According to nbc news, special counsel Robert Muellers team is expected to interview former white house strategist steve bannon by the end of the month. Theyd do it sooner but they need to get their vaccines first. [ laughter ] according to sources, President Trump will nominate his tax lawyer to be the new irs commissioner. And i actually [ laughter ] i actually think we have a photo of Donald Trumps tax lawyer. [ laughter and applause ] shreddy. Shreddy is going to do a great job. [ applause ] many are claiming that by announcing on their wedding anniversary that she will not travel with President Trump to switzerland this week, first lady melania may be trying to send a subliminal message to trump. Subliminal . [ laughter ] look at her face. Thats about as liminal as it gets. [ laughter ] thats full liminal. [ light laughter ] democratic senator Tammy Duckworth this april will become the first sitting senator to give birth while in office. So, get yeah, give it up. [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. So get ready for the babys first words to be, gah [ laughter ] after the passage of the republican tax bill, starbucks has announced that it will be offering new benefits for its employees. But sadly one of them isnt spelling lessons. [ laughter ] its close. Its close. Pop icon elton john announced today that he will retire from touring after being on the road for nearly 50 years. Said mike pence, how nice for his wife. [ laughter ] what . That elton john . For how long . Forever . [ laughter ] a Car Insurance company has admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses. Claiming theyre more likely to get into accidents. [ laughter ] said customers with hotmail address, im going to give you a bad review on https yelp. Com. Thats right, a Car Insurance company is admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses. So if you have a hotmail address, i said youre paying more for insurance [ laughter ] and finally, we all every one of us has a tiny voice in the back of our head. But this is really exciting. Thanks to newly developed technology, we here at late night have the ability to record the tiny voice that is inside Donald Trumps head. [ light laughter ] and you might be surprised to know that like everyones inner voice, Donald Trumps is filled with paralyzing fear and selfdoubt. So here, once again, is the tiny voice in the back of Donald Trumps head. Father in heaven. Hey, donald. Its the tiny voice in the back of your head. And im going to say the prayer you wish you could say right now. Dear lord, please let me handle this elaborate charade that im trapped in. [ light laughter ] please let me open my eyes and be transported back to when i was running casinos and making cameos in home alone. [ laughter ] back to a time when i was disliked but still sort of a beloved kind of a freak. [ light laughter ] but if that cant happen, lord, can you please at least transform this glass of water in front of me into a 30liter bottle of diet coke and a bucket of Chicken Nuggets . Because, honestly, lord, that is all i really want right now. Please lord, make everyone disappear and put Chicken Nuggets in front of me. [ light laughter ] im going to open my eyes, lord. Im going to open my eyes and please let that be the case. Oh, goddamn it. [ cheers and applause ] seth its an amazing technology. You guys, we have a great show for you tonight. Hes currently in the middle of his allnew comedy tour entitled fixer upper, jim gaffigan is here tonight. One of the all time greats. [ cheers and applause ] he is the host of the van jones show on cnn. Van jones is back with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and standup from a fantastic comedian, Josh Gondelman is here this evening. [ cheers and applause ] so youre here a great night. Before we get to all that, the Trump Administration is facing mounting legal headaches and a series of dizzying scandals, including a potential Campaign Finance violation involving a porn star. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth its just another ordinary week in the year 2018. Which means in the last 48 hours its been reported that the fbi director threatened to resign over political pressure from the white house. The president s campaign might have violated Campaign Finance laws when they allegedly paid hush money to a porn star. And the governor of hawaii could not tell people that a missile alert was a false alarm because he forgot his twitter password. [ laughter ] the public could have known sooner about the false hawaii missile alert. But the governor forgot his twitter password. I have to confess that i dont know my twitter account logons and the password. So certainly thats one of the changes that ive made. Seth oh my god. [ laughter ] why is it that people who you actually want to tweet forget their passwords, meanwhile certain other people seem perpetually logged on . [ laughter ] although heaven forbid we ever get a missile alert tweet from trump. [ laughter ] so people in hawaii thought they were about to get hit with a missile for 38 minutes because the governor didnt know his twitter password. And somehow that isnt the biggest story in the news. Neither is the fact that the president of the United States allegedly paid hush money to a porn star named Stormy Daniels. And heres the thing, its not just a sordid sex scandal. It turns out it might have actually violated federal law. Did Donald Trumps lawyer break Campaign Finance laws when he reportedly paid a porn star hush money to keep her quiet about an alleged affair with President Trump . A watchdog group, common cause, says yes. Filing a complaint with the department of justice and the federal elections commission. Seth amazing. So theres actually a chance someone at the Justice Department will have to interview Stormy Daniels. [ light laughter ] and i for one hope its jeff sessions. [ laughter ] now, miss daniels, you say you engaged in, uh oh, i cant read that word. [ laughter ] oh i cant say that word either. Oh, dont even know what that word is. But im definitely not gonna say it. One things for sure, when sessions goes home that night, hes gonna answer questions from his wife the same way he answers questions from congress. How was work today honey . I dont recall. [ laughter ] so heres whats been reported. Trumps lawyer, Michael Cohen, set up a Shell Company to secretly pay daniels. And if that payment was intended to help trumps campaign, it might have actually counted as an inkind donation. Which means it should have been reported. And it definitely sounds like the payment helped trump out a lot. Journalists at several news outlets say just a few weeks before the 2016 election, daniels told them she wanted to talk about her relationship with trump. And then suddenly she didnt. The wall street journal also reports thats around the time cohen formed a Shell Company to pay the porn star 130,000 in exchange for her silence. Seth wow. So if they hadnt paid her off, the last month of the campaign might have been dominated by two people named Stormy Daniels and anthony weiner. [ laughter ] is it possible that the 2016 campaign was a porno . [ laughter ] are we living in a porno . Because he acts the way a president acts in a porno. [ laughter ] immigration, crime, north korea. Is it getting hot in here . [ laughter ] so, trump allegedly had an affair with a porn star, and then tried to cover it up a month before the election by paying hush money through a Shell Company called essential consultants llc. Now, the whole point, the entire point in setting up the Shell Company was to obscure their identities. So how did trumps lawyer, Michael Cohen, get caught . He put his name down on the documents. Michael cohen, Donald Trumps lawyer, created an llc so that he could pay Stormy Daniels 130,000. Essentially to stay quiet about this alleged sexual encounter. And according to the formation documents of the llc that the wall street journal is reporting on, Michael Cohen is listed as the authorized person on these documents, and Stormy Daniels is listed as peggy peterson. This appears to be a pseudonym. Seth wait, he used a pseudonym for the porn star but not himself . [ light laughter ] the porn star already has a pseudonym. [ laughter ] using a pseudonym for her and not you is like robbing a bank and telling your partner, here, wear this second mask on top of your first mask. And ill just cover my face with saran wrap. [ laughter ] of course, by now youve probably heard some of the more sordid details of the alleged affair. Like the fact that daniels claimed that her affair with trump included an unusual act. Spanking him with a copy of Forbes Magazine. [ laughter ] the spanking came during a series of sexual and romantic encounters with trump and that it involved a copy of forbes with trump on the cover. [ light laughter ] thats right. Trump got spanked with a Forbes Magazine with his face on it. And this is apparently the issue shes referring to. But its not just trumps face, check out who else is on the cover. [ laughter ] look at don juniors expression. He looks like right before that was taken trump said, smile, im gonna get spanked with this [ laughter ] now, on top of the potential illegality, theres also the fact that trump overwhelmingly won evangelical voters by pretending to be a godly man. And the socalled family values brigade was firmly behind him. So how do those selfproclaimed defenders of morality feel about trump paying hush money to a porn star to cover up an affair he had just months after his son was born . Well, tony perkins, president of the Family Research council, was asked about it on tuesday, and this will shock you. Hes suddenly a lot more chill about all that family values stuff. If the president were to all of a sudden revert back to some of that behavior as president , the evangelical support will not be there for him. So, its based on, we kind of gave him, all right, you get a mulligan. You get a doover here. Seth ah, yes. [ light laughter ] it just like jesus said to the apostles when they found him in a strip club. Bros, im gonna need a mulligan on this one. [ laughter ] you got me. Now im gonna need a mulligan. [ applause ] so why . Why are evangelical voters overwhelmingly sticking with trump, despite his apparent contempt for the values they claim to believe in . Well, true to the teachings of jesus, perkins said evangelicals like trump because he fights with people. They were tired of being kicked around by barack obama and his leftists. And i think they are finally glad that theres somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully. And even though punching the bully what happened to turning the other cheek . You know, you only have two cheeks. [ laughter ] seth technically you have four cheeks. [ laughter ] two on your face and then the magazine catchers in the back. [ laughter and applause ] and perkins [ cheers and applause ] perkins wasnt the only selfproclaimed social conservative who was in a forgiving mood on tuesday. There was also matt schlapp, chairman of the american conservative union. Schlapp dismissed the allegations, focusing specifically on the fact that the original interview with Stormy Daniels appeared in in touch magazine. I dont really have many thoughts on this, alison. I dont know what i dont even know what we know. Theyre basing this on a publication that is kind of like tmz, a gossip publication. Im sure the media would continue to originally, hold on matt, but theres been other reporting. The wall street journal, which is not tmz. Yeah, but theyre reporting that i know what youre talking about, in touch, the original one. But wall street journal yes. Do you read alison, do you read in touch . Hold on, hold on. I dont read it. Do you read it . I do read the wall street journal. And heres what they but i dont read in touch. Seth i guess its not surprising that matt schlapp would defend trump. Hes apparently such a big trump fan, he changed his last name to the sound a Forbes Magazine makes when it hits trumps ass. [ laughter ] schlapp [ applause ] oh, thats good. Schlapp oh, thats the candy. [ laughter ] this scandal is yet another example of the rot of bad faith at the core of the modern gop. Imagine if obama or Hillary Clinton had potentially violated federal Campaign Finance law by paying hush money to a porn star. The right wouldve lost their minds. But the same people who declared themselves defenders of family values and the rule of law for the last eight years dont seem to care about the fact that the president allegedly asked a porn star to give him a good old schlapp. [ laughter ] seth this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth well be right back with jim gaffigan, everybody. Stick around. [ cheers and applause ] crunching dude, your crunchings scaring the fish. Dude, theyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. With crunchy clusters and the taste of. Apples and strawberries. I got one i guess were having cereal for dinner. Deliciously hearthealthy kelloggs raisin bran crunch. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. 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Advil liquigels minis. Can someone make a target run . Great idea, sweetie get some more soda. Wed love some cheese dip noooo she likes guacamole. Get low prices, today and every day. Target run done. So naturally not all pet food is either. At petsmart, we understand that different pets need different food. Thats why were always adding new brands like Rachel Ray Nutrish real food recipes, inspired by rachel rays kitchen. So, our wide assortment including science diet, blue buffalo and pro plan just got even bigger petsmart has everything you need for these guys. Why shop anywhere else . Right boots . Petsmart for the love of pets. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, back on drums with us tonight, hes the from the renowned metal band mastodon whose album, emperor of sand is Grammy Nominated for best rock album. They also earned an impressive second nomination in the best Metal Performance category. Brann dailor is back, everybody. Thank you for being here, brann. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for having me. Seth our first guest tonight received his third grammy nomination this year for his comedy album sanko, cinco. I think i said it right. There you go. I certainly should. Hes currently in the middle of his latest stand up tour, jim gaffigan the fixer upper he can also be seen in the upcoming film chappaquiddick. Please welcome back to the show, jim gaffigan, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back. Thank you for having me. Seth im always so happy to have you here. Last time you were here you had just come back from asia. Youd been doing thats right. Seth touring there, and now this time youre just back from europe. How was your europe travel . You know, i got back on sunday. So im still a little bit delirious. Seth mmhmm. I mean the transatlantic flight, that is no joke, right . I mean, i guess thats the only option, right, to get across the atlantic. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Is the flight. Seth trans is the only way. Right . You never really theres no people like, you know what, i jet skied. You know . [ light laughter ] but its an insane flight. People are messed up after that flight. For days. Theyre like, i need a day. I need a day. But it doesnt seem that hard. Youre like it was hard. I had to sit in a comfortable chair for six hours. [ laughter ] and watch movies. I felt like i was being waterboarded. [ laughter ] people complain. It used to take six weeks. Seth yeah. It used to take six weeks to get from europe to the western hemisphere, and even back then people were like, thats great, you know . [ laughter ] thats good. Like how long did it take . Six weeks. Oh, thats good. Yeah, i was productive. I read every book thats ever been printed. You know . [ laughter ] but thats how columbus, he, you know, got from spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. And you know, he got here and he was like, i need a day. [ laughter ] you know . Seth yeah. I am so boatlagged. [ laughter ] give me a day, and then ill get right to raping, and murdering. [ laughter ] seth you cant be that exhausted. You just cant do it exhausted. No. Seth paris . How was paris . Paris was amazing. I guess i was there like eight days ago, and im still digesting the cheese. Seth okay. [ laughter ] my delicate american body [ laughter ] could not handle the cheese cheese. Seth yeah, because you eat cheese here in the states. My wife is from wisconsin. I love cheese. Seth yeah. But the cheese the french have a they take eating cheese to a whole other level. They make it an entire course at the meal. So youll have an appetizer, an entree, and then for absolutely no reason at all, a bunch of chunks of cheese, then dessert. After that you go to the hospital. [ laughter ] but its amazing. Its not like i dont eat cheese that way, but just not in public. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . Eating chunks of cheese, thats what i get caught doing. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . The first time i had the cheese course, i actually heard my heart say, are you mad at me . [ laughter ] my brain took over. Its like, its going to be fine. Everyone relax. Relax. Theres going to be sweating. Theres going to be a lot of sweating. [ light laughter ] you know, bowels, you can take a couple weeks off. [ light laughter ] but it was amazing. I tried dozens of french cheeses, and i couldnt tell you the name of one of them. And they told me the name. Theyd be like, this is shaw, shaw, shaw from the shaw, shaw, shaw, region. And id be like, so not cheddar . [ laughter ] it was amazing. Seth you also made it to scandinavia. I did. Scandinavia. Seth finland. Finland, i went all around the nordic countries, and ate a lot of reindeer. Seth you did youre not joking. This is a photo you took. Yes. Seth there was a place that was selling reindeer. This was, i think, in finland. But in norway, i went in a butcher shop, and they had a sale on reindeer meat. Nothing says christmas seasons over [ laughter ] quite like a sale on reindeer meat. [ laughter ] thats got to be a tough day for santa. [ light laughter ] i want to thank all the reindeer for your work this year. Now when i call your name, if you could come with me in the smokehouse. Donner. [ laughter ] that was amazing. Seth stockholm . Stockholm. Seth beautiful city. Beautiful city, and you know, you go to so many of these places, and you really want to experience the tourist attraction. In stockholm, the big attraction is the vasa museum, which is a ship museum. But there is you go there, and theres only one ship. So its less of a museum. Its like a ship garage. [ light laughter ] and you learn i learned that this ship, essentially it floated for like a moment, and then it sunk in stockholm harbor. So their museum is a boat that didnt float. [ laughter ] like most countries, their largest tourist attraction is, you know, an engineering marvel, or some beautiful natural thing. In stockholm, theyre like this is a boat that didnt float. [ light laughter ] this is why we make furniture. [ laughter ] but it is a beautiful boat. [ applause ] seth congratulations. Third grammy nomination. Will you be going to the grammys . Im actually presenting at the grammys, and im really excited. It will be fun to watch Dave Chappelle win. Seth oh yeah. Thats Dave Chappelle is nominated. I mean Dave Chappelle, he did four comedy specials this year. Seth four hours in a year. Which is insane. I dont know if ive watched four comedy specials. Seth yeah. And you are prolific as well. Youre not a lazy comedian, but four in a year is that not seth yeah. Thats wrong. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] hes making us look bad. Seth yeah. And if he doesnt win, then it will be seinfeld, or itll sarah. So its like its fun to go. I mean, you know, the awards shows are great, and i know you hosted, and you did a great job by the way. [ cheers and applause ] seth oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Its theyre fun. I mean, i have to admit, like, you know, i feel kind of mixed emotions about the red carpet thing because the red carpet, really they want to see beautiful people, or beautiful dresses. So when im walking down the red carpet, like the photographers always look at me like, all right. [ laughter ] you know . Maybe his plane will go down. You know . [ laughter ] well check it out. And at the grammys, its like its even younger, and more eccentric. So people look at me, and theyre like, is this betty whites dad . [ laughter ] so its going to be a little awkward. But its amazing, and its so exciting to go. Seth i am also really excited for this, because youre also a fantastic actor. And youre going to be in a film that im very excited about, chappaquiddick about that moment in history. Yes. Seth is it do you like doing dramatic acting . I love. I mean i love all types of acting. And obviously, chappaquiddick not a comedy. But for me, its just i enjoy acting, and some of it, it really comes down to the opportunities. And really auditioning for film roles is thats the humiliating thing. I describe auditioning as like stripping, but you dont get a dollar. [ laughter ] you know . Its rather brutal, but i love it. And chappaquiddick is amazing. Seth youre a stripping intern. [ laughter ] its really brutal. You go in there, and half the time theyre like, nope. [ light laughter ] so, its fine. Seth well, i cant wait to see that. Good luck at the grammys. Thank you. Seth its an honor just to be nominated. Remember that. It is. It is. Seth and always great to see you. Thank you for coming. Thanks buddy. Seth jim gaffigan, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] fixerupper tour dates, go to jimgaffigan. Com. Well be right back with van jones. [ cheers and applause ] with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. elevator speaker going down. Not again. Alexa, play my broken elevator playlist. Playing your music. Get a free moto mod with amazon alexa when you buy a moto z2. Available at major carriers. When you buy a moto z2. When you filter out the bad. Youre left with. The good. In life. And in water. Choose the cleaner, better tasting world of brita. Choose the filtered life. Try degree ultraclear black white saves your white clothes from yellow stains and black clothes from white marks still with 48 hour sweat protection. Try degree ultraclear black white it wont let you down lyrics things are gonna get lyricseasier. 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You might not ever come down. song by Anderson Paak use it with spotify or youtube music. And then ask it hey google, turn it all the way up. Introducing google home max. Part of the google home family. [ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest is a former Obama White House adviser, bestselling author and cnn political commentator. His new show the van jones show premieres january 27th on cnn. Please welcome back to the show, van jones, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back. Oh, its good to be back. Seth very excited for the new show. One of the things youre trying to do in the show is talk to ordinary voters. Yes. Seth people that maybe dont get talked to a lot about how they came to decisions on election day. Right. Seth but your first show one of your guests is i would say no one would say this as an ordinary voter, is jayz. [ light laughter ] how did you end up with jayz based on what your thesis for your show was . You know, a little populism, a little pop star. Seth uhhuh. Its all pop. I wanted to have jayz there because he really is, i think, the american success story. Seth sure is. You know, i think people on both sides of the aisle feel like they cant get there. Maybe americas going away. I wanted to have him. Plus, hes kind of famous. I need ratings. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] i dont blame you for opening with jayz. No reason to put him on your fourth or fifth show. Exactly, yeah. Seth so one of the things you did, and i think youre going to try to do on this show, you went to charlottesville. You did a segment called van in the van, where you actually loaded it up with liberals and conservatives. And you drove around obviously a place that its recent history or you know, i would say its long history too is very fraught. And you had liberals and conservatives talking together. Did anything come out of it . Did people try to get out of the van . [ laughter ] it was one of the things that sounded like a great idea at the time. Seth uhhuh. You know, youre like, hey, weve got this concept. And, you know, yes, there were tears. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. But you know what . It actually, both sides, i think came away really understanding a lot more. We drove by and well show it on the show. We drove by where Heather Heyer was murdered. And im talking, and i didnt realize it took me a moment. The woman behind me is crying. And i was like, wait, this is real. And its not just like charlottesville was like a talking point. This is their home town. Seth mmhmm. And a white terrorist mob came and tore their town apart. And they havent gotten over it. And so suddenly, it goes from a stunt to as real as real can be. And youll see on the show. Seth and do you find when you spend time with people from opposing points of view that progress is made . Do does anyone convince anyone to have empathy for the other point of view . You know, im glad you asked about the empathy point. I dont think anybody is changing their mind anytime soon. I think weve got a tale of two presidencies. Some people saying, look the stock markets great. You know, unemployments down. I got a tax cut coming. Im happy. Other people are saying, oh, my god. [ light laughter ] what is happening . This is the most insane thing. And its only like 4 30 in the morning. I havent got out of bed yet. Seth yeah. So and i dont think people are going to change their minds anytime soon. But i think people can start changing their hearts a little bit. We dont have to agree with each other. But we got to understand each other a little bit better. And right now my concern is you know, the reason were putting the show together is, were going to vote against each other this year. Were going to campaign. But we dont have to hate each other. And thats got to stop. The hatreds got to stop. Seth yes, i agree with that. [ cheers and applause ] is there obviously, though, there has to be there has to be a line for where your empathy stops. And you know, when you mention both sides and you mention charlottesville, i think obviously the issue with the president s comments when he said both sides is one of the sides was nazis. And that thats i dont think ever our empathy has to go that far. Right. Seth so where does it stop . Well, ill say a couple things. Theres some stuff were just going to have to fight about. Nazis, grabbing d. R. E. A. M. E. R. S and throwing them out of the country. Were going to fight about that. Were not going to let anybody, you know, brutalize people, mistreat people, bigotry, hatred, that kind of stuff. Some stuff you got to fight about. But you cant fight about everything and still have a country. Seth mmhmm. There are some areas where we actually have more in common. This addiction crisis is killing people in the hood and in rural america. We should be working together on that. You know, none of our kids are getting trained for the jobs of tomorrow. Robots will have all the jobs. None of our kids thats something we ought to be talking about. You know, also the court system, the criminal Justice System is a wreck. Both sides recognize that. So listen, where we have to fight, lets fight clean, honest, tough and well. But if you have any Common Ground past the battleground, identify that, too. Because otherwise we wont have a country. Seth bipartisanship certainly seems very terminal at a national level. But you actually see some hope for bipartisanship at a local level. Absolutely. Seth in local politics. Look, i grew up in a small town. And its called jackson, tennessee. And heres the reality. You can only disagree so much. Because you are going to see the same people at the laundromat next saturday. Seth right. [ light laughter ] so you you know what . I see it different. How is your boy . [ laughter ] and i think at the Grassroots Level and thats why we are go out and listen, i love d. C. I love politics. You know, you see me every night. I love it. But i tell you, as soon as you get out of that bubble and youre out there in real red state, real blue state america and talking to real people. Theres a genius and a wisdom that ordinary people have that were not hearing enough from. Were going to bring that on the air through my show. Seth well im really glad youre doing that. I think plus jayz. Seth plus jayz, yeah. [ laughter and applause ] so you strike me in general as an optimistic person. The very fact that you would put those people in your van. Yes. [ laughter ] seth so where do you do you feel you know, again, were just past one year of this presidency. Where does your optimism, if you have it, come from right now . You know, just, listen, sometimes i think we just lose some perspective, all right . Dr. King was killed 50 years ago. They shot him in the face. He was 39 years old. They shot him in his face in front of his friends. Not one of his friends gave up. Every one of those people to this day, if theyre still alive, theyre working today. You want to talk about optimism. So listen, we have like an orange nightmare dude with weird tweets. Seth mmhmm. [ laughter ] accurate. We can survive some tweets if dr. Kings friends can hang in there. And the reality is, i think we didnt fight as hard in 2016 as we should have. 2008 we worked hard. 2012 we worked hard. 2016 we said, we got this. And we got our butts kicked. Thats not a bad statement so much about him as it is about us. When we stand up, we are powerful. When we sit down, the country falls apart. Lets claim our power. Lets be good to each other. Lets fight hard. But lets not become the hatred were trying to stop. [ cheers and applause ] seth thank you so much for having conversations with people we otherwise dont hear from. Van jones, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the van jones show premieres january 27th on cnn. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] owhere, sir how many of em . We dont know. Dozens. All right lets teach these freaks some manners good luck out there, captain thanks but i dont need luck, i have skills. I dont have my keys. on intercom all hands. We are looking for the captains keys again. They are on a silver carabiner. Oh, this is bad. As long as people misplace their keys, you can count on geico saving folks money. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Chil chicken and steak for just 10. 99 major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back what are you doing . I dont need all this. Mucinex fastmax can handle pretty much every symptom. Name one. How about nine . Even. Yea, i can read. Were done here. 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But because we did, we now have to mention those sponsors on the air. So id like to apologize in advance. Late night tonight is brought to you by pc peeps. [ laughter ] the only peeps laced with pcp. [ laughter ] want to have a farout easter . Grab some pc peeps and watch jesus come down off the cross and talk directly to you. [ laughter ] pc peeps. Theyre a trip. [ laughter ] were also sponsored by clocktapuses. [ laughter ] its a clock with an hour hand, minute hand, second hand plus five more hands. [ light laughter ] clocktapus. What time is it . All of them. [ laughter ] next up its vealcro. [ audience oohs ] wha the velcro thats 100 veal. Its the velcro you can eat. But also feel bad about eating. [ light laughter ] vealcro, its legal, for now. [ laughter ] dont forget about estimators. A calculator for people who just want the estimate. [ laughter ] 231 times 40 is like 8,000 or 9,000 . Sounds about right. Estimators. Loosen up. [ laughter ] also diet glue. 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[ audience oohs ] [ light laughter ] get her an Engagement Ring that says, i love you. And thank you for being white. [ laughter ] kkk jewelers, she will not see this one coming. [ audience oohs ] [ applause ] megaphone silencers. Is your megaphone too loud . [ light laughter ] throw on the megaphone silencer and youll be silent as a mouse. Megaphone silencers. Theyre the best. [ laughter ] we spend more time talking about this prop this week than anything else. [ laughter ] people always say, dont you get tired of talking about donald trump . And im like, if it means i dont have to talk about a [ bleep ] prop again. [ laughter ] were also sponsored by hot and spicy qtips. [ light laughter ] does your earcleaning ritual need some kick . Well these qtips are specially flavored with 13 original spices from south americas hottest peppers. Hot and spicy qtips. Are my ears burning or is it just my hot and spicy qtips . [ laughter ] also, front burns. Sideburns for the front of your face. 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See Marvel Studios black panther its not just something we say when you arrive. The warmth of an irish welcome stays with you long after you leave. So come on over. Well give you the inside track. And let you into some Little Secrets that will take you back through history, bring our landscapes to life, and make your evenings last longer. Welcome to ireland. [ cheers and applause ] seth our next guest is a standup comedian who is a writer for last week tonight with john oliver, and a regular at the comedy cellar here in new york. You can see him this saturday headlining the bell house in brooklyn. Please welcome to the show Josh Gondelman, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] hello, everyone. Oh, my goodness. Well, thank you for your enthusiasm. [ light laughter ] this is what im like. [ laughter ] this is me all the time. Im like if a cardigan were a person. [ light laughter ] so lets get cozy for a little while, shall we . I had a pretty good 2017 despite 2017. [ laughter ] and im here to tell you a little bit about it. My wife and i adopted a dog. Thats very exciting for us. [ applause ] yeah. Oh, thank you. Shes a pug, so scientifically she shouldnt even exist. So every day is a miracle with our little dumpling. [ light laughter ] if you cant imagine a pug from the name of the breed its one of those dogs, looks like a loaf of white bread with a face smushed on to the front slice, and a butt smuched onto the back slice. [ light laughter ] and if youve never hung out with a pug before its kind of like if that loaf of bread came some of the way to life. [ laughter ] thats her vibe. [ laughter ] shes so cute. I love her so much. Her name is busy, but it wasnt always. [ light laughter ] when we adopted her, her name was daisy. But we didnt like that so we pushed it to busy, which is very rude of us, because when we adopted our dog she was 8 years old. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] you guys get thats middle aged for a dog. Thats like meeting a 56yearold human, and going, whats your name . Debra . Nah. [ laughter ] im going to go ahead, and call you barbara. Hope that works for you. [ light laughter ] i mean, you better be cool with it because i control all the food, and water, and youre too small to reach the door knob. So anyway, babs, i was thinking. [ laughter ] lets get you into your halloween costume, and yes, i know its january, but im sad right now. So for the next several hours, youre going to be a lady bug. [ laughter ] i got married last year. That was very wonderful. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Its the best. It was so good, i should have mentioned it first. [ laughter ] my wife is amazing, and i know it sounds corny, but she really does make me want to be a better person. Thats real. [ audience aws ] thank you. Shes a big reader, and ive been going through her favorite authors to understand how she sees the world. And i recently came across a famous feminist quotation by canadian author Margaret Atwood, which is probably how many of your favorite jokes start. [ laughter ] Margaret Atwood once wrote, men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them. [ laughter ] yeah, thats heavy, and i dont know how to feel about that as a man who is also afraid that men will kill him. [ laughter ] worse case scenario, while the woman laughs, if im being totally honest. [ laughter ] when i get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water, i get fully clothed. [ light laughter ] and i dont just mean tshirt, boxers. Im talking blazer, high tops. [ light laughter ] and thats not because im modest in front of my wife, or nervous the neighbors will see me nude through the window. Its because my greatest fear is the world is that theres a burglar in our apartment ready to take all our stuff, but before he does he sees my naked body, and just goes, weird dick, loser. Bang, and thats it for me, im done. [ laughter ] then my wife wakes up giggling, like you did have kind of a weird one. [ light laughter ] and then they get married to each other, and im just stuck in the apartment as a ghost haunting them forever like every dick is kind of a weird one, boo. [ laughter ] and thats why im a feminist. Thats my journey. We all have our own. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Im trying to be more attuned to little acts of sexism when i see them. For example, back when we were engaged, people would ask my then fiancee, now wife, all the time right in front of me if she was going to take my last name. Which is a little presumptuous, and its a little sexist, right . Because no one asked me if i was going to give it to her. Huh . [ laughter ] if i was justgoing to let her embrace the poetry that is gondelman into her life every day forever. [ light laughter ] thats my name, and thats my choice. It is so political what you do with a name, especially for women. Its who you are. Some people keep theirs, some switch. I know a bunch of couples, both parties hyphenate. Thats a good solution in the shortterm, longterm creates more problems than it solves. cause if you hyphenate, you have a baby, that little hyphen grows up, marries another hyphen. [ light laughter ] then at their wedding their last names both becomes sonnets just like that. [ laughter ] its too much. I have a friend whose name is james irvingthompson. Thats a wonderful name rich in family heritage, and tradition. Last two hyphenated, no big deal. What if he goes out, and marries a woman named kelsey lovesmith. Also a wonderful name, but on their wedding day he becomes james irvingthompsonlovesmith [ light laughter ] thats not one mans name. That is literally the starting lineup of last seasons cleveland cavaliers. It is. I know i dont look like i know that, but i know that. [ laughter ] i learned it for you because you, audience, also make me want to be a better person. [ laughter and applause ] thank you guys so much. What a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Seth Josh Gondelman, everyone. Well be right back. Thank you. Seth that was great. Thank you so much. Seth thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] i love it. Such a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to jim gaffigan, van jones, Josh Gondelman. Brann dailor. [ cheers and applause ] 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. See you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ]