Biden Begs Migrants Not To Come To U.S. Until There Enough Cells To Imprison Everyone
WASHINGTON Emphasizing that his administration was doing everything in its power to remedy the situation, President Joe Biden gave a speech Wednesday in which he begged South and Central American migrants not to come to the United States until there were enough jail cells to imprison everyone. “To every man, woman, and child thinking of crossing the border, I urge you to wait until we have the resources in place to intercept, arrest, and incarcerate all of you,” said Biden, who added that the Department of Homeland Security would be working around the clock to erect enough tents, holding pens, and interrogation rooms to accommodate what is expected to be the highest yearly number of apprehensions at the border in the past two decades. “In just a few months’ time, I’m confident we’ll have the cement floors, thin blankets, and barbed wire we need to keep everybody locked up for weeks, if
Atlanta Police Rule Out Mass Shooting As Cause Of Death After Suspect Says He Didn’t Shoot Anyone
ATLANTA In a press conference updating the public on the ongoing investigation, the Atlanta Police Department revealed Wednesday that they had ruled out mass shooting as a cause of death after the 21-year-old suspect told officers that he didn’t shoot anyone. “Following an exhaustive interrogation in which we repeatedly asked the suspect if he shot anyone and received a definitive ‘no,’ we can discard our first assumption that this was a mass shooting-based crime,” said Captain Jay Baker, stressing that although his team was working around the clock on where to go from here, this development placed them decisively back at square one. “Of course, some will question our approach that’s why we did our due diligence and asked several times if he was absolutely sure, because it would look really bad if we didn’t follow every loose end. But he told us he was positive that he
The 36 Members Of BTS
V
One of the key members of the band, it was V who came up with the idea that they should all look really cute and be good at dancing.
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Jungkook
Frequently referred to as the “bad boy” of the group, Jungkook is currently fighting multiple charges of medical malpractice.
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List slides
Let’s be honest, these four are all filler.
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Suga
Scouted by talent agents who spotted him on the street, chased him screaming through multiple buildings, caught him, beat the shit out of him, tied him up, threw him in the back of a van, transported him to unmarked warehouse, subjected him to years of torture and brainwashing, and finally added him to the group.
OXFORD, ENGLAND Following their discovery of a simple grammatical mistake that had gone undetected by Christians until now, a consortium of biblical scholars announced Tuesday that the Latin Vulgate translation of the New Testament had completely distorted the story of Jesus crucifying the Romans. “A careful study of the Synoptic Gospels in their original Greek plainly shows how Jesus of Nazareth led an angry mob that humiliated, tortured, and ultimately crucified members of the Roman army,” said Oxford research fellow Clement Atherton, explaining that a translator’s mix-up of passive and active voice had led generations of the faithful to misunderstand the Passion, in which Jesus crowns Roman centurions with thorns, nails them to crosses, and pierces their sides with a lance. “Similarly, we found that an improper pronoun placement passed down through the centuries has resulted in most Christians failing to grasp that the Last Supper was a meal during which Jesus and His apostl
Florida Attempts To Increase Vaccinations By Leaving Loose Syringes Around Beaches
TALLAHASSEE, FL In an effort to overcome vaccine hesitancy and reduce spread of the coronavirus, Florida announced a new program Monday that aims to increase immunizations by scattering hundreds of thousands of loose hypodermic needles on beaches throughout the state. “In order to reach Floridians who have refused inoculation, we will be hiding syringes filled with the Covid vaccine across Miami Beach, Cocoa Beach, Henderson Beach State Park, Key West, and other highly trafficked spots along our shoreline,” said Gov. Ron DeSantis, who noted that state health officials had worked around the clock to implement the plan before spring break, burying the needles beneath thin layers of sand or positioning them so they poke out between the planks of a boardwalk. “We hope a lot of people will get pricked accidentally while socializing at their favorite party beach, stopping to pick up a pretty seashell,