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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130305



[cheers and applause] hey, guys. welcome back. now it s time for our unfortunate domain name of the week. this week s winner is hotelkuntz.com. [laughter] yep. it s located in paris, france. i know when i think of paris, i think of kuntz. [laughter] for 33 euros, which is about $42, you ll get a night s stay in the kuntz. i actually stayed there recently, and i have to say the woman at the front desk was a total sweetheart. [laughter] i can tell you who was a huge [bleep]. the concierge. and the continental breakfast is just comme ci, comme ça. [laughter] you ll be happy to know your kuntz reward points can be redeemed at their sister hotel les toits. [laughter] can you believe we got snubbed for an emmy? [sighs] hey, make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows and make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010. oh, that is gonna be a suicide mission. next week, we give the worst comedian ever a web redemption. she was bigger than my gr ....

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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130228



jon: that s our show. here it is your moment zen. your job is to keep him under control this morning. if he runs stephen: tonight, a gitmo inmate faces trial. or has a birthday party. not sure, it was redacted. then, john kerry is the new secretary of state. or the pressure has really taken a toll on hillary clinton. [laughter] and my guest paola antonelli is a curator at the museum of modern art. i ll ask her to exit through the gift shop. [laughter] it s chuck hagel s first day as secretary of defense. tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and appla ....

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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130228



here it is your moment zen. your job is to keep him under control this morning. if he runs stephen: tonight, a gitmo inmate faces trial. or has a birthday party. not sure, it was redacted. then, john kerry is the new secretary of state. or the pressure has really taken a toll on hillary clinton. [laughter] and my guest paola antonelli is a curator at the museum of modern art. i ll ask her to exit through the gift shop. [laughter] it s chuck hagel s first day as secretary of defense. tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and applause] folks [cheers a ....

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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130301



one of them was all filled with babies. and she had herpes. [laughter] then his mother reveals to him that she is pregnant. and he is the father. tosh s father is upset, yet not surprised. [laughter] so he masturbates with his own tears, and screamed i just bought tickets for your tour when it goes to indiana! i love you :) i m so excited! he wanted to get out of town in time to catch the sale at the perry ellis outlet mall but he found himself surrounded by al-qaeda. he was outnumbered but still managed to pleasure each man accordingly. [laughter] no one was unsatisfied! yes, i had to do gay stuff in prison, but that was for survival. survival! boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner. he dies. end of movie. [laughter] that one was a real tear-jerker. see you next week. good night. [cheers & applause] stephen: tonight, a gitmo inmate faces trial. or has a birthday party. not sure, it was redacted. then, john kerry is the new secreta ....

Miami , Florida , United-states , Jerusalem , Israel-general , Israel , Kazakhstan , Kyrgyzstan , Bishkek , Germany , Netherlands , Iran

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130228



here it is your moment zen. your job is to keep him under control this morning. if he runs stephen: tonight, a gitmo inmate faces trial. or has a birthday party. not sure, it was redacted. then, john kerry is the new secretary of state. or the pressure has really taken a toll on hillary clinton. [laughter] and my guest paola antonelli is a curator at the museum of modern art. i ll ask her to exit through the gift shop. [laughter] it s chuck hagel s first day as secretary of defense. tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and applause] folks [cheers an ....

Miami , Florida , United-states , Jerusalem , Israel-general , Israel , Kazakhstan , Kyrgyzstan , Bishkek , Germany , Netherlands , Iran