also, we had the first republican presidential debate, each of the candidates tried to show why they would do a better job as president than the absentee in chief. so how did they all do? the truth is the entire debate was driven by one indian guy. just like my uber today. >> a racist would say! >> greg: the fact you would even laugh at something like that says a lot about your taste in comedy. vivek certainly made his presence known. first of all his teeth are amazing. he makes donnie osmond look like johnny depp. but how weird was it that he was the focal point and not desantis. he became the catalyst for the most interesting discussions. he brought the fire, the ideas, and that tremendous forehead. yeah. you can show a double feature on that thing at the same time. not one after the other, because that's what normally a double feature is. but you would be doing it on two separate screens on his forehead. i'm glad i explained this for you. but it was vivek who provoked the most contention debates. >> let me explain it to you vivek, if i can. i'll go slower this time. now is not the time for on-the-job training. we don't need to bring in a rookie. >> the guy who sounds like chatgpt standing up here, the last person in one of these debates bret who stood in the middle of the stage and said what's a skinny guy with an odd last name doing up here was barack obama, and i'm afraid we're dealing with the same type of amateur tonight. >> you have no foreign policy experience and it shows. >> greg: wow. talk about some hot indian on indian action right there. [laughter] >> greg: if joe biden had just turned on the debate, he would think 7-11 started a talk show. for those of you who don't remember, that was joe biden's line. after that, nicky picked a fight with tim scott by hitting him on spending. a woman complaining about spending. that's got to be a first. >> a sexist would say! >> greg: i'm looking at the people that laughed at both the racist and sexist thing. truth is, nikki did have a good night even if she played the woman card, but vivek and nikki both demonstrate the changes going on in the republican party. as the dems become the party of miserable single people with graduate degrees in english, the republicans have quietly become the stewards of the american dream for immigrants and the working class. you know the very thing the dems pretended they are. meanwhile, the republican party has become so inclusive they only kept one black guy out. that's funny, you jerks. i have no patience today. but it's where the energy in the party is. it's where the fresh ideas are. it's where the future lies. which brings us to this fellow. now, i know he sounds great, but he looks like a wax figure of himself. doesn't he feel like the past, like looking at a picture of your metal shop teacher in your year book? he had the roughest hands. only eight fingers. but that added to his charm. ron desantis had a good night, but not memorable. he scored on crime, soros prosecutors. but do we need to see the clips? not really. it's weird, you know, florida's booming and this guy, this guy defied the lockdowns, and he fired two soros prosecutors. yet, when he puts on his tough guy voice, he sounds like a pissed off barney fife. it's not fair really. of course there's tim scott great story great guy. but why did he leave half way through. made no sense, probably wanted to get home for gutfeld. the joke's on him, it was preempted. christie started off subdued. he was so quiet i could hear his stomach growling. but then he found his favorite little spot, and went after trump. >> someone's got to stop normalizing this conduct. whether or not you believe that the criminal charges are right or wrong, the conduct is beneath the office of president of the united states. this is the great thing about this country. booing is allowed, but it doesn't change the truth. >> greg: of course, trump wasn't there. and i've won a few fights like that as well. without the opponent it feels like shadow boxing. there was this other guy there, too, you know, way at the end. was he one of the ushers? he's got a great look, though. not for president of the united states but definitely the governor of transylvania. asa hutchinson wins in the comb-over category. this candidate had a coverup even before taking office. and, of course, bret and martha, they did exceptional, they were like two substitute teachers trying to control the naughty kids at high school detention. maybe next time give them super soakers filled with cat pee. so as we gain some distance from the debate, i think what we'll remember is vivek challenging the establishment and having fun doing it. is he ready for the presidency? i don't know, but why not? i mean biden was ready. [laughter] >> greg: look what he did. the less ready the better. and, true, i have underwear older than vivek, but i stole them from stuart varney. i usually go commando. but this was just the first of many debates. it was fun and very american. and let's not get too hysterical over it. the truth is nobody really laid a glove on trump. he's got a bigger lead than jimmy failla in an ugly jacket contest. the other candidates are basically playing for second place, much like msnbc, or jesse watters. but as the country gets to know these other candidates, trump may have to show up at some point. otherwise he risks the voters getting comfortable with some of these new faces. which makes me wonder. what did biden think of the debate? >> hey. hey, i told you don't bother me while i'm doing my pilates, all right? i'll answer all your questions after i do this plank. one, two, three, ughh, four, five, six [snoring]. >> period! >> greg: let's welcome tonight's guests! women beg him to put them in handcuffs former nypd inspector paul mauro! [cheers and applause] >> greg: she knows fake headlines like i know weird tan lines, writer at the babylon bee ashley st. clair! [cheers and applause] >> greg: he dresses like a magician and can make a comedy crowd disappear. host of fox across america, jimmy failla! [cheers and applause] >> greg: and she's like a muffler, small, loud, and often found underneath cars. fox news contributor, kat timpf! [cheers and applause] >> greg: so, jimmy, what did you make of the performance? you're used to bombing. >> jimmy: let's talk about the bad first, okay, get it out of the way. burgum a mess, okay? how are you going to tell me you're going to reign in the government if you can't reign in your eyebrows, you know what i mean? and asa hutchinson you know what he convinced me of, they need the orchestra where you can play people off, because they all go off the bell but if you kept playing maybe he would get it and shut up because nobody cared what he said. va vehicle was the star because he's taken a note out of trump's play book, he's running for class president, talking smack. but the joke that you made saying he was a driver. do you know what a taxi driver a big deal he is. because everyone is indian. i knew two guys named oh sam a bin laden? they called me and said they got bin laden and i was like for what speed? and i think anybody on that stage would kick biden's ass, anybody. >> greg: we'll see about that. ashley welcome to the show. >> ashley: thank you for having me. vivek was obviously the standout. chris christie tried hitting him but he should probably stick to hitting the buff fay instead that goes a little bit better for him. and the reality is that most americans, many americans, are having a hard time feeding themselves as well as chris christie did and vivek did the to that and he spoke to the pains of everyday americans and that's why he stood out. i would trust him as president. >> greg: there is that thing that chris christie says, i haze the phrase normalizing, i really hate that. and it's like, okay, trump has some faults but, i mean, you know, chris, come on, you're normalizing something else. >> jimmy: oh, gregory. no, i agree with you, kristi needs to step down and then step up and then step down and step up repeatedly. >> greg: that was funny. all right, paul -- that was pretty good. you have to use that this weekend. >> did we edit that out? >> greg: don't applaud. >> don't encourage it. >> greg: all right, nice jacket. >> paul: thank you very much. it was tremendously entertaining. that was the most surprising thing i thought. we were going to get two howevers policy swankering and all that stuff, it was like professional wrestling. i was waiting for tyrus. i thought the highlight was when nikki and vivek went at each other. wasn't it like she was a hair away from saying young man go to your room. right? you were waiting for her, wait until your father gets home. the low point, for me, pence. all right, because he starts talking about defund, defund. right? last i checked you were in office during the summer of love in 2020, they were burning down portland and seattle and macy's in midtown. i didn't see any ricos made against antifa. so sit down grandpa. sorry. >> greg: did he have any power in that at all? >> he was the vice-president. >> greg: but, i mean, like, i don't know what he -- i don't know what the vice-president -- >> he's the second guy under the president. that's the way they set it up. >> greg: i wonder what president i would like to be under. [laughter] >> greg: knock it off obama. all right, kat, i know you watched it >> kat: yeah. >> greg: what did you think? >> kat: it was fine. i actually didn't find it to be that entertaining, but maybe i have a just seen too much. i think like vivek was probably the standout, i completely agree. it is really interesting to watch all these people though saying so many awesome things about trump, as if we don't also know that they are also running against trump. like when he came out and was like okay, he's the greatest in the 21st century. i'm like, okay, but you're not going to vote for him? so i think that that's really interesting. because normally you would see them fighting against the front runner but people aren't doing that. a lot of little interesting sub plots. there was the whole tim scott and mike pence trying to kind of outjesus each other. that was a little interesting. but i don't know. i thought it was -- they were all polling so far behind trump i think trump will be the nominee. >> greg: did the chatgpt line, do you believe the audience got that or did they just laugh because it sounded like an it phrase. >> paul: it was well delivered, almost like a punch line but what ace ironic kristi thought it was an insult. everyone under 30 thought it was the best compliment in the world. >> jimmy: funny you said it's well delivered because if anyone knows about delivery it's kristi, you know. >> greg: leave on a high note jimmy. leave on a high note. >> jimmy: oh, there you go. one thing -- >> greg: wait, no. i said leave on a high note. >> jimmy: oh, i'm sorry. i had none. >> greg: up next, an absurd segment on men getting pregnant >> if you'll be in the new york area and would like tickets to see gutfeld go to foxnews.com/gutfeld and click on the link to join our studio audience. ♪ association walk to end alzheimer's, this is why we walk. ♪ they're why we walk. ♪ we walk in the alzheimer's association walk to end alzheimer's because we're getting closer to beating this disease. join us. hi! need new glasses? buy one pair, get one free at visionworks! how can you see me squinting? i can't! i'm just telling everyone!...hey! buy one pair, get one free for back to school. visionworks. see the difference. 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[boo] >> greg: oh, there we go. i miss the good old days when they only wanted taxpayers to pay off student loans. such a surgery would cost as much as 300 grand and that's on top of the $30 co-pay. the association argues it will help with their mental health, which ironically is the craziest [bleep] thing i've ever heard. quote, trans women lack a trait, the ability to bear children. yeah, we get it. that may cause them to experience psychological dis center city that undermines their health and well-being. lack of a uterus is an obstacle to full participation in the social goods attached to women's identity. well, yeah, no [bleep] they can't bear children. they're biological men. pretty sure they covered that in sixth grade health class. i'm sorry you degenerate doctors, but i don't want my tax dollars to pay for implanting a man's emotional support womb. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> greg: no, it's okay. bret baier pointed out, that eats into people's time. and you may be wondering, how would this even work? it's never been done before. well, once. but obviously -- couldn't find the poster. it goes against name as i understand it, the biological male would first undergo some downstairs remodeling, and, trust me, you do not want to know the details. i'm not talking a light makeover like trigged spaces, i'm talking heavy demolition like this old house. then they snatch a healthy donor woman from a deceased woman or someone getting a hysterectomy and then implanted into the man and connected to the brand new, never been used before, vagina. hell all of this makes victor frankenstein look like an amateur. even he never tried to turn a groom into a pregnant bride. imagine what harvesting wombs would like look. >> all right, well thanks for coming in today. tell me about your uterus. >> well, it's in like new condition. >> oh, like new. check. low miles? >> yes, very low in fact. >> that's so good. see i'm still looking for one with that new uterus smell. how's it handle? >> like a dream. i just had it aligned last week. >> still under warranty? >> yes, for the next 14,000 miles. >> can i see it? i was talking about the warranty. >> oh, right. i have it right here. >> great. [cheers and applause] >> greg: gene really likes that orange jacket. he's even wearing it in the skits now. you ever buy one piece of clothing and then you just never stop wearing it and then you never wear it again, that's his orange jacket. ashley you write for the babylon bee and i know this is a cliche and people go wow this story sounds like it could have been written by the babylon bee. this is actually worse. this is bad. >> ashley: almost bad, it's hard to make up satire that keeps up with reality but how dare they use our tax dollars besides anything other than funding ukraine. i also don't think they know what a uterus is because i guarantee they'll be begging to return it within 30 days once they find out. [laughter]. >> boom. >> greg: kat, you have a uterus and congratulations, i don't. >> kat: well, i don't really use mine for anything. >> greg: it is great when you need to carry on >> kat: i do have one. >> greg: and congrats, by the way. but let's say i decided i wanted a uterus, you're not using yours. would you offer your uterus to me? >> kat: no. like i want to keep it. >> greg: but i think that's kind of selfish if you're not using the uterus, why aren't you sharing it with others, like me? >> greg: yeah, i'm not using it because that's just -- it's scary to have a kid because what if they grow up and they suck and it's all your fault that you did that. but i also just -- this technology isn't even there yet. even experts say the soonest, it's decades and decades away. how crazy is it that there's not even a whisper of a possibility of this happening anytime soon but, yeah, you do need to pay for it though >> greg: this is what they're doing, it's may i seeing. before we know it we're going to have self-driving uteruses. i've been waiting for a flying uterus. but, okay, paul --. >> paul: what are you looking at me for? >> greg: i think the thing i want to go to you for is the american medical association once was a reputable thing they put out the journal of the american medical social called jama, these are the guys and the gals, although we know. are mds. and they're doing -- when we lose the medical association, we're screwed. >> paul: yeah, bad sign. so all i can think of when i see this is, here's a whole other list of pronouns that i'm not going to learn, folks. all right? because it's just another way to divide us. because what it will be ultimately is a schism in the trans community. i'm trans. oh, you're trans as well but you don't have a uterus? yu. it will be another way to self identify as something else. here's the thing i did 30 seconds of research. you go on the ama westbound side and look at their funding. 25% comes from corporate funding. you look at the list, not a long list, i'm not going to say any names. then look at who makes and manufactures estrogen. what a shock, there's some commonalities there. at the end of the day as the saying goes follow the money. by the time this works you can order a baby from amazon or something. but sincerely -- >> greg: but please put holes in the box. >> jimmy: nothing worse. >> greg: my guinea pig business started out very badly. [laughter] >> greg: those were adorable things, rest in peace. jimmy, if i were a woman, and let's say i were, the first thing i would do is get my driver's license and not become an organ donor. no man is getting my uterus. >> jimmy: first of all, doesn't that suck, okay? second of all, this is a serious point. don't we owe or don't they owe a monstrous apology to j.k. rowling, inn because j.k. rowling famously said only biological women can men straight and give birth and they literally tried to kill her, like chase her out of polite society for like telling the truth. that's the part of this i think is a little built of a weirdo scam. but the truth is like, when you think about the nerve to ask taxpayers to -- like i would feel bad if we were at a bar asking you to buy me a beer. can you imagine being like, can you buy me a vagina? you know what i mean. i don't know where people get the gall. >> greg: that would be a great name for a drink though. i'll have two vaginas. heavy on the salt. on the rim. on the rim. the joke only works if you say on the rim. >> jimmy: listen, we're in times square, we're in times square sometimes when you order two vaginas, they send you home with an adam's apple instead. you have to be careful how you phrase it. >> greg: another great name for a drink, an adam's apple. >> jimmy: an adam's sour apple. >> greg: exactly. all right i've disgusted myself. up next he wanted photos with swift which made his boss miffed. paint that can't get the game? ...a clown! sorry, what app was it again? no, no. just give me a second... amateurs. ohhh! sorry everybody. directv sports central gives you access to every game... ...so you never have to compromise on gameday. ...was that necessary? i was just illustrating a point. oh. get in the redzone with sports pack. call 1-800-directv looking for a smarter way to mop? introducing the new swiffer powermop. an all-in-one cleaning tool that gives you a mop and bucket clean in half the time. our new cleaning pad has hundreds of scrubbing strips- that absorb and lock dirt away, ( ♪ ) and it has a 360-degree swivel head- that goes places a regular mop just can't. so, you can clean your home faster than ever. don't mop harder, mop smarter, with the new swiffer powermop. if you have moderate to severe crohn's disease skyrizi is the first and only il-23 inhibitor that can deliver clinical remission and endoscopic improvement. serious allergic reactions and an increased risk of infections or a lower ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms, had a vaccine or plan to. liver problems may occur in crohn's disease. control of crohn's means everything to me. ask your gastroenterologist about skyrizi. ♪ control is everything to me ♪ learn how abbvie could help you save. ♪ >> mock it and move on ♪ >> greg: yeah, time to mock it and move on. first up, a security guard, your future job, jimmy, who went viral in june for singing along to taylor swift's songs has been fired for allegedly asking swifties to send him photos of themselves with taylor in the background which broke company policy. kat, he said he just really wanted a photo with swift and these security guards don't make that kind of money where they can get a ticket. maybe this is the only thing he could get that meant something to him. how do you feel? >> kat: i really don't care. but he shouldn't have been fired. i think even he said they had a hard time explaining to him what exactly he did to be fired is because what he did is essentially found a way around the rules without technically breaking the rules and if you work a lot of jobs employers don't like that. think don't want to be creative. they don't want creative security guards. but what he needs no do then is kind of capitalize off of this. he got some attention for it and people do feel bad for him and people really love taylor swift. so there's got to be, you know, some kind of job for him. >> greg: i think he should start stalking her. >> kat: you could also do that. >> greg: jimmy, should a grown man be singing to taylor swift? >> jimmy: no, and that's why -- >> greg: what if he has a womb? >> jimmy: no. honestly, i want him fired for two reasons, okay? first of all, he's a terrible singer, and we can't keep encouraging the bad tik tok performances. but the other reason i want him fired is to research the story, i had to go on tik tok which means all my data just got stolen from ask some chinese kid in a factory on the other side of the world and that's the part i think is stupid. but i don't feel bad for him because what's going to happen? he's going to get like a gofundme, they're going to make him like $2 million. he'll eventually reach out bring him on stage cry and that will be that. >> greg: imagine that poor chinese kid stealing your information. >> jimmy: can i tell you something? i am rooting for that kid. the last time my identity got stolen my credit score went up 22 points. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> greg: paul, do you think he'll be okay? >> paul: i hope so, greg. all right, let's mock this and move on. he's in his mid 30s, he's a security guard, he knows all the words to taylor swift's songs. they did him a favor. >> greg: yeah, that's true. ashley, that was kind of weird asking people to text him foots os. >> ashley: very weird but he should just shake it off. [laughter] >> greg: you're out of here. >> ashley: but if i had a job where he had attend 146 taylor swift concerts i would do whatever i could to get firedd. >> greg: i didn't realize this, she does 44 songs a night? i can barely do five segments of this show. and i love this show. but 44 songs? my god. glad i dumped her. next up, putin's forces reportedly killed mercenary leader yevgeny prigozhin by shooting his private jet out of the sky outside moscow. prigozhin, once america's media hero, remember that? was putin's foe and tried to stage a mute any earlier this year. paul, putin actually called prigozhin a man of difficult fate but talented. he's been dead for weeks, right? >> i don't know, but before i answer this, is this show on in russia? >> greg: no. >> paul: because if you're watching, vladimir, you're a great guy, man. love your work. yeah, anywarix way the last guy that took down a whole plane to kill one guy is pablo escobar. putin's in great guy. by proxy only one removed, this is the same regime, the putin regime, that's been sending hunter biden money. so, you know, we're in great company. >> greg: yeah. ashley, i loved when they thought the coup was happening, how the media was just playing this guy up, and everybody else was going, like, no, he's going to die. >> ashley: you can't really stage a coup against putin and hope you live for very long after that. but i heard when they recovered the body, they opened it up and there was a little prigozhin inside, and then another one, and then another one, and another one, and another, and another [laughter]. >> that's funny. >> greg: it is good. that's better than your jokes. kat, what's your foreign policy expertise telling you? was he on that plane or was this ought fate? >> kat: who knows. i mean he's definitely dead. but also going back to when this all happened, this guy was also like a bad guy. >> greg: yes, very bad >> kat: just because he was fighting against putin, like there can be bad guy versus bad guy can be a thing. i feel like the media always feels like it has to pick some kind of hero winner but what you should do before you do that is google. >> greg: yes, always google >> kat: i know it's hard. >> greg: he should have googled before he got in that plane. >> jimmy: that's what i'm saying. you want to know what the most ridiculous part of the story though? the first pentagon briefing on this is there's no indication it was shot down from a missile. you know, outside from the [bleep] wing falling off. don't you hate when you're just flying and the wing falls? that's why you have to check the car facts greg. you don't know the wings these days. >> paul: they gave him a case of expensive wine at the last second. that's a great idea. half of the country wants to kill me. oh, a case -- i didn't order any wine. put it on board. >> greg: one of the great things about this guy, even though he was excuse me, was the name of his organization. whenever you heard of the wagner group, it sounded like the people who do the accounting at the oscar's or -- they're just like a group of really like -- >> kat: i definitely pictured them wearing flees pullovers. >> greg: exactly. brought to you by the wagner group. the wagner group, 180 years in investment banking. also we kill people. it's great. i think when i start a company it's going to be something with the group, something the group. >> that's hot. >> jimmy: you know what i do? one thing, obviously i'm not a putin fan either but remember how much crap we gave him for taking a shirtless photo and he was jacked with pecs and now we have this guy with c cups just wandering around the beach joe biden. we have no self awareness. we mocked putin at least he was ripped. >> greg: yeah we're in trouble. we have to move on. our guests have a ball sharing stories that enthrall. [cheers and applause] let innovation refunds help with your erc tax refund so you can improve your business however you see fit. rosie used part of her refund to build an outdoor patio. clink! dr. marshall used part of his refund to give his practice a facelift. emily used part of her refund to buy... i run a wax museum. let innovation refunds help you get started on your erc tax refund. stop waiting. go to innovationrefunds.com you really got the brows. businesses need 5g solutions today. that's why they choose t-mobile for business. mlb partners with t-mobile to not only enhance the fan experience, but to advance how the game is played. aaa relies on t-mobile's network to stay connected nationwide, so they can help get their members back on the road. and we're helping pano ai innovate, to stop the spread of wildfires. now's the time to see what america's largest 5g network can do for your business. ♪ >> coast to coast with stories that matter most. you're watching local news with winner of cadaver magazine's sexiest corps award eight years in a row, chet van jansen. and now, here's chet [cheers and applause]. >> greg: thank you. yes, it's local news where each guest has to share a story from wherever they're from and then i vote on a winner, and then that -- ♪ >> we interrupt gutfeld for this breaking news. chet van jansen has been stripped of all his sexiest corpse awards after new video was released showing van jansen dancing nude on a new york subway platform. when asked why he did it, chet said why should only those aboveground get to see this beautiful temple. in van jansen's defense he was wearing a helmet. we will keep you updated on this story as we learn more. now back to gutfeld. >> greg: another tough break for chet. our thoughts and prayers. all right, paul, where are you from? >> paul: new york city. >> greg: yeah, okay. what's your local news? >> paul: so new york city is raising the price of the subway and their buses to $2.90, that's a $6 round trip commute every day. however, you pay ten bucks, they'll give you the nine millimeter. [laughter] >> greg: jimmy, jersey? >> jimmy:. >> jimmy: long island, long island baby. >> greg: i always forget where you're from, probably on purposes. >> jimmy: same thing. >> greg: i want to wash my brain from every knowing you. >> jimmy: stop it. >> greg: everything about you makes me sick. >> jimmy: awe. >> greg: do you have a story? >> jimmy: yes. and i would take you to jersey, to six flags, but you couldn't get on the rides, so there's that. [laughter] >> jimmy: every time i try to make nice with you, you're a tyrant. i love you but you're a tyrant. local news, high school on strong island is repurposing its native american mascot because they want to make it lessons i have. now i didn't go to one of these high schools, i was a division blue dragon we played a native american team called the elizabeth warrens. but can i make a point about the whole native american logo thing. no school or sports team chooses a native american logo because they're mocking it. they think it's proud and fierce, something to stand by. they're not running on the field like look at us, a bunch of jackasses. so that's why i think this is stupid. but the only real reason i chose this story, they had an nba player in junior high we beat him in high school at a buzzer beater and my buddy choctaws the hottest chick i ever knew and that was a big night for me as a fat kid in high school. so that vie careius experience was a big win for division. >> greg: wow, that wasn't the kind of local story i was hoping for. >> jimmy: i gave you like five. >> greg: all right, ashley, try not to learn from that example. where are you from? >> ashley: i'm from south florida, land of florida man, c class mercedes and publics. >> greg: what is your story i my story is publix, our beloved grocery store made hurricane cakes to bring joy to people who thought they might die in hurricanes like weather it out, leave florida alone, and apparently some cry babies found this and publix had to apologize and remove them due to sensitivity concerns. >> greg: really? >> ashley: yes, but at least florida can do hurricanes right. >> greg: yes. a nice little hurricane cake, huh? yeah. so, kat. detroit or midwest? >> kat: yeah, wisconsin. >> greg: wisconsin >> kat: a woman in wisconsin, named sarah, is very old. >> greg: how old, kat? >> kat: she's 106. >> greg: wow >> kat: 106, she turned 106 on tuesday, and what do you do when you're 106z for your birthday? obviously play the slots. so she sat there, she played the slots, she won a thousand dollars. and i just really feel for her, because it can't be easy to be 106, you know. >> greg: you know what i've been told, the older you get the easier it gets to live >> kat: really?. >> greg: yes. i made this up. >> kat: i feel like -- >> greg: but think about it, okay, think about it. so you have all these years behind you. let's say you're me in your early 40s [laughter]. >> greg: you have all of this, you have all of this before you, and then you have another year, another year, another year, another year. but if you're a hundred and something, right? you're way over here, everything's a little faster now right because you have all this stuff behind you. a year is like a week when you're old. you get up, you go to bed, you get up, you go to bed. sometimes you get up twice. that's why i think, you know, there's a scientific rule that if you -- your chances of living to 80 increase after you're 70 >> kat: well, i think that -- that is how numbers work. [laughter] >> greg: but it's actually true. it's like the longer you live, the longer you will live. >> jimmy: he's right, most of the people i know who died at 62 never lived to see 80. i can't argue >> kat: exactly. >> jimmy: i can't argue. this guy's good. >> paul: king of late night more like king of science. >> greg: journal of american medical association, eat that. you know, i don't need a womb. up next, why you don't need a mate to go on your next date. [cheers and applause] we, the first generation of moms to lose our kids to social media are sick of waiting. for 25 years, there's been no new laws protecting kids online while our children are dying. we can pass the kids online safety act. join us. join us. join us. join us. (♪) let's lead the way. 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[laughter]. >> paul: boom. i don't want to talk about it. >> greg: yeah. >> paul: go to kat. go to kat. come on. >> greg: all right, kat. this story's ultimately unprovable. working in the media and doing stories like this for -- especially for women's mags, you would just call up your friends and ask them and say hey, you ever eat alone, and they go yeah, sometimes. all right, can i say you're a graphic designer who's 33? and that's what you used to do kat >> kat: got ya. this isn't real just eating dinner by yourself is a thing a lot of people do without really thinking about it, but the whole tone of the article is this is how you love yourself. i don't think that what we need more of is to be more obsessed with ourselves, like, as a culture. we already are. we already are. everybody thinks they're special. >> greg: yeah . >> jimmy: think of how depressing this is if you commit to this though and then you get dumped. i can't. i can't. >> paul: stand yourself up. >> greg: it would be really weird. is it possible to ghost yourself? >> jimmy: think about that. and like, i'm not kidding, like i pay attention to dating trends, like my wife and i matched on tinder. the weird part is it happened ten years after we got married, which is awkward. oh, wow, you're on here? this is awkward. this is awkward. but i don't know if i would have master dated. you're just alone. that's all it is. >> greg: yeah. well i think we're done with this topic. >> paul: what a shame. >> greg: i don't know. we can keep talking about it but frankly i'm beginning to regret the whole thing >> jimmy: all i would say is there is a life lessen. anyone's who's committed to a master dater, do not buy a used laptop off that person because they're putting up mileage that would make hunter biden blush. let's be honest. thank you. >> greg: all right, enough of that you weirdo. don't go away, we'll be right back. 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