Faithful. Youll have a butt clean enough to eat off of. So dont worry about the t. P. Shortage, come to ted bidets budget bidets and get the water up your squatter. Squatter. Stephen welcomes john oliver, and musical guest, alex ebert. With jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live onape from a safe distance, its stephen clbert stephen fire hello. Welcome to day two of my special quarantine edition of the late show with stephen colbert. Or as were calling it tonight, the flame show with stephen colburn. As you can see, ive migrated from my bathtub to my fire pit. Well eventually go through all of the elements. For a lot of americans, today is primary day. Despite the virus, americans are going out and voting. This is still a democracy. The only change is this year well be awarding the presidency to the person with the most toilet paper. Primaries were scheduled today in ohio, arizona, illinois, and florida. They should be fine. Are there any old people in florida . Theres nobody over t
An example. He was the winner of the home run derby, did you know that . The college home run derby. I said let me see. He stands up in that uniform. I did something for the air force, but i did something for all of the academies. If you were a great athlete and they had a hard type recruiting though they have done well. We want to sort of get them to go but they didnt because they didnt want to serve five years in the military. So i had one of the teams and she said, sir, give us the waiver, sir. They have been after the waiver. That means if you are a great athlete you can go to the air force academy or army, navy, the coast guard. You can go to one of our service academies, we got it through congress. You can go directly into the major leagues and nfl, and you serve your time after when you get out. Isnt that great . And the army coach is a great guy. All great guys. Said, sir, if you do that we can compete with anybody. We lost a lot of great athletes who said we cant do that. Now
An example. He was the winner of the home run derby, did you know that . The college home run derby. I said let me see. He stands up in that uniform. I did something for the air force, but i did something for all of the academies. If you were a great athlete and they had a hard type recruiting though they have done well. We want to sort of get them to go but they didnt because they didnt want to serve five years in the military. So i had one of the teams and she said, sir, give us the waiver, sir. They have been after the waiver. That means if you are a great athlete you can go to the air force academy or army, navy, the coast guard. You can go to one of our service academies, we got it through congress. You can go directly into the major leagues and nfl, and you serve your time after when you get out. Isnt that great . And the army coach is a great guy. All great guys. Said, sir, if you do that we can compete with anybody. We lost a lot of great athletes who said we cant do that. Now
Hello. We live in the United States. British settlers founded the first colony in north america and this guy said this. You voted to make english the National Language. Do you know what message it sends in a multilingual state as nevada. They are as american as we are. [speaking spanish] trish seriously . Hes attacking her for having voted for making english the official language. And she backtracked on her vote. What alternative universe do they live in. When i go to colombia or mexico, i speak spanish. When i go to italy, i speak italian, and when im in germany, i speak german. Would i expect them to speak english in these countries . Up not offended if in spain they say we speak spanish if i was an immigrant to any of those countries . Absolutely not. Check out the instructions that exist right now. I guess the democrats would repeal these if they could. You want to become a naturalized citizen of the United States. The government website will tell you this. There are things you can
Hello. We live in the United States. British settlers founded the first colony in north america and this guy said this. You voted to make english the National Language. Do you know what message it sends in a multilingual state as nevada. They are as american as we are. [speaking spanish] trish seriously . Hes attacking her for having voted for making english the official language. And she backtracked on her vote. What alternative universe do they live in. When i go to colombia or mexico, i speak spanish. When i go to italy, i speak italian, and when im in germany, i speak german. Would i expect them to speak english in these countries . Up not offended if in spain they say we speak spanish if i was an immigrant to any of those countries . Absolutely not. Check out the instructions that exist right now. I guess the democrats would repeal these if they could. You want to become a naturalized citizen of the United States. The government website will tell you this. There are things you can