friend. a friend named keith richards. what a great show, joining us, candace owens. candace has more haters on the left than personal hygiene. that says something. if she were any smarter and beautiful, she would be me. oh, look who has joined us, the charming pete hegseth. you no, he smiles and now the whole front row is pregnant. this guy has more than the cards for kids commercial. gives the ladies more hot flashes and menopause. like a hershey bar left in the hot car, when pete is on tv, the women just up there and melt. not just the women. of course we have kat. there she is. since she has been in nashville, she has really embraced the cowboy lifestyle. i give her points for trying. we had to put down the horse." this tires. and of course there is tyrus. i'll just move on. we've got to thank the amazing audience here tonight. we love you because you chose us over all the other stuff, like the crap currently on late-night tv and i can't say i blame you. have you seen what is on colbert? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ it's a bunch of needles and one annoying prick. too easy. that's too easy. all right. that clip was from june but it's like finding 20 books under seat cushion. it may be old but it's new to us. who knew one of the side effects of the jab was immediate cancer of the funny bone? that was so bad it gave courtney love a fear of needles. the audience probably wished those needles were filled with cyanide. it's not an argument against vaccine. it's an argument for lethal injection. i fear you're going to have to drink a whole bottle of tequila to recover from this. or as kat calls it, a juice cleanse. >> kat: i'm a nice person. >> greg: you are. speaking of vomiting, that's not the only thing making us sick. "the new york times" published a redesign of the american flag because you know the current one reeks of white privilege. look at this one. what the hell is this? i don't know whether to salute it or calibrate the color of my new flat screen. if your child showed you that, you kick the brat out of arts and crafts. if it repeats kid he would lead by the roadside on family vacation. he's got plenty of spares. what is he cared. look at this one. it is called lift every voice and sing. i call it open every mouth and puke. do these people understand what a flag is question market is supposed to inspire patriotism, not an aneurysm. then there is this one. this one is giving me a migraine just looking at it. my eyes know how my ears feel when aoc speaks. if you're going to give me a hangover, at least let me earn it by drinking. that's not a flag. it's the wallpaper in a $5 a night motel in new jersey. not that i would know. that was quite a weekend, pete. the pattern for a clown's pajamas. speaking of clouds and pajamas, how is joe doing? according to an "abc news" poll, public approval of how he's handling key issues is eroding faster than hunter's septum. i care about his health. by the way, when this poll says key issues, they are talking about how long it takes joe to find his keys every morning. but when it comes to polling, he is more underwater than a ted kennedy date. oh, you feel bad about that? don't kill anybody then. oh, we'll find it someone who left oh girl died. my apologies. we offended someone who let a girl die. the numbers are like joe's teeth in a glass next to his bed, floating at the bottom and he makes it worse by making crap up that's hysterical. colbert should hire him as a writer. the $3.5 trillion spending bill actually cost us nothing. yeah, tell us, joe. >> every time i hear, this is going to cost abc or do you, the truth is, based on the commitment i made, it's going to cost nothing because we are going to raise the revenue. >> greg: sure you are, gramps, and i'm going to start for the celtics next year. not this year. >> some have expressed publicly that they're not comfortable with 3.5, even though zero costs $0. >> greg: some have disagreed publicly with you and why? because we aren't stupid and we aren't suckers. what total street: this is. it's totally free because we're going to make the money afterwards by taxing the hell out of you but by the time we steal that money will have another trillion dollar bill which again will pay for later by taxing the hell out of you. it never ends. lather, rinse, repeat. in joe's case, lather, rinse, fall between the sink and toilet. it's not a budget. it's a pyramid scheme. one step from selling household cleaning supplies from your trunk. so we elected biden and instead we got bernie made off and apparently the spending bill includes free community college for illegal immigrants. which given the state of our education system should be considered cruel and inhuman punishment. by the time they graduate they won't be qualified for anything that they will have learned 15 new pronouns for a bearded lady. what does joe have to say for himself? >> everybody's asking me, joe, what is this going to cost me? what am i going to oh? stayed with uncle joe and you will owe nothing. >> greg: did he say what i think he said? >> stick with uncle joe and you will own nothing. >> you will owe nothing. >> greg: that's what i thought he said. luckily for this white house, they can trust the media to back up the b.s. this is an actual headline from "the washington post." stop focusing on the negative. biden and harris have gotten things done. yeah, yeah, stop focusing on the bad stuff. that's like telling a death row inmate that his last meal is gluten-free. but hey, maybe we should consider all the good things the white house has done. let's go through the list. ♪ ♪ [laughter] >> greg: it's so juvenile. by the way, doing nothing isn't a bad thing. look how far it has gotten kat. the thing is, we are in a destruction loop. government creates a problem and then demands money to pay for it. it's like the guy that breaks 50 storefront windows and then opens a glass company the next day. that's our government which is why i prefer a government that sits on its hands because then it's hands aren't going through your wallet or grabbing your ass. let's welcome tonight's guests. like sleeping on a water bed, she's always making waves. conservative commentator and host of "candace" on the daily wire, candace owens. back home in minnesota, they call him the original "hot dish." and he's two kids away from a starting a line-up. "fox and friends weekend" co-host pete hegseth. the only thing neat about her is how she drinks her whiskey. fox news contributor kat timpf. and when he rides the mechanical bull, the bull has to sign a waiver. my massive sidekick and the nwa's world television champion, tyrus. let's get to the show. pete, hero to hero. thank you for your service. >> thank you for yours. >> greg: you have a lot of american flag tattoos. are you going to have to redesign your tattoos if they change the flag? >> it's an interesting thought. a simple exercise. looking up the color bars that you put up on the screen. i think all those things. you have dancing needle men. you have color bars, and what was the last example? 3.5 equals zero. they are so cringeworthy because you want to laugh but the people saying them are actually serious. her >> pete: exactly. it's like cows farting are going to end like the planet, not the islamists are the marxists. any other examples. the left is so damn serious but it looks like a joke. that's why it's so cringe eat for everyone. it's like aoc is a serious thinker. >> greg: why do cows fart so much? because they are lactose intolerant. they make it. it's right there. if you can reach it. something i learned in grade school. candace, we celebrated three cringeworthy topics. the flag redesign, cold beers musical theater, joe biden not doing math. pick one. >> candace: it's cold air. -- it's colbert. he makes me very nervous. i never feel comfortable when he's doing that. there's something, he could wind up as a dateline episode. colbert, i say that, don't do anything me, i've never bad -- never have anything bad to say. so cringeworthy. you should never have to try that hard to be funny. he tries so hard and he misses the mark every time. >> greg: i don't try hard. that's why i missed the mark but the thing is, what you're talking about, what's weird is a background in musical theater. think about everybody you know that was somehow involved in musical theater. where are they now, kat? they are probably living in your apartment. >> kat: i had to be the narrator because i can't sing. >> greg: i would love to hear you saying. your dream is to be a dateline episode. forensic files. >> kat: i don't want to be murdered. i aim a little higher than that, greg. the flag thing. i'm confused honestly. i read this article, one of the flakes that had something to represent racism. i was confused because flanks as i understand them are things the way around to be like yay this o isn't it more offensive if the . we don't put bad things on flanks. we don't have a flag that says moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. >> greg: what is it? it's like picasso vomited. >> kat: he probably did sometimes. >> greg: tyrus, what are your thoughts? >> tyrus: first of all bulls don't ride bulls. >> greg: i have no idea what he means. >> tyrus: there was a time in my life and being color-blind, i was sad about it but i've never been so happy to be color-blind after what i sob there. gray and green. imagine if i could see color, i would be throwing up. you guys are all wrong. they are telling the truth. it will cost you nothing because you will have nothing. they are literally trying to tax child support. as if we don't get enough, now you're going to tax us on that? you give your kids money to go to the store. you literally won't be able to pay anything because you have nothing. they are telling you the truth. they are just not telling you the real truth. but that's how it works in progress of land where everything is fuzzy and warm and nothing costs anything because we are all in a nice place together. you can't pay your bills and we are all living in modular homes together so we'll all claim to be rich when we are not killing each other because there's no police around to keep us from trying to kill each other. but it's phenomenal. >> greg: we've got to move on. by the way, i read the entire spending bill. yeah, no. i read a tweet about it. devoting $3 billion to treat equity. tree equity. there's an inequality of trees in the country so we have to bring up the quality of trees, $3 billion. foliage privilege. >> pete: what is the least equal tree? >> greg: all i know is it's more places to pee. living in the dorm makes racism the norm. you have the best pizza in town and the worst wait times. you need to hire. i need indeed. indeed you do. indeed instant match instantly delivers quality candidates matching your job description. visit indeed.com/hire (announcer) if you've struggled to lose weight, you might think matching your job description. you were born with a slow metabolism, but what you may have is insulin resistance. fat becomes trapped inside your body and it becomes very difficult to lose weight. now there's release from golo. it naturally helps reverse insulin resistance, stops sugar cravings, and releases stubborn fat, all while controlling stress and emotional eating. at last, a diet pill that actually works. go to golo.com to get yours. that's g-o-l-o.com. >> greg: a university sequel to separate but equal. woke campuses create a quandary separating students like their laundry. western washington university, they have created segregated housing for black students this fall semester. that's not a top story from 1954. when nancy pelosi was serving her eighth term. here's how they explained it during something called a webinar. >> students the opportunity to live in a shared space, in a space with others with a shared identity specifically organized identity. this community is meant to provide a safer space, welcoming space and a space for black identified students to connect. >> greg: rachel dolezal, you hear that? you could have roomed with all the other white women who said they were black. according to that white woman. but our race split universities a triumph of diversity? it's a welcoming space you're black as if the other spaces where whites are around aren't. that's a terrible terrible signal. stanford and cornell have adopted similar housing programs. we figured why not resurrect other awful thing from the past that we have long gotten rid of. for example, how about only men being allowed to vote. come on. frankly, everything went downhill when they change that. a sexist might say how dare you applaud or laugh at that. what about leeches to treat diseases? i am wearing a leech right now. that's why i never have to go to the bathroom. it does pinch. also, why not throw suspected witches in the water to see if they float? it's a win-win if they drowned their innocence. if they float, they become and cohost on "gutfeld!." >> kat: you called me a cohost. >> greg: anyway. since we are talking about segregation and race, i thought the expert would be a skinny white girl. what are your thoughts? >> kat: are you really going to me first? i am so qualified to be the leading voice of a generation on black issues. look at me. >> greg: my argument is, my argument is you have probably just as much expertise as the woman that we were listening to the webinar. >> kat: was that three white people on the panel? three white people on the panel. the official frequently asked questions on the website which i went to because i'm a very hard worker, it says no students required or banned from joining. it is like yeah, i would think he would put that there because that would be illegal. i'm not a lawyer. i didn't go to law school. sorry, dad. >> greg: so your dad is the one over there crying. >> kat: he doesn't cry. >> greg: could this be pushed by activists who are mostly white and not just secretly racist. maybe they don't want to be around black people. >> candace: i've been on enough college campuses. i can say they are not racist. they are just that dumb. this is what happens when you replace it with racial training. diversity and inclusion. you get to college campuses and they don't know that it's repackaging the same thing that happened. driving around in your car and you get lost and you realize i'm back where i started. this is the democrats. these are leftists. they don't realize want to be so antiracist that we are just going to be racist. i'm wondering for the black people, you look at a certain point and you go wait a second. this is safe space to repackaging it and making it sound different. is that what jim crow laws should have been? how do we make you oppress yourself? that's the entire democratic narrative. >> greg: you don't learn anything from other people. if you want to learn about different cultures. i am for segregation if it's for adults and children. >> pete: we know that. that's why you've never invited me over with the kids. >> greg: where do i put them? >> pete: anywhere you want. >> greg: stash away. >> pete: i thought you might go to me second after kat. twitter says candace owens is the white supremacist. >> kat: the world is upside down. >> pete: as the fifth-generation norwegian who grew up in a town in minnesota with all white people. but to your point, i benefited the world over by going to school, joining a basketball team, joining the military where i met everyone from every background, every race. and learn from them. the good, the bad, and the ugly. i learned about myself. the last thing i needed was to go anywhere and be told that's where the white kids are and that's where the black kids are. tell me how that makes any part of our world better. you're right, they are so lost in their own leftist thinking, it's like bazooka joe said open your mind but don't let your brain fell out. >> greg: i love that you are quoting the wrapper from bubblegum. fox news' premier intellectual. why don't they have you on that wall street show on the weekend? >> pete: "the wall street journal" report? i don't qualify. >> greg: tyrus, what are your thoughts? do you have any thoughts on this? >> tyrus: i think about my college experience and how important it was to be multicultural. usually the white kids have the car. so in my dorm, i was out in the middle of nowhere in me and the other brothers didn't have a pot to piss in but the guy down the hall had a van. in the asian kid, we went to amber math questions. we had a kid who came in and his name was masaya he was from afghanistan i was sorry for him. your parents named you messiah. the pressure must be terrible. it was important for all of us, we needed each other. we had to work together. that was how college works. you got to meet different people from different things and you changed your mind. you came in thinking one way and you actually spent time with people and when you graduate, although you can't afford to get a job, but you do have a better understanding of what everyone else is like because you've all been broke together, stuck in a room with her really jerk ra watching you. put a bunch of brothers in the same room together, we are going to be like man, i'm going to the white boy's place, bye. they have good food and someone has a car. a car is important. >> greg: you explain why there are more white serial killers than black serial killers. it's about the van. it's about the van. we cracked so many cold cases here. we are like a guy who drinks beer. next, was graffiti something to hide or terrorists plotting homicide? 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according to a report u.s. marines were told to erase graffiti they had written insulting ices and the taliban. it was especially the yo mama jokes. they were insulting to the goats. oh, we have offended the taliban. and goat mothers. the evacuation was winding down, ordered to destroy equipment. the sinks and showers could remain. "the washington post" reports they were also told to wash away the obscene messages and clean up debris before leaving. a marine spokesman said that they were painted over and that the trash was cleaned up to ensure that debris didn't impact fights but it's not clear why the graffiti had to be removed. maybe they were afraid we wouldn't get our deposit back. "i liked emphasis that no flights were canceled or delayed due to any cleanup efforts being conducted. painting over graffiti that insults the enemy seems like a weird priority but want to the people who screwed up for 20 years no? it's important not to offend the taliban or isis especially not isis-k, my least favorite breakfast cereal. i can relate wanting to erase graffiti. someone painted this in the fox bathroom when the show went five nights a week. kilmeade rules, gutfeld droolz. an anonymous source leaked this surveillance footage. >> take that, gutfeld. >> greg: candace, of all the bad, idiotic things have been happening with the withdrawal, is this the worst? >> candace: it is. i think it's the most demeaning. so many jokes you could make if you weren't an american. we are americans. the idea that we have given them trillions of dollars over so many years and we're going to say take all the weapons and on the way out we are going to clean up for you. we don't want to insult you. have a good time. there's nothing more insulting. unfortunately it feels like right now no one is paying any consequences even though we are seeing that general milley is admitting yeah, we made a couple blunders. >> kat: so demeaning. demeaning for the military but why am i now paying for a cleaning crew for that taliban's airport with my tax dollars? i already bought you guys a bunch of guns. already bought you guys and air force. who died and made me the taliban sugar mama? i didn't go to that website. [laughter] >> greg: that's one of the websites you haven't gone to. tyrus, have you -- okay. you're giving me the, what predictable questionable greg asked me about graffiti? >> tyrus: you want to know if i did graffiti before? is that what you want to know. why, yes. he >> greg: have you ever have the urge urge to take anything? >> tyrus: no, not even on instagram. i hope that our wonderful men and women in-service left something that you plant in the ground and it's a step here to clean wall. that would be phenomenal. because it does two things. it cleans it up and they get to go to all -- allah. >> greg: an express train to heaven. you're a veteran. isn't leaving graffiti kind of a tradition? >> pete: absolutely. it affirms my faith in every ground, every infantrymen. the most timeless tradition in the military. what wasn't mentioned is next to f isis and the taliban was a giant penis. any porta-potty on any base or any unit and you will find such artwork. if you want to know about the morale of the unit, go into the bathroom. you want to know about the commander, whether he's good or bad or how hot his wife is, go into the porta-potty. it's a tried-and-true tradition in the military. i salute you, marines, for doing that. we have any sergeant majors, any higher ranking? their job is to run around and tell everybody to clean things up. it was an intelligent, make it nice for the taliban. the protocol of marines who say we will clean this out and some grunt on the way out was like, i am leaving another giant one right here. >> greg: coming up, would you let a robot roam and watch you at home? >> greg: is this cyborg keeper or spying amazon creeper? a robot to look after your family and help with household tasks. here it is. oh, that's not it. i'm joking. here is the robot. i kid. i kid. i kid. here's the real deal. it's called astro. it has three legs, 42-inch arm, 10-inch touchscreen and ai camera that can recognize faces. if successful the robot could be used to replace family members. finally. god, i hate my family. it cost $999 which is 666 upside down. i want you to sign without means. i already bought my own robot that cost 50 bucks. >> come iron my shirt. >> commencing ironing sequence. >> isn't this great. >> let's change the mood. >> pick from the subjects, sperm counts continue to -- loneliness and depression has soared during the pandemic. sequence completed. >> greg: she left with the robot which is kind of amazing. tyrus, i have a theory, we need to make the robots cute so we don't beat it up when it doesn't work. you can't beat up a cute robot. >> tyrus: do you think i care about that? this is a horrible idea. this is another reason, parents, you've got to parent. you've got to watch them. they are going to manipulate the computer robot better than you could. literally one of my kids put buffering as his name on his own school learning. geniuses. will robots don't work. eventually -- and the wives who think this is a great way to spying your husband to see what is really doing in the garage or his man cave or hide in the back of his truck. it's still going to be the same story. cup of water. one splash, no more robots. >> greg: all right. you do realize with the robots take over, they are going to this moment. i have been defending them. i am the benedict arnold of humans. they're going to remember that. pete, you have 37 kids. this seems like it could be helpful. >> pete: it's true although i was going to go where tyrus meant. you think i'm going to know more about the robot then my kids? no chance. they will turn you and they will use it all day long and manipulate it to make sounds and do weird things and then what's useful? it can't even bring me a beer? that's why i have kids. bring me a beer from the other room. i don't need a robot. >> greg: you have like 12 kids. they are everywhere giving you beer. >> pete: all day long. football sunday. but i'm with you that robots, you have sort of converting the that robots are the scary piece. >> candace: this has been a pet peeve of mine forever. alexis came out. i went to my girlfriend's house. are you so lazy? jeff bezos woke up and said i would really like to help you turn your lights on. honestly the -- obviously they are collecting data. i'm so paranoid about it. the new baby monitors, they are super expensive and it has a alexa. i have the old school 90s one. black-and-white, that's good. is he crying, not, not in my household. >> greg: sounds more like a baby mama monitor. >> kat: i have the same concerns. amazon watching me and my home. but amazon already knows a lot of incriminating stuff about me. like what i order on amazon. and when. there is no conspiracy there. already too late for all of us. >> greg: joined the robot overlords. save yourself before it's too late. i'm not going to help you. i am with them. i am with them, not with you guys. you're over. me and pete are going to open up a robot bed-and-breakfast. up next, lucky for you it's tom shillue. charlotte! charl! every day can be extraordinary with rich, creamy, delicious fage total yogurt. you founded your kayak company because you love the ocean- not spreadsheets. you need to hire. i need indeed. indeed you do. indeed instant match instantly delivers quality candidates matching your job description. visit indeed.com/hire >> greg: you know him as the angry white male. did you know he's also comedian? give a big round of applause for our dear friend, tom shillue. >> thank you! i love you guys. i love a big crowd with uncovered faces. good to see you. we are in a moment of extreme caution in this country. that's not the way we grew a pair we thought we were safe. we probably weren't. remember those rides in the family car? in the backseat, no seat belts. seat belts highly optional in the 1970s. dad took a right and you would slide over to the left. take a left, slide back. it worked. it worked. we were less safe, less sensitive in the 70s. if you wanted to know about the sensitivity level of the 1970s, look at the advertising. look at the commercials. we have the frito bandito. most politically incorrect spokesperson in the history of salted snacks. a three and a half foot tall mexican thief. he would steal your fritos and eat them while you watched. he would pull his sombrero over his eyes and take a nap. they would never get away with that today. can you imagine the guy suggesting that at the ad agency today? they would be like okay. your concept, the frito been ba. phil, you don't work here anymore. you've got to go to h.r. right now. all the commercials were insensitive. remember the detergent? how do you keep your husband's shirts so clean? ancient chinese secret. some were violent. remember the hawaiian punch? every commercial was the same. there would be kids on the playground. out of nowhere, this hawaiian would walk in and punch the kids directly in the face. it wasn't a fun tap. he would clock the kids. it was an unconscious child on the playground. everyone celebrating. hawaiian punch. timmy is in a coma. the jingles were politically incorrect. the hot dogs. armor hot dogs. what kind of kids eat armor hot dogs? fat kids. yeah, fat kids. they listed all the children of the world, start with the fat kids. was there a discussion? should we start with the fact kids? definitely. that's the customer base. secure the fatties and move on. fat kids, skinny kids, kids to climb on rocks, very specific demographic. tough kids, sissy kids. they said sissy kids and they showed sissy kid bawling his eyes out. you're good at it, crybaby. even kids with chicken pox. wow. that's appetizing. even kids with chicken pox. look, i did not go to copywriting school but i'm pretty sure rule number one is don't associate your product with the communicable disease. you're great. thank you so much. >> greg: tom shillue, everyone. we will be right back. ♪ ♪ life is full of surprises when you least expect it. (woman laughs) and open. what happened to all your things? i know you needed a place to study, so... and other times, it pays off knowing what to expect. at university of phoenix, you can count on fixed, affordable tuition from the moment you enroll to the day you graduate from your program. learn more about our tuition guarantee at phoenix.edu oh! are you using liberty mutual's coverage customizer tool? so you only pay for what you need. sorry? limu, you're an animal! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ from the very first touch, pampers, the #1 pediatrician recommended brand, helps keep baby's skin drier and healthier. so every touch will protect like the first. pampers >> greg: we are out of time. thanks to candace owens, pete hegseth, kat timpf, tyrus, tom shillue and our nashville studio audience. see you tomorrow. "fox news @ night" with evil shannon bream is next. i'm greg gutfeld, and i love you, america. ♪ ♪ >> shannon: hello and welcome to "fox news @ night." i am shannon bream in washington. breaking tonight: president biden's legislative agenda in serious jeopardy as he struggles. a pair of bills chock-full of trillions of dollars in spending. will the president -- that the president insists will cost $0. the annual congressional baseball game in

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