Ree hours before the party. But mother, youll never guess how much i paid for oh, lord, my nails are a mess. Here, carol, buff this. Mother, i buff, carol, buff youll find silver polish in the den. By the way, mother, im three months pregnant. Carol, i dont care what you do at the office. When youre home, you work. Now, scooch. Walter, are you still here . maude, will you calm down . Its just a little party. A little payou call a sitdown dinner for 12 people a little party . For crying out loud, maude, it isnt even your party, its vivians what are you doing all this for . Because poor vivian is a nervous wreck as anyone would be when her husband calls at 4 00 in the afternoon and says, oh, by the way, dear, therell be 12 extra for dinner tonight, and then hangs up. Mmm. All that work for royalty certainly paid off. Oh, where did you get this fabulous recipe . The medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. Now is the time to find the coverage thats right for you. 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When we became eligible for medicare, we were overwhelmed. I called healthmarkets and they helped us find the right plan. Leon of california says. Healthmarkets was excellent. They explained all our medicare choices and followed up at every level. And heres what judy of indiana writes. Medicare shopping was very confusing if only we talked to you first lthmarkets, we make finding the coverage you need fast and easy. Because we know you have Better Things to do. Call this number and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you without cost or obligation. You have only weeks left call now before the medicare deadline. Why dont you make get some fun things for the party . Like what . Come on, walter, you know arthur and his friend are intelligent, professional, sophisticated men theyre doctors. Get a couple of whoopee cushions and a dozen hand buzzers. bell rings ill get it, philip. You ordered two heads of lettuce and three cans of, uh, mixed nuts . Maude, did you order two heads of lettuce and three cans of mixed nuts . Maude i ordered one head of lettuce. Maude i heard that, walter throw him out how much do i owe you . Its a charge. Hey havent i seen you before . You look awful familiar. I dont think we know each other. Hey, theres somethin about you. Look, i think you got the wrong guy. Hey, wait a minute you drive a blue sedan . Yeah, why . This morning. You stopped for a red light on main street, and just as i drove by on my honda, and spit it out the window walter i know, i know. Whoopee cushions. Three months pregnant . i only said it so youd pay attention. Think my lowcut blue dress will make me look too sexy . Not anymore, mother. Thats right, carol. Hit and run Maude Findlay what in tarnation are you doing to my wife . what . youre making her a nervous wreck. Shes got the seating arrangement all fouled up she put a brain surgeon right next to a foot specialist. You cant do that theyre at opposite ends of the body what would they talk about . T halfway down the back, they could talk about you. Maudie, i dont think you realize what a coo this is for me. My guest of honor is one of the biggest neurosurgeons in the country. I was very lucky to get him. It was just a lastminute thing. Arthur, what are you doing . Oh, vivian forgot to order liquor. s. Oh, yeah. What is that smell . Oh, stuffed cabbage dubrovnik. Cabbage . Youre gonna serve cabbage to 14 people in one room . Maude, i think youre deliberately trying to ruin my party. Arthur, if it werent for me there wouldnt be any party. Oh, maude, maude, i need your help right away vivian, please its unbecoming for a prominent physicians wi to submit to hysteria. You wouldnt find dr. Schwartzs wife running around the jungle like a chicken with its head cut off. Who are you . Im your maid. Oh, of course. Stella i didnt recognize you in somebody elses house. Oh, maumaude, since youre handling everything tonight, oh, gladly, viv. Gladly. Now, look, stella dear, actually there is very little for you to do. Ive already made the main dish. I want you to do a few extra things like fix the remoulade sauce for the seafood, uh, cocktail. Uh, clean the shrimp, toss a green salad, prepare and cook the vegetables, and for dessert make a baked alaska. Then youll simply serve, clean up, and wash the dishes. Thats all there is to it. Thats all . Thats all. I quit. No wait, wait, wait uh, stella, you cant quit i dont do windows, and i dont do parties. Which is why the harmons have the quietest house and the dirtiest windows in the neighborhood. Uh, stella, listen, listen. Havent we always treated you just like a member of the family . Yeah, black sheep of the family. vivian whimpering vivian, vivian, let me handle this. Im a liberal and these are my people. T occasion. And as a prominent civil rights leader, i would personally appreciate your making an exception in the case of these ofays. Well, all right. If you put it that way while you do the serving, ill wash the windows. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I am not that much of a liberal. Now listen to me, stella. You are going to serve at that party, and that is that well, now, mrs. Findlay, how. If you think that im gonna serve, you can take a flying leap into your cabbage dubrovnik. Bye. Stella stella, come back look, stella, well compromise ill do half the shrimp tsk. I knew it, i knew it, i knew it 15 years ago when she came to work for arthur, i said, arthur, do not hire her. She is not dependable. Be a total disaster. Its likely to be the end of my marriage to arthuroh. Thats the spirit, vivian. Look on the bright side. Oh, now, look, vivian. I promised you a sensational party and youre gonna have a sensational party. But whos going to serve . humming, singing mrs. Naugatuck. Ill lend you mrs. Naugatuck. You will . Well, of course, its the least i can do. Oh, thats perfectly wonderful. Oh, come on, vivian, its nothing. Uh, you mean you really dont mind . Miwhy should i mind . Who would mind . If you have to leave the room, mrs. Naugatuck, its perfectly all right. Just a moment. Just a flipping moment. A person can lend another person a book, or a few bob, but a person does not lend queen vivian, calm. Now, look, mrs. Naugatuck, ducks. I wasnt going to lend you, love. Now, thats just the american way of asking you if you have the time, as a person, as a friend, to help mrs. Harmon out in her hour of need. As we say at the birdwatchers society, bullfinch. Ill give you 20 bucks. Oh, oh, thank you oh. Therell be 12 of us for dinner. whoopee cushion releases air hey, this is fun. releases air again all right, all right, stop acting like a doctor and go get dressed for the party. releases air wonderful, walter. Those doctorsll adore it. Party . Were not going to any party. What are you talking about . Of course were going to the party. What makes you think were invited . Arthur never said anything about us coming. My oldest and dearest amigo in the whole world would let me knock myself out saving her first big dinner party if i werent invited . Shows how little you know about the deep simpatico between two women who have known and loved each other for 35 years. Oh, maude, i think everythings going to be fine now. Thank you so much oh, sweetheart, it was nothing. Thats what friends are for. And youre the dearest ill tell you all about the party tomorrow morning. Walter maude, are you all right . Maude, what are you doing . Hello, police . Id like to report a noisy party. Maude 37 crenshaw. Nno rush. It doesnt start for three hours. John, were giving you a raise. Thats fantastic but im gonna pass. E you ok . Honey, you got another present. No thank you, dad. 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A chance to live longer. Ask your doctor about opdivo. Bristolmyers squibb thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians hello . Oh, um, vivian, im so sorry, dear, but mrs. Naugatuck cant make it. No, she just caught her nose in the pressure cooker. Yeah, shes currently suffering from a softboiled septum. I never do anything small. So, thats it, maude. What a rotten thing to do. You are right, walter. And completely brilliant. Now, go upstairs and get dressed for the party. Maude, i will go to a party tomorrow night, next week, next month but not tonight. I think your behavior is neurotic and childish neurotic and childish . This from a man who cries when he misses a rerun of Gilligans Island . Maudie, we have to talk to you. Oh, vivian, arthur, im so glad you popped in. Wont you join us . Maudie, this is no time for practical jokes. I am under a great deal of stress, and vivians nails are still wet. Mrs. Naugatuck . Mrs. Naugatuck . Mrs. Naugatuck coming coming back upstairs, naugatuck. Youre not going. I wish youd told me earlier. I could have gone downtown and picked up a sailor. Mrs. Naugatuck, the fleet may be in, s ago. Back upstairs wait a minute come back down here, mrs. Naugatuck back upstairs i wish youd make up your minds. With all this upping and downing, ive got a run in me pantyhose. Its obvious maudes upset oh, come on, vivian. I wouldnt go to that party if you got down on your hands and knees and begged me. Although youre welcome to try. But maude, we thought we were doing you a favor. Maude, we thought youd be bored stiff. Vivian, i stuffed my cabbage for you. Maudie, please, its nothing personal. You just dont belong at the party. Itsits only for doctors. Maude, arthurs right. His parties are dull, dumb, and stupid. Thank you, walter. Come on, arthur, it is perfectly obvious. Walter and i arent good enough for you and your friends. That is absolutely untrue. Now i demand that you release mrs. Naugatuck. Its too late to get anybody else. Then may i suggest selfservice . Which would be very apropos considering the fact that your house is decorated in early jack in the box. bell rings maude, please. Dont you see its too late between her irresponsible accusations, and then withholding mrs. Naugatuck, shes reduced vivian to tears. Oh, arthur. I beg your pardon. Were invited to a party at the harmons and, uh, they arent at home. Dyou know where they are . Oh, the harmons . Havent you heard . Heard what . Theyre dead. Theyretheyre really dead . Yes, as far as were concerned. Make her give us mrs. Naugatuck. Arthur. Please. You want us to beg . Well beg. Come on. Beg, beg, vivian. Beg, vivian. Vivian, get down. No no no down, vivian. I wouldnt be able to face myself in the mirror. With that dress youre wearing, just exactly what is it you want from me . I want you to throw your arms around me and tell me you are sorry that you treated me in such a miserable, rotten, shoddy way, and that you wont be able to sleep nights unless i come to your party. Maudie, i think youre acting im sorry. Oh, arthur, shut up maude, im sorry. I treated you in such a. Rotten. Rotten. Miserable. Miserable. Shoddy. Shoddy way. And i wont be able to sleep nights unless you come to my party. Ease . Maude, please . No spells no. weeping oh, maude i had to tell you every single word to say. And quite frankly, i said it all much better. Maude, i know, i know i shouldve invited you to come to my party, but you know, i was just so upset and so nervous and. But you know that i love you, you feel what . Terrible. Rotten. sobbing miserable. Oh, vivian, you have no idea how happy that makes me. Maude oh, vivian wont you please come to my party . oh, no, vivian i wouldnt dream of imposing myself on you. You have your party, and god bless you women. You can say that again. Mrs. Naugatuck mrs. Naugatuck, its 7 00 time for the party thank heavens thats solved. As you know, walter, my guest of honor is a very important person. In fact, he was mentioned today in errol wilsons column in the paper. Oh, yeah, why . Well, his wifes an actress. King kong . Yeah. She was the one that king kong took up to the top of the empire state building. Fay wray . Fay wray, arthur . Fay wray . Fay wray, ar maude, Fay Wray Fay Wray oh, youve heard of her . Are you kidding . Im the only man in the world ong 153 times ten to one he mentions bruce cabot. Bruce cabot. Bruce cabot standing there. Clutching, clutching fay wray. With her dress in shreds and her long blond hair blowing in the wind. Robert armstrong. Robert armstrong with the poor dead kong lying at his feet and saying and he actually said this, arthur you mean that fay wray is gonna be at your house . yeah, all the doctors are bringing their wives. How could you have fay wray and not invite us . oh, walter, whats the difference . Who cares . I care i wanna go to that party and meet fay wray come on, now, walter, youre acting like a little boy. And im a mad little boy all the years that ive known you, and the one time you have one, were not invited where the hell do you think youre going . back upstairs walter, come on. Arthur is your best friend. Thats right. Good lord, walter, i no sooner get your hysterical dumdum wife calmed down, then you start. Walter fay wray. Arthur, you are a stupid condescending quack i resent your innuendo, maudie. How dare you call arthur a quack youre not even one of his patients which is why im standing here right now, vivian. I am shocked i thought you people had more class. Class . What do you know about class . You paid for our wedding present with green stamps. Vivian, you told dont talk to me about class, maudie. Im a wizard of avis. All walter belongs to is a country club, and he had to be told to buy white shoes. Oh, yeah . I got personalized license plates big deal anybody can get plates that say wally f. I have m. D. Plates. Arthur can park in a bus stop i know, thats where he picked you up. Oh. And to think we considered you our friends. Were the only people who like you enough to be your enemies. Oh, go shave your legs now, wait a minute, all of you now, let me tell you something about friendship. Vivian, arthur what . Ours is over, and get the hell out of my house thats just fine with me. Ill be old and gray before i set foot in this house again. Like before you had your hair dyed and your face lifted . Well, i never i know, thats why you had your hair dyed and your face lifted. Oh oh vivian, we are leaving. And i can assure you itll be a frosty friday in may before youre invited to our house at a party again. Fay kong, or no fay kong. If you think that i would ever come to a party that you gaveever if you think i would step one foot in that dump and and throw away my pride and my dignity and sink to the depths of being your friends, you are out of your minds it is my dignity. whoopee cushion releases air oh. How soon can you be ready . I am ready. Walter, why arent you dressed . Just give me a minute vivian, well need another bottle of scotch well, good night, all Donny Hathaway . Lady godiva was a freedom rider . Women . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She didnt care if the whole world looked . . Joan of arc with the lord to guide her . . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She was a sister who really cooked . . Ooh ooh. . . Isadora was the first bra burner . . Aint you glad she showed up . . . Oh, yeah . . And when the country was fallin apart . . Betsy ross got it all sewed up . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres . . That uncompromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but tranquilizin . All . Right on maude . Carol carol carol, carol. I cannot find my eyelashes where are my eyelashes . Xt to the water glass. Good lord. Maybe walter drank my eyelashes. Mother. Carol, i had them last night. They are not there this morning. Somebody broke into the house. Somewhere in the neighborhood a prowler is Walking Around with my eyes. Will you please calm down . Ill loan you my eyelashes. Oh, bless you, carol not the ones im wearing theres an extra pair on my dresser. Thank you, carol. How can i go to the office with naked eyes . Arol, im sorry if ive been a weebit nervous this morning. I promise ill be all right just as soon as i get rid of my nervous stomach. Theyre off and running. . Doodledahdo doodledahdo . Whats the matter with grandma . Shes scared. Grandma scared . Grandma is the first woman her Real Estate Office has ever made Branch Office manager. Shell be boss over three men. Big deal. I get bossed around by women all the time. chuckling thats my boy and so does grandpa. You little twerp. Do you wanna fight . Three rounds. Loser takes on grandma cut it out, you guys cut it out saturday or no saturday, youve got homework to do. Woman bosses. doorbell rings morning morning, everybody. Wheres the new boss lady are we still in time to wish our lady executive luck . Plenty of time. Shes upstairs slipping into a new stomach. She really wants to succeed in this job. You know how it is. The more you want to succeed at something, the more afraid you are of failure. We came over to wish you good luck this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Yeah, maude. This isnt like you. Walter, arthur, i want the truth from you. Do you think those guys down at the office are going to give me a rough time because im a woman . Absolutely not. Sure they will. Who asked you . Youve got to expect some resentment. After all the three men working under you have families to support. They really need the money. Youve got a husband to support you. Keep it up, arthur, and youll need a cane to support you. Let me, mother. Arthur, were tired of this old american myth that says women shouldnt make as much as men for doing the same job. Here we go, womens lib. Plus what she gets in commissions because thats what the job pays regardless of sex. Right on, carol so even if those men at the office resent you. Resent me . Yeah, even if they hate her. Hate me . Theyll probably put pressure on her and make her look like an ass a complete ass but shes carrying 3,000 years of oppression. Maybe 4,000. Maybe 6,000. You and i know only 6 percent of the women make over 10,000 a year. So those men are going to try and take a knife and stab it into her twist, right. Time oh, boy, oh, boy. You shouldnt let what arthur says upset you. Maude . Sweetheart, ive never seen you this insecure. Dont you realize this is the first time in my life im having the opportunity to be something more than just a woman in a mans world. I am an individual with responsibilities. Oh, its scary. Ta da look, mother. We all chipped in and bought you that. Its for your first day on the new job to the new Office Manager yeah oh, it is just beautiful msmf. Oh ms for ms. Ms. Maude findlay. We had the f for findlay done in watercolor in case you get married again. Oh, look at me. Just look at me . Here you all are gathered around, wishing me luck, and how do i react . Just like the stereotype hysterical female. I promise you i will not be that way at the office. Atta girl oh, thanks, everybody . Dahdahdah dahdahdah . . Dahdahdah dahdahdahdah . There. Maude oughta like that. She loves yellow. Touching. Very touching. Come on, woody. So shes a woman. So shes our boss, so what . You want me to be happy about a woman being our boss . For shes a jolly good female . . For shes a jolly good female . Cut it out yeah. It wont be so bad, woody. We all got along with maude before and we will now. She hands out the assignments and we do our own thing, as always. Just as long as she doesnt mess up any of my deals or give us that temperamental stuff cause its the wrong time of the month. You are you are what am i . Hi, guys. Hi, maude. Another day, another dollar, right . Good morning, maude. If anybody asks us, well just deny it, right . What did i tell ya . Wrong day. Thats enough, woody well, now, guys, ill tell ya. Ive been looking over the sales figures from last month, and, quite frankly, i think we can do one heck of a lot better. Lets just take a look at them. Ah. Oh, theyre beautiful. Oh, they are beautiful oh mm. You remembered yellow. Uh. Look, guys, i dont want to sound unappreciative. I mean, theyre lovely. You know, if you like flowers. Um. Guys, what im trying to say is, um. If youre new boss had been a man, would youve given him flowers . I wouldve preferred cigars. Great. Be my guest. Thanks, woody. Ill keep it for later. What im trying to say, guys, is that our relationship should have nothing to do with the fact that im a woman. About what i have planned for today. Excuse me, ive got to get the radiman file. Uh, well, i i had a number of houses that i. Thought we would. Woody, i want to talk to you. Look, maude, you do your job, and well do ours, and everythings going to be okay, all right . No, woody. Woody, i know why youre acting the way youre acting. You think you do . Woody okay, maude, you wanna talk . Have a seat. You see, there you go. Would you have done that for a man . Would you have pulled out a chair for a man . No, i wouldnt. My point exactly. Listen to me, woody. I am not a woman, do you understand me . I am a person like you are a person. I am a person, woody. Do you understand . Okay. Now, id like to get to my desk, person, so could you move your boobs out of the way . You cant talk to a lady like that you gotta apologize, animal i can handle this i can handle this ill prove it to you. Go ahead, go ahead. Woody, Say Something dirty. Why dont you take a flying no, you arguing i may be small to hell with you, woody i cant handle this tom, please make them stop make them stop youre the boss, you stop them. Oh, my. Come on, woody, please. This is my first day. You cant fight because oh, good lord. Save us now. Shes crying. I beg your pardon . May i see someone about a house . Youll have to wait. Were breaking in a new Office Manager. sobbing maude. Maude . Pig pig honey, dont you want to talk to us . She doesnt want to talk to us. Wait a minute. Shes getting up. Shes walking. Uhoh. Its her box of memorabilia. Its the Shirley Temple doll her mother gave her for her fifth birthday. . On the good ship lollipop . Maude . Where bonbons play . Maude . On the sunny beach at Peppermint Bay . Maude oh, walter, why did my mother force me to play with dolls . Why was i forced to wear curls and frilly dresses . Why was i brainwashed into thinking women could only be nurses, secretaries, and housewives . How could i possibly be a boss when all my life ive been trained what on earth happened down there . I hate myself i hate, hate, hate. Dont youll ruin your facelift oh. Two of the men started a fight because of me, and i couldnt stop them. Then i did absolutely the worst thing i couldve done. I behaved like the stereotype woman. I started to cry. Vivian oh. Oh, mother. So you lost control and you cried, so what. Some people blow their stack and other people cry. Theres nothing to be ashamed of. Bosses do not cry oh, mother walter if you were down where i am, with the pressures. Hold it now, you pipe down. Pardon, madam. Oh, please. Mrs. Naugatuck when i want your advice. I know. When you want my advice, youll ask for it. Right. Ill ask for it. Trying to act like a heman. Instead of having the confidence to act like a shewoman. Mrs. Naugatuck, this is please, im not finished. Nothing wrong with being feminine. I mean take mahatma gandhis daughter why she wears flowing silk gowns and yet she became the Prime Minister of india. And how did she start . Washing her fathers loincloth. So if you want my advice, madame, the next time youre unsure of yourself as a female, oh, whats the use . My husband doesnt understand. My daughter doesnt understand. My best friends dont understand. And i have a housekeeper nobody understands sobbing walter, youve got to go upstairs and convince her to go back down to the office. Its like when you fall off a horse, youve got to get back on again. Okay, ill try. If im not back down in five minutes, msmf. Ms for ms. Mf for my foot. Oh, maude. Oh, maude. Walter, walter, walter. Maude, you shouldnt feel so bad. Walter, it was the worst moment of my life ii couldnt cope. Sweetheart, you cant blame yourself for this. Walter, i let the company down. They were depending on me. Oh, walter, im so confused. Im a woman, and i dont want to act like a women. I dont want to act like a man, either. Now, now, now. Theres nothing wrong with being a woman. Sweetheart, you are the epitome of a marvelous, exciting, wonderful woman. I know that, wter. I want to be much more than that. No, youre much more than that. Much, much, much more. Oh, walter. Walter, help me. Help me. Help me find myself. Maude, you are beautiful. I know that, too. Tell me im intelligent. Tell me im capable competent. Do you really mean that . You have to have more faith in your own ability. Youve got to realize you can function as a woman in that place just like you function so sensationally as a woman everywhere else. Its true that when i first started working as a sales person, i did compete. Just be yourself. I was the Company Choice to be Office Manager, and if i can accomplish all that as a woman, then why should i be ashamed of acting like a woman. You shouldnt be ashamed. Never, never, never be ashamed. Oh, walter, if i only had the courage to go back. And you will go back. Right after lunch. Oh, walter, its special moments like this when iwhen i realize how much i need you. And vice versa, maude, vice versa. Oh, walter. Walter, youre giving me the lift i need. Im doing the best i can. Oh, walter, thanks to you, i think i can do it. I know i can do it. I will do it. And i promise ill never ever let sex stand in the way again. Those men were wrong, walter. Society is wrong. And its up to real women to change that. Maude, where are you going . Back to where i belong. Back to that office but, maude, i thought you and i. Walter, its t oclock in the morning and one for you. Thank you. And for you. Maude. And one for you. And, mother, pin a rose on me. And from now on, no more fights, no more tears. You have your assignments, gentlemen, get to work. Oh. Youre going to make your own coffee. Maude, i. Thats a terrific case. What does the ms stand for, Master Sergeant . She was a piano tuner who became the very first woman president of the united states. I believe it was in 1945. I remember voting for her, because when she first arrived at my house. Truce. Truce. Woody, about this morning. Im sorry. I was pressing. No hard feelings. I was a little upset myself, you understand. A guy gets passed over for a 9,000 a 9,000 a year job, he gets a little steamed. sobbing you know what i mean . Of course i do. Woody, yes, i do. I didnt want you to see me this way. Come on, woody. Woody, dont be embarrassed. If it had happened. Did you say 9,000 . Yeah. Im only getting 7,000. Naturally. Youre a woman. Im a woman. Company figures a dame doesnt need as much as a man. Inflation, and all of that. Youre different. You got a guy to support you. Listen, you two, you have exactly ten minutes to get him shaped up and back to work. And that goes for both of you also. dialing if im going to do a 9,000 a year job for 7,000, i am going to take the longest coffee break in history. Walter, where are you . Are you still upstairs . Good. You stay there. [sanford and son theme plays]
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