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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

Please. laughter also on tonights show, the price of gas is going up, new accusations are coming out against brett kavanaugh, and mike pence fights a horse. So lets catch uh on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with an update on that College Cheating scandal and the celebrity mom whos getting locked up. We are back now with intense reaction to Felicity Huffmans sentencing. The actress must report to prison in the next six weeks to serve 14 days for her role in the College Admissions scandal. She paid 15,000 to inflate her daughters s. A. T. Score as part of a massive College Cheating scandal. In the courtroom an emotional huffman told the judge, i was frightened, i was stupid and i was so wrong. Trevor okay. She said she committed the crime because she was frightened and stupid . I get the stupid part. What were you frightened of . Was the principal to have school, like, maam, your kids score is only good enough nor the university of phoenix. No, no please, no laughter by the way, if

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

Coming to you live, people. Dont believe me, check your watch. 11 00. See . Told you. Well get to what happened in the debate in a second. First, its important to know the stakes coming in. Unlike previous debates where all you needed to make it on the stage was a permission slip from your mom, this one had a hiring threshold for entry. Only the top ten candidates made the cut. 11 if you include Marianne Williamson debating from the dimension of the mind. laughter it meant for the first time biden, warren and bernie were all on the same stage, yeah. So this was a major milestone in the primary campaign, which is why proper debate preparation was more important than ever. This morning the candidates are getting into debate mode in unusual ways. Beto orourke jamming on the drums. Andrew yang shooting hoops. Pete buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar sharing the same likes. Buttigieg tweeting very funny, united. Trevor bound to happen, so many candidates flying to so many places, it was bound to ha

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

So, again, this is officer zenobia turner. If you would just call me back, i would appreciate that. Okay . Bye. Yall feeling that song we did, or nah . Its kinda delicate. Yeah. [bleep] it. Lets do a trap song. It was always gonna be a trap song. So, i fell asleep on the way home, and i rode past my exit, which is garfield. And i woke up downtown. But instead of going home, i just wanted to keep going, so i got back on the train, and i rode as far as i could. Then i started to get hangry, and there was this cute little restaurant nearby, and they had lobster rolls. So, you know i had to try one. Turner mmhmm. And when i say it was smackin, it was smackin. Then i just i was super full, so i just walked and i walked until i was in the forest. And then it started to rain, so i had to hide in this barn, cause you know i couldnt get my hair wet. [ thunder crashes ] luckily, this nice Little Farmer family took me in. And in the morning, i mean, i had the time of my life. I mean, we played vo

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

[growling] not enough, huh . Maybe the intense flavor of mint will freshen things up [wind gusting] i reach the gulf of mexico in no time and with all my strength, i drag cthulhu back to the depths from whence he came my trusty hero companions are there, still alive i return them to their world encased in a protective berry bubble. Then its back down to seal up the hole created by the bp oil company, returning home only momentarily to flip off my fat sister. Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, mintberry crunch. No, no we worked as a team all the coon and friends stopped the bp drilling spill crisis and finally the evil coon is right where he belongs. Come on, you guys, this is [bleep] bullcrap. Let me out youre not going anywhere for a long time. This is inhumane theres a big bucket with butters poop in here, and theres nothing to eat you got poop, dont ya . Well, im off. There are still many more questions left unanswered. I need to know what happened to my parents.

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

This would also include some punishment. It would include 100 hours of community service, an Education Course about prostitution, and a screening for stds. [laughter] a screening for stds . Like, what is all of this . Rich people get deals that ive never heard of. Admit you would have been found guilty and well let you go . [bleep] outta here, man [laughter] at least make him admit it in a room full of eagles fans, then well see some punishment, you know . This is insane well only let you go if youre guilty what . Like, rich people are already living in another world. And also, he has to take an Education Course about prostitution . [laughter] uh, if youve read the reports, he should be the professor, okay . [laughter] the guy has handson experience, if you know what i mean. The College Admissions scandal. For the past few weeks, the whole country has been rocked by the news that hundreds of parents have been accused of bribing their kids way into americas elite colleges, and also usc.

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