the competitors are dropping faster than the runners at a 90 and over marathon. this show is number one, thanks to our audience. that is enough for you, great panel, host with so much sex appeal, it should be outlawed. are guests like tonight's bret baier. the bret baier who makes eminem look like vanilla ice. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ that went on for five hours, but that suit is the opposite of a rappers delight. it's definitely better than when stuart varney collaborated with with -- but it's bret baier, did you know he has his own doll? >> sometimes i need the hard news of the day but other times i just want to cuddle, why can't i have both? >> now you can with the new bret baier, fair, balanced, and unafraid to snuggle. squeeze his tummy and get informed. >> the 41st president wants to go to maine this summer. >> french president emmanuel macron and his wife arrived yesterday and attended a dinner at mount vernon. >> he's there at the end of your day too. >> i just want something to hold that brings me comfort but i also just want the news. >> voters are still casting ballots in arizona's special election. >> get your brett bear today. >> greg: he hosts the show special report which is much better than the original title which is barely legal come about as far as this show can get. if special report is a bottle of champagne, then we are a six-pack of zima, yet we still have him on but will he have us on his show? i think we have a better shot at getting invited on reliable sources with captain fat pants. we made it no secret cat wants to be on special report, she burned this message into the front lawn. as of yet, no invites. special report has been as quiet as the president when his doctor asks him where he is. he has more baggage than the lost and found at laguardia but contrary to what you heard, she does bathe. she brushes her teeth sometimes with a brush, sometimes with a piece of leftover pizza crust but give her a few blasts of for breeze and she's good to go. we get it, his show is really serious and you need to prove yourself, the same way you do if you want to be my masseuse. the obstacle course is insane. maybe it's time kat shows she has what it takes to be on special reports. ♪ ♪ >> here is why i would make a great guest for special report. much like you, i'm an inspiration and a mentor too many of the network's upcoming stars. i know how to make eye contact, communicate, and even laugh at jokes that fall flat, i have a lot of experience from got failed. >> greg: that's going too far. >> don't just take my word for it, here are respectable people who agree with you. >> i can't think of anyone who would be a better addition to your panel. >> emailing me at all hours of the day, i have not slept through the night. you know all the fans want to see me on special report, right guys? so in conclusion, if i'm on special report, it won't be a problem. i'll stay out of everyone's way, i won't eat a lot of food, i will provide my own close and even chip in for gas. give america the 6:00 p.m. eastern it deserves. >> special report, not even funny, the last time i watched it i didn't even laugh once. i didn't get what is so hard about brett's job anyway. it's not like he has his boss on set with him all the time -- why is that light still on? cut, cut, cut. >> greg: that didn't end so well. >> keep going. >> greg: to the monologue, good news on the coded front. in austria, a brothel promises 30 minutes of a vip treatment with a sex worker of your choice in exchange for the customer getting the vaccine, not including all of the shots you will need after. over here, all we get is a juice box into graham crackers, no happy ending there. the point is this, this is what you see when you are on a war footing and everyone wants to reward the troops and we are the troops. instead of shooting, we get the shots. even "the new york times" is asking if it's time to start moving back to normalcy, as they say covid now presents the sort of risk to most vaccinated people that we unthinkingly accept in other parts of life like driving or swimming or eating at arby's. there isn't going to be a day when we wake up to headlines proclaiming that covid is defeated. that's the thing about tomorrow, it needs an ending or it won't end. here's a question, what are the pandemic from afghanistan and the drug crisis have in common? they are all seen through the war filter. we had a war in afghanistan, of course the war is being waged against the virus. unless you have a declaration of surrender from the other side, we never declare victory. it can keep going on forever even though to everyone it feels like it's over, just like the daily show. we are really bad at stopping wars because we are too scared to say when we are done, the drug war is a disaster and get it goes on forever. the afghanistan war was our longest and we ended up worse off when we started, thanks, joe. we now have bureaucrats who keep moving our covid goalposts based on refusal to accept any risk no matter how low it is. which await our freedoms in an authoritarian state when citizens are deputized to narc on each other which enables the war to continue and allows the people in power to keep flexing like they are chris cuomo on chest day. the war machine is now the farm a machine, follow the money in uc declaring victory hurts a lot of bottom lines, which is why i'm going to austria for a few weeks. everything for the war effort. let's welcome tonight's guest, this bearer never hibernates when it comes to breaking the news, host of special report and chief political correspondent bret baier! i hope doing this show will ruin his chances for reelection, ohio congressman and author of the new book "do what you said you would do" jim jordan. mention one more southern stereotype, she will drown you in a bucket of gravy and sweet tea, fox business anchor dagen mcdowell, and as she watched old yeller and rooted for rabies. fox news contributor kat timpf. its get the awkward part, did anything convince you? >> i messaging my booking producer. >> since i'm so good-looking and funny, people forget how smart i am too. >> that's why we have bill mcgurn on. i want to say one thing, i came on last time and i went down to florida. all these people came up to me and said you were on got failed, i love you on got failed. and i said you know i have this show, called special report, your breaking through. >> greg: you need to add an exclamation point. you don't care about covid, you've moved on. >> i've moved on? it's serious but if you like people are getting to the point where they are ready to move on. >> greg: i hope so but the fact is as long as they keep chasing risk, we are never going to change. >> remember, we started with flatten the curve, prevent the hospitals from overrunning. its serious, full of lost lives and families are affected but over time, we are going to get to a place where we are going to deal with us long term. >> congressman, everything okay? you not having second thoughts? >> i had second thoughts before i walked out here. >> greg: the one thing about when you put something on a war effort, then you're either part of a war effort or you're not. that's when i feel like it's happening now if you're not gung ho about a vaccine mandate, they treat you like you're an antiwar radical. >> when you're just a normal person like the folks i get the representative in ohio. we are way past it as well, a guy who runs a trucking company called me last week and said half of my drivers are not vaccinated. think of that what is going to mean, not just for the liberty question but what it's going to mean in practical consequences. you think ships are backed up the mall, wait into you lose half your drivers. i love the line someone said the hardest part of covid is always the first 18 months -- this is where we are at, it's scary and what they have done to our personal liberties has frightened me. more than all the crazy things we've seen from the biden administration, that's what scares me the most. >> greg: not being done by the government, it's being encouraged by the government into private citizens to become their own narcs. that's how east germany was able to survive longer than it should in the ussr, you get citizens against the citizens. >> only when you get people frightened and afraid, is when they really hand over their civil liberties and cherished freedoms, this is why no offense these grifters get into business in the first place was for power and control, you give up those freedoms, more power in the hands of washington. what they are trying to do now is pit the vaccinated against the unvaccinated to pull starch that fear machine to keep people in a frenzy. we are all sick of hanging out with each other, kat has got a restraining order because i was holed up in her house. she's sick of me and i don't think most americans like being told what to do, i don't. don't wear those white vinyl boots to church, i'm doing it anyway. >> greg: there's a kind of citizen that likes telling people what to do. we have neighbors like that. i lived inside her walls during covid. >> that was the smell. >> greg: exactly. that was a call back to the movie -- >> those people are getting sidelined because those people are sick, i'm sick of having an acne face like i emanate cherry pie eating contest, a ring around my mouth, it's not what you think. don't tell me what to do, don't tell me pig pen with no shoes on who likes to eat feet for fun. >> pigpen, that's quite a nickname. >> greg: have you dated a pigpen? >> a few. >> greg: what about this war analogy, comparing it to the drug war because that never ends. >> another thing that isn't common with that is the facts don't really matter. "the new york times" article, the threshold set by the cdc what qualifies as low transmission -- there's only a few cities were that exists and for example, new york city, san francisco, dallas, what to the rules in new york city have in common with the rules in dallas? nothing, you should read that and say we can be done with all of these mandates, vaccine mandates, mask mandates but they won't do that and they should. the people who say follow the science, show me some science. >> i will say, overseas they have had another wave, it's scary when people see that and there are families that are affected. the vaccines work with the mandates of the real question. >> unvaccinated but i'm anti-mandate. >> the foia request says no one who got covid and recovered has passed it on to anyone else. they don't count the natural immunity and that troubles are so many of us. >> can i tongue kiss people now? i've had covid come i'm not it to you. >> greg: now they are pushing, when does that become mandatory? i use the phrase slippery slope but i banned it. up next, if you are confronted by a thief, don't give them with directv stream, i can get live tv and on demand... together. watch: serena williams... wonder woman. serena... wonder woman... serena... wonder woman... ♪ ♪ ace. advantage! you cannot be serious! ♪ ♪ get your tv together with the best of live and on demand. introducing directv stream. when we started our business we were paying an arm and a leg for postage. i remember setting up shipstation. one or two clicks and everything was up and running. i was printing out labels and saving money. shipstation saves us so much time. it makes it really easy and seamless. pick an order, print everything you need, slap the label onto the box, and it's ready to go. our costs for shipping were cut in half. just like that. shipstation. the #1 choice of online sellers. go to shipstation.com/tv and get 2 months free. >> greg: cooperate and comply if you don't want to die. if liberal cities ask you to be polite and give your cash to thugs without a fight. cops are warning of follow home robberies in liberal l.a., you can almost see the fear on their botox faces. for a real housewives of beverly hills star was just robbed of a million bucks with the valuables. crooks lay in wait, follow you home, then steal the family jewels. the l.a.p.d. tweeted out a safety warning telling people do not resist robbery suspects and cooperate and comply with their demands which sounds like advice you would normally hear from a democrat. such a warning is expected in l.a. where crime goes with daily life like kardashians go with butt implants. downtown seattle has gotten so dangerous government employees need escorts to get around. a new program called the walking bus provides king county employees with security guards to and from transportation. the seattle city council proposes slashing the city budget, back where we are at incoming democratic mayor eric adams recently sat down with a blm leader. to his credit, he's reinstating a plan to put more undercover cops on the streets. that made them angrier than jeffrey toobin running out of kleenex. >> if they think they are going to go back to the old ways of policing, that we are going to take to the streets again. there will be riots, there will be fires, there will be bloodshed. >> greg: that sounds like the status quo right now and that is the problem. when things are this bad on the street, vowing that things will be bad on the streets no longer rates, it doesn't matter. you are threatening us with what we already have, that's like the view threatening you with stupidity. are you hopeful at all that democrats are finally beginning to see they are incentivizing criminals. >> i'm not. i'm hopeful they would see the light of day but they are not going to, we saw this in the virginia election and we sell this in elections around the country. when you defund the police you shouldn't be surprised when you get more crime except democrats don't care. you saw with the bill they passed. the folks that i represent in west central ohio, they aren't going to get into that. they believe in the second amendment where i'm from. >> i don't think that is going to apply either. >> the reason why rittenhouse became a thing, there was a void the government didn't fill. forced to reduce the presence of police, what happened, an explosion of new crime. citizens have to deal with it their way. >> probably going to see pain for protection because of small businesses don't have any way of preventing shoplifting. when did safety become a dirty word? when did safety become -- >> in my bedroom. i don't even know what that means, i don't know what that means, it's a friday, bret! >> i thought it was "shoelace." >> welcome to the show. >> i've never been on one quite like it. >> trust me, you'll get through it. >> i'm already looking at my watch. >> greg: it's like a medical procedure. >> in terms of new york city, it is truly cooperate and comply, you have to lay down, rollover and be quiet, you're not allowed to defend yourself. the second amendment doesn't apply. maybe the supreme court rules on this case and gets rid of the 100-year-old concealed carry laws here, very similar in all of these left-wing blue states. that being said if you try to defend yourself, somebody is going to videotape it, you're going to wind up losing your job, you're going to wind up charged with a crime you didn't commit. i have chosen to wear my leftover frankenstein boots around, i'm going to walk around and try to scare the [bleep] out of people. >> greg: there you go. that is a strategy. >> hence the exclamation point. >> greg: if eric adams stands up to hank newsom, will the media then call him the new face of white supremacy? >> that is an interesting question, mayor elect adams is a democrat who is leading on a number of different things including fighting crime and that is popular. that's what he won overwhelmingly. i think you are going to see that in different places around the country. crime is one of the most powerful political movers of voters, if you don't safe at home, you're going to vote out the people in office not dealing with it. i think that is really a great question and i think it's going to have to be addressed. >> greg: kat, how do you feel about the advice from the police for people like you who go shopping and to spend so much money on girly things? >> that is what i do. i think you missed one of the most absurd parts of it which said avoid displaying high-value items like jewelry, watches, purses out in public places. basically what they are saying is only where your nice stuff in your home alone where nobody can see it. i don't think that's why people buy those things. >> what's going to happen to the rap industry? >> exactly. >> that's not what i thought you would ask him, what's with that suit? >> it was a christmas suit, in the moment. that was, by the way, the real band. speak of the sugar hill gang, that's amazing. >> greg: we >> greg: yeah. it used to be their favorite term, but now the word woke makes democrats squirm. "the wall street journal"'s peggy noonan described why the left should face down the woke, she argued it's good for america to have two strong parties duking it out. it's the same reason why i have kat and tyra's arm wrestled as he who sits in the big chair. the woke machine what defines their ideology is even debate is considered evil because the other side, you, are evil. either you will bay or you get destroyed but it has cost them in the latest election. their obsession with race and gender have them flailing like terry mcauliffe doing the bossa nova. the woke mob is occult but at least another colts there is one guy having a lot of sex. from what i heard. over at "the washington post," eugene robinson claims wokeness is essentially not real arguing the word "woke" once it meant something, now it's an empty all-purpose insult hurled by conservative propagandists, anti-vaccine lazy journalists, and so on. it's an empty all-purpose insult -- this is from people who blame everything from test scores to indigestion on white supremacy. he concludes with this, the next time someone accuses someone else of being woke, asked them to spell out what they mean, you will have to wait for an answer. >> actually you don't, the definition is baked into their headlines like a teacher getting fired for using the wrong pronouns, we shouldn't be firing teachers who successfully teach kids what a pronoun is. how about when the aclu censored the word woman from a ruth bader ginsburg quote, do you remember that? we covered dozens of examples. we would do more but we need to leave time in the show for our new british cooking segment. >> give it 2 minutes. oh, my god. [bleep]. >> greg: this reminds me when you would talk about the precise elements of the socialists and communism, it's not like that at all! you asked them to explain it, it's exactly what you said. >> it's exactly like that. you know what rallied people in virginia was education. people, no pun intended, waking up to the fact that their kids weren't being educated. i think about my parents, they wanted me to go to school. we went to church for a different reason, go to school and figure out what i was good at, i could support myself and not wind up living back in their house, it's really that simple. we don't want her moving back after high school or college or after the first failed marriage, figure out what she can do for a living and send her on her way, i think that's a basic principle of education that's not there anymore. it's indoctrination, and education. >> greg: a lot of kids can't move on with their parents because their parents have moved back home with their parents and so on. it's one of those weird things that go on forever, what is that called? >> i don't know. >> greg: there goes her special report, can't have it on! >> i'm not sure what you were talking about either. >> greg: when you take a mirror and hold it up against the mirror, you have this weird infiniti -- >> i think it's infinity? >> greg: special report! somebody just got bumped and it's you. here's the thing, there is something to be said about the word being overused. >> also to say wokeness doesn't exist or if you ask somebody to explain it, they won't be able to -- yeah you can. sing the entire world to revolve around your own sensibilities and imposing and canceling other people, there is no forgiveness, there's a million examples. truly they consider themselves compassionate but it's not going to help any child of any race to teach them things such as objectivity is racist, there are facts. >> greg: splitting kids into oppressor and oppressed -- calling someone an oppressor isn't as bad as calling somebody oppressed because they are always going to be seen as a victim. >> virginia was an eye-opener, parents through covid were over the shoulders of their kids looking at the zoom of the class and suddenly realizing what is going on inside that classroom. they got activated and they found out what's behind it. "the washington post" had this whole thing that critical race theory was not taught in school and they just recently had a sentence, the elements of critical race theory are taught in various ways. it was on the department of education website. my point is that if you look at democrats now, modern democrats, they say they want to be normal. that is a signal that progressives are having a problem as far as elect poorly convincing people that is where we all should be. >> greg: it's hard to be normal when you keep moving the goal posts, for like 40 years. normalcy is an aberration. >> woke is an attack on first amendment, and if you disagree with today's left are not allowed to, they're going to come after you and they say you can't talk at all and if you try to talk you are a racist and they try to cancel you. it's also an attack on humor. this is why your show is the most popular show because you actually make people laugh. americans get it, they can take a joke. >> something tells me you're coming back. >> it's an attack on the most fundamental element, the most important right is the right to talk to. the ability to practice your faith is not there because you can't speak. if you are afraid to say things, you can't have humor. that is what the left has gone after and that is why it's so important that we stop. >> greg: it drives me crazy because there are only a handful of comedians that are willing to talk about it, obviously dave chappelle but there are a lot of comedians with f u money who are still quiets. jerry seinfeld should have been at the top of the spear. >> he should make a show today. >> yesterday one of our staffers a young 20-year-old, he said the greatest movie he ever made was sandlot -- think about the iconic lines in that movie. you probably can't say that today, this is scary where they want to go. >> greg: i never saw sandlot. >> you haven't seen sandlot? >> of course i've seen sandlot. >> she thought it was a sandler movie. >> greg: coming up, some dems >> greg: coming up, some dems hi. i'm wolfgang puck when i started my online store wolfgang puck home i knew there would be a lot of orders to fill and i wanted them to ship out fast that's why i chose shipstation shipstation helps manage orders reduce shipping costs and print out shipping labels it's my secret ingredient shipstation the number 1 choice of online sellers and wolfgang puck go to shipstation.com/tv and get 2 months free ♪ ♪ >> greg: finding it tough to win elections, start talking about erections. here's a commercial the watch, a new ad campaign is pushing for the freedom to vote act by making jokes about erectile dysfunction. that may represent them but not us. >> is your democracy flaccid, struggle maintaining a strong coalition. tired of disappointing performances, you might be one of the 330 million americans suffering from elect tile dysfunction. >> greg: are they taking strategy advice from hunter biden? who knows. there is more to the strategy than that, they made sure the actors were famous celebrities, but boy, with a stiff. >> i think maybe this time will be different. >> filibustering just doesn't make me feel good anymore. >> it's embarrassing, okay? >> fortunately the freedom to vote act. >> greg: certainly it couldn't get worse, could it? >> now my election is rock solid to. >> those writers were all immediately hired by "snl" but it explains their voting habits with all the blood rushing away from their brains. it's like my dad voting is like sex, both can be done in a booth standing up. that made me laugh when i rode it, if i can be amused in my office, is this effective, we had this seems get two years ago but we killed it because we thought it was stupid. >> my favorite was a guide being like erectile dysfunction is no laughing matter! that was my favorite. >> greg: i have to say -- let's talk about the fact they are finding humor, that's good to. maybe the democrats are trying to be funny, isn't that a good thing because neck >> it's tougher democrats to be funny. they use the term embarrassing, i think this is embarrassing, i think it's pathetic. these are probably the people supporting defunding the police and believe government is smarter than parents and a whole host of things. i will yield the rest of my time. >> thank you so much. >> greg: the irony is whatever they are talking about does not include any transparency at all. i'm bringing it back to the topic. -- the substance is election on corruption. >> we can go with it. they are trying to make a splash, obviously we are putting it on, they are getting attention but it's not going to change the vote structure in congress to have a nationalizing of elections. it's in the constitution, the states are in charge of it. it's going to take a lot of movements, not in a elect tile dysfunction add to move votes. >> greg: our audience is so disgusted to. this sort of segment is what we do on fridays, we are tipping a little early, we want to get out and get drunk so we found this video, was it a good idea? >> i'm just staring at mark ruffalo and thinking about when did he become so unbangable. >> that said, everybody. >> know my mind will wander to the idea of the voting booth and have a curtain might open and expose -- you know the curtain on the voting booth, never mind. >> greg: you're not going to lead with this story on special report. >> will this make the broadcast? >> greg: if you think this is bad, wait until you see the next segment, it will make you sick to your stomach if i'm right. watch: serena williams... wonder woman.... serena... wonder woman... serena... ace. ♪ ♪ get your tv together with the best of live and on demand. introducing directv stream. moving is a handful. no kidding! fortunately, xfinity makes moving easy. easy? -easy? switch your xfinity services to your new address online in about a minute. that was easy. i know, right? and even save with special offers just for movers. really? yep! so while you handle that, you can keep your internet and all those shows you love, and save money while you're at it with special offers just for movers at xfinity.com/moving. this is elodia. she's a recording artist. 1 of 10 million people that comcast has connected to affordable internet in the last 10 years. and this is emmanuel, a future recording artist, and one of the millions of students we're connecting throughout the next 10. through projectup, comcast is committing $1 billion so millions more students, past... and present, can continue to get the tools they need to build a future of unlimited possibilities. >> greg: time for the left overs, the jokes wouldn't use this week but now they get a second chance. as always, this is the first time reading these, i have no idea what's coming. this week president biden is here to mock americans intelligence questioning whether they understand supply chain issues. there is nothing like being called stupid by a guy who needs help ordering a hot fudge sundae. a new survey says the average person had the most hookups in their life at the age of 27. half the people surveyed said they value looks and personality equally and the other half told the truth. the congressman says he saw that coming. more than half of americans said they would hook up with a person who looked like their favorite celebrity which explains the recent uptick of jim jordan impersonators. [laughter] a pizza shop in seattle is requiring proof of vaccination for takeout orders, it will also require a brain scan if you order hawaiian pizza. very good -- pineapple. wall street investment firm known for their fearless girl statue plans to hire a lot more women and minorities. their angry girl statue is paid considerably less than the angry male statues. i like that. a new study says single men just don't care about sex anymore which begs the question we have all been wondering, was trump making us -- i don't know what that meant to. >> i'm surprised that didn't make it that in. >> greg: the worst joke, we are keeping that in the show. guys always say they don't want to sex, then before you know what they are inviting you over to check out their new bedroom swing. nancy pelosi agreed with the comment that the u.s. military is a larger polluter than 140 countries combined which is troubling considering the ocean contains less plastic than her face. she has plastic feelings. columbia university employees can now be dismissed for using the wrong pronouns. also songs people sing in church can no longer be referred to as hymns. brian williams announced plans to depart nbc news after 28 years. when asked what his fondest memory was, he was torn between landing a plane on the hudson or asking germany to tear down that wall. the congressman like that one. a las vegas charter jet company is offering couples a chance to join the mile high club for a mere $955 which makes it still cheaper than deltas checked baggage fees. seats are available in coach, business, and first ask. bad news, the faa requires one year having sex midflight, one of you has to wear a mask. the aircraft offers a bed and cushions making it the second grossest fabric after spirit air. more than half of americans think their life is worthy of a book deal, most of those surveyed said they believe any clown can jot down incoherent thoughts and the rest of them mentioned to me by name. florida governor ricketts desantis is threatening to send illegal aliens to jill biden's home state of delaware to which the president angrily replied "what's delaware?" finally, joe biden reportedly broke wind while committing with milla parker bowles at a recent claimant congress. critics claim it violated the clean air act of 1970. camillo was reportedly so started by biden's flatulence, she reared up, spit out the mouthful of hay she was chewing on and galloped away. that felt bad just reading it but then it felt good when i heard the applause. now i feel bad again. >> it's a balancing act. >> greg: it really is, so many moods. does this happen to you on special report? you don't do a weekend of things you cut out a special report, do you? >> no. >> greg: that's a lot of mollie hemingway going like this. >> he had his hand over his face the entire time, you saw your life flash before your eyes. >> greg: it's almost over. >> i told you, you made it >> greg: quick final thoughts, brett. >> and all-star star panel.com. >> a good christmas gift and all of those folks will show up and be a blast appearance before wow, fantastic. you have a new book congressman. >> i'm down to 11 days, do what you said you would do and take your viewers behind the scene. i wrote every word and you can order it now appears before i will deftly check that out. all right, everybody set your dvrs so you never miss o o o o thanks. good night. >> jesse: hello. i'm jesse waters, dagen mcdowell, greg gutfeld, martha maccallum. it's 5:00 in new york city and this is "the five." major developments in the kyle rittenhouse murder trial. the prosecution hopes to safe their crumbling case. asking the judge to allow for lesser charges. the judge is considering the request before closing arguments monday.

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