i packed up my keys and i ran out of there, because i thought oh no, the doctors say i m a great candidate. i don t know what they re talking about. so this is ivf number eight. from ivf 4 to 8 was just awful. by the end of 2016, 2017, we had four embryos. out of those four, we lost three. and we are down to one. i would sometimes say, i feel bad, i wish you wouldn t have married me, because you didn t sign up for this. he would say, don t tell me when i signed up for. i signed up to love you. but i still struggle with it. whether or not we knew he wanted kids then or later, i feel guilty.
for the fifth ivf, i think something started to change, because i started hearing him say, i don t want to lose you. he would tell me, i did not marry you for this, but i am also not going to keep allowing you to do more ivf and more surgeries, because with every one comes a risk. i really think ivf and grief go hand in hand. there is this misconception with infertility that you should always be headed in some direction and it should end with a child. i am okay with where i am now. that this is what is for me. it just seems like now we are doing life. and it s a good place to be.
just push the fluid through. and i m like, please stop, and the nurse is holding my hand. and finally like all right. he flips around the screen he flips around this screen you re going to have to have ivf if you want to baby. thanks, and he leaves the room. and i m laying there my husband calls me and says is everything okay? first breaking the news to him. that you are not going to be able to give it to him. so it was a death of a lot of expectations, viewpoints of my own body. in vitro fertilization, more commonly known as ivf, you are taking injectable hormones. to try and grow as many eggs at one time. at the end of that, 7 to 10-day approximate window of hormone stimulation. you take the trigger shot, and then you have a egg retiree
comment to us was, how did you bear this for so long. and finally, somebody sees me and somebody can understand that i am not crazy after all. i actually my mind thought i paid my dues. i ve dealt with the pain and i ve missed classes, i ve rescheduled my wedding. so when it s time to have a family you have a family. i never put two and two together. i didn t realize the spectrum of infertility versus fertility. i remember at that time going to a learning about ivf session, and i didn t expect to hear the stories that i heard. i was hearing stories like, we were in ivf number eight, because we get pregnant, but i ve had five stillbirths. then i heard a lady say i am in my 17th year of ivf.
there is pain and there is grief like you would never understand, unless you ve endured it. i have worn this dress only one time. this was the dress i had on when the doctors told me they could not find my little boy s heartbeat. when she said, could you hold on a second? i m going to go get the doctor. i just lost it. i am so sad. and i am so broken. i have not been able to bring myself to wear it again, but i hide it in the closet somewhere. my name is ada. i stopped counting ivf after number eight. my diagnosis was stage four