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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131205

[cheers and applause] jon thats is our show. Here it is your moment of zen. Norad is gearing up for the annual santa tracking mission. Santa has a couple of m18s on its tail. They captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen whooo welcome to the report, everybody. Yeah, i like it. Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to tonights episode of the report, everybody. Thank you so much. Please, ladies and gentlemen, good to you have in there, out there, all around the world, folks. Hi am so glad to be alive. What a time to be in the news biz. I mean between the holidays, come on. Events are unfolding all over various places. Yesterday fox newss the five held a round table on a Houston School administrator who said its students dressed like hoes. And over on cnn jake tappers lead story was about doing bob dylan for something he said two years ago. So those stories are covered. And you know where things are always happening . Washington d. C

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131205

Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen whooo welcome to the report, everybody. Yeah, i like it. Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to tonights episode of the report, everybody. Thank you so much. Please, ladies and gentlemen, good to you have in there, out there, all around the world, folks. Hi am so glad to be alive. What a time to be in the news biz. I mean between the holidays, come on. Events are unfolding all over various places. Yesterday fox newss the five held a round table on a Houston School administrator who said its students dressed like hoes. And over on cnn jake tappers lead story was about doing bob dylan for something he said two years ago. So those stories are covered. And you know where things are always happening . Washington d. C. Where congress only has ten workdays left. So you know theres going to be a flurry of activity as they pack for vacation. Because, folks, this congress has earned a very special

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131205

[cheers and applause] jon thats is our show. Here it is your moment of zen. Norad is gearing up for the annual santa tracking mission. Santa has a couple of m18s on its tail. They captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen whooo welcome to the report, everybody. Yeah, i like it. Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen welcome to tonights episode of the report, everybody. Thank you so much. Please, ladies and gentlemen, good to you have in there, out there, all around the world, folks. Hi am so glad to be alive. What a time to be in the news biz. I mean between the holidays, come on. Events are unfolding all over various places. Yesterday fox newss the five held a round table on a Houston School administrator who said its students dressed like hoes. And over on cnn jake tappers lead story was about doing bob dylan for something he said two years ago. So those stories are covered. And you know where things are always happening . Washington d. C

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20131206

Housing, food and medical care. Stephen thats right. The government is paying for Research Chimps to retire to louisiana. Because not even psychologically scarred aprils want to live in floor airports want to live in florida. Nation applause big Sunshine State fans tonight. Nation, this is great news. Because it Means Congress can agree on a social safety net as long as its not for human beings. And if theyre willing to reward Research Chimps with curby retirement, i see no reason why we shouldnt just offer the same deal to our elderly. As long as we can use them for medical experiments first. Face it, come on, face it. They already swallow whatever pills you put in the tray. And since we wont need chimps for research any more, we can have them do all the Things Congress refuses to pay people to do. Like rebuilding our bridges or paving our highways. I mean it would be so much better because a chimp on a tricycle is funny but a chimp on a steamroller, hilarious. Come to think of it, wh

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