but i still struggle with it. whether or not we knew he wanted kids then or later, i feel guilty. for the fifth ivf, i think something started to change, because i started hearing him say, i don't want to lose you. he would tell me, i did not marry you for this, but i am also not going to keep allowing you to do more ivf and more surgeries, because with everyone comes a risk. i really think ivf and grief go hand in hand. there is a misconception with infertility that you should always be headed in some direction, like it should end with a child. i am okay with where i am now. that this is wood is for me.
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