plus, stephen welcomes joe mantegna james taylor and musical guest michael kiwanuka featuring jon batiste anst n.ma and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! what is up? lovely. oh, my goodness. oh, my darling. ♪ oh, my darling welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) oh, yeah, you can tell, man. it is friday. ( cheers and applause ) it is about damn time. and it's been a hell of a few days. years from now, we'll look back on this week and think, "hey, when are we gonna get the results of the iowa caucus?" ( laughter ) so many huge things happened in the past six days, i'm getting them all mixed up. i'm pretty sure mitt romney was acquitted of awarding the medal of freedom to shakira's sparkly short-shorts? this week, we all endured trump's state of the union. not all of us, because the speech's tv ratings were down 2% from last year, which means if he does it again next year, he's going to have to pull some tv gimmicks to rope in viewers. so get ready for "yo bazinga!" but now that the g.o.p. has covered up trump's crimes, it's up to voters to get rid of the guy. ( cheers and applause ) yup. go your duty. dt >> jon: everybody is very hyped to do that. >> stephen: i did. i'll give you the latest in tonight's edition of: >> you, off the board, or i'll come up and drawing off! ♪ ♪ >> a progressive agenda. >> why the hell do they like chocolate? >> "fury road to the white house, 2020." ( cheers and applause ) stiers is tight, man. it took a long time to sort out what happened at the iowa caucus, but it looks like it's finally almost settled. i'm sorry, chair of the d.n.c., you were saying? "enough is enough. in light of the problems that have emerged, i am calling on the iowa democratic party to immediately begin a recanvass." what? nooo! iow-once was enough! this is the worst reboot idea since "little women 2: the revenge of zombie beth!" ( laughter ) watch out, marmee. she's coming back for her piano! now, whether they recanvass or not, the big winners in iowa were bernie sanders and peteuttigieg, and ey're leading in new hampshire, too. they're leading in new hampshire, too. so the trump campaign's going to have to come up with a whole new strategy. ( as trump ) "hello, ukraine? i know i just escaped impeachment, but i need you to do me a favor, though. is there any chance you guys could find a hunter buttigieg?" ( laughter ) hello? the iowa results were rough for joe biden. he finished fourth, with only 15.8%. he made a big mistake when he attacked iowa's state mascot. >> corn pop was a bad dude! ( laughter ) >> stephen: biden's fourth-place finish was a tough blow to his campaign, but this week in new hampshire, he told voters this: >> as my mother would say, "hope springs eternal, pal." we are not giving up. we are not giving up. >> stephen: this is only the second state, and you're already on "hope springs eternal?" that's like being 10 minutes into a hike and saying, "whaddya say we eat luke first? he's single, no one's gonna miss him!" he's already sweaty and salty. he seasoned himself. let's do it. come on, let's do this thing. slow it up. >> jon: vegetarian. >> stephen: but biden also it. lnizes how bad this we took a gut punch in iowa. the whole process took a gut punch. but, look, this isn't the first time in my life i've been knocked down. >> stephen: (as biden) "why, just today on the walk over here, some maniac wrestled me to the ground. it later turned out to be the windbreaker i was trying to put on. ( laughter ) he's a bad dude." biden is so optimistic that at a cnn town hall, biden explained what he's looking for in a vice president. >> as vice president, i think it would be wonderful to have a woman or a person of color as vice president. but the most important thing i've learned from my relationship with barack-- i call him barack, not president, because i don't want to confuse him with the president. >> stephen: did you notice how subtly with biden inserts obama into every possible answer. "do you want fries with that?" "no, but you know who loves fries? my friend barack obama loves fries. he used to say to me, 'joe?'-- he used to say to me, 'joe?'-- he called me joe because he didn't want to confuse me with vice president john c. calhoun. he'd say, 'joe, these are some tasty fries, and you'd make a tasty president. like me, joe biden's friend barack obama.'" ( laughter ) biden's poor performance is pure gold for one of his rivals, former new york city mayor and iguana refusing to do the trick during the animal show, mike bloomberg. bloomberg has been running an unconventional campaign by skipping the early states, and hoping for the collapse of other leading campaigns, most crucially, joe biden's. really makes bloomberg seem like a nice guy. ( as evil bloomberg ) "oh, yeeees, joe! yes! oh, do tire yourself shaking the hands of the paupers as i watch from my glittering tower high above the city. soon, i shall be the one kissing those penniless babies in arms and supping upon the apple'd pies! me: relatable everyman michael "mike" bloomberg-- wentworth, to the velocicopter!" ( applause ) he has. he can fly helicopters. >> jon: he flies that. that's interesting. >> stephen: bloomberg's going all in on his plan, because he just told his team to double his spending on television commercials. how? how can he do that? he's already on tv all the time. at this point, he'll have to buy ad space in other people's commercials. get another tub in there. scrub them off! now, joe biden's going to have trouble swallowing his next one, but this, what i'm about to show you, mike bloomberg's actual latest commercial. >> he's been a leader throughout the country for the past 12 years. mr. michael bloomberg is here. >> leadership in action. mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun-safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. s eths te: wow. candidates' thing. ( as bloomberg ) "i believe the top 10th of the top 10% have too much power, but as mayor of south bend, indiana, i have a plan for that. it involves my dog bailey, who's gonna give you $1,000 a month.wy husband, chasten.no i'm michael yang-bernwarr-booty. and barack obama approved this message." ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- but-- but trump's not worried about 2020 right now. instead, trumps is laser focused on his real enemy: new york. trump and his immigration goons have been mad at new york state ever since they passed "a law that allows undocumented immigrants to obtain driver's licenses." and trump believes they should only be able to get marriage licenses. so-- ( laughter ) so-- >> jon: wow. >> stephen: so, the administration came up with a way to stick it to its own citizens, by blocking new yorkers from enrolling in global entry, a travel program which allows approved participants faster passage through security at airports. that is the cruelest punishment imaginable: more time in newark. ( laughter ) on the plus side-- on the plus side-- i'll say this-- that does mean more time for me to finish my qdoba nachos inside the lactation privacy pod. for am i not the child at heart, suckling on the nacho teat? "be out in a minute. i'm having trouble latching on." the announcement was dropped on us last night by acting homeland security secratary and name that a wolf pretending to be human would call itself-- chad wolf. "it is i, chad wolf, a man who loves human things, like cooked food. and standing. chad wolf sees something on your neck. come closer to chad wolf." ( laughter ) there's also news about first son, don jr., seen here delivering his crowd-pleasing catchphrase: "gaaauuuuugggghhhh." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) that's my favorite. that's my favorite joke tonight. "gaaauuuuugggghhhh." a hunting organization has just announced they will be auctioning off a dream hunt with donald trump jr. wo meai ho s legal? i mean, he's the president's son. oh, yeah, sure, okay-- that's different. hunt with, hunt with? makes much more sense. the other thing was wrong! wrong! >> jon: it's not him. >> stephen: not good! turns out, what you're actually bidding on is an alaska yacht- based sitka, black-tailed deer hunt with donald trump jr. that's too many things! that's too many things in one thing. you gotta keep it simple for don jr.! he'd be just as happy whippin' lightbulbs at an old van in the woods! ( as don jr. ) "eric, go stand by the van!" "stand by the van, you butt-face! come on, catch it." there is also a performance from the beach boys. i for one cannot wait to hear don jr. singing along. (singing "wouldn't it be nice") ♪ wouldn't it be nice to kill a mammal ♪ from the comfort of a fancy yacht ♪ and wouldn't it be nice if my dad would hug me ♪ i guess i'll hug the deer that i just shot ♪ ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight! james taylor is back! sweet baby james. and when we come back, how about some "meanwhile!" would you like some "meanwhile." ever since we moved here, i've been noticing it. i think the house is changing him... -[ gasps ] -up and at 'em! ...into his father. [ eerie music plays ] is it scary? -[ gasps ] -it's in eco mode. so don't touch it. mm-hmm. i can't stop this from swinging. must be a draft in here. but he did save a bunch of money bundling our home and auto with progressive. progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. -hello? -sorry, honey. [ telephone beeps ] butt dial. ♪ gefor amazing gifts plus sweet savings... with an extra 20 or 15% off! save on kids' valentine's apparel... and the keurig k-elite. plus take an extra 20% off fine and silver jewelry... and you'll get a diamond bracelet for just $61.19! plus get kohl's cash! at kohl's and kohl's dot com. what's the time? device: a dime is ten cents. severe cold or flu? take control with theraflu. powerful, soothing relief device: (sneezes) my skin gets so tired. this new olay serum feels so dewy, and hydrated... gives my skin an extra boost of life. it's full of energy. it finally matches me. i'm denise bidot, and my skin is powerful. and i can face anything with my olay. two bacon, two sausage, this is the two eggssuper slam. hash browns and pancakes and now make those pancakes all you can eat for a buck. that's where the duper comes in. the all new super duper slam just seven ninety nine. see you at denny's. 4( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! give up up for jon batiste and stay human! jon, happy friday. happy friday. > jon: yeah! >> stephen: it's a good feeling. it's a good feeling. ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah >> stephen:ion, you know because you were here, monday we had our dear friend, american treasure, james taylor was on the show. we talked for 10 minutes. it was a fascinating, heart-warming, i would say, conversation about his life. we broadcast 10 minutes of it. we actually talked to him for over 30 minutes that night with some extraordinary stories. and tonight we're going to do another 10, 15, with james? james will be back tonight-- he's not back. we're running more of the interview from monday. but no extra charge. more james, there it is. >> jon: gotta let the people check that out. >> stephen: you know, i spend a lot of time over over there, artfully carving, planing, and polishing the spruce and willow wood of today's news, stringing it with the alloy-treated synthetic cat gut of the latest headlines, to craft the stradivarius that is my monologue. but after the applause dies down i like to collect my roses, i like to take that fiddle down to memaw's cellar, bang on an overturned basin, scrape the old washboard, and finish off theba b e tushinon them back at you in the barefoot jugband hoedown of a segment that i call: "meanwhile!" did gives and it gives. it's a bottomless well of joy "meanwhile." meanwhile, a florida traffic stop led to two narcotics arrests after police found a bag containing drugs in the car. the tip-off? the bag was labeled "bag full of drugs." ( laughter ) and they would have gotten away with it, if not for their getaway vehicle. ( laughter ) ( applause ) meanwhile, "youtube has revealed its ad revenues for the first time," and it's a whopping "$15 billion a year." now, you may ask how youtube is raking in such an insane amount of money, but the fact-- no, no! not the youtube ad countdown thing! no! >> head stuck in a drawer? you need drawer freshener, the only non-f.d.a. appr--" >> stephen: yes, skip ad. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) why do they-- why do they always show me that one ad? i googled "head stuck in a drawer" one time. manwhile, a team of scientists believe yarn grown from human skin could soon be used to stitch up surgical patients and repair organs. the head of the team was quoted as saying, "and it's definitely not for making human centipedes, if that's what you're thinking. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm just going to ta a bke otof my t home lab. you know what's not worth worrying about? missing hitchhikers." ( cheers and applause ) thresearchers say their "human textile," which they developed from skin cells, can be used for knitting, sewing, and even crochet, and can aid a number of medical procedures." wait. and can aid in medical procedures? that makes it sound like the primary purpose is regular knitting and crochet. "ohhh, i'm just making another skin scarf for joey. i worry that off in college he's not staying creepy enough."rigee that." meanwhile, "robert pattinson is the hottest man in the world, according to math." e calculations were performed by the renowned research team of becca and hailey. ( laughter ) pattinson's number-one hottie status actually comes from plastic surgeon julian de silva, who made his determination using something called "the golden ratio of beauty phi," an ancient formula that is widely used to measure physical perfection. great job, dr. de silva. historically, if you're calculating physical perfection using a formula, you're one of the good guys. ( laughter ) as de silva points out, leonardo da vinci used "beauty phi" when drawing the vitruvian man. yes, famous smoke show, the vitruvian man. i mean, just look. at. how. hot. he. is! mmm! i mean you could just-- yeah! ( applause ) you could just lose yourself in that cavernous eye socket. meanwhile, "red lobster has released heart-shaped boxes of cheddar bay biscuits for valentine's day. i love when food comes in a package that's the shape of the thing it's going to destroy. that's why-- ( applause ) that's why i exclusively drink "dr. cirrhosis' liver-shaped bourbon." meanwhile, domino's pizza has debuted a one-of-a-kind pizza-themed engagement ring-- perfect for people who want to guarantee the end of their relationship in 30 minutes or less. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with james taylor. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) it's time to step up. pr up. step up. prep up. to help keep you free from the risk of hiv. from the makers of truvada, a new prep option: descovy for prep. a once-daily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. it's not for everyone. in peoe assigned female at birth. talk to your doctor to find out if it's right for you. step up. for health and body. prep up for your one and only love or many loves. for kings, this queen, and you royals in between. for my now. our now. and my future. our future. step up. prep up. descovy is the newest way to prep. descovy does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections, so it's important to use safer sex practices and get tested regularly. you must be hiv-negative to take descovy for prep. so you need to get tested for hiv immediately before and at least every 3 months while taking it. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. they may check to confirm you are still hiv-negative. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. the most common side effect was diarrhea. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy wit talkin your doctor. ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. words are loud but actions are louder. step up. prep up. with descovy for prep. get help paying for descovy for prep. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ applebee's new irresist-a-bowls now starting at $7.99. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. actions speak louder than words. she was a school teacher. my dad joined the navy and helped prosecute the nazis in nuremberg. their values are why i walked away from my business, took the giving pledge to give my money to good causes, and why i spent the last ten years fighting corporate insiders who put profits over people. i'm tom steyer, and i approve this message. because, right now, america needs more than words. we need action. the "lat "late show" we get a gt who tells such great sthars we can't fit it all in one show. james taylor was here earlier this week, and we weren't able to air all of it. so we have a special treat for you tonight, more sweet baby james! when when did your first album come out? >> that came out in this country in '69, in england, in late '68. >> stephen: when was "sweet baby james?" what was it like to be breaking on the scene at that time? >> to be in london in 1968 and to be signed to and recording with the beatles, seeing them every day in the studio -- >> stephen: this is the part that people may not know is that you were the first non-english act, or non-british act-- >> non-beatles. >> stephen: first non-beatles-- >> first act -- >> stephen: other than the beatles signed to apple. >> yeah. >> stephen: how did that come about? >> you know, it was just good luck. but, of course, it followed a number of years of bad luck. so, but-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: i guess that's how that works. >> yeah. i was introduced to peter asher, who, of cou hrse,adn asion of -- >> stephen: peter and gordon. >> peter and gordon, yeah. peter really, he's the one who gave me my big break. >> stephen: and what was he at apple? >> he had just signed on as head of a& r, which is terribly a talent scout. and, yeah, he was looking for people to sign. it couldn't have been better-- better timed. and i went over to visit peter, and i played him my little demo. it was on a reel-to-reel tape, you know. and he liked it, and i-- he gave me a guitar, and i played a few other thngs.d, "yeah, that sounds good. let's go to apple and see if we can interest a beatle in it." so... that's what we did. we went over there. and the way peter recalls it, i-- i have very little memory of the day, because i'm-- i'm nervous now, but at that point, i was, like vibrating at about 440hertz. >> stephen: an "a." >> yan "a." i was really-- i was really nervous. and i barely remember it. i felt as though i was underwater for the entire day. >> stephen: so who was there when you get there? were there any beatles available? did. >> there were. >> stephen: did you get one out of their crate. >> that's right. they busted a seal on a can of beatles. paul mccartney and george harrison were there. and the way peter remembers it is that he just-- we went into a room at-- in baker, baker street, which is where the apple offices were at that point. and he just-- peter leaned out of the door into the hallway ane house?" ( laughter ) and-- and, it-- it turned out there were two beatles? ( laughter ). >> stephen: sure, that's enough. >> but peter said, "listen, i've got this guy here.