And Shelley Winters is mowing his lawn. [ laughter ] weird item. No, there was a, um, interesting thing from shelbyville, indiana in the paper today about apparently, at the Police Station there in the police locker, some mice got into the property room and started eating marijuana, which was stashed there for evidence. Now, the way they got wise, they went into the locker and one of the mice was swingin a cat around by the tail, singing i did it my way. So, anyway, tonight. [ cheers and applause ] tonight, weve got tonight on the show tonight on the show, mr. James garner, jeff cesario, and park overall. So, stay where you are and well be rrright back. You finally did itand it was actually easy. Who would have thought . You did what dad taught you to do you took care of business. You made up your mind. Got it done. And thats a load off your shoulders. Guaranteed acceptance Life Insurance simple, affordable coverage for people age 50 to 75. 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You did the right thing. The smart thing. And now, youre ready for almost anything. To learn more, contact massmutual now and ask about this important coverage. Call this number. Call now. [ music ] we are back. Thank you, doc. We have jim garner here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. We have jim garner here tonight, comedian jeff cesario, uh, park overall from, uh whats the name of that show that shes on . Empty nest, and, uh, Shorty Sullivan. Um, what, four more days thats it. Before the election . How many of you still consider yourselves undecided . [ applause ] okay. Well, in the New York Times today, they ran a piece on each candidate that listed, not the more important issues like, uh, foreign aid and the homeless and the budget and the Defense Department and all that. They asked them very simple questions. For example, dukakis said that he once had a crush on janet lee. The seduction of joe tynan. Remember that picture . Yes. Was that with, uh, alan alda . George bushs favorite actress of all time was greer garson, and he prefers horseshoes to opera. [ laughter ] the reason were doing this is maybe these will give you some of the little character qualities that you may want to vote for this man. Dukakis says he does a mean tango. Bush says hes a lousy dancer. Mm. Bush says he likes to listen to the oakridge boys. Dukakis prefers jazz. Yeah yeah. Bush says his favorite magazine is the fishing magazine bass master. [ laughter ] this is his what he said. Dukakis prefers to curl up with government reports and briefing papers. [ laughter ] yeah, bad sign. [ booing ] they said both candidates have little time for television, but dukakis says he watches the cosby show once in a while, and bush admits he used to like these are from the candidates own lips, folks. Read their lips. Um, now, the New York Times is a little stuffy, you know. We, uh, felt maybe we could get some other magazines that are a little more basic, get right down to. Earthy kinds of things. Whats happening. What . Whats happening. Thats right. We went down and picked up this months copy of politic boy. [ laughter ] its a mens magazine about the politicians, with a fold out, a centerfold. For example, heres, uh. Heres one on georgie this month. [ laughter ] and then it has, you know, it has the turn ons and turn offs like the playboy centerfold. It gives the birthdate, june 12th, 1924. Uh, measurements, a size 12 flag. [ laughter ] homestate, all of them. That ol fashioned fourth of july barbeque on december 7th. [ laughter ] [ applause ] um, favorite sport, pitching horseshoes. What i like most about america, its easier to spell then zimbabwe. [ laughter ] fantasy you wouldnt imagine this guy has fantasies. Seeing fidel castro recite e in the nude. [ laughter ] favorite way to make love they get very intimate here. With me on the right, was the answer. [ laughter ] uh, favorite joke, dan quayle. [ laughter ] heres a playboy on michael dukakis, where it says dukakis shows all. And you see, theres the centerfold for michael. And lets see what it says here. Birthdate, november 3rd, 1933. Uh, measurements, same as ken doll. [ laughter ] [ applause ] turn ons, taking only nine items through the ten item or less lane. [ laughter ] wildest fantasy, mixing rice crispies in with my corn flakes. [ laughter ] the answer was, what do you mean by that . [ laughter ] favorite book, the one im standing on. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hidden talents, plays trumpet, sang in college chorus, one time dancing partner of anthony quinn. [ laughter ] it was over the greek. [ laughter ] turn offs, restaurants that dont honor [ laughter ] favorite fantasy this is interesting. A grown man. Just before i climb into bed, i would put the left shoe tree in my right shoe, and the right shoe tree in the left shoe. [ laughter ] we all have we all have our little peccadillos, dont we. Heres one featuring lloyd benson. [ laughter ] boy, theres lloyd. [ laughter ] okay, lets see. Lets see. Birthdate, february 11th, 1921. Uh, measurements, 972727 when im wearing the big hat. [ laughter ] favorite saying, so who wants to win a stupid poll anyway . Favorite game show host, pat sajak, but pat sajak is no jack kennedy. To have massaged. My heart. [ laughter ] favorite fantasy, overhearing dukakis on the phone last july saying, hello, jessie, how would you like to be my running mate . [ laughter ] dan quayle. Lets see what [ laughing ] theres dan in, uh, politic boy. [ laughter ] birthdate, february 4th, 1947, illinois. No, thats the other i state. Indiana. Turn ons, shooting spitballs at bob dole then looking away. [ laughter ] favorite book, coloring. [ laughter ] early notable accomplishment, won first prize in for project showing electrical workings of a dim bulb. [ laughter ] two people i admire most, Fuzzy Zoeller and margaret thatcher. I dont understand that at all. Hidden talents did you know he does impressions of cagney, bogart, and a deer blinded by car headlights. [ laughter ] favorite favorite historical figure. What does historical cries a lot . [ laughter ] pet peeve, age limit on trick or treating. [ laughter ] the person id like most to meet, my dad. Im running a little short this week. You know, those are some of the things [ applause ] to the candidates. Politics is a silly business. It is. I dont know if that covers us. [ laughter ] it is, politics is sillier than what we do. Well take a break, well be right back with jimmy garner. [ music ] okay, we are back. My first guest [ cheers and applause ] if you dont, uh if yout he is one fine actor. Hes received both oscar and emmy nominations. Hes also a good friend. Would you welcome james garner . [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] the man is back. The man is back. I thought maybe youd just send pieces of ya over tonight. Havent ya . Oh, yeah. Theyve been drillin and cuttin. Theyve been doin, i guess occidental would probably take a lease on me. For those of you who might not have read about it, you were in for a variety of, uh, surgical procedures, and, uh yeah. You look marvelous. I went in for an aneurism of the aorta. Is that a restriction . You know what that is . No. Yeah, well, the aorta is the largest blood carrying vessel in the body, and they said, jim, youll never make it through the operation. Yeah. And so, they said, we gotta do a bypass, and they did a four way bypass on me. And two months later, then they went in and did the aneurism. And, uh, ill take four bypasses to one aneurism. Yeah . Yeah. So they just that was a mean dude. They had to replace things and whatever needed well, they looked at everything i had. [ laughter ] as a matter of fact, um, ii was in there, and the doctors take the stitches out, and my nurse, and they were talking and im trying to think about the stitches because theyre takin em out and im tryin to ignore it. And the doctors saying, you know, the kidney looked good and the gallbladder looks good and everything looked good, and im thinkin in my mind, you know, uh, that thethe test came back. Now, what he meant was, it looks good. Mmhmm, that looks good. He had em in his hands. [ laughter ] all my parts they had. My lungs, my heart, everything. You know, doctors are you know, you may be eligible to be legally declared a mattel toy. If they keep replacing all the parts in there. Well, they looked at everything i got, and anything they didnt like they replaced. Well, you look super, you look super. I must have another 4050,000 miles. [ laughter ] you, uh, you said you went out and played golf the other day, hes an excellent golfer, and shot a 74. Yeah. Well, you cant feel [ cheering and applause ] yeah, youre back, youre back. I really felt good about that you know, after all that messin around they been doin, that i wouldnt really ever get back to where i was before, but i think im gonna make it now. I would i would think so. Uh, we talked just a couple of moments before the show. You were amazed, and i dont know why you shouldve been, of the amount of mail and stuff that you got while you were in the hospital. It was just it was really very touching and just overwhelming. Ii couldnt believe it. I mean, there was so many flowers, books, and cards. Somewhere between nine and ten thousand cards. Thats nice. And it really got to me. Uh, and one of the reasons i wanted to come on, i you cant answer all of them. I think we answered, uh, about 3,5004,000 of em that i answered. I cant answer all of em and i wanted to here. I wanted to say thank ya to everyone that did. It kinda gets to ya. Yeah, thats nice, though, to know theyre out there. You said brando came by to say hello. Yeah, they wouldnt let him in. Not because they and taken a kind of overview of where youre goin and where you been and, uh yeah, a lot of things that you thought meant a lot dont really register that much anymore. When you get right down to it, your health is the most important thing. Then you find that your friends are the next most important, and family. And thats you know, you do sort out your priorities pretty good. You wrote a book along that. Were gonna take a break first because norman cousin, i think, was the one who wrote the book about was it the anatomy of an illness . And said that humor played a great part in his recovery. He watched, i think, uh, and he tried to do a study on it showing the people who read funny things or watched funny movies seemed to have a faster it was a positive influence on recovery was laughter. You came in with a book thats kind of funny and full of quotes called the old curmudgeon, is that it . The portable curmudgeon. The portable curmudgeon. Curmudgeon will be what, describes what . An old cantankerous type of, uh ill read it to ya. Uhuh, can we take a break . Do a commercial first . Okay, go head. These are just quotes from its your show. [ laughter ] you can do whatever you want, john. Yeah. Priorities, prio stay where you are. Sure, do whatever you want. [ music ] [ cheering ] what a note oh. What a note. Thats in case anybody falls asleep at home, doc hits that last note, its like the alarm went off. Okay, this is called the, uh, ancient no, the portable curmudgeon. What a curmudgeon is. Yeah. Uh, theres an archaic, uh, definition and a modern definition. The archaic is a crusty, ill tempered, churlish old man, which i think i qualify for, and the modern version is anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense, and has the temerity to say so. Anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. You said you had some on politics and politicians . Yeah, ive got some from a young lady by the name of donna ismond, who works for prudential banks here in los angeles, and also, dick martin and, uh, bob newhart sent me one of em. Im a little upset they couldnt of, you know, they had to chip in. Yeah, well, you know. Times are tough, jim. Yeah, but anyway, i read this in the hospital, and i almost split and when i got out i called thisthis author, john whitaker, and ii foundfound his telephone number in the book and i called him and i said, john, this is james garner, and i said, im an actor. And he said, yes, i know. He said, how are you . And id been out of the hospital only about ten days, and i said, im fine. I just wanted to tell you any curmudgeon worth his salt wouldnt have a listed phone number. [ laughter ] but, uh, its got everything in it that you could possibly want. Anything. Every subject. Everything in this book. Anything in this book. Uh, like politicians. H. L. Mencken once said, a good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. [ laughter ] uh, let me see. Who was that . Charles de gaulle said, in order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. Not bad. Well, they get they are a politician is a person with whose politics you dont agree. If you agree with him, hes a statesman. [ laughter ] oscar levant said cynically of a politician once, he said, hell double cross that bridge when he comes to it. [ laughter ] ah, thats oscar lavance. [ applause ] oh, we got a lot of these. Uh, i could just let me see here. Yeah, and John Kenneth Galbraith in politics as a short memory. It is dangerous for a National Candidate to say things that people might remember. [ laughter ] Eugene Mccarthy said that. True, true. Too true. Um, hmm. I was reading this afternoon, some of em on marriage. I dont know why, uh [ laughter ] i cant imagine why. Well, yeah, there is marriage. You have marriage in there . It starts there. Uh, marriage, marriage, marriage. Yeah, you gotta you gotta sort em out. Uh, oscar levant, again, marriage is a triumph of habit over hate. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] oh, here. H. L. Mencken again. He was he was crusty. Mencken no man examining his marriage intelligently that it is compounded, at least in part, of slavery, and that he is the slave. [ laughter ] j. B. Priestley said, marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes. [ laughter ] George Bernard shaw said, marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with a maximum of opportunity. I see. Watch it, theres a couple in there yeah, you have to be very careful. [ laughter ] does it go to husbands and wives . Hmm. Karl kraus says, since the law prohibits the keeping of wild animals, and i get no enjoyment from pets, i prefer to remain unmarried. [ laughter ] [ applause ] wow. Theres a whole section on kraus. Okay, let me ask you another question. All right. Um, this is about you again. I hate to dwell on your, uh. Why not, im here . Stay in the hospital. Yeah, youre here. Obviously, i would guess because of a thing like an aneurism, and bypass surgery, you changed your diet a little bit. Im only guessing. Youre right. Now, before this happened, if you went to a restaurant, what would be your ideal thing that you would order . Well, for breakfast it was sausage, biscuits, and gravy. Thats out. No sausage, biscuits, and gravy . Well, i can have the biscuits and gravy. I found out how to do that, i had a you know, people used to you used to go in and people say, whats your sign . Now its, whats your cholesterol count . [ laughter ] but my cholesterol i brought down from 277 to 159, which is [ applause ] so, you just change your style of living . By changing my diet, by exercise, and, uh, well, just, you know, not eating theres you can eat proper foods. See, when i got out of the hospital, or when i was in the hospital, the food, i mean, were talkin cardboard here. Uh, it was just awful, and i said, i dont think im gonna be able to manage this. I thought, i just will never eat again. And i was living on cereal. But since then ive found a young lady, robyn has come to my house, shes a chef, ive been the guinea pig, to cook some wonderful, wonderful foods. Theres things out there that you can eat, cause you get tired of those pritikin diets i dont wanna knock pritikin. I mean, its good, but about two weeks. Yeah, you might as well go out and graze on the lawn for a while. [ laughter ] it would be preferable, yeah. No, ive had to change a lot of things. Well, its worked for ya because you look great. Well, thanks, john. Feelin good. Well do this. Well be right back. Stay where you are. [ music ] okay. [ cheers and applause ] my next guest my next guest is a funny young comedian. Jeffs gonna be appearing at carolines in new york city, november the 10th through the 13th, and at the comedy gallery in minneapolis, december the 14th through the 18th. Would you welcome jeff cesario . Jeff . [ cheers and applause ] thanks very much, good to see ya. My name is jeff cesario, im, uh, italian. [ applause ] im proud of it, of course. Italy, the only country to switch sides in the middle of both world wars. Yeah. [ laughter ] i am still workin on this election. Im trying to figure out who im gonna vote for. I dont you know, democracy is a privilege, but lets be honest, this year we shoult okay, this is unbelievable. [ cheering ] you know, i think i watched both debates, ive been reading. I figured out the difference between the candidates. Here it is. Michael dukakis looks at half a glass of water, he thinks its half empty. George bush looks at it, he thinks, who the hell drank half of my water . [ laughter ] [ applause ] thanks. I think like that though. I might have too much common sense, im not sure. Even like horror movies, most people are scared, they walk out of a horror movie scared. Im never scared. I walk out of a horror movie thinkin, next time dont dawdle in the shower. [ laughter ] it takes real things to scare me. You ever been drivin late at night, you start to fall asleep at the wheel . That now, that to me is frightening. You try to wake up, you drink coffee, you chew gum, but nothin works. The only things thats really gonna wake you up when youre drivin tired is a near fatal accident. [ laughter ] its true. I dont care how drowsy you are, yokn off on a bridge abutment goin 60, you are awake. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] its true, anything real will scare you. Even tiny things if theyre real. Spiders spiders scare me. Middle of the night, you get up, go into your bathroom, hit the light switch, theres a spider on the wall. Thatthat scares me because other insects run from light. Not spiders. They freeze right where they are. I dont know what the hell is goin through their mind. Eight hairy legs, a dark brown body i can blend into this white tile. [ laughter ] [ whistling ] [ applause ] hey, hows she gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] each of us have our own i think that we each have our owtt actually afraid of going bald. I think thats stupid. I think bald guys look great. They look manly, they look virile. I dont know what theyre afraid of. A guy with a toupee is worried about what i think about his head. I have never looked at a bald guy and thought to myself, pfft, what kind of a man lets his own hair fall out . [ laughter ] you know what mine is, my little fear . Choking. I dont like to thats why i always take my time when i eat. Other people eat so fast. Thats not fast enough, now weve got the drive through window at the fast food restaurant. Thats not fast enough. I think ideally what we want is to be able to drive through at top speed with our car windows down, that pimply faced kid just throws food right in your mouth. Its amazing. We want food that will finish cooking in our esophagus. [ laughter ] its true. [ cheers and applause ] have you seen that we have a new microwave cake, right . It bakes up, frosting and all, four minutes. Why . If it ever gets to that point, just look the other person in the eye and say, hey, listen, im sorry, i forgot your birthday. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we dont eat for taste anymore. We eat for speed. Sometimes we will eat out of frustration. Youve eaten on an airplane . Thats the worst food possible, but youll eat it cause youre frustrated. Youre strapped into that chair, youve got nothin to do, the movie stinks, youre uncomfortable from that nozzle draft thing over your head. What the hell is that, some sort of pneumonia valve up there . I dont think my necks gonna get stiff enough just sittin here for four and a half hours. I need a nice cold draft on it. Yeah, thats much better. [ laughter ] [ cheering and applause ] its true. So, youre frustd, and then when the airplane gets in trouble, what drops from the bulkhead . Oxygen masks. Thats apparently so we can stay alive until the exact second we plow into a cornfield. You know, theyre not thinking. [ cheers and applause ] thanks. You know, if they would just use common sense. You know what should drop from the bulkhead . A decent meal, for pete sake. Screamin, ah ah ah, filet mignon. [ laughter ] [ cheering and applause ] [ music ] okay, now, this next young lady. [ cheers and applause ] this next [ applause ] with an unusual name, but its her real name, however, and shes a regular on nbcs new series called, empty nest. Its on saturday nights at 9 30. Would you say hello to park overall . [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] hello, park. Thank you for havin me. Well, thank you for bein here. I suppose you get tired park, park. Yes, its been a cross to bear, ill tell you that. Children were very cruel with me. Yeah. Yeah. But i sorta like it now. Do yall like it . [ applause ] park, it sounds like a housing development. Well, people where do you live . I live at park overall. A casting director once said to me, i said, thats the truth. He said, of course it is, whod bother to make it up . Yeah, and you are obviously not from vermont. [ laughter ] i just picked up on that. You didnt have that vermont, uh where about in the south are you from . Im from east tennessee. A little town. Oh, thank you. Yeah, go vols, yes. Thats right, tennessee volunteers, right . Yes, sir. You were born there and raised there . Yes, sir, i was. You dont have to say sir to me. I mean, it makes me sound it makes me sound very elderly. If i knew you better i wouldnt, but itll take me a little while. Yeah. Is that the southern upbringing . Yes. You know about that, dont ya . Be polite to your elders and say maam, and yes, sir . Yes, sir, and certainly say [ cheers and applause ] ill be dog gone. [ laughter ] i was telling the i love the southern accent, i was tellin you before the show while you were in makeup that i went from nebraska in 1943, to mississippi, jackson, mississippi. I was stationed there for awhile, and i thought i had gone to mars. I mean, it took me weeks to get onto the rhythm and the inflection, and after about six months there, i went home anu id go home, and id say, hi mom, hi dad. How yall . Its contagious. Yeah. People at work start talkin when you see when you see actresses that are not from the south portraying a role where theyre supposed to be from the south, is that thats why im an actress. I told my daddy, im so sick of these yankee girls doin us wrong. I said, i cant stand it, i gotta go try. Yeah . Yeah. Did anybody ever tell you when you came out to hollywood that youve gotta lose the accent or anything . Everybody. Why . Why would they do that . Well, see, first i went to new york. In new york at all . Oh, new york. I just id been there four and a half years, and i had just learned to be rude, and i was gettin into it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i was. And then i got this job and i had to move out here, and suddenly i had to be sweet again. Im so schized out about it. You were just pickin up on new york . Yeah. How do you like los angeles . Do you find it im lovin it, ill tell you that. Now, what is this marine layer, and what is this santa ana winds business . Well, this is difficult they are saying. You see, los angeles is surrounded by mountains and its kind of a basin, and you get a temperature inversion, and it traps and then the air cant get out. It makes me crazy. I know it does, yeah. Yeah, and the scenery and everything, and people are so sweet. Now, see, bein southern, all i require is a little decorum up front. You know, thats all i require. You can stab me in the back later, i just dont wanna see it comin. You know . [ laughter ] do you think the folks back home would be surprised at what youre doing now . Oh, yeah. Yeah . Yeah, what i like to do was drink me a little beer and shoot a little pool. Thats what i love to do. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, thats what i like, and i did that for many years. I raised cows and did that, and i enjoyed it very much. And i studied those people, and i love my mountain people, and i want to represent them properly. So, thats why. Are you enjoying the show . Yeah, what a treat. I mean, tv, huh . Yeah. Yeah. Do you get to go back home at all . Do they treat you differently now . Any different since youve been on television . Oh well, no, they dont treat me differently. They treat me you know, everybodys so excited. Its a very small town, you know, and im so proud of it. Whats the name of your town, by the way . Greeneville. Greeneville. The only greeneville with an extra e. [ laughter ] well, ill change my postage meter at home immediately, cause i going there and i had it wrong all these years. How big is im not makin fun of small towns, im from a small town, originally, of about 1,200 people. Now, how big is greenville . I dont know. I am so bad at math that ive been sayin 30,000 people and people say, oh, thats big. And i say, oh, maybe its 15. Thats a big city. I forget how big it is. It only has one high school and four in the county, thats how big it is. Well, its gonna be less than 30,000 people. Okay. Sure. [ laughter ] well, when youre in high school, were you in or did ya do any of that kind of stuff . Oh, no, sir. Why not . I dont know. [ laughter ] no decorum. No, they wanted me to be a debutante, and i said no to that too. It just wasnt my bag. You sound like a country girl. Yes, sir. Yeah, somebody told me you had some unusual pets. True . Oh, yes, sir. What do you have . Were an animal lovin family. [ laughter ] i feel like judge carson sitting here. Yes, your honor, i do declare. Well, my dear. [ laughter ] okay, thats all. Go on, itsitsits very nice. Uh, anyway, what do you have . Unusual dogs, or what . Well, no, an unusual crow that we raised from a little baby, and it talks, parky, parky, parky, hello, it says. Yes, it does. And i had this, um i raised cows, and i started off raisin this one on a bucket because it was a twin, wouldnt take it. So, it was a midget, and when her baby was born, the farmer called me up and said, come over and get ya a shoebox and come over and get this calf, cause it was born on his property because she was always gettin out because she was a pet, and she lived on my porch. But in order to get a cow back from down the road, a banana. They love bananas, little known fact about cows. They will follow a banana anywhere. Are you sure this wasnt a chimpanzee . No, they love the peel and all. So, you went down and enticed her home with a banana . Yeah, once theyre a pet its hard to keep them in. Yeah. Well, now you live out here, obviously you dont have your cow here. Just my cat. Just a cat . Just a cat. What happened to the crow . Its in tennessee bein taken care of properly until i can have an actual home. How do you properly take care of a crow . Well, we made him a big cage and give a lot of attention and a lot of food and talk to him a lot. See, we cant let him loose because we tried to let him go and he lands on the dogs and the cats. He wants to ri so, for his own good we had to keep him in. All right, well be back. Stay where you are. [ music ] how much time do we have here . [ applause ] we got a minute or so here . Half a minute. Okay. Uh, Shorty Sullivan was supposed to be with us. We ran long tonight. Our apologies to him. Were on the air, arent we . Yes, sir, we are. I thought you were doing an impression there. [ laughter ] would you come back and do this again . Youre charming. Oh, id be so honored. Thank you. Sir. Sir. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and this is Johnny Roy Bob saying we hope oh, no. Jim, thanks for bein here. Im glad to see ya up and around. Ah, thank you. Thank you. Good night. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] . Come and knock on our door . . Come and knock on our door . . Weve been waitin for you . . Weve been waitin for you . . Where the kisses are hers and hers and his . . Threes company, too . . Come and dance on our floor . . Come and dance on our floor . . Take a step that is new . . Take a step that is new . . Weve a lovable space that needs your face . . Threes company, too . . Down at our rendezvous . . Down at our rendezvous . I have arranged for you to make dinner for the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. What do you say to that . No, larry, i cant. For a second there, i thought you said no. You lost me, jack. Look, for the last three nights i have had three Different Girls up here. Three girls in three nights . Youll be dead before janet and chrissy can kill you. Ive used every excuse in the book to get them out of this apartment. Ive been manipulative, deceitful and underhanded. Jack, im proud of you. Larry, im serious. Ive got to make it up to them. I even canceled my date with Doreen Maxwell tonight. You said no to the girl who cant say no . Thats right. Lled and i canceled the date. Look, i promised janet and chrissy a special dinner and im going to keep that promise. And you should. They can have dinner tomorrow night. You can have dessert tonight. I cant. Oh, come on, jack, youve got to. Shes my bosss niece if she doesnt have a nice time it will really upset me. Gee, larry, i never knew you were so sensitive. Oh, yeah. The last time i got fired, it upset me for weeks. Woman hello. Larry. Shes french. Hold on one second for jack. Wait a minute. No, larry. Chrissy and janet. Hello. Hello, jacques. Oui. She is french. I mean, yes, this is jacques. Jerk, jerk. Jack, jack, jack. We are getting together tonight, yes . Well, actually, see. Oh, i am looking forward to it so much. Larry said you would get me excited. He what . What . I get so excited about a good meal. In my country, a great chef is the second best thing you can be. Whats the first . A great lover, of course. giggling of course. How soon can you get up here . Right away. Au revoir. Au revoirrrr what a voice what a laugh. What have i done . I promised janet and. Dont worry, jack. You wont regret this. Ive never met her. Wait, larry, larry. with french accent thank heaven for little girls. whistling French National anthem hi, larry. Wait, wait. Say, girls, excuse me. I have a Little Something id like to ask you. Yeah, what . Yes, jack . Uh. How was your day . Fine, thanks. You wouldnt have believed mine. I am lucky to still have a job, jack. Yeah . Yes. And i ended up sending this giant rest in peace flower bouquet to a honeymoon suite. I guess that could be a little inappropriate. Not as inappropriate as sending good luck in your new life to a funeral. Janet, i can see how after a day like that you wouldnt be in the mood for a heavy dinner. Are you kidding . Jack, the only thing that got me through this afternoon with my two best friends. I had a terrific day. Yeah . Did you . I ran into steve and cathy. They had extra tickets for the eagles concert tonight. They asked if janet and i wanted to go. Chrissy, thats fantastic. You better hurry up and get ready. For what . The eagles concert. Im not going. You turned down the tickets . Jack, i can see the eagles anytime. Ive been looking forward to this dinner all day. Chrissy, forget about dinner. I mean, think of janet. Look at that face. Look at how disappointed she is. No, its not disappointment, jack. Its hunger. Whats for dinner . Boy, i dont know. It sure smells good. Chrissy, i havent started cooking anything yet. You better get started so you can catch up with the smell. In the meantime, im going to freshen up. Yeah, me, too. Jack. Denise, denise, denise. Den. What am i doing . doorbell ringing jacques . Denise . Oui. Wow no. What . Excuse me. Youyou cant have dinner here tonight. No, im sorry. See, there was. sobs what are you doing . Youre not. Dont. Dont cry, please. Hey, hey, hey, dont cry. You dont like me. Oh, thats not true yes, it is. It was a mistake, this. This bald date. No, thats blind date. Please, please, dont cry. Did you think we werent going to have dinner together . Its what you said. No, no. I said that we werent going to have dinner here tonight. cause see, mymy roommates sick. Oh, well, then where are we having dinner . Uh. Uh. How about upstairs in larrys apartment . Now you take this. Its number 304. You just take this key and go upstairs okay. Fix yourself a drink and ill get dinner ready. Okay. Oh, jacques, you must think i am just a big baby, huh . imitating baby no. Jack, who were you talking to out there . Oh, that was larry. Hes just come down with the asian flu. I sent him straight up to bed. Really . We saw him a few minutes ago. He looked just fine. On the outside, yeah but on the inside, hes a raging epidemic. Ill go, uh, put the chops on. What can we do . Uh, open the wine. Chrissy okay. Food, more food. Hamburgers. Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers. Can i help . No, no, no. Well, in that case maybe ill just take a tray up to larry. No, i already thought of that, janet and ive prepared a tray of hors doeuvres myself. Im going to take these up. Egg roll . Yeah, i told you he has the asian flu. Jack try one. Jack, does red wine go with lamb chops red wine taste better but whites what youre supposed to have or is it the other way around, or both . Yes. Thats what i thought. Denise. I was just looking at larrys pictures. Hes quite a ladies man, no . Well, i have given him a few pointers. I cant stand playboys. As i said, ive tried to straighten him out. The kind of guy who could only be with one woman at a time. Hhhow can you tell that . By looking in your face. You have such honest eyes. Hors doeuvre . Yeah, thank you. Hey, where are you going . Ill be right back. french accent i have to go see about dinner. Janet, i was just thinking yeah. What a nice guy. He stays home friday night to cook dinner for us then goes upstairs to take care of his best friend. Hi. What . What . What was that for . Just for being you. Listen, you sit down and relax. Chrissy and i will take care of setting the table. Yeah. Jack, youre really something. Oh, chrissy. So far so good. doorbell ringing denise no oh, doreen, for a moment i thought. Doreen, what are you doing here . Im here for dinner, jack. Well, i have a roommate and he happens to be very, very sick uh, uh, congested chest. Jack, im a nurse. Have you forgotten . Look, theres a drugstore five minutes from here. Let me go and pick up some menthol oil. No, no, you dont have to do that. No hurry. After im done taking care of your roommate well, then ill have all night just to take care of. You. Mm. Can i speak to you for just a sec, doreen . Mr. Furley. grunts there. That ought to hold it. doorbell chimes just a minute. doorbell chimes hold your horse jack, im very busy. I know how busy you are making women fall in love with you. I told you, im very. What. What women . Chrissy and janet. You made them fall in love with you. I dont remember doing that. Come on, mr. Furley. Dont act innocent with me. Youve seen it before the heart of an impressionable young woman turned on by a mature and successful man at the height of his virility. Bubut thats ridiculous. I mean, im old. Old enough to be their ff. Older brother. They are upstairs right now pining away. Theyve stopped seeing younger men. Its that classic maydecember romance. Now, wait a minute. Im not a day over october. Youre taking this lightly. No, im not. Maybe id better go and talk to them before they throw their lives away. Good idea. The phone is quicker. Use the phone. Hurry up. Not a second to lose. Jack hello. Oh, hi, mr. Furley. You want us to come down to your apartment right now . Yeah, but were just about to have dinner. Hey. Where were you . I was worried about larry. Oh, jack, youre just too much. Who was that, chrissy . That was mr. Furley. He wants us to come down to his apartment right away. He sounded so strange. He is strange. Ah, yes, but this is different. What do you mean different . Ive spoken too soon. Maybe i shouldnt say anything. No, tell us. Okay, okay, okay. Mr. Furley is extremely depressed. Why . Well, its his 50th birthday and hes in his apartment feeling all alone, unloved, unwanted. Oh, thats terrible. Yeah. We should do something. Like taking our dinner downstairs and sort of surprising him . Yeah. Something like that. How about that one . What one . Taking our dinner downstairs. Oh, thats a good idea. Yeah. Why dont you take this, chrissy and janet, you take this and ill bring the rest of the dinner down. Thatll give us a chance to cheer him up. Yeah, but dont mention anything about his birthday. I dont want him to think thats the only reason youre down there. Right. Boy, jack, good thinking. Great. Good. screams no time for the pain. Food, food. More food, more food. Chrissy. Hi. Janet. Hi, mr. Furley. Whats that . We thought wed have dinner with you. Yeah. We thought since you never invite us it would be a good idea if we just made the first move. Chrissy yeah. Thats it . Nope. We thought after dinner we could all have some fun together. What . oh. Oh, jack, mmm. It smells great. Actually, this is for my upstairs neighbor larry. He has the flu. Wow, it must be catching. Why dont you run along upstairs . Ill just check on your roommate. No, no, no, no let me do that. Oh, would you believe it . Hes sleeping like a baby. Listen, doreen have a little wine and ill be right back. But im giving you just two minutes. Then im coming up there to get you. Oh, i wouldnt do that. A minute 59, a minute 58. A minute 57. Jacques a minute 52. What . Hold this. 53. Set for a little dindin. Here we go. panting jacques. Lets not waste this magic moment with words. Lets eat. Wheres your plate . Hmm . Uhuh. I thought. It would be more romantic if we both ate out of the same dish. Mmm. Jacques, dont you want to say anything . Oh, yeah, right. Dear lord, thank you for what were about to eat. Amen. Dont you want to know who i am . Where i come from . What i dream of . No. What . jacques, why are you acting this way . Silly me. I forgot the broccoli, ha ill be right back. Here. Bon appetit. And thats why old is old and young is young are you following any of what im saying . You are so handsome for a man your age. Well, i know, but thats beside the point. whispering why, when jack said he was feeling unloved and unwanted he wasnt kidding. Look, i dont need any complications in my life and neither do you. Mr. Furley. Mr. Furley, come on. It is not complicated. It is very simple. Yeah. We love you. We want to make you happy. Now, wait a minute very happy. Stay away from me i dont want to be happy. Mr. Furley. Mr. Furley. Ill scream. Where are you going now . Ill take this up to larry. Again . Well, you know, starve a fever, stuff a cold. Come on, mr. Furley. Youre very tense. Just sit down, relax. But you dont understand. Oh, wait let me try. Close your eyes. Dinner is served jack, am i glad youre here. You werent just whistling dixie. These two girls are crazy about me. Well, after all, theyre only human. Mr. Furley, why dont you sit there . Chrissy, janet, sit next to mr. Furley. No, no, no you girls sit over there. Jack, you sit next to me. Id love to, but. Sit hey, what is this . I thought we were having lamb. We are. snorts as a matter of fact, yes. Hey, theyre good. Theres an interesting thing about lamburgers either theyre very, very good or very, very baaaad. Get it . Lamb bah, baaah. Im going to go get some dessert. Forget the desert. You stay here until after dinner right next to my side. Well, if you insist. You mind if i just take a little nibble off of yours, mister . Mmm. Isnt this just to die for . Let me get that for you. Ill wipe my own mouth, thank you i was only trying to help. I thought you were going to get dessert. Im going now. So, there you are, jack. Are we or are we not going to have dinner tonight . panting dinner. Coming. Now. panting jack, you know if a poet expresses his feelings through words oh, i cant wait to see a chef like you expresses his. Hot dogs . Excuse me. with feminine voice hello. in own voice oh, hi. No, dont come up. Ill come down. I mean, ill come. Hang on. Jack, whats going on . Its larry up. Again . Yeah. Hes feverish. He wants broccoli. Mr. Furley. Mr. Furley hey, are you trying to hide from us . Please come out. Im not setting one foot out there until jack comes back. Might have gone up to check on larry again. Maybe we should, too. Chrissy, arent you worried about exposing yourself to his germs . Hey, if i care about somebody i dont mind exposing myself. Mr. Furley okay, if you wont come out then were going to go see larry. Yeah. Good. Give me a call San Francisco . Yeah. Thats where larry went for the weekend. Boy, that was good. grunts im ready for dessert. How about you . Well. The chockin moose pie. Chockin moose. . Uhhuh. The choc. The chocolate mousse pie ill be back in a flash. Okay. Jack jack, we want to talk to you. Who are you . Who are we . Who are you . Yeah. Ill be back in a second, doreen, chrissy, janet. Good. Youre all here. I was just about to explain. Uh, you see, doreen uh, this is janet, and this is. Chrissy. Chrissy. But i also promised you dinner and i tried to call you. She didnt get my message. Didnt i try to call you . Well, you said. I had to make dinner for her but i also wanted to make dinner for you. I made dinner for her and you. So you see, i went to all this trouble to make dinner for you three girls. Jacques . Heres where the explanation becomes a little more complicated. Was larry mymy friend larry. I dont know if you know larry or not. Larry, um. Larry asked me to do a favor for him. I wanted to do a favor for larry and, uh. Actually, larry asked me if i. [captioned by the Caption Center wgbh educational foundation] i think poor little oscars gone. Popsie whos a pretty boy. He never said that when he was alive, hes certainly not going to say it now. I hear him ticking helen. Thats your watch. Youre right, hes gone. Who am i going to talk to, whos going to greet me when i come home . Ill be here. Its not the same. I mean he really liked me. Oh, come on stanley, its not the end of the world. Try telling oscar that. Well anyway, you have your memories of him. Good memories too. Remember that time your sister ethel came over and he made a poopsie in her hat . Remember that time he flew up your dress . I remember. Ill have to find something to bury him in. The kitchen. Cereal box have you no respect . Besides, i i want to use the box tops to enter a contest, ive gotta find something better. How about your jewelry box . Oh no you dont, what would i keep all my oh well ill keep all my hairpins in something else. Ill dig a little hole in the garden. Oh why dont you go next door and borrow a shovel . Helen im in mourning. Jeffrey . What . Im not sure that i should donate this dress to the rummage sale. Why . Wasnt this the dress i was wearing when you proposed to me . You werent wearing a dress when i proposed to you. Oh yeah why not . Oh. [doorbell ringing] why dont you sit on the chair david, where daddy can see you or better yet, go out back and play. Well good morning mrs. Roper, come on in. Good morning oh oh good morning i i was wondering if i could borrow a shovel, its for stanley. Id hoped you were returning the hedge clippers stanley borrowed last year. Jeffrey. Ill get the shovel. Doing some gardening . In a way, hes planting his bird. Oscar, what happened to him . He died during the night. Oh oh dear. Oh thank you mr. Brooks. You know, i think it mustve been his heart, i found him this morning, legs in the air, stiff simple burial. Is there anything we can do . Oh no, were just going to dig a little hole at the end of the garden and drop him in. Well i hope the neighbors cat doesnt dig him up. Mr. Roper . No oscar, our parakeet. Bird , i mean. Helen, would you like some coffee . Oh well, if youre not too busy. Oh no, i was just sorting out some old clothes for the rummage sale. Rummage sale . To raise money for our church. Do you have any old clothes . Holding a flower . Its a nice touch. Well, youd better get your funeral over with because were going to st. Filberts church, theyre having a rummage sale. Dont you have enough clothes already . Very funny. We have to find something to donate, i volure dont give me any trouble stanley, this is a chance to join st. Filberts congregation why would we want to do that . To meet the right people ann says that they have very interesting social activities. Activities . Oh, i forgot, you wouldnt know the meaning of that word. Dont worry stanley, all you have to do is find a few things to give to the rummage sale. Some junk we would throw out anyways. That describes everything we own. I dont like the whole idea. What have you got against the church . Dont you remember, thats where we got married. Look, dont talk that way when reverend harper arrives. Hes coming here . To pick up our donations oh good, maybe ill ask him to say a few words over oscar. You will not now, let me think what else do i have that i dont need anymore . Oh hold it, the bodys not even cold and youre selling his house more coffee reverend . Oh thank you. And another thing, things have gotten completely out of hand. Everywhere you look, smut smut smut smutty magazines and drugstores smutty drugstores . No, no their magazines, especially that new drugstore right down the street. They practically thrust their filthy magazines right under your nose. Really, i hadnt noticed. Oh well, theyre on the top shelf, behind the auto magazines. You have to stand on tiptoe to not that i would. Well i would shelves to keep them from the eyes of the innocents, but, the way the law has tied our hands, theres not much we can do about it. We can, we can we can stamp it out thats true, they havent tied your feet yet. Thats right how about this old jacket . Old is right, just put it aside jenny and ill throw it oh, its so nice of you to help out. Oh, i dont mind, after all its for a good cause. Yeah. Oh you found my favorite jacket, i was wondering where it was. You giving away that dress . Stanley, that dress is 10 years old. But you never wore it. I know its a party dress. Hope nobody finds out who donated it. Is that why you put your name on the box . Oh yeah, jenny did that. [doorbell ringing] yeah, if youre going to give something to charity, i think theyd like to know where its coming from. Mrs. Roper. Oh yes, you must be reverend harper. Mrs. Brooks said you might have something for us. Yes, well a lot of it has been around for years and may not be very useful this is my reverend harper. How do you do, and so youre friends of mr. And mrs. Brooks . Yes. No. Mr. Brooks is a fine man, hes a leader in the fight against moral decay, a man who always tries to be closer to god. I guess thats why hes always got his nose up in the air. Well i want to thank you for your generosity. As i was telling helen, nothings too good for the church. Would you care for a cup of tea, reverend . No thank you, i cant stay, i have several more stops to make. With all the rich people in your congregation, you must make out like a bandit. Stanley no offense, padre. Yes yes yes , is this it . Oh, you dont have to lift that. Oh, well i dont want to put you through any bother. No, its no bother, its no bother jenny, you want to give helen a hand with that stuff . Ask you something well im a bit busy. Its a religious question. Oh certainly, my son. Do birds go to heaven . Birds . Yeah, well hed be right at home there, hes got the wings and all. Im not certain theres a definitive statement concerning birds in heaven. Well, if he doesnt go to heaven, id like him to have a nice burial anyway you know, with flowers somebody saying a few s something of a problem mr. Roper dont worry about it, listen, next time you bury somebody, just slip him in. Stanley youre not ready ready for what . Were going to the rummage sale. What for . To help out. Havent you helped enough already, giving away all our good stuff . I only gave away stuff we dont need anymore like oh, gardening magazines, some old clothes gardening magazines . Jenny found them in the storeroom, there mustve been dozens of them. Wait a minute, the ones in the Cardboard Box . Yeah. Oh no well, i hope you dont mind. Mind mind mind i think he minds. Why, they were just a bunch of old gardening magazines. Yeah, i had no idea you we in the storeroom . Thats what id like to know, you never do any gardening. They werent all gardening magazines, just the ones on top. Oh what was underneath . Underneath were were art magazines. Art, what kind of art . It was just art art you told me you threw out all those girly magazines yeah i was going to but but but but but but you didnt, now magazines. Oh, i could scream. Me too, it was a very valuable collection. Maybe we can get them back. No, if they ever found out that we donated them, theyd never let us join. Theyre going to find out helen jenny put your name on jeffrey . What . How much do you think i should ask for these hedge clippers . I dont know, let me see id minute, these are mine are you sure . Of course im sure, i loaned them to roper and he gives them to the rummage sale. Since their yours, ill let you have them for two dollars. Oh daddy, can i have this comic book . Well david, you know i dont approve of your reading comic books. You read them. Only if theyre educational. Please dad, this is shark man. Oh, shark man, let me see. Oh a giant clam swallows a submarine thats educational. Ill tell you what david, ill let you have them for a dollar. Can i have a dollar . Sure. Wait a minute, what have you done to earn a dollar . I helped you sell these comic books. Well, were just about ready for business as soon as old mrs. Wilson finishes setting up. Oh garden and home, thats one of my little hobbies. Oh really . Yes. You know, i do a little bit oh what is it . Yikes its nothing its nothing i was just just amazed amazed at the wonderful turnout here today. Hello, hello but theres nobody here yet. I know that, im just practicing. Hello, hello. Grow that large. What . Sunflowers. Oh sunflowers. Well reverend, i i ill tell you what ill do, im im im im gonna put this im im gonna put this gonna set this little copy aside for you right now. Can i see one daddy . Wilson is. Are there any more . Oh no no no i see i think its time to open up the front doors now reverend oh, okay. I wonder what happened to helen, she was supposed to be helping out. Probably ashamed to show her face. Why . Never mind. Hi mommy. Hi david, you having fun . Daddy told me to go see how old mrs. Wilson is, she says shes 72 if its any of your business. Shes 72. Smile, stanley smile, dont let anybody see that somethings wrong. Forget it, you can stop smiling. Take off that horrible jacket, straighten up your shoulders and dont wander off. Do you mind if i breathe . Yes i want you to go find those magazines and sneak them snooping around. Oh, stop blaming jenny, she feels bad enough already. Well she ought to, you know how long it took me to collect that that that that that that smut oh i dont know how you could buy such trash, its cheap, cheap, cheap. You sounded just like oscar. Oh, mrs. Roper, i was just browsing through your magazines you were . Of the same interests. We do . Youd be surprised at some of the things ive done behind the church. Reverend harper well, it helps me to relax while i work on my weekly sermon. Oh roper, anything in particular youre frantically searching for . I was just browsing oh. Something interesting, the history of stripmining in brazil. Ill wait for the movie. You dont happen to have any gardening magazines, do you . Gardening magazines gardening magazines oh let me did the reverend buy them all . The reverend . Or was it his wife . What say didnt you contribute some gardening magazines . Not me, helen, helen but she didnt know what my plans were for the spring, i want to plant oh oh could could could these be yours . Ill take the whole bunch all right, wait a minute now, what are you willing to offer . . 50. . 50 each, well thats very generous. No, . 50 for the whole box. Oh, come on roper, theyre worth a lot more than that, id say oh 35 but i donated them. Oh yes, in the most generous act of charity it was you, this box. Oh golly lets take a look no no no no never mind never mind ill take it, ill take it. 35, it does go to charity, doesnt it . Well i think youll get a lot of wear out of it. Thank you. Oh, hi helen. Oh, hi ann, oh hey, what a nice jacket. Ill let you have it for five dollars. Mommy, how much is a dead bird . Better, what do you think . I feel like a popsicle. But that was a real bargain, it only cost five dollars. What did you do with my old jacket . Oh, that came in real handy, i needed something to wrap up the garbage. Oh, speaking of garbage stanley, i want you to get rid of those filthy magazines. After all the trouble i went through to get this back . I will not have that trash in with looking at the human body. Then how come you never want to look at mine . Ive seen it. Look at these obscene magazines amateur gardener rose garden journal bama garden and gardening magazines take that shark man shouts and hits the oil pirate in the snorkel and the pirate looks at him and says gurgle gurgle gurgle and sinks to the bottom of the sea. [doorbell ringing] id like a word with you brooks. Roper, you know, ive been expecting you isnt that my jacket . What . Thats my jacket. Shouldve known, helen got this at the church sale. Roper, ive had that jacket since prep school and i id like to buy it back. I dont know, ive gotten kind of attached to it. How much . Well, if it means that much to ill make a deal with you you know those magazines i bought from you yes . Well, underneath them were other magazines what about them . You tell me where they are, what you did with them and ill give you this jacket. All right, all right, all right its a deal. Okay, what did you do with them . I threw them in the incinerator, give me my jacket back. Give me my jacket back whats going on here . You doing with stanleys jacket . A deals a deal mrs. Roper. What happened to the sleeves . Oh, i shortened them for stanley. Didnt i mention that . Roper a deals a deal, brooks. Dont worry mr. Brooks, ann can lengthen them for you. Oh good. Whazza what what . What girly girl, nudes, broads . Well, those those i i i was just saving them to burn them in the fireplace. We dont have a fireplace. We dont have one now, but were going to have a very, very soon. Picture if you will, a fireplace over here, somewhere over here, a big flue and we can marshmallows, just right down here [jacket rips] oh my my jacket roper i hate you i hate you ooh, here comes aunt hilda and mr. Kraft. Ten bucks says he kisses her. 20 bucks says she throws up. And that is why i packed up everything i owned into my 72 dodge dart, and i just left muncie and headed for westbridge. Uhhuh. Good night. You know, i. Had a wonderful time tonight, hilda. A heavy heart, beloved year until i saw thy face. Oh would you look at the time i really, really. Isnt that your car rolling down the hill . Oh, good lord quick. Shes coming. Hey. What are you guys doing . A heavy heart, beloved, i have borne from year to year. Hold me, willard. kissing sounds