[ music ends ] [ chord plays ] [ chord, chimes play ] [ chords play ] [ chord plays ] welcome to the tfn newsquarters. i'm ted nelms. let's get started in florida with team coverage of hurricane randy. we've got abby wofsy running late a few blocks away, stewart mccoy in a tree, and mark telfer is bearing the brunt of the storm in the florida keys. thanks, mark. thanks, ted. i'm here... not so fast. mark, let's go to tfn meteorologist jane gordon standing by in the tfn severe weather lounge. jane? ted, moments ago, hurricane randy was upgraded from a category 4 to a category 5. oh, my god! jane, explain for our viewers, but not to me, because i already know, the difference between a category-4 and a category-5 hurricane. -well, it's one worse, ted. -got it. now the storm surges could be as high as 10 feet. to put that in everyday terms, an african pygmy mouse is 1.8 inches long. if you strap 66.667 pygmy mice end to end on a board, then turn that board vertically, the height of the mice would be the height of the storm surge. and, for our viewers who may be in randy's path, what should they do? learn a second language or a musical instrument. it will enrich your life immeasurably. great advice. thanks, jane. now, over to the florida keys, where randy is expected to leave nothing but rubble. mark telfer is there. mark, news me right in the face! hi, ted. here in the keys, residents are racing to prep for the storm by boarding up their homes, tying down loved ones, and fleeing town. meanwhile, the national guard is stockpiling on diesel, clean water, and canned goods for hundreds of reporters like me who are an unnecessary burden on the community. now, mark, i was expecting the scene to be a little more intense. well, randy hasn't made landfall in the u.s. yet, ted, so it's still relatively calm here. but is it making landfall elsewhere? yes, it is, ted. oh, hi, jane. oh, hi, ted. the italian antilles are being pummeled by the hurricane as we speak. that sounds terrifying. mark, i can't believe you'll be reporting from that location next time we see you. well, that is going to be a little bit difficult, ted. they have banned all travel to and from the islands. all the more incredible that you're going to find a way to get there. god, i admire you, mark. yeah. okay, ted. later, evacuation or evacu-cation? could this mandatory doomsday exodus turn into that relaxing getaway your family has been craving? but first, a quick correction. yesterday, we reported on a new theme park that allows visitors to live out their wild west fantasies with the help of lifelike robots. that turned out to be a tv show. ♪ ♪ [ scooter crashes ] man: ow! hurricane randy isn't the only major crisis facing america -- president donald trump, still stuck in a well. gail claymore is live at the scene. gail, on your mark, get set, news. [ gunshot ] hi, ted. we are here in a remote corner of the white house grounds where the president remains trapped in a well like a helpless child. here's a look back on just how america found itself in this extraordinary pickle. it was just one week ago that the president somehow stumbled into this abandoned well. first came the denials. boorman: so despite these well rumors, you stand by the official statement that president trump is merely vacationing on his private island hunting other humans for sport? i think i made pretty clear where the president is. but then came the tweets. "failing media won't give trump credit. nobody has ever gone inside a well this deep before. i have the best well." initial attempts at a rescue immediately fail when first responders realize their rope is too short. then, an unsettling tweet from the president -- "feeling lonely and scared but grateful for this time alone to contemplate the true value of character, honor, kindness and empathy. though my fate is uncertain, i am not afraid, for i know america is greater than any one president, and her truths will live on, even if i do not." but concerns over his mental health are put to rest when the president tweets again, calming an anxious nation. "forget what i said before! america is carnage! obama is a muslim! suck my bonespurs. #maga." then tragedy strikes. from washington dc, the news is apparently official. president donald trum...p's cellphone battery... has died. and today, day seven, yet another new rope, and, ted, it's still too short. gail, i have to believe that there is a rope long enough to reach the president. there just isn't, ted. they've looked. -in the garage? -i would assume, yes, but i will get back to you on that. okay. thank you, gail. turning now to our panel, is falling in a well presidential? i'm joined by grant burdock, who used to host this show until he was caught lying about his military record, and presidential historian nora samuels-newman. nora, is there precedent for this? not exactly, ted, but, yes, a lot. benjamin harrison spent three months in the belly of a whale, but back then, presidents didn't matter very much. fascinating. grant, presidential? ted, i'm offended by the idea that presidents have to act a certain way simply because they happen to be president. that's just...racist. no, it isn't. and for another angle, let's turn to stu mccoy in a tree. stu, is the president being presidential? not sure, ted. i'm in a tree. sorry. i've got to cut away. breaking news in the murder trial of branson sutcliffe, heir to the sutcliffe caramel fortune. ♪ sutcliffe caramel ♪ real cream ♪ real yummy let's go live to chase terry, who is outside the courthouse. chase, what's happening? hi, ted. sutcliffe's attorneys have called a sudden press conference. as you can see, the podium behind me is filled with microphones indicating an important announcement. surely, they'll arrive any moment now. perhaps we should check back in later, chase. ted. ted, uh, right now, i'm sensing a palpable shift in the energy out here much the same way a herd of elk would sense a predator in their midst. surely, the defense team will be arriving right...now. right now. [ whispers ] right -- right now. okay. chase, why don't we check back in with you later? oh, hey, ted! uh, uh, ted, um, i have a new development. yeah! yeah? i don't know. i don't know. chase, we got a lot to get to. when we return, hurricane randy... [ guitar riff plays ] ...can't stop, won't stop, plus, is there a moose in your house? the answer may surprise you. and i hold president trump's feet to the fire in an exclusive pre-well interview. okay. let's role-play for a minute. pretend i'm bruce willis in "the sixth sense." and you see dead people? no, the kid sees dead people. bruce willis is the ghost. remember? i mean, it's a little complicated. bruce willis is a dead person, so i guess he also sees dead people, but that's not the gimmick of the movie. do you want to just watch it again? can't do that. forget it. ♪ announcer: "tfn" -- opiate of the masses. ♪ bellas, you are the i am inside of all of you. that's weird. one last show together. i love you awesome nerds. bye-bye bellas. [ grunts ] pitch perfect 3. rated pg-13. hershey's miniatures. we pour 'em! we pass 'em! we pick 'em! delicious fun for everyone. hershey's miniatures are mine, yours, our chocolate. 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[crowd cheering] ♪ you could dance like you should can you dance like you should make the rules while dancing can you dance like you should ♪ and we're back. in a minute, hillary clinton opens up on the surprising amount of feces in the state department hallways. i was very disturbed by that, and i thought, "you know, we need to bring it up. don't pretend that you can hide it under the rug or in the corner." but first, the trapped-nited states of in-a-well-merica -- our continuing coverage of president trump trapped in a well. let's check back in with gail claymore. gail, have you ever had a dream where your hands fall off? i've had dreams where all my teeth fell out. yeah. that's stress-related. this is different. what's happening at the well? it's getting dire, ted. rescuers are running out of options and, frankly, patience. i'll be honest with you. these are some of the best america has to offer, and even they are losing steam. gail, gail, gail. [ chuckles ] ted? one second. there's a guy behind you being an absolute cutup. find out who that is. sir, can you come here for a second? can you please give us your name? [ chuckles ] uh... mike -- "mike rotch." [my crotch] very pleased to make your acquaintance, mr. rotch. will you tell us a little about yourself? uh, i saw the camera, and i was just, like, "what if" -- i don't know. mr. rotch, let me tell you what you just did right there -- you took a tense moment, and you imbued it with levity, telling america it's okay to smile again, and i, for one, thank you for that. pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbht! [ chuckles ] it's good stuff. it's just good stuff. i'm looking forward to the next national tragedy just to see what you do with it, mike. gail, give him your cell number. -awesome. -what? being in a well might not be good for a president's survival or hygiene, for that matter, but what does it do to his approval ratings? well, it turns out, it helps quite a bit, actually, and his republican colleagues have taken notice, many jumping into wells of their own. hunter: [ echoing ] trump is in charge. the president knows what he's doing. harris: [ echoing ] so what we're going to do is we're going to follow the president's lead. ryan: [ echoing ] i think it's in our interest to have party unity. and no surprise, the democratic response to the president's situation has been swift, fierce, and well coordinated. um, uh... uh, uh... uh... um... uh, ah... [ indistinct chatter ] hello? bold words. we'll see if they can make good on those promises. of course, many americans are asking what it's like inside the well. what's president trump going through? our own augmented-reality correspondent, karl boormann, is here to give us a virtual look. thanks, ted. first off, the well is 5 feet wide, which is about the size of a common floaty toy, perhaps a unicorn, which would help the president if the well filled up with liquid unless that liquid were acid, in which case the president would be instantly dissolved. but, as of now, the well is dry, most likely strewn with garbage, gatorade bottles, cigarette butts, old nudie mags, penthouse, club international, that sort of thing. and since the well was dug in 1881, we have to assume the president is currently surrounded with human skeletons, a grounds keeper, warren g. harding's mistress, and so forth. it seems a little outlandish. does it, meat puppet? [ chuckles ] well, this is my realm, a binary reality of ones and zeros! you can't catch me, ted, for i am the [ distorted voice ] data lord! [ laughs maniacally ] pure information! unbound by the petty strictures of matter, manipulating cyber pulses in a digital orchestra. [ normal voice ] h-h-h-h-h-h-h-ha! ha! ha! ha! okay. thanks, carl. he does this. he'll tire himself out eventually. in the meantime, target has released a new litter of seasonal workers from its corporate birthing sack. genetically identical team members will be put down after the holiday rush. returning now to hurricane randy. [ guitar riff plays ] not every story of the storm is a nightmarish fox-trot with a dance partner named death. sometimes it's an uplifting waltz with a homespun hero. on tonight's "good samari-cans," we spotlight one man who is helping out. ♪ ♪ aliena: meet charlie shelton, a data specialist from youngstown, ohio. he's the founder of a charity that collects an item most relief organizations overlook. so this is the panty pantry. great. this is it. reporter: the panty pantry. it may look like an ordinary suburban garage, but inside is a meticulously organized collection of female undergarments waiting to clothe needy disaster survivors. when our crack team of tfn helper hunters discovered your website, i was literally blown away by your dedication to the cause that every woman, man, and child needs underwear. just women's panties, though. why specifically panties? i mean, if you think about it, it's, like, the hardest thing, probably, to get in a disaster situation. hmm. there's some crazy disaster, and -- and -- and you just need panties, right? right. how are you going to get them? nobody has got panties. yeah. they're out of generators. they're out of panties. i just felt like this was, like -- this is where i can do the most -- this is where i can do the most good. but if charlie shelton's going to do the most good, he's going to need a little help from the rest of us. and how can people donate to this amazing, inspiring cause? just send, you know, send, like, all the panties that you can... uh-huh. ...to the address on the website. and you want fresh packaged underwear? oh, god, no. what? yeah, no. i mean, if -- i-i-if that's what you have, sure. ideally, it's been -- you know, it's a little lived-in, right? so, yeah. just send them to the address on the website, all types, it doesn't matter [ whispers ] and you don't have to wash them. i'm sorry. what? what? yeah. you don't have to wash them. oh. so you wash them all here? don't worry about it. okay. we take care of it. great. don't -- don't worry about it. what? i didn't say anything. okay. i didn't either. and that's just one way that every day, good samari-cans are pitching in. i'm aliana aliena, proud to have made my own donation to this inspiring new effort. ♪ pretty inspiring story, right, stu mccoy in a tree? what? never mind. yet another breaking news story, so many today. tfn has confirmed that famed ventriloquist eric lepay has died. the world will miss lepay and his beloved gaggle of puppets. our hearts go out to all of them, as well as the 215 other passengers who were onboard his flight when it crashed. eric lepay, you will be missed. ted? thanks, ted. guns. guns? half of america thinks they're instruments of death designed for killing fellow human beings, and the other half is against them. last night, i hosted tfn's "gun control town hall." here's where things got real. but that's a tired argument. then go to denmark! what are you doing here? -okay. all right. -yeah. okay. one at a time. robert, you were saying? i was saying the data is staggering. there are now more guns than children. wow. that's arbitrary and meaningless. it's true. unrestricted gun ownership is a constitutional right. guys, what do you say we just take this out of the abstract and make it real? [ gunshot ] -oh! -aah! [ people screaming ] [ groaning ] [ whimpering ] it's okay. it's okay. relax. so, bethany, you just saw gun violence firsthand. [ groaning ] how are you feeling, and what are you thinking? [ voice breaking ] uh, maybe, if there was a -- a good guy with a gun who, maybe, could have been here to intervene... it's a good point, and a good guy with a gun could definitely have stopped me from shooting a second person, but he'd have no way of knowing that i've been planning to shoot robert ever since we invited him on this panel. [ groaning ] [ chuckling ] how did this get so weird all of a sudden? ugh. just a reminder -- that awesome town hall airs tonight at 9:00. i'm joined now by tfn legal correspondent glen burke. glen, do you think a good guy with a gun could have made a difference there? ted, the bigger issue right now is that you shot a man on television. you're going to be charged with attempted murder. nice try, glen. i think we all know the only thing i'm guilty of is journalistic excellence. once again, that full town hall will air tonight at 9:00. yeah. i just don't think you should air it. it's pretty graphic, and it's awful, and you're definitely going to be arrested, ted. okay. let's go with your premise for a second. am i off the hook if the victim refuses to press charges? i turn to you, mr. frammell. are you going to snitch? uh. [ chuckles ] you know, ted, it's immaterial whether or not the victim testifies. the entire crime was caught on television, and then you aired it, and it's also probably not a good idea to intimidate your victim on television. you're just making a bad situation worse. yeah. okay. thanks, glen. -mm-hmm. -robert, watch your back. a note to our viewers -- this discussion falls under attorney-client privilege, so, in sharing this clip, please use the hashtag #attorneyclientprivilege, and, while you're doing that, don't forget to follow me on twitter, review me on airbnb, swipe right on tinder, tickle me on boo guru, pang me on tang hub, and hi-herp me on ger, beflew me on harhou! and flacka me on flololo! you're watching "the fake news." and flacka me on flololo! they loved that tree. it really prmeant a lot to them. ♪ this is our tree. ♪ let's bring everyone closer this holiday. toyota. let's go places. the reuben is back for a limited time at subway. ♪ so much reuben. it's what busch is known for. what are you known for? i'm indecisive. scratch that. no, that's right. although... 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["i feel you" by depeche mode] ♪ i feel you within my mind ♪ ♪ i feel you ♪ you take me home to glory's throne ♪ ♪ by and by ♪ i feel you man: now starting at $199 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ this is "the fake news with ted nelms," and i'm pretty sure that's me. later in the hour, secretary of state rex tillerson finally meets the man america voted for him to have sex with. we shall see. and there they go. we'll find out how that went later in the hour. but, first, let's check in on hurricane randy, currently making landfall over the italian antilles. mark telfer is there so you and your family don't have to be. mark, how deadly are things looking? well, it is a scene of utter hell here, ted. officials are saying it could take decades to rebuild this already tattered island. mark, the ocean behind you looks like a roiling cauldron. could you possibly get a little closer to give us a better view of its magnificent power? probably not, ted. a cnn reporter was nearly swept away just an hour ago in this very spot. it sounds extremely dangerous, mark. why not get a little closer? well, i'm already as close as one can get to the storm, ted. excuse me, ted. mark could actually get closer. there is a tiny island just a few miles east of his current location. i knew it! ted, the island that jane is referring to is uninhabited. there are no people there, no animals there. there are certainly no reporters there. ted, it's a death trap. sure, mark, but how can you expect anyone to understand that without seeing you in the middle of it? i'm a journalist, ted. can they just take my word for it? pics or it didn't happen, mark. you know that. mark telfer putting his life on the line, so you don't have to, and why would you? that would be insane. moving on from old england to new england. queen elizabeth ii has signed a 3-year contract with the new england patriots. her signing bonus? a silver marmot. i'm getting word that lawyers for murderous rich kid branson sutcliffe have begun their press conference. our own chase terry is still on the scene. let's cut to the chase! hi, ted. the tension outside the geffen courthouse is palpable. correct me if i'm wrong, chase. it appears sutcliffe's lawyers still haven't arrived? they have not, but i do have someone who was inside the courtroom. this is custodian roy baker, who was just in the courtroom last night. mr. baker, what was it like in there? it was a real mess. it was like someone spilled a soft drink or juice, real sticky. what was the mood like in the courtroom? pretty spooky. i thought i heard a voice once. okay, chase. we really need to not call in unless there is something happening. well, there is actually a lot happening here. we've got some spooky voices, spills... chase, you don't have to do all this to get my attention. what? why would i... chase... just because your mom and i are dating, that doesn't mean i'm trying to replace your dad. i mean that. okay? okay. all right. and now for a little a-news-bouche. what happens when a regular person becomes a real-life superhero? a brave bystander saving a mother who is carrying her daughter who is carrying her pet rabbit. his name is stevie rivera, and he joins us via satellite. stevie, how does it feel to be a beloved national hero who looked the grim reaper square in the face and then courageously spat right in his empty eyehole? uh, i don't know about that. i was just trying to get home, and it looked like they were in serious trouble, and i thought, "these guys might not make it if i don't help them." well, that woman and her daughter owe their lives to you. i'm just glad they're safe. and let's not forget the rabbit, whose name, i understand, is shoe? i'm happy to know shoe is okay, too. now i just called shoe a he, but is that the rabbit's actual gender? i don't really know. so you didn't get a look at the rabbit's genitals at all? i was mostly just focused on getting everyone to safety. that's amazing, stevie. i applaud you for having the self-control not to spread some fur apart and take a peek at that little rabbit's undercarriage just to see what you're working with, right? i just wasn't concerned about that. okay. well, stevie, before you go, i have to ask -- are you running for president in 2020? that had not even crossed my mine. all right. well, whatever you decide, you'll always be a hero who saved two women and shoe, the gender-fluid rabbit. thanks for stopping by. thanks for having me. later on "the fake news," virtual pornography for the elderly. find out how it could help you save on your heating bill. and tensions are rising near the sea of japan after north korea conducts a test of its controversial new fart bombs. yikes. do not go in there, and by there, i mean the sea of japan. you're watching "the fake news." announcer: "tfn" -- who's gonna stop us, you? you're watching "the fake news." ok, so with the award-winning our customers have 24/7 access, digital id cards, they can even pay their bill- (beep) bill has joined the call. hey bill, we're just- phone: hi guys, bill here. do we have julia on the line too? 'k, well we'll just- phone: hey sorry. i had you muted. well yea let's just- phone: so what i was thinking- ok well we'll- phone: yeah- let's just go ahead- phone: oh alright- the award-winning geico app. download it today. companies targeted people with mental health issues? they go after people with mental illness. people with depression. people with anxiety. big tobacco went as far as giving free cigarettes to psychiatric facilities. it's despicable. the consequences of this targeting are horrific. people with mental health or substance abuse issues account for 40% of the cigarettes smoked in the united states. it's sick. it's twisted... know the truth. spread the truth. finish it. ♪ music ♪laying ♪ ♪ let's get the one with the candy canes. well, you know, the wrapping paper doesn't make the holidays. it's what's inside that counts. it's a phone for mom. okay, well, it's also what's inside the phone that counts, too. circuits? no, the network. so the network is inside the phone? well, no, the network's around the phone. and verizon is the most awarded network ever. that's why more people count on it. here you go. (announcer) a gift is only as good as the network it's on. so give any google pixel 2 and get $300 off with no trade-in required. what's this? well, it's google home mini. it's super helpful in the kitchen. so you know how you have to check the recipe every two seconds? google home mini: i'll read the recipe one step at a time. or you don't want to burn the chicken and apple roast? google home mini: timer for 20 minutes. here we go. or you know how you always use the last two eggs? google home mini: okay, i've added eggs to your shopping list. and because cooking is just better with a soundtrack... ♪ what's your flava? ♪ ♪ what's your flava? ♪ and when you forget what you're supposed to do next... google home mini: okay, i'll repeat the last step. it's google home mini. now only $29. it's google home mini. introducing the all-new delivery pouch from pizza hut. thanks to three layers of thermal insulation, your pizza arrives oven-hot. it's like having our oven right in your kitchen. well, pretty close. try it with the best pizza delivery deal. large, 2-topping just $7.99. no one out pizzas the hut. ♪ welcome back to "the fake news." later in the hour, senator claire mccaskill learns professional wrestling is not real. are you kidding?! but first, an unsettling development in the story of self-styled hero stevie rivera. a facebook photo has emerged in which rivera appears to mock recording artist nicki minaj. the backlash has been swift and fierce. mr. rivera joins me now to discuss this disturbing revelation. mr. rivera, you let america believe you were a selfless, real-life superman, solid marriage material, but now, we're all saying, "hang on." are you the best person ever, or the worst lowlife in history? i think maybe neither. i mean, i definitely did not mean to offend anyone. my friend joanna asked if she could use my face to make a funny party invite, and i said "sure." uh-huh. listen to these tweets. "you suck" and "you're sexist," and this one really surprised me -- "go kill yourself! #gross." that last one is particularly harsh, and i wrote it. it sounds like i hurt a lot of people's feelings, and you know what? that's on me, and i just need to learn a little bit more about these issues. do you regret trying to fool america into thinking you were a hero by saving those people? i don't know. maybe next time i'll just mind my own business. yeah, i think you should. shoe is a girl, by the way. i had them send me a picture of her genitals. stop assuming all rabbits are boys. get off my show! you make me sick, #gross, and i'd like to issue a correction for something i said earlier in the broadcast. it's not a good afternoon. later in the hour, mick mulvaney settling into his new role as acting director of nightmares. by the way, i'm just learning about the powers that i have as acting director. they would frighten most of you. but first, internet trolls -- they're coarsening our discourse and dividing our nation. is there anything we can do about it? let's turn, again, to our panel. joining grant and nora is grammy-nominated folk flautist peter thrush. [ jazzy flute music plays ] that ruled. peter, did you write that or improvise it? -improvised. -nice. artists are often unfairly targeted by the troll community. as a musician, how would you deal with a troll assault? well, ted, after getting over the initial shock of finding out trolls are real creatures, i'd look for a weapon to fight them, like a spear. no. no, no, no. i'm sorry. we're talking about internet trolls, which are people who say mean things online because they hate themselves. sorry. i [clears throat] misunderstood. yeah. i think you did. but, you know, you raise an interesting point. what if these trolls were actual trolls? nora, your thoughts? look, ted. if only 10% of america's bridges have trolls, that's still a staggering number of trolls! it is. that's a terrifying statistic, if true. grant, trolls? talk. i would conjecture that we are not prepared for this. they can emerge at any time, attack axes glinting in the moonlight. well, no. i would argue that our military is equipped to handle a troll raiding party. yes, but you're not taking into account their possibly bullet-proof skin. well, please let me finish. i was about to suggest that trolls likely carry unknown bacteria. look. millions dying of root plague probably wish they had their skulls crushed in by the first wave of iron-battle boots. but how would they know now is the best time to strike while our president is stuck in a hole? because maybe the trolls got to the president first. for more, we turn to gail claymore live at the white house. gail, is the president in danger? we just don't know. even now, our president may be in chains working the troll-slave mines. that's a horrible fate to imagine for our president. are there any other possibilities? maybe, just as he shocked america in 2016, trump has taken the lava throne from king tharg and begun his hypothetical reign as donald i, king of subterranea. but does donald trump actually have a shot at the granite crown? for a deeper look, we turn to tfn political analyst nelson najar. nelson? ted, assuming subterranea uses an electoral college, donald trump comes into this race with a lot of negatives. he's never been a disciplined campaigner, and he's not a troll. his soft pink flesh will be seen as a mark of weakness by the troll voters if they exist. does trump even have a path to victory, here? he does, and that path's name is tharg. okay. for those unfamiliar with troll politics, tell us about tharg. tharg has been around a long time, and the tharg name carries a lot of baggage. for all those trolls saying, "this is tharg's time to rule. get out of tharg's way or be sacrificed to the blind serpent of the pit," just as many think it's time to hurl tharg into the sun at the center of the earth. break it down on the map for us. trolls are notoriously hard to poll since they don't have phones and may not exist, but we can assume that having fallen from what trolls think of as the sky, trump would be worshipped as a deity. and that's appealing to voters? it won't play in the troll cities on the volcano coast, but here, those are the troll fungus farms. those farmers are more religious, and they feel left out of the economic boom that followed king grolzek's discovery of the great spider's gold. those rural trolls literally have an axe to grind. i'm pegging his chances at 83%. of course, margin of error doesn't apply here because it's all made up, but look. i wrote him off on election day, and i'm never making that mistake again. thank you, nelson. now sleep. after the break, senator mitch mcconnell breaks his silence on thomas edison's invention of the light bulb. what a terrific idea. later in the hour, my exclusive pre-well interview with president trump... assuming another supreme court slot opens up during your tenure, who's on your short list? i like coach belichick, and tom brady is my friend. that's an all-star lineup. ...plus in health news, can humans eat sunshine? the answer, which is no, when we return. ...plus in health news, thanks, i used masterpass.e? master...pass? yes! masterpass! pass! pass! was it expensive? priceless. masterpass by mastercard. the modern way to pay. at zales, we believe a diamond kind of love is all about that look... right there. shop the perfect gift event to save 30 percent off everything. zales, the diamond store. lookin' at the new mcpick 2 for 5...... going for savory, juicy, and crispy... it's goooddddd! choose two fan favorites on the mcpick 2 for 5 dollars menu. [crowd cheering] wifiso if you can't live without it...t it. why aren't you using this guy? it makes your wifi awesomely fast. no... still nope. now we're talking! it gets you wifi here, here, and here. it even lets you take a time out. no! no! yes! yes, indeed. amazing speed, coverage and control. all with an xfi gateway. find your awesome, and change the way you wifi. hershey's miniatures. we pour 'em! we pass 'em! we pick 'em! delicious fun for everyone. hershey's miniatures are mine, yours, our chocolate. hthey know aboutn famifamily tradition.73. my favorite family tradition? exchanging gifts. it allows me to showcase my tremendous range as an actor. what could this be? you shouldn't have! i love it! i actually brought these myself. ♪ there's more behind the star. directv has been rated number one in customer satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. but some people still like cable. just like some people like wet grocery bags. getting a bad haircut. overcrowded trains. turnstiles that don't turn. and spilling coffee on themselves. but for everyone else, there's directv. for #1 rated customer satisfaction over cable, switch to directv. and for a limited time get a $100 reward card. call 1-800-directv ♪ you could dance like you should can you dance like you should make the rules while dancing can you dance like you should ♪ welcome back to "the fake news with ted nelms." i'm your host, ted nelms. breaking news, mark telfer's exclusive report on hurricane randy's assault on uninhabited island b-3-11-j. mark, paint us a news picture. i'm barely...able to hold on, ted! what's that, mark? we can't quite hear what you're saying. i said, "i'm really, really scared." i don't think it was a good idea to come here. yeah, but the footage! mark, the footage is glorious. tell rita that i'm so-o-o-o-- oh! mark, mark! uh -- do we have him? is he there? my god. ladies and gentlemen, it, uh... it appears the unthinkable has happened. we have lost a colleague in the line of duty. [ inhales deeply ] no matter how experienced, trusted or highly rated a journalist you are, you just really can't prepare for a truly senseless tragedy like this. you've got to ask yourself, "why?" rest in peace, mark telfer, and if they don't... ted! mark? mark! i -- i slipped, [ chuckling ] but i think i'm okay. oh, we still got you. all right. hey. he's alive. hey. what happened? well, i -- the -- waaaah! mark? mark! is he gone?! [ whispers ] is he really gone this time? okay. you got to ask yourself, "why?" rest in peace, mark telfer, and if st. peter won't let you through those pearly gates, you just show him your press pass. god damn it, mark! you finally got your scoop! later in the hour, avocado toast -- what is it? why is everybody suddenly talking about it all the time? we'll search for answers. and now, turning to "dog news," no! no! down! no! now, turning back to our human programming, the makers of weight-loss drug novene are under investigation for covering up side effects including severe depression and all of your skin falling off in one big piece, which, obviously, results in a gruesome death, but are the allegations true? we'll get to the bottom of it. full disclosure -- "the fake news" is a wholly owned subsidiary of novene. ♪ joining us here for an objective breakdown is tfn health correspondent amy sussman, who, full disclosure, works for novene, legal analyst eric hanson, who, full disclosure, is an attorney for novene. they're joined by regular panelists nora samuels-newman, who, full disclosure, signed a gag order with novene in a previous lawsuit, and grant burdock, who, full disclosure, just really loves novene. rounding out the panel is a man in a brown overcoat, who, full disclosure, i don't recognize and appears to think this is a bar or diner. amy, let's start with you. ted, there's no story here. okay. eric? this is a really nothing burger, ted. nora? sorry, ted, gag order -- lots to say, but can't say it. -grant? -love novene. pop them like candy, still got all my skin. all right. overcoat guy? you know, i go to work. my boss breaks my balls. i go home. my wife breaks my balls. i come here. you break my balls. come on, ted. another day, another dollar, right? you got it. how in the hell did you get in here, by the way? don't answer that. i'm getting word that first responders at the white house well are making another rescue attempt. let's go there live. ted, the rescuers are using a vacuum to try and suck the president out, but it doesn't seem to be working. speaking of the president... [ paper rustles ] it's getting harder and harder to remember a time when he wasn't stuck in a well. but not too long ago, he wasn't stuck in a well, and i sat down with then-aboveground president trump for a little tête-à-ted. let's take a look. mr. president, thank you for sitting down with me. i'm sure it's not easy with your hemorrhoids. are they getting worse? it's like they're emboldened. [ inhales sharply ] i'm so sorry. now you've been president for almost a year. how do you think you're doing? it's really a bad situation. it's really bad. don't be too hard on yourself, sir. america has had some truly terrible presidents. surely you're familiar with warren g. harding's legacy. i did talk to him about it. i want to help him with it. i think he's a very good man. we have a very good relationship, as you probably know. just to clarify, warren g. harding died in 1923, but you've been consulting with his spirit? it's a very strange phenomenon. we get along. i don't know if he'll admit this, but he likes me. sure. just take his advice with a grain of salt. his administration was one of the worst in american history. take a look at what we've done, too. we've made a lot of mistakes. how many people have left flaming bags of poop at the white house door? there was 109 people. that's just beyond the pale. they always do that, not just me. i mean, they do it with everybody, but you have to get over it. well, i can't! let's move on. the mexican border wall. when are you going to build it? well, i think i already have. you did? when? 5:00. [ chuckles ] that was fast. how was your last golf game? it was okay, but a lot of people were killed. that's great. now, on a lighter note, you recently joked about putting a trapdoor in the oval office that drops into a tank of sharks. how is that coming along? we're going to be putting it in fairly soon. i think that, yes, i would like to say by the end of the year. so that wasn't a joke? we'll see what happens. always keeping us guessing. well, mr. president, i cannot thank you enough for your time. if i could ask you one more question, of all the cable news shows, which is your favorite? it's "fake news." that means a lot. my liege... [ fanfare plays ] president donald trump. he lives in a well now. breaking news -- in a story everyone has been watching, i'm getting word that wanda, america's favorite pregnant giraffe at the minneapolis zoo, is about to give birth to her calf. now, if you're like me, you have been glued to the zoo's webcam. i just love this. i've been watching this for the last 15 months. i can not wait to see this little miracle. let's throw it, right now, to the big moment. is it happening? it's actually happening. there's my girl! all right. she is clearly struggling, but very calm. all moms are heroes, aren't they? oh, now, if you look closely, ho! oh, goodness. that's... it's -- it's -- something is happening. it appears to be the front legs of the baby calf just sticking right out of her giraffe hole. ew. did she lick it? did she lick it? oh. agh. i bet it's salty! agh! ugh. it's truly... it's a miracle, isn't it, the poetic wonder of -- oh, dear god. oh, god! no! and it's out! [ laughs ] aah! oh, it's a waterfall! oh, my god! that can't be right. there is so much coming out. [ vomiting ] [ spits ] god, what a horror show. [ sighs ] ahh. good job, wanda. after the break, the controversial plan to build an oil pipeline directly through this native american man. you're watching "the fake news." a 1, 2. a 1, 2, 3, 4. [ jazz-style drumming ] [ jazz music plays ] announcer: "tfn" -- the "t" stands for "the." [ jazz music plays ] love is what inspires me. love is everlasting. love is everything. love is a diamond. each piece of my jewelry collection is designed with lovers in mind. the vera wang love collection, at zales. the diamond store. ♪ sourced entirely in france, for a character all its own. grey goose. give the world's best tasting vodka. [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like... cliché foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason? nah. so, why don't we like flo? she has the name your price tool, and we want it. but why? why don't we actually do any work? why do you only own one suit? it's just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. you're right. thanks, bill. no, you're bill. i'm tom. you know what? no one cares. why did you take credit card debt on? second kid. private school. medical bills. moving costs. solid ground. a personal loan from sofi is a smart way to consolidate credit card debt. certain borrowers cut their credit card interest rates 42% and increased credit scores 17 points on average. borrow up to $100,000 with low rates and no hidden fees. find your rate in just two minutes, and take on your debt at sofi.com. man: rated e to m. 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[ normal voice ] harsh words, but first, let's check in one more time with chase terry. chase, how close are we to the start of this press conference? the conference ended 5 minutes ago, ted. i tried to call in, but no one answered. i was probably on the other line. can you just tell us what happened? it's impossible to describe what happened. you really had to be here. well, we're going to need you to do your best. that's what reporters do. do you want to hear what the defense attorney said? sure. let's start there. okay. he said that... this is a direct quote, "no further questions." [ sighs ] okay. chase, can we rap for a sec, not as anchor to reporter, but as...man to potential stepson? okay. look. your mom and i really like spending time with each other, but i'm going to be honest. i'm fumbling my way through this, you know? we all are. nothing about it is easy for any of us, but, after the show, you know, what do you say we all have a nice dinner together, the three of us? i mean, i might even make pancakes. breakfast for dinner? [ chuckles ] that actually sounds kind of fun. all right. i'm proud of you, chase. thanks, ted, or should i call you dad? i don't think we're there yet, buddy. more breaking news, let's hurl it back to jane gordon in the severe weather lounge. ted, hurricane randy has just been upgraded from a category 5. but i thought five was the highest category of hurricane? we all thought that, ted, but the national weather service has just upgraded hurricane randy from a category 5 to a nazi. a nazi? [ dramatic music plays ] -a nazi, ted. -a nazi hurricane? yes, ted. [ wind whistling ] like, a hurricane that's also a nazi? that's what our data is telling us. -a nazi hurricane? -yes. like, a hurrica-nazi? yes, or a nazi-cane. let's go with hurrica-nazi. ted, even as a severe weather professional... hang on, jane. [ whistling stops ] [ slurping ] [ sighs ] okay. go on. in all my years as a meteorologist, i have never seen this. well, of course not. you study meteors, and tfn has some more breaking news. it appears white nationalists are rallying in florida to support this hurrica-nazi. shelly wellington is on the scene. shelly? ted, the wind is making it hard for these white nationalists to light their torches, and their signs have mostly blown away. this nazi-cane doesn't seem to care who it hurts, including its own ideological allies. now, shelly, i've been calling it a hurrica-nazi. i think that's a much better name than nazi-cane. agree to disagree, ted. cut her feed. now, onto stu mccoy in the tree. stu, are we wrong to be giving this hurrica-nazi such a public platform for its disgusting ideology? yes, we are, ted. stu, are you worried you might die like mark telfer? i've got a real good tree, here, ted. i'll be just fine. [ chuckles ] well, if you think you're about to die, stu, you let us know, so we can cut to you. panel! what are the political implications of all of this? republicans will really benefit from the president being physically unable to say something divisive at a time like this. and we've set our standards for him so low that merely being forced to stay silent will be acclaimed as presidential, and rightfully so. we got more breaking news. fema officials are speaking to the press about randy, the hurrica-nazi. we go there live. thanks, ted. the press conference hasn't begun just yet, but i've got credible... damn it, chase! all right. what now? let's check in with mark telfer. he's in the heart of the storm, right? what? oh, yeah. he's dead. ah! it's times like this i could really use the humor of mike rotch. more breaking news, miracle of miracles, mama wanda is having twins. don't show it! [ gags ] [ vomiting ] put a cork in it, wanda. god! oh! something else. okay? here we go, tfn has just learned that police have surrounded the tfn studios. they released the following statement. "ted nelms, you are under arrest for the shooting of robert frammell. come out with your hands up." [ chuckles ] but you know what i say? never! hyah! peter thrush, your thoughts? [ jazz flute music plays ] thank you for those soothing tones, peter. i really needed that. we're getting word gail claymore has an update. gail, whassuuuuuup at the white house? ted, rescue efforts are shutting down, so first responders can get home in time to watch their favorite shows. gail, there appears to be some activity behind you. what's happening? what's that? oh, my god! uh, the president is climbing out of the well. he's made it out of the well and is... aah! ♪ [ people screaming in distance, static ] ♪ ladies and gentlemen, my producers are telling me that, that footage is cursed, and anyone who watched it will die in seven days. and that's all the time we have. thanks for joining us. stay tuned for lindsay tuhnite's show, "lindsay tuhnite tonight." lindsay, what have you got for us tonight? tonight, on "lindsay tuhnite tonight," we'll talk to ruth bader ginsburg about her stunning post-baby body. only 52 years after her son was born, and she's already ready for swimsuit season. sounds like a great show, lindsay. thanks, ted. you're welcome. okay. great. cool. all right. ah-- awesome. -yes. -what? yeah. -indeed. -see you. -okay. -you got it. -copy that. -mm-hmm. -yeah. -sure. -thanks, ted. -uh-huh. see you. -okay. great. -ah-- what? [ troll speaking troll language ] [ roaring ] - so charles ponzi goes, i come from italy. i try to make-a money, but they tell me i can't make-a money here. hey, this looks very [bleep] fishy. does that make any [bleep] sense? - sadie is just head-butting them in the stomach. i'm sadie the goat! - [laughs] - lord gordon-gordon was a con man. he's [bleep] stealing from me! [yells] [patriotic music] ♪ ♪ [brooding music] - i'd like to present you with some shots. cheers to scoundrels. - scoundrels. - to scoundrels. - what was the big scam? like, um... - biggest scam ever growing up? um... "blame it on the rain," who are those [bleep]--milli vanilli. i still to this day, love those songs. they, like, ten... - but it's not their...