Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

Faithful. Youll have a butt clean enough to eat off of. So dont worry about the t. P. Shortage, come to ted bidets budget bidets and get the water up your squatter. Squatter. Stephen welcomes john oliver, and musical guest, alex ebert. With jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live onape from a safe distance, its stephen clbert stephen fire hello. Welcome to day two of my special quarantine edition of the late show with stephen colbert. Or as were calling it tonight, the flame show with stephen colburn. As you can see, ive migrated from my bathtub to my fire pit. Well eventually go through all of the elements. For a lot of americans, today is primary day. Despite the virus, americans are going out and voting. This is still a democracy. The only change is this year well be awarding the presidency to the person with the most toilet paper. Primaries were scheduled today in ohio, arizona, illinois, and florida. They should be fine. Are there any old people in florida . Theres nobody over there. I forgot. Im alone. Yeah, florida is probably fine. Now, its disappointing for me, because before the coronavirus hit, we planned to do a special show of walltowall primary coverage called the late shows handholding, facetouching super smoochday primary. We will live forever today, one of e urtes, io, canced their election just hours before polls were set to open, then announced the primary was possibly postponed to june 2. Really, possibly . I want my elections to have a more definite plan than meeting my friends for brunch. Look, i understand postponing elections right now. It protects voters and poll workers. But weve gotta be careful, because weve been social distancing from american democracy for years. Someone should really check on her. Shes 244 years old. This is a fire poker, by the way, you can blow through. A lot of stuff is closing. For instance the met gala has been postponed indefinitely. I know for ordinary americans, this must come as quite a blow. Every year, the met gala is fashions biggest and fiercest night. Last year jared leto wore, as a casual accessory, wore his own head. They had to cancel this year because they were afraid hed touch both his faces. But just because the met gala has been cancelled, that doesnt mean that celebrities have cut down on the glam. One of fashions most daring tastemakers is billy porter. Last year, he was carried into the gala on a litter of gold. See, billy is ready for the virus. His shirtless men all wore masks. Katy perry is not going this year, of course. She is home, repeating her outfit from last year. She is still dressed as a hamburger. But this year, thats actual meat shes hoarding. And to keep up with the theme this year,ag amidst all of this, americans are desperately looking for thoughtful leadership. Or donald trump. This morning, the president tweeted a call for unity and cooperation. as Trump Federal government is working very well with the governors and state officials. Good things will happen sorry. The fire turned on me in the middle of that one. Good things will happen killthevirus. Okay, i get the idea of what hes saying. But its, you know, not the most comforting when pleasant words like good things will happen are followed by kill it. Have a beautiful wedding but first, lets throw rocks at the old boyfriend after bragging about working so well with state leaders, trump immediately had harsh words for new york governor andrew cuomo. Cuomo wants all the states to be treated the same. but all states arent the same. Some are being hit hard by the chinese virus. Some are being hit practically not at all. New york is a very big hotspot, West Virginia has, thus far, zero cases. Yeah, new york why cant you be more like your brother, West Virginia . He doesnt have any coronavirus. And i hear your sister rhode island is dating a doctor. You are such a disappointment. Clearly, this virus is a p. R. Disaster for donald trump, but at todays Coronavirus Press conference, Steve Mnuchin had a solution free money we are looking at sending checks to americans immediately. Americans need cash now, and the president wants to get cash to them now. And i mean now, in the next two weeks. Stephen cash for americans. And because its trump, im guessing itll be 130,000 for everyone to just say theyre healthy. Now, at the press conference, President Trump tried to focus on our bright future. One day, well be standing, possibly up here, and say well, we won. And were gonna say that. Sure as youre sitting there, were going to say that, and were going to win. And i think were going to win faster than people think. I hope. Stephen you know, when trump said we were going to be sick of winning, i didnt know he meant that literally. Trump then focused on what to him is the most important sector of the economy i spoke with executives from americas fast Food Industry wendys, mcdonalds all of the big ones burger king. And they were great. Theyve been fantastic. Theyve been absolutely fantastic. Stephen trump knows fast food is crucial during a pandemic. Thats why he started hoarding it a year ago. Now, weve all been calling it coronavirus, or covid19. But trumps been tooting his dog whistle pretty hard by calling it chinese virus. And he defended it at todays press Conference Reporter china and others have criticized you for using the phrase chinese virus . How do you feel about that . Are you going to continue using that phrase . I have to call it where it came from. It did come from china, so i think its a very accurate. Stephen no, its not. Its a very racist term. If you care so much about naming things where they came from, then call it bat bite fever, which was also the title of the shortlived Ozzy Osbourne musical. Sadly, it was canceled opening night, during intermission. Too many bat bites. For weeks now, trumps been acting like coronavirus is no big deal. En as cases unted, he said it was under control. He told us to relax. He said warnings about it were a democratic hoax. He said the infection rate would go to zero. He said it would miraculously go away on its own. Now that things are undeniably bad, he has a new strategy, and its his same old strategy. I felt it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic. All you had to do was look at other countries. Ive always viewed it as very serious. There was no difference yesterday from days before. Stephen no bad trump you dont get to do that everything youve ever said is on camera or on twitter. You cant gaslight us. That would be like me saying i didnt do a show from my bathtub yesterday. We all know i did. I recorded it. Was it a good idea to wear ear pods in a bubble bath . I will let history be my judge and the apple genius bar. According to a new poll, only 37 of Americans Trust in what theyre hearing from the president. This is the problem with having a leader who never tells the truth. At a time when americans are desperate for answers, a time when actual lives are at stake, we cant trust the one person elected to lead us. People keep saying we need to be on a war footing. But we got through world war ii because f. D. R. Did not kick things off like this december 7, 1941, a day like any other day. Sure, some stuff happened in pearl harbor, but relax. You know who didnt get bombed at all . West virginia besides, this whole japan thing will just miraculously go away by itself. applause stephen with everything shutting down around the globe, people are spending much more time with their significant others, which might not be totally good, because the coronavirus is driving divorce rates up in china. So its less till death do us part and more till the toilet paper runs out. Some people are predicting a similar rise in divorces here in the united states. But one divorce Attorney Says it could actually help spouses bond, saying that if a couple is on lockdown, it could reanimate their sex life. Hey, baby, lets pretend im the last man on earth, and youre the last woman on earth aaaaand. Oop, google alert. We are. In fact, some people are asking if these coronavirus shutdowns could lead to a baby boom. Yes, when this is all over, well have lots of kids running around, like little covida, her brother purell, and his best friend tony beefaroni. But even with all the shutdowns, some folks still arent taking this seriously. By the looks of it, this looks to be a pretty busy day here at the beaches, a lot of people here in the water. Were definitely still worried about it, but its not something that were letting consume our spring break, i guess. Stephen wow i am shocked, shocked i say that College Students on spring break are exercising bad judgement i know you kids are sick of old people yelling advice at you, but im going to yell from at least six feet away. I just got hit in the eye. No, im fine eye just they say when youre doing this you get a dry cough. Theres no way i will know if i have covid19 because i Hickory Smoked by avoleos today. They wont have to embalm me, thats for sure, because im as cured as a virginia ham right now. Okay, lets go back. I know you kids are sick of old people yelling advice at you, but im going to yell from at least six feet away. Go home stay in your hotel whatever you do, dont listen to this guy were not real worried about it because were on the sand, and its an open area. Theres not a lot of doorknobs and not a lot of things you can touch. Stephen oh, i see one doorknob. Speaking of irresponsible drinking, happy st. Patricks day. Being in selfisolation on st. Paddys is pretty weird, but on the plus side, i finally got to wear my tshirt, wave to me from a safe distance. Im irish. Many st. Patricks day traditions have changed this year. For example, due to coronavirus concerns, the band the dropkick murphys will livestream their annual st. Patricks day concert. I never thought i would say this, but thank you, dropkick murphys, for setting a good example for young people. Lets not just flatten the curve. Lets dropkick the curve where are my manners . Say hi to our friend jon batiste and stay homin. jon, happy Saint Patricks day jon yes indeed, right here at home, sitting at home. Stephen how are you doing, jon . Jon im good. Im quarantined. Stephen are you practicing social distancing . Jon yeah, i love social music, but this time its around distance. Stephen people get a little anxious because of this virus. How are you keeping yourself calm . Jon you know, im sitting around the piano. I have a lot of songs i can play and learn and books to read and watching stuff on hulu. Its crazy, you know. Stephen by the way, jon, happy st. Patricks day. Jon oh, yeah. Well, you know, its crazy to have st. Patricks day like this. Stephen yeah, no parades. No green beer. Or you can have green beer, but youve got to have it at home. I dont know how you do that. Make a smoothie or Something Like that, i suppose. Jon yeah, green juice, kale. laughs . Stephen thats you because you dont drink. Jon yeah, green juice for st. Paddys day. Lets go. Stephen you know, jon, the the dropkick murphys are livestreaming their concert this year because they cant have, you know, gatherings of more than 50 people. We should livestream a Little Something for the people right now. Jon i like that idea. We should pick, like, an irish folk song or Something Like that, like oh, danny boy or something. Stephen i like danny boy, but im not sure its entirely appropriate right now . Jon yeah, yeah, the old man might be immune ow compromises. Stephen you have this young boy named danny, and who knows if he washes his hands, going to see his old father. Thats a recipe for disaster. Ill tell you what, ill tell you what what if we change the lyrics. Jon yeah, we could do something with it. Lets give it a shot. Stephen hit it, maestro oh, danny boy, your hands, your hands need washing from thumb to thumb and all your fingers, too quarantine is near so do your t. P. Shopping ive nearly watched everything theyve got on hulu and stand ye back lets practice social distance or better yet, why not use separate rooms . Lets just stay home ill see you while facetiming oh danny boy, oh danny boy, have you tried zoom . I know youre young and fun is just what you want i understand that you do not feel sick but stop going out to all the bars and restaurants oh danny boy, oh danny boy, dont be a dick weve got a great show for you tonight. My guest tonight is john oliver live from three weeks ago. Stick around. Jon, play us out with something peppy carrie. Full groom for sure what . I just booked ralphies appointment online. That work . Wait you what . Its that easy download the app or book online at petsmart. Com dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. Music rocket fuel by dj sh ladies and gentlemen oul get ready, yall get ready ready set jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go keep it steady steady, to the letter, right . Turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, whatd i miss . Ready, set steady, bet can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. vo i want to rock rock i want to rock rock i want to rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock i want to. chris rock whod you expect . Sylvester Stallone i dont know. Me . vo i want to rock rock rock rock rock i want to rock when they bundle home and auto with progressive. Wow, thats. And now the progressive commercial halftime show, featuring smash mouth. Hey now, youre an all star get your game on, go play thank you goodnight [ cheers and applause ] now enjoy the second half of the commercial even renters can bundle and save where did that come from . The kitchen. It was halftime. band playing stephen welcome back. cheers and applause welcome back, and give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human, right over there cheers and applause everybodys looking so good tonight everybodys looking so good looking so good cheers and applause jon, in just a moment in just a moment, our dear friend john oliver is going to be out here. cheers and applause jon oh, yeah stephen hes a national treasure. Hes a national treasure, and hes an american citizen now. Jon oh, wow. Stephen yeah, i have been hounding him about it for years, he finally took my advice and became an american citizen. Were lucky to have him. As excited as i am about that tomorrow night, one of my alltime favorites, Julia Louisdreyfus is going to be our guest tomorrow night. A hot week of shows. Then its will ferrell the next night. Folks, lets get straight to our marquee guest. Ive had the pleasure of interviewing my first guest many times, but this is the first late show interview since hes become a u. S. Citizen. Please welcome brit turned yank, mr. John oliver cheers and applause Yankee Doodle dandy playing cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen good to see you. Good to see you. Good evening. Good evening. Stephen thanks so much. cheers and applause thank you. Stephen how delightful. Thank you. Thank you. Stephen welcome. Welcome, fellow american. Thank you, all stephen now, was this a Long Time Coming . How long how long this was a Long Time Coming. Stephen yeah . I came to america, much like eddie murphy laughter i, too, am a fictional african prince. I came here in 2006, and so i have kind of been wanting this to happen pretty soon after that. Stephen okay. So its been its been over a decade. Stephen but thats kind of par for the course. It takes a long time to become an american citizen. Definitely, right. I had to go through a number of visas, then through green card. Then i started applying for citizenship, and then it now takes longer because there are sand in the gears of the system, so my green card expired. And so i had to apply for a second one, and then i got it. So it was unbelievably tense. I thought about it all the time. But im incredibly relieved. Stephen what is the process like . I understand theres a test you have to take. Im slightly out of breath, and that is alarming, considering ive literally just been carried out. laughter stephen thats not a good sign. I mean stephen have a drink. I dont know i dont know what a medical warning sign is. I mean, i did that bit, you all saw that. Stephen yeah, sure. But i dont think that counts as cardio. Stephen yeah. laughter yeah, right. Well, youre an american now. Thats true thats true stephen you dont have to exercise anymore. cheers and applause sure. Yeah. Cheers. Stephen cheers to you, too. Cheers to you, too. Look, pinky finger down. Stephen sure. Now, as a prospective american citizen, do you have to take a test . Yes, of course, yeah. Stephen i dont know of course. I didnt have to. I was born. Oh, thats right. Birth canal, and they handed me the little thing when i came out. Your test was look down, where are you . Okay, youre good. No, you do. There are hundreds of different questions. Like, they kind of select ten of them to fire them at you. Stephen what happened at appomattox . Yeah, i mean, its not quite that, but it is things like, whats your state capital . Or, you know, whos the president . Thats a tough one. laughter it just becomes so real every time you say it. Stephen exactly, exactly. But its incredibly nervewracking. And the first question they asked me was, what is your phone number . And i was so scared, i forgot. laughter i blanked. I swear, its true. I blanked on my phone number. And then she said, okay, let me just check your Social Security number, and i went, i dont know what that is, either. Oh, this isnt going at all well laughter so, it was utterly petrifying. Stephen did they imagine that perhaps john oliver was impersonating someone else . Or someone was impersonating john oliver . Youre john oliver what were they testing you for . I was trying to explain to them why i was so frightened, why the whole process was so i was trying to explain to my wife, i have been anxious about this for a decade so its been, like, an everpresent hum in the back of my mind. So there was part of me, even the day of the ceremony, i kind of thought it was going to be a trap. There was a part of me that literally thought theyd open the door, and thered just be plastic sheeting on the ground, like i goodfellas . Stephen sure, sure, sure. And just Jared Kushner sitting there in a swivel chair stroking a hairless cat, saying, oh. That would have made more sense to me than the thing i wanted happening. Stephen now, was there did you have to, you know, renounce the queen and her empire, and all that stuff . I did that years ago anyway, so laughter cheers and applause wow. Wow. Is it. Stephen oh, yeah. Were americans were americans. No, im a dual citizen now, so i have two passports, like jason bourne. Stephen oh, really . Yeah. Stephen wow yeah. Stephen wow yeah, thats right, i can go anywhere, kill anyone. Thats the bourne. Stephen right, i believe thats what it is, if you have dual citizenship. I think his confidence in getting strong and hurting people really came from his ability to live and work anywhere on earth. laughter stephen you get to vote now as an american. Yes. Stephen are you excited about that . Yes, very excited. They signed us up the day that we took the oath. Stephen thats fantastic. It must be very moving to be in the room when people are being naturalized like that. Its incredibly moving. Like, its odd. As a comedian, youre kind of slightly allergic to sincerity, but it was 150 people laughter 150 people from 49 different countries. Stephen wow. All of us had been waiting a long time for this. I had been waiting, like, over a decade. There were people who have been waiting 30 years. So it was a big deal. And theres something very inspiring about the idea of these people choosing america, not just choosing america, but choosing america now laughter when the country is not at its best. applause so, thats the point, like, choosing stephen thats really hopeful. I really think it is. Choosing america now is like falling in love with someone whos vomiting all over themselves. Like, im taking a fly that theres a great human being under here. laughter but that is the thing. It was very inspiring to watch people buy into the idea of america, which obviously outlasts any president. The idea is still sound. Stephen right, america is just an idea. The land doesnt mean anything, really. Well, dont say that to someone whos still halfbritish too hard. The land doesnt mean anything. Oh, well take that, then. laughter just ask india. laughter stephen ive seen a lot of brexit rahrah patriotism over there. Yes. Stephen is that normal . Because i dont associate that kind of. Kind of there is no uncle sam, you know, to carry you out in england. Thats right. Yeah. I guess thats true. I guess it comes out normally at sporting events. Thats normally where you get the kind of land of hope and glory and flags being waved around. Stephen whats your team . Well, English National team . Stephen whats your team. Liverpool. Stephen liverpool. Okay. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. My familys in liverpool. Stephen okay. I love liverpool so much that the first game my dad ever took me to i was eight years old. And i made him let me wear my full liverpool kit and socks and shin pads and cleats under my regular clothes. Because my rationale at that age was if someone got hurt and they ran out of players, they might just turn to the crowd and say, does anyone have the necessary equipment to participate . And i was like, i do ive come prepared i can do it yes applause i have a little enough sense of consequences to think this might go well for me laughter stephen we have to take a break. Yeah. Stephen because, you know, commercials. Sure. Stephen well be back more with john oliver, everybody. Please stick around. cheers and applause band playing this is a shoutout to all those going the extra mile. Yes, you, unsung designated driver. And you, saturday soccer dad. All you unpaid movers and never miss a bedtime parents. Every single day. Hertz. Proud to be ranked 1 in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. Stay strong, stay with me these free sandwiches wont deliver themselves to the left. Yes, nice work. To the right. Enjoy. Enjoy. Sign up for jimmy johns freaky fast rewards® and earn a free sandwich after your first order. Finally, a mopping cloth that kills 99. 9 of germs, from clorox. Good moves. Or hydration. Neutrogena® hydro boost. The 1 hyaluronic acid moisturizer delivers 2x the hydration for supple, bouncy skin. Neutrogena®. Somewhere youll never find. Sike we put them everywhere. Grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and chiropractors offices, bowling alleys, and grocery stores, which we already mentioned. Not sorry, reeses. The family has to share one. Step up with boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones when you switch or dont and prepare to lose some furniture. Ooo. Got it step up with boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month or dont and remodel the living room switch to boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month with unlimited data, and 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones, all on our super reliable, super fast network. Step up with boost mobile. band playing stephen hey, everybody were back here with mr. John oliver. Yeah, were back. Stephen jonathan aloysius oliver. Yep. Stephen i dont know a lot about english football. Pardon the expression. As an american, you legally have to say soccer. Its not what a bleep melting pot is. Stephen the canadian mosaic, bleep . This is a melting pot. You melt down into our shape. You melt into our shape. Wow stephen you know the canadians say that . Were not a melting pot. Were a mosaic. bleep you. laughter melt, melt wow stephen yeah wow stephen yeah. Ive never seen this side of you. And holy bleep , its dangerous. Even in small doses, i dont really like it. laughter oh, man stephen sorry. The South Carolina is strong in you, stephen. Stephen sometimes. When im meeting someone who hasnt been american that long, i dont want them to get on the wrong path and think theres no difference than canada. Theres no wrong path. A melting pot is where you throw ingredients in and see how it tastes decades later. Stephen im never having fondue with you. laughter okay. Okay. Okay. So soccer, football. Yes. Stephen oh, liverpool yes. Stephen i dont really follow u. K. Football, but i understand liverpool is having a onceinalifetime season, like, everybody should be watching them right now. Its amazing. Theyre absolutely amazing. They havent lost a premier game. They have rediy arismatic nage anthey he an incredible manager who is a charismatincc german. Stephen theres a german here tonight. applause historically, charismatic germans need to be treated with care. laughter but this one is amazing. Stephen beautiful. There was this there was this there was this incredible game last season when liverpool lost the game to barcelona, and they aggregate the schools together. They had no chance, liverpool. And he said to the press he just said, i think its most likely we will lose this game. We will try to win, but if we dont win, we will try and fail in the most beautiful way. And that concept just hits me where i live. Fail in the most beautiful way is a poetic thing to come from a sporting coach. Hes an amazing man. Stephen is that very liverpoolian, failing in a beautiful way . I mean, the citys shipping industry died, so, yeah, i would say so. laughter stephen now, harry and meghan yes. Stephen the megxit the megxit happened. Yes. Stephen and i know you must be transfixed by the story because youre such a royal watcher. You know me. laughter stephen you just hang on every i mean, give me that i respect the throne. laughter yes, i dont know if anyone really cares as much as they likely think they do, but i will say you . Stephen i dont. You dont. Stephen i dont care at all. I dont care at all. E a eveousi it was ece of culturala prince. You sent an american over there, and you took a prince. Stephen yeah, it was a long con. Its a long con. laughter yeah, i think theyve absolutely done the right thing. It was a horrible situation for them to be in. I think last time one of the more recent times i was on the show before the wedding, i was saying this is going to be rough. The british tabloid press is rough on royalty, so i fully understand why they wanted to get out of there. Stephen do you understand americans obsession about this . I know you dont care about the royal family. It seems like a tourist trap to me. I understand pageantry. I understand being fascinated by someone elses pageantry in the same way im fascinated by the super bowl halftime show. You think, wow, planes going over and j. Lo going boink . cheers and applause i just think a Royal Wedding is just the american version of that. Stephen okay, i can buy that. Yeah. Stephen we have to take a brief break again. Please dont go away, theres more john oliver. There can never be too much john oliver. Hes like jello. Thats not true. cheers and applause band playing its time to step up. Prep up. Step up. Prep up. To help keep you free from the risk of hiv. From the makers of truvada, a new prep option descovy for prep. A oncedaily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. Its not for everyone. Descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. Talk to your doctor to find out if its right for you. Step up. For health and body. Prep up for your one and only love or many loves. 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Stephen this is,if theres hope for him, theres hope for all of us. Yes. Thats our postit. laughter applause i love this. I saw this on a bus. I love this so much. Me, too stephen this is the most honest ad ive ever seen. The first time stephen and its true. Its very hopeful. Its the most hope i think we can plausibly offer. I forgot that it was coming out last week, and i saw a bus pulled up in front of me and so my face there was. And there was a guy standing next to me, and he looked at me and said, why would you do that to yourself . applause stephen and in times square in times square look stephen there you go. cheers and applause im not sure its piano riff stephen everyone tries to look as sexes a they can. Weve done the impossible. Weve made times square a genuinely worse place to be. If i was walgreens there, i would be so mad. Weve got no control overt it. Its amazing. Stephen people going into this walgreens right here to buy Birth Control look at that and go, never mind. Were good. Were good. Were good. Fine. Stephen no need. Money back in the pocket. Stephen who is this kids crush . How old are you here . I was there probably 15, 14. Stephen 14, 15 . Yes. Stephen who was this kids first crush . That kids crush . My first crush . I was asked this the other day. I never thought what your first ever crush is, ever as a human being. And i think mine was eeyore from winnie the pooh. laughter stephen really . Better . I liked his general aura of negativity. Stephen gloom and doom. Yes, plus dumped like a truck. laughter stephen sure. But, yeah, i think what i really responded to was this kind of this manageable sadness that he had. So i think the first thing i felt really drawn to was probably eeyore from winnie the pooh. Stephen okay. In a 90 unsexual way. Stephen sure. Season seven is about to launch right now. Yes. Stephen congratulations. Thank you very much. cheers and applause stephen do you remember how long ago was how many years ago was season one . Was it seven years . It was six years. It was 2014. Stephen do you remember what that was like . When you start off a new show, a million things going on. We didnt know what we were doing. So, you know, we had no idea. I stood in for jon stewart that summer, the daily show. Stephen danger oh, he wasnt looking. I was hoping. Danger piano riff stephen he was 17. That was a valid attempt. Yeah, so that summer, i ran in jons place with carvelle. We wanted to so do something different, but we didnt know what that different thing would be or could be. We didnt know peoples Attention Span for things we would be doing. We were pleasantly surprised. People seem willing to sit for a while and listen to the dryest of subjects. Stephen what a delight to have you here. Always a pleasure. Stephen thank you so much for being here. Stephen season seven of last week tonight with john oliver starts sunday on hbo. John oliver, everybody well be right back cheers and applause band playing the bad news . So will this recital. Depend® fitflex underwear offers your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Because, perfect or not, lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Cool . Drop the taco. Get in the car. Does this sentra feel like a compromise to you . Wait, what. . The handling is good, right . No compromise there. Nope watch this. Umm. Bbrie. Brie brie rear automatic braking. So if this Nissan Sentra isnt gonna compromise, why should you . Youre right atta girl. The allnew Nissan Sentra. With more standard safety features than any other car in its class. With more standard safety features oh knocking at the door . Its about that time were gonna celebrate, come on everybody now celebrate together now burrito. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. Hot pot. Im hungry now. Noodle soup. Cantaloupe. Ice cream scoop. Whipped cream bloop. Dumpling. Chicken wing. Peking. And those crispy onion rings. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. We are americas kitchen. People ask me what scelebrity accountant. And, i tell them, nobody should. But, i just dont think you need a separate private plane. But i, but i want it hey, buddy. Whats the damage . I bought it the waterfall . Nope a new volkswagen. A volkswagen . i think were having a breakthrough here. Welcome to caesars palace. Thank you. [ siren ] doug give me your hand i can save you. Lots of money with Liberty Mutual we customize your Car Insurance so you only pay for what you need only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Guest as the lead singer of Edward Sharpe and the magnetic zeros. Performing stronger from his solo album, i vs i, please welcome, alex ebert. cheers and applause oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work, work, work oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work you make me realize how i can change you help me synthesize how to be from pain oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work, work, work oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work lets work whistling whistling whistling whistling la, la, la, la la, la, la, la la, la, la, la you help me realize how eyes can change you help me synthesize how to be from pain oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work, work, work oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work work, work oh, youre making me stronger oh, youre making me work whistling whistling whistling whistling whistling whistling whistling whistling cheers and applause stephen alex ebert, everybody well be right back. Thanks, alex. Corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs capt ned by media cess group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside of his