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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130222

Join us next week at 1 00. Here it is your moment of zen. You may be paying for snapper and getting at that lapa instead. A staggering new report shows fish fraud is off the captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america theres no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. I mean, transportation secretary ray lahood . Why . Because his names got a car part in it . Thats a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next . Secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel . Now he wants th

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130223

[cheers and applause] hello. Last week, i introduced surprise trust falls to the world. Well, apparently its not the safest thing to ask our viewers to do. So now im being forced to ask you to stop doing them. They are dangerous. But that doesnt mean we should waste the surprise trust falls you already sent in. Trust fall. Trust fall. Trust fall. No no trust fall. 29. 95. Trust fall. Trust fall. Trust fall. Trust fall. Trust fall. Trust fall. Aah screw it keep sending them in [laughter] next week, nobody gets a web redemption because were taking a few weeks off. But while im gone, go to our website to keep up with our daily blog and be sure to follow me on twitter. And if you really miss me, check out my tour dates. Vegas. You probably notice something is missing. Thats because this is the last episode of casual jackets its time to hang them in their rightful place, in the tosh. 0 rafters. [triumphant music] [applause] oh. [offkey] its so hard [laughter] thats all i can sing before i h

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130222

Join us next week at 1 00. Here it is your moment of zen. You may be paying for snapper and getting at that lapa instead. A staggering new report shows fish fraud is off the captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america theres no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. I mean, transportation secretary ray lahood . Why . Because his names got a car part in it . Thats a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next . Secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel . Now he wants th

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130222

Join us next week at 1 00. Here it is your moment of zen. You may be paying for snapper and getting at that lapa instead. A staggering new report shows fish fraud is off the captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] stephen welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america theres no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. I mean, transportation secretary ray lahood . Why . Because his names got a car part in it . Thats a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next . Secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel . Now he wants th

Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20130319

[applause] have you guys noticed we have all new music this season? thank you asian guy from the neptunes. those beats are fresh. [laughter] next week, this guy gets a web redemption. reginald denny will never slow down again. make sure you tune in to see my new stand-up special, happy thoughts, premiering on comedy central march 6th. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com. okay, a lot of people think i make too many jokes about racial stereotypes, but the truth is black people love me. yeah. and i asked them why on twitter. the only problem is, twitter doesn t have a button that let s you sort people by race. i know. total flaw. [laughter] so i have to guess if my followers are black based only on profile pics and tone. your cardigan game is sick. well, then, i know you love colla! [laughter] the white girls in the audience. gotta love that white meat. i like dark meat. i know

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