment zen. Your job is to keep him under control this morning. If he runs stephen tonight, a gitmo inmate faces trial. Or has a birthday party. Not sure, it was redacted. Then, john kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really taken a toll on hillary clinton. [laughter] and my guest Paola Antonelli is a curator at the museum of modern art. Ill ask her to exit through the gift shop. [laughter] its chuck hagels first day as secretary of defense. Tomorrow we start the twomonth confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. Please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and applause] folks [cheers and applause] if you watch this program, and i certainly hope that you do, you know that if nothing else im a company man. And i could not be prouder that this show is a profitmaking tsunami for my Parent Company viacom. [laughter] make no mistake, i am the reason ceo Philippe Daumann can afford his daily saffron and rosewater scrotum dips. [laughter] fresh as a daisy, sir. Fresh as a daisy. [ laughter ] so when corporate calls and says, steveo we need a sponsor integration for halls mentholyptus on your show tonight, i say, am i contractually obligated to . They say, yes. I say, then i love it. [laughter] of course, i have to protect my reputation as a newsman. I cant be selling my name to the highest bidder. So instead im selling my interns name. Halls, get out here [cheers and applause] so, how does it feel to be americas numberone cough drop, halls . My name is jay. Stephen not anymore. [laughter] okay, ive already filed paperwork to legally change it. So my legal name is halls mentholyptus . Stephen well, technically, its halls mentholyptus with triple soothing action presents jay the intern. [laughter] does this mean i get paid now . Stephen absolutely youre getting paid in an intense, upward cooling of the nasal passages that you can feel when you take a breath. Do i get health care . Stephen what do you think this is . Thats right. [cheers and applause] okay. Now say it. I dont want to. Stephen say it let the cool in. [laughter] stephen whats that, halls . Let the cool in. [laughter] stephen yeah, let it in. [laughter] that wasnt so hard, was it . Halls mentholyptus with triple soothing action presents jay the intern, everbody [cheers and applause] folks, were still fighting the war on terror by the way, naming rights still available. Call me velveeta. [laughter] and the war on terror just turned 12 years old, which explains why its so into controlled planes. [laughter] into remote controlled planes. [ laughter ] but my favorite thing about our endless borderless war against an emotional state is our prison at guantanamo bay. Even though many have wanted to see gitmo closed, including president obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. Its the radio shack of the war on terror. [laughter] if you follow the news closely, you are probably unaware that gitmo is currently hosting the trial of 911 mastermind khalid sheik mohammed. For godsake, khalid, youre appearing in court comb your shoulders [laughter] now one reason you may not have heard about it is that not the easiest trial to cover. First, because its not really a trial. Its a oneofakind military tribunal designed by president bush, implemented by president obama, and inspired by president kafka. [laughter] see, reporters are not allowed in the courtroom. They have to watch the trial from behind soundproofed glass and hear the proceedings on a 40second delay. And to protect National Security, the judge or a Security Officer in the courtroom can hit a mute button which shuts off the audio to the reporters and indicates this by making a red light on the judges bench spin. The red light also indicates that all dress shirts and mens slacks are 20 off. But on january 29th, the red light turned on and cut the audio, but and this is the fun part neither the judge, nor the Security Officer had done it, causing the livid and confused judge to say, quote note for the record, that the 40second delay was initiated not by me. If some external body is turning things off, if someone is turning the commissions off under their own view of what things ought to be, with no reason or explanation, then we are going to have a little meeting about who turns that light on or off. [laughter] [cheers and applause] and while youre at it, find out who put the dimmer switch on habeus corpus. [laughter] now, the governments prosecutor said she could explain who was doing it but not in open session. Ooo oo i think i know can i solve the puzzle . lets see ahuum. Well, whoevers doing it, its got the defense lawyers worried that someone might be listening to private communications between them and their clients at the defense table. Cmon, i realize these military tribunals are a little unconventional in that they may not be covered under the geneva conventions but its paranoid to imagine that the government is eavesdropping on you at the defense table. Theyre eavesdropping on your attorneyclient meeting rooms. [laughter] hey, they say justice is blind, but they never said shes deaf. [laughter] [cheers and applause] okay, so the whole things being spied on and controlled by unseen forces. Big deal. Its just like survivor, except in this case, no one gets voted off the island. But folks, i can understand that for many this trial has lost its legitimacy. So i say we do the ethical thing and let the detainees go free. Then hunt them down with flying death bots. [laughter] here to shed light on whats going on at gitmo until his mic is cut by unseen forces is former acting solicitor general of the United States and lead counsel for the gitmo detainees in hamdan v. Rumsfeld neal katyal. Neal good to see you again. Thanks for coming on. [cheers and applause] all right. First of all, watch what you say, i have a feeling that there are cameras and microphones pointed at us. Do we know what is going on down at gitmo . What is controlling the switch now . We dont. We dont know who is controlling the switch. The judge didnt know. That was the most amazing. Stephen seemed to come as a surprise to him. Yes. Stephen its a military judge and they said they have no idea where the microphones are coming from. Its outrageous. It reminds me. The only precedent for it is the soviet constitution or iranian constitution. Stephen were nothing like the old soviet union. We dont have gulags in sigh beera. We have gulags in he is stonea. [ laughter ] is it ultimately such a bad thing. These guys are guilty. [ laughter ] do you not believe ksm is guilty . I believe he is likely guilty and thats what trials are all about. Stephen the thing with trials is sometimes people are found innocent. Thats the one flaw with our justice system, i believe. [ laughter ] the. The beautive trial system is that it gives leg matcy and it says this prosecution made a lot of sense. They are like baseball and steroids. At this point even if the prosecutors hit it out of the park theres an the as terrific saying wait there were secret mike phones and. Stephen its an exciting game. Maybe you sell a lot of memorabilia. What do you think they are hiding with the kill switch . Heaven knows. A lot of time its not protecting security its protecting peoples reputations or other things. Its not a National Security thing. One time a detainee wrote to his attorney and the government classified it for two months and all it said was lebron james should apologize to the citizens of cleveland for move together miami heavment it it took two months to declassify that. Stephen why are we not hearing about this trial . This is the trial of century, definite it will the war of century and this is the guy when started. These are the people accused in the worst crimes in the world. Steve what happens with gitmo from now on. 150, 160 guys you. Is it stand out prison. Are they there foamp now . The government has tried seven people in 11. 5 years and even those convictions have mostly been reversed. So it looks like those people will stay and not be tried which is the real injustice. The victims of 9 11 zervet trials and real trials and beef never been able to pull it off. Stephen is it just going to turn into a terrorist retirement snoam. Looks like stephen its a beautiful location. It is. Thage ghanas are very nice d the iguanaas are very nice. Phph stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] nation thank you. [cheers and applause] earlier this month john kerry was sworn in as secretary of state, an announcement that was met with a resounding, yeah, okay. [laughter] and on sunday, he embarked on a tenday, ninenation marathon that i was surprised to see did not include his homeland of easter island. [laughter] but in germany, i was proud to see he made the case for american greatness. People have sometimes wondered about why our Supreme Court allows one group or another to march in a parade even though its the most provocative thing in the world and they carry signs that are an insult to one group or another. The reason is, thats freedom. Freedom of speech. In america you have a right to be stupid. [laughter] stephen yes. [cheers and applause] yes. In this country were endowed. With the inalienable right to be stupid. Its right there in the constitution between the penis doodle and the ranch dressing stain. [laughter] [cheers and applause] and john kerry doesnt just talk the dumb talk, he walks the dumb walk. Because heres what he said last week. The brave employees of state in usaid the Diplomatic Security personnel who protect the civilians serving as overseas work in some of the most dangerous places on earth. They support Democratic Institutions in kyrgyzikstan in georgia. Stephen yes, kyrgyzikstan. Kyrgyzikstan it does not exist. Kerry was actually referring to kyrgyzstan and accidentally mixed it up with its neighbor kazakhstan. I mean, kyrzakhstan . Course, hes gotten some ribbing in the press for making up a new country. And its well deserved. I mean, how could anyone ever confuse kazakhstan with its neighbor kyrgyzstan . [laughter] sure, both countries enjoy fermented horse milk, and they both sleep in yakhide yurts [laughter] but Everybody Knows in kyrgyzstan, they play a fretless stringed instrument called the qomuz which is nothing like kazakhstans dombra, also a fretless stringed instrument, [laughter] but with a slightly thinner neck. [laughter] and what are you going to do, kerry . Go to downtown bishkek and try to use a bunch of tenge to buy a new kalpak . [laughter] not without first exchanging it into soums. Youre not what a maroon quit embarrassing yourself, kerry. Like bai, the imperious rich man of khazakh folklore who was tricked into trading his warm coat for one full of holes by the beguiling aldar kose. Am i right . [cheers and applause] i mean, what an idiot. [ laughter ] well be right back. Xle 0brhaierqajei i g gggg bn [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight has curated a new exhibition at moma that includes 14 video games. I saw a very similar exhibition at chuck e. Cheese. Please welcome Paola Antonelli [cheers and applause] thanks so much for coming on. Ciao. How are you . Im fine, how are you . Stephen good. Im good. Stephen the latest exhibition at moma is called applied design. Indeed. Stephen tell people what it showcases. Objects from the collection of moma in the 80s to talk about applied design. Design is so many things. Stephen what is applied design . The idea is that in the future design will go the way of physics. Well have theoretical design. It will be interfaces, biodesign visual areasation. Stephen thats in the future. Its in the present. In the future even more so. Stephen where are we now . Modern . Post modern or prefuture . Were posttraumatic stress disorder post modern, present, prefuture but a little bit of future today with history that comes with us. Stephen wow. Its a complicated artistic time to live in. No, no its very, very easy. They told me when i came here be yourself, be in the moment and thats how you are. Stephen i should be myself. Be yourself, be in the moment. Youll be modern. [laughter] stephen is that design . Oh, yes, it is. Could be better but its design. Stephen okay. Okay. Now what is left to design though . Because weve got two different sizes of ipad, arent we done . Pretty much so. I agree with you. We could have a third size and a few more. The idea is to make the ipad disappear. Stephen what . What will i show the people who dont have one . You show your retina. Stephen like the google glass that thing. And beyond without the glasses either. Its to make everything disappear so you can be in things, in the interfaces. Stephen go to this one here. Explain to the people what we have . This is a designer that decided to have 40,000 bees make a buzz. We talk about rapid prototyping these days. Theres robots that make objects out of residentin. This is scaffold in the shape of with honey on top and you let 40,000 bees go wild and in a week they make this. Stephen is that more or less expensive than having Chinese People do this . Thats a good question. Its a good question. Stephen moving on. What is this . This looks like a childs toy. Its a childs toy made to an adult object. To this is an afghani designer r that studied in the netherlands. He grew up in war torn afghanistan in a place with land mines. With his brother and friends they would make wind powered toys that would roll and end up in the mine fields. A few years later after his mother smuggled him out of afghanistan he landed in the netherlands and studied design. He designed this object which is wind powered meant to be rolled on to mine fields and make them explode. Its quite fantastic because its about his own experience but a dramatic and serious object that is meant to be made in the end it will cost nothing. Right now to take a mine off a mine field costs 10,000. Stephen this gets blown across, blows up and it must be awesome. It is awesome. Stephen what is this last one here, jim. That is just a table. That say table for School Children in earthquake prone imrairs to sowhen you ceiling falls upon you you dont get crushed. Stephen what makes it so great. Its designed from a student at a school in jerusalem. You see how its meant. Those orange sticks are like compressors. Stephen shock absorbers. Thank you so much. Stephen your welcome so. When the proverbial ton of bricks falls upon you you dont get crushed. Stephen here is an idea, why not make the school out after this . We should, youre right. Engineers are working towards that. Stephen thank you so much for joining me. The exhibition starts saturday ]o
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