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Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240711

Call your aunt ronda because of the restraining order . Deep state. And just like your actual crazy uncle, he doesnt know when to leave. Its pronounced kamala. Casa blanca . No, its kama, then la. Kookaburra . Yahtzee. This is settlers of catan. belches blowup crazy uncle. Because a family that inflates together celebrates together. You know any female sex dolls you can set me up with . Hell, give me a beach ball. Im not picky. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonights transition to greatness. Plus stephen welcomes glenn close and musical guest kane brown with sway lee and khalid, featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome welcome heres mud in your eye to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Im very excited. Im also a little tired because i got up way early this morning and interviewed barack obama today. The only thing keeping me drivi

Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240712

Tonight, taylor devine. Plus teefn welcomes mindy kaling and former c. I. A. Director john brennan. Featurinjon batiste and stay homin. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. You might notice when the show is open these days im leaning back in the chair a lot. Im either very comfortable in this job these days or i no longer have the core strength to sit up. Lets figure out which it is. Folks, the coronavirus pandemic continues to rage in americas hot zone 1600 pennsylvania avenue. And reports say the west wing has turned into a ghost town. Previously, the only ghost haunting the mansion was mike pence. Hes at least a zombie. Why else is he attracting all those flies . Things have gotten especially tough for white house correspondents like cnns joe johns who had this happen to him during a broadcast. Get there he is roaring the damn, frickin raccoons,

Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240712

Announcer stephen welcomes joy reid and yahya abdulmateen, ii, featuring jon batiste and stay homin now live on tape from the ed sullivan theaters Office Building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody welcome to a late show im your host Stephen Colbert. Let me just key up here. Mmm oooh, tepid i thought that was going to be hotter than it was. Hello. So nice to see you. Speaking of hot have you lost weight . You look amazing. We havent been together for a week, and ive missed so much has happened. So much has happened today. So much has happened in the last few hours. Honest to god, you guys back me up, im not entirely sure what were going to read even though weve read all of it because we had to change the order of everything minutes ago. The president ial election is only 15 days away. I cant wait for this to just be over. Its like an upcoming surgery, in that im planning on being anesthetized for the event. You know who could use some painkillers . Donald trum

Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240712

Announcer its a late show live with Stephen Colbert tonight the final shoutdown. Plus stephen welcomes live andrew cuomo and musical guesstimatguest,matt berninger. Featuring jon batiste and stay homin. Now live from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome one and all to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert, and we are live. Wheres the thing . Does it say live anywhere . Live following the final president ial debate of 2020. Tonight was Donald Trumps very last chance to make his closing argument. Please ignore what hes like and everything hes ever done. And tonight ill tell you if he pulled it off in tonights brandnew last ever setting the 2020 president ial debate. Old man slap two. Lled it off in the pursuit to mute blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah. Bah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. crashing sounds blah, blah, blah blah blah. Blah, blah, blah bla

Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240712

Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight finishing on a high vote. Plus, stephen welcomes South Carolina Senate Candidate Jaime Harrison. And musical guest Elvis Costello featuring jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan Theater Office building in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, i rarely say this, and i never mean it, but we have breaking news. Just moments before i walked into the studio im in right now, i learned something shocking. Two years ago you may remember, the New York Times published an oped called i am part of the resistance inside the Trump Administration by somebody known only as anonymous. People have been guessing who this ever since it was released. Well, this afternoon anonymous was revealed and its miles teller. Star of whiplash, the beloved fantastic four series, and the upcoming top gun reboot. I have no idea how miles teller got such intimate

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