Valentines day wasnt the sex romp you imagined it might be. [ laughter ] or maybe the romp is about to begin. I dont know. Is it about to begin . [ laughter ] go ahead, dont mind me. Just relax. Pretend im not here. Thats right. Cleto, maybe a little saxophone for the lovebirds. Oh, yeah. Thats good. Thats very good. Youre doing guillermo yeah, thats so good. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you ruined it. You ruined the moment. Go back to your spot, thats not valentines day is a weird holiday. Im convinced it does more harm than good. It used to be if youre a woman you get flowers at work and the whole office resents you. Now we have instagram, the whole world resents you. If your dinner reservation is before 6 00 or after 9 00, they did not. Not only is valentines time for romance, its also a great time to steal teddy bears. This happened on friday in phoenix. You see a couple of teenagers decided to jump out of their car and snatch two oversized bears. And you might be surprised to hear they didnt plan this one out very well. It was not an oceans 11 type caper. First they had trouble getting the bears from the truck, and then they got a visit from a giant man who came to retrieve the bears. Look at this guy. Heres the thing. There are always three bears. And when papa bear showed up, well, wisely these guys decided to surrender the merchandise. [ laughter ] and off they went. I love the fact they were willing to steal the bears, not run a red light. [ laughter ] and of course no valentines day no religious holiday would be complete without word from the ancient one, the host of the 700 club, mr. Pat robertson. Who actually knew saint valentine. They went to camp together when they were kids. [ laughter ] he may be old but he taught me something about what women of today really want this year. You know what the latest thing is today . Its not flowers. Its not candy. You know what the hottest new gift is . On valentines day its not flowers or candy . I cant imagine. Chicken wings. No. Barbecued chicken wings. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy no. No, its not. Is it possible hes confusing valentines day with the super bowl . Because that doesnt sound right. [ laughter ] from the white house this afternoon our president , Donald Jennifer trump [ laughter ] delivered a very special valentines day message to america. Im opposed to Domestic Violence and everybody here knows that. I am totally opposed to Domestic Violence of any kind. Everyone knows that. And it almost wouldnt even have to be said. So now you hear it. But you all know it. Thank you all very much. I appreciate it. Jimmy it almost would not have to be said. But for some reason it does have to be said. It has been another banner week for team trump. But theyre not letting it get them down. Last night the white house released a i dont know if you saw this, a new line of valentines day cards which were a big hit. So today they released even more. These are cards from all your favorite members of the trump administration, starting of course with the president himself who says spank me with a forbes magazine. [ laughter ] he loves that, allegedly. [ applause ] Vice President pence is in the mood too. His card is happy mothers day. [ laughter ] attorney general Jeff Sessions says im d. T. Elf. [ laughter ] dr. Ben carson, will you sleep with me . White House Press SecretarySarah Huckabee sanders has a card. She says i like my orgasms like i like my news. Fake. [ cheers and applause ] he special Counsel Robert Mueller even pitched in. Hes got a fun way about him. Happy valentines day. I regret to inform you youre under federal investigation. [ laughter ] president of Russia Vladimir Putin pitched in. He asks, whos your vladdy . [ laughter ] and last but certainly not least Senate Majority leader mitch mcconnell, girl is your body a preexisting condition . Because i dont want it to be covered. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you can download those. Whitehouse dot love orring . Meanwhile, white house chief of staff john kelly might be out of a job soon. President trump is all rightedly 12k50iding whether to replace him for the way he mishandled allegations of spousal abuse against former staff secretary rob porter. Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters the president has confidence in his chief staff, which means hes definitely fired. I feel like trump likes firing people once a week so he can have cake at the goodbye parties. Who would even want this job . Chief of staff. Youre basically the person who tells trump not to do the thing hes going to do anyway. John kelly, by the way, is the guy that had to fire omarosa back in december. And finally we know why. She was reported to have been abusing the white house car service. For real. They say she used the car service to take her to and from work, which is against the rules. The one rule the white house takes seriously is about dont abuse the car service. [ laughter ] wives you can abuse, no problem. Car service thats where we drawn the line. [ cheers and applause ] this is the multiple choice portion of our show. Im going to show you a photo of a woman youre going to guess who the woman is. All right . Heres the photo. And yes, the dress shes wearing is covered in little pictures of the dog shes holding. Is this woman a, lady westminster, owner of the Westminster Dog Show . B, mike pences first wife, Harriett Beecher pence. C, florence purina, heiress to the dog food fortune. Or g, georgette mossbacker, Donald Trumps newly appointed ambassador to poland . And the ambassador is thats right. Georgette mossbacker. She is a 71yearold socialite and our new ambassador to poland. [ applause ] put that photo back up there. Thats right. This is ambassador. As global tensions bring us ever closer to conflict with russia know that this woman is standing by at the border to come to our diplomatic defense. [ laughter ] you know how President Trump wants to have this big military parade . Well, as predicted, its not going to be cheap. According to trumps budget director mick mulvaney, the parade would cost between 10 million and 30 million. But dont worry, im sure mexico will pay for it. Theyre very generous. Director mulvany did point out that a onehour parade would cost less than a fivehour parade, so maybe it should be a onehour parade, which makes sense. But you know what would cost even less . A nohour parade. [ cheers and applause ] the 30 million you could pay off like 200 different porn stars for that kind of money. Have you heard the latest on Stormy Daniels . This might be the best of all of them. This might be lie number one. President trumps lawyer Michael Cohen finally admitted, he told the New York Times he paid adult film star Stormy Daniels 130,000 but out of his own pocket. It had nothing to do with trump. He was not reimbursed by the president or the trump campaign. He says he made a private transaction and would not comment on whose privates were transacted on. [ laughter ] this story is so unbelievable. The part about trump not paying him back is believable. That i believe. But what kind of an idiot would believe his lawyer decided to pay a porn star more than 100,000 for no reason . They didnt have sex . He just decided to give her money . I mean, if it wasnt for this ad he runs on local tv, this wouldnt make any sense at all. Have you never had sex with a porn star . Then you need a lawyer to give that porn star large amounts of cash. Not your own cash. His own cash. Call the law firm of Michael Cohen associates. Michael cohen is the leader in giving porn stars money for no reason at all. Michael cohen gave me 225,000. And i dont even know why. You pay nothing. Michael cohen pays everything. The law firm of Michael Cohen associates. Worlds dumbest slash most generous lawyers. Call 1800dumbass4. That 1800dumass4. Jimmy because trumps lawyer admits paid Stormy Daniels she might not be bound by her nondisclosure agreement in the first place. Her manager said everythings off now and stormys going to tell her story. Hopefully to me. This has to be handled sensitively. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like im nothing if not that. If youre a dog lover you may be interested to know which animal won top honors at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show this year. Best in show at the 142 nds annual Westminster Kennel Club will be the bichon frise. Jimmy i was hoping it would be that one. I think its nice they let a stuffed animal win for a change. [ laughter ] flynn was the underdog at the event. Its refreshing when the underdog is actually a dog. A bichon frise hasnt won best in show in more than 15 years. Flynn really wanted this. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the bichon frise is a breed thats typically owned by wealthy people. They have fluffy white hair, tiny charcoal eyes and theyre known for their total obedience. In fact, this is the most famous bichon frise. His name is mike. [ laughter ] and hes a very good boy. He really is. Congratulations to flynn. In human athletic pursuits the winter Olympic Games are under way in pyeongchang, south korea. Germany leads all other nations with 12 medals, seven gold. The u. S. Team has four gold medals. All for snowboarding. Good thing somebody ined snowboarding or wed be screwed. The olympics im sure you know if youre watching us are not broadcast by this network. Theyre on nbc. Which means we are not allowed to show you footage from the games. What we can do and have done this week is take clips from youtube and pretend theyre from the olympics. I think theyre even better than the expensive olympics. With that let me present highlights from night 3 of the winter youlympics. Next up on the course is finlands marcus torvills. A bit shaky out of the gate. Using those quick steps to build speed. And the bailout. Perfection look at his form. Great landing. Had he hit that mailbox it would have been a twopoint deduction. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, the pageantry. Is really what i appreciate. All right. We have a great show for you tonight. We have music from monica. Chloe bennet is here and were right back with Charles Barkley. [ cheers and applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by tmobile. Join the uncarrier right now, and get four unlimited lines for only thirtyfive bucks each. Woah. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. Prrrrrrr. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For a limited time, get 4 lines for just thirtyfive bucks per line, with no extra charges. Its showtime all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. And were gonna get the phone his phone,ry sorry. Uh out of you. The important thing is that were going to make you better. voiceactivated doubletone okay. Heres how to make butter. Pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning. Snickers® satisifes. This puppy had nothing on the new glad forceflex plus advanced protection kitchen bag. Its glads strongest, toughest, most leak resistant bag. Be happy, its glad. 60 of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. We the people. Are defined by the things we share. And the ones we love. Who never stop wondering what well do or where well go next. We the people who are Better Together than we are alone. Are unstoppable. Welcome to the entirely new expedition. Chilis has 10 lunches for just 7 when was the last time you had a great lunch . Just 7 for 10 awesome lunches cause lunch is back, baby its chilis for lunch chilis is back, baby, back, baby, back mmmhmm or take chilis lunch to go baby, go, baby, go finishing up your taxes, huh . Yeah. You should have an expert review your return before its filed. Can i do that . Uh. Hmm, dont touch the screen. Boop. H r block tax pro review. Have a tax pro check your return, and file it for you. H r block. This is google home max. Its a speaker thats smart. Itll tune to your room and fill it with music. So if you want to feel all the layers of that acoustic version you love. song by sylvan esso . Or if you just want to bump the bass. Hey google, play that song thats like. You might not ever come down. song by Anderson Paak use it with spotify or youtube music. And then ask it hey google, turn it all the way up. Introducing google home max. Part of the google home family. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi and welcome back to the show, tonight from marvels agents of shield chloe bennet is with us. And later monica will be on the mercedesbenz stage. Her new project is called drop the beat. Shes giving fans the chance to submit original songs for her next album. In other words you do all the work. [ laughter ] and then monica will sing the songs, i guess. Its brilliant is what it is. Tomorrow Natalie Portman and nba allstar kyrie irving will be here and super bowl mvp nick foles will be here tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] let me tell you something theres no woman or man id rather spend valentines day or any day for that matter with than our first guest. He might be the funniest guy on television. His show is called inside the nba. And you can see him all week as nba allstar, the game and the weekend comes to l. A. Sunday night on tnt. Please welcome hall of Famer Charles barkley. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing . Im good, man. Jimmy happy valentines day. Thank you. Im glad to be back. Jimmy im glad you are here. You broke my spirits today, though. I do no social media because i think people who do that are losers. And i had to go upstairs and read the mean tweets. Jimmy well, you have to. Did that hurt you . Were you surprised by how vicious they were . They were kind of funny. Jimmy oh, they were funny. I can laugh at myself. But it always amazes me how people can be so meanspirited behind a keyboard. Jimmy yeah, right. Because i always say this. Theres only two type of people who do that. Some loser who is at work who should be working, and hes worried about me. Or some loser sitting in his mothers garage or basement worrying about me. Jimmy i would imagine that very few people when they see you in person have anything negative to say. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] clearly youve never played in philadelphia before. Jimmy i have not. Shout out to my eagles. Nick foles. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy nicks going to be here tomorrow. Did you bet on that game . I did. I had a great day. Jimmy you did. How much give me a range. Do you bet like enough to buy a condo or like what we talking about here . In what city or state . [ applause ] jimmy okay, i understand. In alabama it would have bought a big condo. [ laughter ] in l. A. A small guest house. Jimmy i got you. But you did win. I did win. Jimmy is it true what they say about the fans in philadelphia . Are they the loudest and the angriest and the most passionate fans of all in the United States . Yes. You know what . Theyre great tans. But when youre losing there its not a lot of fun. You know whats interesting, i went up for the nfc championship game, and i stayed at a Hotel Downtown so i could be close to the stadium. It was full of vikings fans. So they pulled me aside, said charles, if things are going good for the game, how do you think we should act . I said hey, dont make a sound. I said those people, theyre going to be loaded, theyre going to go crazy. They came back to the hotel after the game, and they said pan, you were right. They were throwing stuff at us. And i said, and yall lost 387. Can you imagine what they would have been throwing at you if yall had won . It was crazy. They were throwing things at them. But theyre great fans. And the eagles are the number one attraction in philadelphia. Jimmy are they . Not the liberty bell . Not rockys steps . Not you know, im not a big tourist. Jimmy cheese steaks. Im telling you, as far as sports teams, when the sixers have done well, they won a championship, the phillies won a championship, the flyers are terrific. But its a Philadelphia Eagle town. Jimmy its interesting by far. Jimmy its interesting, certain towns, certain teams. Like the lakers are the dodgers are big but the lakers are the biggest here. Is it true you almost played for the lakers . You were almost yes. I actually got traded to the lakers. So i get a call from my agent one morning, he says i think we got a deal, youre going to the lakers, so me and two of my boys, this is about 11 30 during the day. Jimmy what year is this . Somewhere in the mid 80s. Jimmy okay. So youre in philly. I want to say ninety late 80s. I was so excited. So me and my boy went out to celebrate, started getting drunk in the middle of the day. I was so excited. My agent called me back three hours later and said the sixers pulled out of the deal. And weve got a game that night. [ laughter ] i dont remember anything about that game. [ laughter ] first of all, i was so pissed, but i was so drunk too. [ laughter ] i have no idea what happened that game. Jimmy you dont know your stats . I do not even remember the game actually. I can remember a lot of games i played. That day, we were so excited i was getting out of philadelphia. And i was blasted. We were doing shots and everything. Jimmy was that the only time you played while intoxicated . No. [ cheers and applause ] hold up, let me rephrase that. Jimmy okay, yeah, how do you rephrase no . [ laughter ] that was only time i played intoxicated. Jimmy i see. I have played hung over before. Jimmy you played hung over. Not the same. Jimmy theyre not the same. That was the only time i played i drank before a game. Jimmy do you think that goes on less nowadays . Are the players more straight . Or are they just all smoking pot now . You know, jimmy, i dont understand the fascination with pot. Jimmy youre not a pot smoker. I smoked pot five times in my life at the most and all it made me want to do is eat potato chips. Ive got friends who love, it ill admit that. It didnt take me no place. It didnt make me feel a type of way. I just wanted a potato chip. Thats it. Jimmy good for the people at lays. Yeah. Like i say i dont judge other people. But i dont understand the fascination with pot. Jimmy is it true youre friends with kenny rogers . Yeah. The gambler. When i got my last game in philly when they traded me he was my entertainment. I love kenny rogers. Jimmy you brought him to play specifically for you . He had to play the special song through the years. Jimmy thats the perfect song. I love kenny. He had a house in georgia where we played basketball. He had this allstar competition. Hed have four basketball players, four golfers, four tennis players, and four actors. Jimmy wow. And we played tennis, basketball, golf, and for the actors part we went fishing. I actually won. Jimmy you won the fishing competition . No, i won the entire competition. My team was called the jcpenney classic. Jimmy who else was on your team . Bruce boxliner. Jimmy oh, yeah. Mark calcavecchia. And roscoe tanner. Jimmy the tennis player. Thats fantastic. We kicked their ass, jimmy. [ laughter ] jimmy when was the last time you played basketball . I think the day i retired. Jimmy that was it . That was it. Jimmy did you love the game . I loved the game. I owe basketball a great deal. Im not the most educated person in the world. I went to college for three years, and im still a freshman. [ laughter ] but basketball has given me everything in my life. Jimmy isnt that interesting, though, that you would stop and never play it again, really never pick up a ball again . You retire because your body cant take that abuse anymore. Ive got two new hips now. Jimmy congrats. You see ive lost a lot of weight since last time jimmy you do look good. You do. [ applause ] im down about 50 pounds. Ive got about 25 more to go. Jimmy nice. I might come back. Jimmy you think you could beat any of the current players in the league . No. Theyre all good players. I mean, some of them are not really good but no, i cant beat any of the guys. Jimmy you mentioned you are still a freshman at auburn. But that did not stop them from erecting a statue in your honor. That was very nice of them. Jimmy in fact, i think we have a photograph of that. [ applause ] look at that. Thats very nice. Jimmy there you are. Did you have input into what you wanted it to look like . I told them i wanted the statue skinny. Ill be 55 next week jimmy. Jimmy happy birthday. [ cheers and applause ] i figure like this. Most of the people my age are not going to remember that i was fat. And the kids who are will now dont even remember i played there. Right. I love my college. Auburn university. Very nice of them. Jimmy to have a statue anywhere is a pretty great thing. Its really cool. They didnt have to do that. Jimmy were going to take a break. Charles barkley is here. He has much to say. Nba allstar weekend on tnt. Well be right back with more. Dont we need that cable box to watch tv . Nope. Dont we need to run . Nope. It just explodes in a high pitched yeahhh. yeahhh try directv now for 10 a month for 3 months. No satellite needed. Its toototally. Too orange in a good way dont settle. Shop ebay for the look you want from all the best brands. Ebay. I try to take care of my teeth, but theres acid in what i eat and drink everyday that can do damage over a lifetime. So my dentist told me to gopro with crest prohealth. Crest prohealth protects against acids in everyday food and drinks better than regular toothpaste. Thats how you nail a checkup. Crest. More and more student debt is keeping people from doing what they love. horn sound like buying a home. knocking sound traveling. Even getting married. At Citizens Bank we can help you refinance both your federal and private student loans. So you can start saving and get on wh your life. Ask a leader in Student Lending how we can help you reach your potential. Hello. Im Charles Barkley. Here are a few of my nicknames. The bread truck. The love boat. Food world. The crisco kid. And my second favorite, the wide loaf from leeds. Ton of fun. Goodtime blimp. But my favorite is the round mound of rebound. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats a Young Charles barkley. Were you the first guy to have like ten different nicknames . Oh, yeah. Jimmy afterwards, a lot of people have done that. My college, they were trying to drum up support first of all, let me give them a shout out. Theyre 10th ranked in the country right now. Very proud of my team. But auburns a Football School and we werent getting a publicity and we came up with this and it worked out great. Of jimmy is that right . You did it specifically for publicity . Yes. Jimmy who came up with the nicknames . Honestly i dont know. Jimmy who came up with round mound of rebound . Which perhaps is the greatest nickname in the history of sport . [ applause ] i have no idea. First of all, that brings back some good memories. Crisco kid. Oh, my gosh. The love boat. Jimmy a lot of those nicknames would be completely unacceptable ive been called the round mound or sir charles for 40 years but that brings back some great memories. Jimmy i would think so. When you were drafted out of college and drafted to philadelphia you didnt want to play for the sixers. I did not. The sixers told me who my agent whose a crook i dont want to mention him, he said at that time we had a hard salary cap. So the sixers brought me in a month before the draft. I played about 300 pounds in college. So i went to visit the sixers and i was 292. And the owner says listen, im worried about your weight, i dont know if you can ever play in the nba. It was a month before the draft. I want you to get down to 285. So i went to texas for the summer and trained. I actually got down to about 281, 82. And then my agent said you know, if you sign with the sixers you can only get a oneyear deal for 75,000. I said i didnt leave college for 75,000. Jimmy right. So we went on a threeday eating binge. Jimmy who was this going on it with you . No, just me and my agent. He went to denny and is had pancakes every morning. Went to like a fast food lunch, had my favorite meal at that time was two fish fell yillets large fries. I did wash it down with a diet coke. Went to a steakhouse every night for three days. Part of the caveat was the sickers said we want you to stop in philly the day before the draft. So i went from 282 to 307 in three days. [ laughter ] and i thought so i go in there, and the sixers owners, he gded me, called me mf, every name in the book. When when i got out, my agent was high five. Whoo. The sixers are not going to draft me. And then the guy said with the fifth pick in the draft the philadelphia 76ers select Charles Barkley. I thought oh, lord. [ laughter ] i thought they were not going to draft me. But im glad they did. Jimmy is the story about you ordering a pizza during the game when youre at auburn true . No. Jimmy thats not true. No. But what happened was the [ laughter ] no. But when i played on the road in the s. E. C. All of the other fans always sent me a pizza down to the bench. You know, i had to have a sense of humor. But yeah. When we played in every other s. E. C. Team they sent pizza down to the bench. Jimmy and would you eat the pizza . No. I dont eat during the game. Im watching my figure. [ laughter ] you know, i tell people i dont take it that serious. Jimmy obviously not. We play basketball. Were not like a teacher, fireman, doctor, policeman or someone in the service. I get so mad at these jocks today who take themselves so seriously. Like dude, you play a sport, shut the hell up and enjoy life. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy dot players youve been in the allstar game many times. Do the players like it . Is it a fun thing for them to be in the allstar game . Its fun for their family and friends. Jimmy not for them . No. Jimmy why not . You have a lot of stuff to do, jimmy. You have a press conference all day friday, basically. Then you have a practice. Then you have a bunch of sponsor deals you have to go to. Its great for your family and friends. But the game itself, when you finally get to that sunday, youre relieved ha its over. Jimmy i see. And do guys play hard during these games . I did not play hard. [ laughter ] jimmy you did not. You were the mvp once. I was the mvp once. Because like my obligation is to my team. I just came to celebrate the league. To break a sweat. But im not going to go out there and try to kill myself in an exhibition. Thats just stupid. Jimmy do you see guys that do that, that really play hard . Theres always a couple of idiots in the game. [ laughter ] we used to get together because i played on the east and the west. Wed like get together and look around whos going to be the idiot trying to get mvp . Jimmy who was the idiot . I cant tell you that, jimmy. Jimmy we could probably figure it out. But theres always a couple guys trying to play like its game 7. Im like dude, its an exhibition, calm down. Theyre diving for balls. Arent you worried about your legs and everything . But theres always a couple idiots trying get mvp. Those guys are dangerous. Jimmy i would think so. I look forward to seeing you guys talk about this over the weekend. The show is great. Ive got to till something, ill give you the best compliment any show can get. My wife could not care less about basketball or sports and yet she will sit down and watch your show with me because she thinks its funny. We fry to make it fun. Ernie, kenny, shaq. We have a great supporting cast. Like i just said a few minutes ago, were talking about basketball. Were not saving the world. Jimmy its a great show. You guys are doing a great job. Charles barkley. Inside the nba well be right back with khloe bennet. This is where she lives. Together with her best friend, [bark] jekyl. 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Classics like lobster lovers dream are here too. So enjoy these 10 lobsterlicious dishes while you can because lobsterfest wont last. This is google home mini. Its got the Google Assistant in it, so its super helpful. Watch this hey google, good morning. Google voice good morning, claire. Its 52 degrees with a chance of rain, so you might want an umbrella. Oh, thats thoughtful. Itll also read you the news, look up traffic, and tell you google voice your first meeting is at 9 00 a. M. And you know how sometimes youre in bed and you cant get out of it until you hear that one song that google voice okay, playing your get out of bed playlist. song from the lion king yeah, it can do that too. Its google home mini, and the rest of the google home family. of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi there. Still to come, music from monica. Our next guest had nothing to do for valentines day so we invited her here quite frankly because we felt sorry for her. She plays a destroyer of worlds, specifically this world, on marvels agents of shield which returns to abc with original episodes on march 2nd. Please welcome chloe bennet. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Jimmy hi. How are you doing . I am so good. Jimmy did Charles Barkley order those . Yeah, yeah, i just brought it out. No, you invited me on valentines day as you just said so i couldnt come emptyhanded. And i know you love food as much as i do, so i got you a little valentine. Jimmy we each got our own pizza . Well, no. Youll see when you open it up. You guys. Jimmy oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] which one of us should i eat . Wow. Wow, thats i didnt want to make things awkward, you and guillermo were saying so obviously. Jimmy oh, guillermos got one. Wow, thank you [ applause ] jimmy all right. Happy valentines day. Jimmy thank you very much. Whose face should i eat, mine or yours . Mine. Valentines day. Jimmy ill eat your face and you eat mine. I wouldnt eat that. I think its glued on. Happy valentines day to you. Thank you. Jimmy hows everything going in your life . Its great. Jimmy it is . Yeah. I have a date tonight. Jimmy whos your date tonight . Its a human. Its a human person. [ laughter ] yeah, hes a human. Jimmy who is this human . Its a human person. Im not great at dating. I think heres the thing. I think im great at dating. I dont think other people think im great at dating. [ laughter ] jimmy you mean the guys youre dating . Yeah. Which is an important factor of dating. Jimmy lets talk through it. What is it that you do thats turning people away . Theres a few things. I just really get bored. A big thing i always do on dates is when youre eating, you get the food and when the food comes you like without fail every time i put food in my teeth on purpose and sit there on the date and you can judge anything you need to know about a person by how they react to [ bleep ] in your teeth. Jimmy really . Yes. Straight up. Jimmy sow want to see if hes got a judge of character. Sense of humor. Jimmy interesting. Most people dont say anything. Jimmy whats the best way to react . The person i dated the longest put something in his teeth and we just went on with the date with stuff in our teeth. Jimmy and nobody mentioned it at all. No one mentioned it. Jimmy thats like out of a romantic comedy that would make you vomit. Yeah. Its great. Im glad brussels sprouts are trendy now because theyre super easy to get because its a skill to be able to put it in your teeth without making it look like you did. Jimmy what if you were out on a date with a gentleman and and he were to produce some dental floss . Would that be a positive or a negative . Theres like theres aggressive reachers who are like you have something in your and they go for your mouth. Jimmy thats no good . I dont mind it to be honest. [ laughter ] i dont know what that says about me. Jimmy whats the worst thing you can do . Not say anything. Jimmy what if you were to drink, have a glass of water and shoot out of the front space, shoot water out into thats something i would do. Like we would trade. Jimmy okay all right. This is good for me to know. I think youve taken some action that i believe is going to really help turn your dating life around. You made a very important announcement on instagram. Youre playing the saxophone again. Yes. Jimmy now i did not know you play the saxophone in the first place. I do. Jimmy so this is an again. When did you play the saxophone . I played in middle school for like seven years and then one day im like i need to play again. Its my calling. Im not as good as i remembered. Do you play . Jimmy i play the clarinet. You do . Jimmy yes. I play the clarinet. [ cheers and applause ] they have always have that standing by. I dont know who that is. Thats not me. Thats a nice ring. Jimmy why was i wearing a ring . I dont know what that was. [ laughter ] its beautiful. Jimmy i was engaged to my clarinet. Yeah. I feel like the clarinet is like diet saxophone, its the light version of a saxophone. Jimmy its the version of the saxophone that results in you never losing your virginity is what it is. [ laughter ] its the celibate version of the saxophone. It looks good. You wore that really well. Jimmy what band were you in . Marching band . I was in jazz band and then intermediate band. Yes. Oh, yeah. Is there a saxophone player . Did i insult jimmy cleto was the star of our jazz band. In fact, thats really what attracted us to each other. Thats beautiful. We didnt have actual shows though. We ended up playing like at macys jimmy well, thats a show. Awkwardly. In the like bra section. With our jazz band. Jimmy were you good at it . I couldnt i cant read music. So id just do it by ear. Jimmy youd learn the parts by ear i pretended to read music. Jimmy that indicates laziness. I probably could if i tried. Yeah. Jimmy youre on agents of shield. I am. Jimmy this season youre in space. We are. Jimmy youre fighting the cree, which i know because i played clarinet in junior high school. [ laughter ] what is going on on the show this season . Were shooting our hundredth episode. Weve done 100 hours jimmy wow. Thats a lot of them. I know. I started the show when i was 20. Im 26 now. And its kind of jimmy the show is stealing the best years of your life. All of my years are gone. Thats why i cant date. Im not good at anything. Jimmy who are you going out with tonight . Come on. No one. Its a secret. Jimmy oh, its a secret. All right. If it doesnt go well jimmy guillermo, follow her home. Guillermo i will. I will follow you. Jimmy its great to have you here. Marvels agents of shield is the show. 100 episodes. Original episodes return to abc on march 2nd. Chloe bennet, everyone. Well be right back with monica. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Sorry. I cant make it. Its just my eczema again, but its fine. Yeah, its fine. You ok . Eczema. Its fine. Hey hi arent you hot . Eczema again . Its fine. I saw something the other day. Eczema exposed. Your eczema could be something called atopic dermatitis, which can be caused by inflammation under your skin. Maybe you should ask your doctor . Go to eczemaexposed. Com to learn more. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel LiveConcert Series is presented by mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Jimmy thanks to Charles Barkley, chloe bennet. Apologies to matt damon. Nightline is next. But first to find out about the drop the beat project go to monica. Com. Here with the song angel of mine, monica. [ cheers and applause ] when i first saw you i already knew there was something inside of you something i thought that i would never find angel of mine i look at you and youre looking at me now i know why they say the best things are free gonna love you boy, you are so fine angel of mine what you mean to me you may never know deep inside i need to show you came into my life sent from above when i lost all hope you showed me love , you showed me love, im checking for you boy youre right on time angel of mine nothing means more to me than what we share no one in this whole world can ever compare last night the way you moved is still on my mind angel of mine what you mean to me youll never know deep inside i need to show sent from above when i lost hope you showed me love angel of mine i never knew i could feel each moment as if they were new every breath that i take the love that we make i only share it with you you, you, you when i first saw you i already knew there was something inside of you something i thought that i would never find angel of mine you came into my life sent from above you showed me love angel of mine how you changed my world youll never know deep inside looking at you youre looking at me now i know why they say the best things are free checking for you boy youre right on time angel of mine [ cheers and applause ] tonight on nightline inside the melting arctic circle. Where the elusive polar bear is clawing for survival. Their habitats gone. The world should be interested in this. As their environment disappears beneath their feet, these powerful killers are moving inland toward human kind. Is that the most frightened youve ever been in your life . Yes. Our amy robach on a journey to the edge of the earth. There are four polar bears right there swimming in the water. Thats incredible. With the americans who call it home. Most people here have firearms, just in case. And the scientists racing to save this vulnerable species. This special edition of