but jean says the drinking and philandering were not the worst of it. jim, at one point, had told me that he wanted to know what it felt like to kill somebody. he told you that he had wanted to know that? yes. one of his deep, dark secrets. and you say, what? sure, great idea, honey? i didn't know what to say. josh mankiewicz: who would? jean could only guess at what was behind this sudden change. he lost his dad when he was, i believe, 10 or 11 years old. and his mom dated a series of men throughout that were abusive drunks, and he saw his mom get beat up many, many times. he wasn't able to do anything. and he always swore he would get this guy. but the man who mostly beat her has since passed away. josh mankiewicz: jean didn't know if something back in washington had triggered her husband's black moods, but she says she remained determined to pull him through. i loved that man more than life itself, at the time. i was so in love with him. i thought he was the one. even though he was in the process of treating you like dirt.