>> greg: yes, yes, yes, yes. happy tuesday, everybody. yeah. all right. let's do it. the secret service is stumped by this baggy of bump. there you go. remember when somebody left a bag of cocaine in the white house? and remember how the secret service evacuated the west wing and closed off the streets surrounding the white house? initially everybody thought joe had once again left a floater in the men's room. then remember how one of president biden press's children was staying in the taxpayer funded facility at the time because joe wanted to keep the impressionable youngster away from bad influences or at the least hide him from process servers and remember how karine jean-pierre got angry that the press kept asking about it even though she didn't want to talk about it. >> can you just say once and for all whether or not the cocaine belonged to the biden family? >> you know, there has been some irresponsible reporting about the family, and so i've got to call that out here. i was clear two days ago when talking about this over and over again. the biden family was not here. so to ask that question is actually incredibly irresponsible, and, and i'll just leave it there. >> greg: wow. the way she's reacting i'm starting to believe maybe she sold it to hunt hr. you know, press secretaries don't get paid much, it's true. during the bush administration dana perino was selling injokedable butt implants on the turnpike. her street name ways derriere dana. remember the secret service said they had no idea who left the blow in the most secure building in the world. that's harder to swallow than jeffrey dahmer's meat loaf. come on people that's tasteless? that's like asking who is the hottest late night talk show host. the answer's right in front of you. well, that big cocaine headache has returned. the white house released new pics of that pesky pouch of powder and as you can see the culprit didn't just drop the bag of happy dust all willy-nilly, it was stored in a locker for cell phones. it was locker number 50 to be precise, which is most likely unlocked with some sort of key. that's what the little keyhole is for. i learned that by watching law and order. and also when i hide in the planet fitness locker room. so i've got an idea. why not find out who has the key to locker number 50 right? i'm not nancy drew, although i can rock a plaid skirr but if you find the person with the key to that locker you're one step closer to finding the owner of the nose candy. but who could be that forgetful to leave a bag of coke behind. ca veto said the same today, we always forget our cocaine and not the cell phone not the reverse. joking it wasn't cavuto. what will this unnamed culprit forget next? a laptop. according to the secret service, they could only narrow down the suspect to 500 people despite all their surveillance cameras and other security. they couldn't figure out who it was so they closed the case in 11 days, the same amount of time it takes joe to find his way off stage. so here are the suspects so far. based on the symptoms we know about cocaine abuse or use, it leads to aggressive behavior like a certain bitey dog named commander. it can also lead to extreme weight loss. or perhaps deterioration in hygiene habits. and you can't count out those who are constantly laughing and dancing. and, you know, some might say she's a doctor which is the perfect cover for running a drug ring. how about dilated pupils and nonstop gibberish? and don't forget excessive lying. and, of course, there's all this sniffling and sniffing. but there's someone we know it can't be. absolutely, it's not him. no way, don't even think about it. no, seriously, knock it off. anyway, here's one reason why it might not have been hunter's coke. according to his secret service report with the daily mail testing showed the cocaine was cut with baking soda. you have to think hunter bucks up for the pure stuff am i right? we know he can afford it. true this coke was more stepped on than an american flag at a college protest. other than these new pictures why are we revisiting this story? by way of comparison the feds are still tracking down people who entered the capitol building on january 6, 2021, that was almost three years ago but the feds are still on the case. which means they're probably innocent. think about it. it's judge they don't changes rich democrats about their crimes because what do you do when you find out that they're guilty. you do nothing. you can't. your hands are tied. it's better to chase trump supporters instead and lock them up. so they nailed the guy who put up his feet on pelosi's desk but not the criminal master mind who left a bag of coke in the white house. it's amazing what the government can accomplish with the proper motivation, and what they can specifically avoid doing, especially when they're given the order to stand down. the secret service used to be the one federal agency everybody could trust. they have the toughest job in the world, putting their lives on the line to protect the president. they have to swear to take a bullet for someone. which is what i expect from kilmeade when we're now public tock. now they're bumbling around trying to solve the simplest crimes. either those agents really are incompetent or they're just pretending to succeed at their job in order to protect the biden family. which likelihood is worse? one thing for sure hunter isn't losing any sleep over this. i wonder why. >> period [cheers and applause]. >> greg: let's welcome tonight's guests. we're demanding a ceasefire against his taylor, host of fox across america, jimmy failla! [cheers and applause] >> greg: she's funny talented and good looking. wait, that's me. actress and comedian chandler juliet! [cheers and applause] >> greg: she's too small to tackle and impossible to shackle. new york times best selling author and fox news contributor kat timpf! [cheers and applause] >> greg: and he trims his beard with an outboard motor, new york times best selling author, comedian and former nwa world champion, tyrus! [cheers and applause] >> greg: you know, jimmy, since this is a story basically, you know, about smuggling cocaine into the white house, we figured you would be the expert on at least smuggling cocaine. you'll never get near the white house. what do you think is going on here? >> jimmy: the truth is it's hunter's. we know it's hunter's because in order for the coke to get not the white house it needs to bypass security and only the family is bypassing security. you dig. and if we learned anything about the laptop this guy has a lot of suspicious. good night everybody. the only thing i will tell you as a take away, i'm not a drug dealer. >> greg: you just play someone who's playing an undercover drug dealer on 21 jump street. >> jimmy: you know you can tell what you look like based on how you walk through times square and the drug dealers approach you. when i first started on fox brothers would approach me we have coke, we have speed. i walk through this morning he's like we have lipitor, you and your girl will sleep tonight with the breathe right strips daddy. i feel for the drug dealers. but at the same time the lack of interest in this story is why people hate the media for being hypocritical. they freaked out when trump brought diet coke to the white house. this guy's showing up with original recipe we don't get a gosh darn word. >> greg: chandler that's a an excellent point surprised it came from jimmy but remember when trump was president they were running articles constantly about what drug he was on. he's always tweeting at night he must be on adderall or maybe taking some kind of speed but here they don't seem to mind neither does the fbi. what do you think. >> chandler: you're right he said his sniffle was because he used to do cocaine you're absolutely right. they couldn't come up with any suspects because everybody in the white house does blow now it's the only way they can get lou the day and it's definitely not hunter's because it was cut with baking soda. maybe they sent it to him and he tested it out and said that's not the real thing. >> greg: just throw tonight the locker. baking soda, not that i would know, seems like an odd thing to cut cocaine with. usually it's baby laxative, again not why i would know >> kat: i get why it's so hard to find the person that did this though. people that do a lot of cocaine, they never talk. look, i don't think it's hunter's though because he smokes crack rocks right? not -- he liked to smoke the crack rocks and not sport it sfliet. >> greg: true. you're absolutely right >> kat: i also think the investigation wouldn't be that hard. they said they narrowed it down to 500 people. they do narrow it down with one question. >> greg: which is? >> kat: want a bump? i should be a detective. >> greg: you really should. i would watch the hell out of a law and order svu timpf >> kat: me too. >> tyrus: i'm in. >> greg: so tyrus, the story reminds me of a lot of stories in the media where they don't bother following up. like we talked about how the homeless were just swept off the streets of san francisco and where did they go? nobody knows. you find coke, who does it belong to? nobody knows. i guess we'll never find out. >> tyrus: everybody knows and you know what? i'm proud of everyone on this panel, you have never sold drugs because you don't know that baking soda is how you make crack. >> greg: oh, really? [gasp]. >> greg: my word. >> tyrus: listen people i'm going to educate you. listen, i don't condone making crack but if you must, baking soda is important. okay? so they boil it down, you have to boil it down and they use baking soda to rock it up. so it was not his cocaine, he didn't have cocaine he had pre crack in the locker room but i didn't have cocaine in the locker room. he would be the guy that buys that because he likes crack and smokes crack and if it was cocaine he would do the same with baking powder cut because that's what it's like and it's cheaper and those of us who have seen the way he pays child support it's his. we 1,000% know it's his stuff plus i watch forensic file and one of the things besides see men that get men in trouble all the time is fingerprints and plastic baggies are very good at catching fingerprints. shouldn't be hard, one dust and oh, we have a print. and it was a locker, again, surface very good at catching a print. they already knew. they want it to go away. and they try to confuse americans saying we have 500 suspects. my point, great, bring them in. i would love to see the lineup. we know who say it is, it's his and it won't come out because if it does get found out that it's his he goes to jail. so that's why the secret -- they're not taking a real bullet, they're taking a bullet for the president to protect his son. >> greg: it's infuriating. i think the contrast between this and january 6th is really important. because there are people -- there's no shortage of agents investigating these people. some people that weren't even there, you know? and instead this guy, it's just unbelievable. >> tyrus: we could have wrapped this investigation up. i would have cleaned it up with tyrus and timpf detectives, walk in the room, put the light on, i'm going to get a cup of coffee, kat would have sat down, want a bump. and i would have come in, care for baking soda and we would have had it. >> greg: kat would you have a catch phrase? >> kat: yeah, want a bump. i would not have a catch phrase screw i love tyrus that you know the crack recipe. >> tyrus: yeah, i sold drugs when i was younger. >> jimmy: i have a different steve doocy cookbook, i got to buy that one. >> greg: we must move on. up next data shows trump's cruising while joe's snoozing. >> if you'll be in the new york area and would like tickets to see gutfeld, go to foxnews.com/gutfeld and click on the link to join our studio audience. ♪ nexium 24hr prevents heartburn acid for twice as long as pepcid. get all-day and all-night heartburn acid prevention with just one pill a day. choose acid prevention. choose nexium. he hits his mark —center stage—and is crushed by a baby grand piano. you're replacing me? customize and save with liberty bibberty. he doesn't even have a mustache. only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ i have moderate to severe crohn's disease. now, there's skyrizi. ♪ things are looking up, i've got symptom relief. ♪ ♪ control of my crohn's means everything to me. ♪ ♪ control is everything to me. ♪ feel significant symptom relief at 4 weeks with skyrizi, including less abdominal pain and fewer bowel movements. skyrizi is the first il-23 inhibitor that can deliver remission and visibly improve damage of the intestinal lining. and the majority of people experienced long-lasting remission at one year. serious allergic reactions and an increased risk of infections or a lower ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms, had a vaccine or plan to. liver problems may occur in crohn's disease. ♪ now's the time to ask your gastroenterologist how you can take control of your crohn's with skyrizi. ♪ ♪ control is everything to me. ♪ ♪ learn how abbvie could help you save. if you have chronic kidney disease you can reduce the risk of kidney failure with farxiga. because there are places you'd rather be. farxiga can cause serious side effects, including ketoacidosis that may be fatal, dehydration, urinary tract, or genital yeast infections, and low blood sugar. a rare, life-threatening bacterial infection in the skin of the perineum could occur. stop taking farxiga and call your doctor right away if you have symptoms of this infection, an allergic reaction, or ketoacidosis. ♪ far-xi-ga ♪ ♪ >> greg: there you go. light applause. will trump wipe the floor in 2024. true donned has states flipping while old joe's still stripping. an in-depth survey -- i've got to stop vaping, finds donald trump will crush joe biden in the electoral college in 2024 and reclaim the white house once and for all. though, to be fair, i'm pretty sure my last uber driver could curb joe biden in the electoral college. this news hasn't sat well with the media. [krug] >> greg: it's true. treatment for trump derangement is already flying off the shelves. the number crunchers that stack data strategy say trump is on track to get 282 electoral votes while biden gets 246 and trump is expected to flip four key states that went against him in 2020, arizona georgia pennsylvania and wisconsin. by the way that thumping sound you're hearing is hillary clinton beating her head against the wall. so as trump new york's fraud trial goes on we are headed for the third greatest act since sixth sense when we found out he would grow up to be a weird looking adult. as the witch hunters keep throwing charges and indictments at trump are they actually doing the biggest favor he could ask for? they're keeping him busy which in turn makes his less visible and this has voters remembering what he did as president as opposed to what he said. as each month passes he just looks better and better and joe looks worse and worse. so what's joe got to say? >> oh, no, no, look, they only like the guy because they don't see him anymore. i mean, out of sight out of mind. but you're talking to an expert in that field, all right? i'm hiden joe biden. i'm heading back to the basement, baby. oh, yeah. last time i spent so much time in the basement i grew mold on my chest. here, you want to see? look at this. oh, geez. oh, god. all right somebody call karine jean-pierre. [cheers and applause] >> greg: chandler we're less than a year away right? we're under a year. what do you make of this electoral college survey? >> chandler: i can't talk about the election without doing my duty to share the truth that they have been hiding from us and it is the election is flat. >> greg: really? >> chandler: i'm not afraid to say it i'm not crazy and i'm not suicidal. >> greg: really? i lost you. it's flat? >> chandler: listen, i can't say these things on air for obvious reasons so you guys have to do your own research okay? research flat election. >> greg: flat election. >> chandler: uh-huh. >> greg: what do you mean? >> jimmy: i date one of those in 7th grade. >> tyrus: i have one at night, flat election >> jimmy: there's a pill for this. we could fix this. >> greg: that was the joke? iwarix? >> greg: that was the joke? >> tyrus: it was to me. >> greg: i didn't get it. that went over my head. >> tyrus: well, you're short. >> jimmy: boom. >> greg: what do you make of this stuff tyrus? >> tyrus: i just did. >> kat: we're at work right now. >> tyrus: yes, i know. and to be fair i don't have a flat erection. >> greg: do you have to regain your composure, tyrus. >> chandler: he just snorted. >> tyrus: oh, man i ain't laughed this hard since i was a little school girl. give me a second. oh. what was the question? >> greg: the question is do you foresee a trump victory in 2024. >> tyrus: oh, that. >> greg: what if he's in jail? >> tyrus: he will be in jail. they're not going to stop. like this trial is -- what you know? i keep saying that we had bill clinton was the first black president, then we had barack obama. i am convinced now that trump is the third black president just by the way this trial's going. if you ever been in trial and a brother and a judge says i don't care what you have to say, welcome to black america. so this is literally what's going on. he will be elected. whoever the vp is going to have to pardon him to get him out but the good news is when they get him out he'll be able to walk out of prison, walk up to the podium and talk some really good [bleep]. whereas the other side, when he gets sworn in, it will be his last rights. >> greg: that's a good point. >> tyrus: a year from now, biden will literally be on his death bed when he gets elected. >> greg: kat i have a theory would you like to hear my theory? i mentioned it last week briefly. the biden presidency was like a super bowl half time. it's like the first half was trump and it was so exhausten and exciting you needed a pee break, make a sandwich, that was the biden presidency. now we're waiting for second half which is trump who's going to come back and have the rest of this amazing game >> kat: i'm really glad you brought it up because i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. [laughter] >> kat: look, i just -- the only reason people do these studies and surveys this area is so people like us will talk about them because there's no way to know. just think about november of 2019. i was so sure, i was like, you know, like trump's go to win, so sure. and then the whole covid thing. who saw that coming? if we could have seen that into the future, like it's illegal to be at a restaurant. are there people working out at this gym? yes, you're under arrest. that was a real thing that happened. nobody could have predicted that. the only reason we believe it is because we lived through it because it actually was that crazy. so who knows what will happen between now and november. maybe none of us will even be people anymore. >> greg: what's scary you know that as trump is winning the media is going to get crazy. it is it's going to be super crazy jimmy. >> this is what i think. politics and the omnipotent president, that's a big word for me, of the president, we're analyzing these polls as if this is who trump is running against. biden is not running, there's no way behind closed doors they think he's running. when you see obama supporters speaking up saying what's going on with the polls. we can't have a president that makes the sign language interpreter shrug. joe biden actually said at the state of the union second to last line, now is the time to choose between unit and swhmegini