Of being responsible for saving daylight. Its time for daylight to learn to save itself. Thats right. [ cheers and applause ] yes, we got an extra hour of sleep, but we also got an extra hour of donald trump being president of the united states. Id like to set my calendar ahead a year. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] as of today were one day short of a year from the next president ial election. Interesting fact. At this point in 2015 a year ahead of the election you know who the republican frontrunner was . For real. Dr. Ben carson. [ laughter ] and then he woke up and it was all just a dream and then he went back to sleep. But at the white house today the president played host to the world series champion washington nationals. It was a little bit confusing. He was under the impression he was hosting white nationalists, not the nationals. [ laughter ] oh, its a baseball team. Thats nice. As players have been known to odo the nationals brought the president a jerzy. But not the usu
In an unusually unified move, agencies have issued a warning about Malicious Foreign actors. For that, i think they mean the hemsworths. The lead ares of the dod and more are warning us that other countries are working to influence our election. Basically, theyre warning us that other countries are trying to do the same thing our president just did is basically whats happening, but moist st the malicious activity comes on social media. People believe what they read. So they put whatever up there. Cnn had a panel up there today. They had female voters in pennsylvania. If you wonder how people believe this, this will tell you all you need to know. Are you comfortable with asking a foreign entity with help with dirt on a political opponent. Nobody is comfortable with that. You are comfortable, crystal. Hes president of the united states. He should be allowed to ask for military information well, this is political information. Well, even political information. Didnt every other president d
I am supposed to flirt with her, and i dont know how. [ door closes ] did your boyfriend break up with you because you were annoying . No. He died. You were right. Thats the downside of outliving your prognosis. Im not fine. You outlive everyone elses too. Its okay not to be fine. That is a downside. [ cellphone dings ] get out your phone. Hmm. Ill tell you what to type. You cant blame yourself. Im really good at phone sex. I was the one holding the knife. The blame lies with me. Its the only kind of sex i can have. We havent had sex. Ill stick to foreplay. But the responsibility is ours. No, thank you. Do you text your parents . Or are they dead too . [ chuckles ] yours and. Mine . Yes. My parents are in denver. Youre not objective about me. My dads job transferred them there. Because of our relationship. They always wanted to live near the snow. If we werent together, im not sure you wouldve agreed to let me do that surgery. Theyre outdoorsy, and im, you know, not. You honestly belie
Leonard klinerock at ucla and his graduate student wanted to send a transmission from a computer at ucla to a computer at stanford to something called arpa net. It took a computer the size of a room to tell you which golden girl you are. So the actual message they sent was interesting. They wrote, lo. And then the system crashed. The full message he was trying to send was supposed to be look at this picture of my penis. We made that up . They actually were trying to send the word login. But now our president is using that very technology on a daily basis, with [cheers and applause] to tweet gems like this. Today he tweeted nervous nancy pelosi is doing Everything Possible to destroy the republican party. Our polls show that its going to be just the oppodite. Is that the new eddie murphy movie oppodite . Even with all the madness, the president and first lady were handing out candy. What kind of music do you play when you have a bunch of little kids coming over . Jimmy thats right, mich
It is halloween night. If youre watching at hem wondering why a giant orange peanut is talking to you, you smoked too much weed and should go to the hospital right away. Im dressed as a circus peanut if you didnt know. Why . I have no idea. I dont remember. But i think we decided this in june and it seemed like a fogoo idea. I think i said i wanted to be the same color as the president president s face, and this is what happened. Circus peanuts are americas second favorite candy. It was not a happy halloween for the sour patch kid in the oval office. One day history will ask where were you when the house votes on the impeachment inquiry, and i will say on stage dressed as an orange peanut. The republicans in the senate will do nothing about it. But trump tweeted this was the greatest witch hunt in American History on halloween, which was funny. He claimed impeachment is hurting the stock market. And once again, defended his perfect call with the ukrainian president. He wrote read the t