Is harold the other little boy . Would have to die. But for fergie to become queen, the whole royal family would have to be wiped out in an airplane crash that killed Wayland Flowers and madame. [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway, we have a good show tonight. You didnt announce our special guests. George bush, and robert dole will come out here to do whos on first . [ laughter ] we have the one and only miss bette davis, with us tonight. [ applause ] and. A very funny performer, martin short, is with us tonight. [ applause ] and possibly, and his orchestra, so well be right back. Stay with us. [ music ] [ applause ] thank you. [ applause ] you finally did itand it was actually easy. Who would have thought . You did what dad taught you to do you took care of business. You made up your mind. Got it done. And thats a load off your shoulders. Thats how it feels to get guaranteed acceptance Life Insurance simple, affordable coverage for people age 50 to 75. 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Ask about this important coverage. Theres no obligation. Call this number. [ music ] [ applause ] we are back. Thank you, doctor. [ applause ] jungle jim. Jungle jim and his all leopard orchestra. Anyway, tonight, we have miss bette davis. She is quite a lady. Shes along in years, but shes as feisty as ever. She says whats on her mind, and she is a survivor. She is out here tonight, and marty short is with us. Did you get your calendar yet, from the bank . I have not yes, i have, as a matter of fact. Remember when i dont know whether they do it anymore, the only people that sent calendars that i can remember were the local garage, a bank, and for some reason, [ laughter ] counting the days. Its like theyre waiting for you. Whats the name of the funeral home in norfolk . Hauser . Hauser. Thats right. The xx hauser funeral home. Id get this lovely calendar. Its like, theyre waiting for you. [ laughter ] anyway, calendars are now a big business. A lot of them are not sent out for free. You can actually buy them. Look at some of these. Heres a beautiful calendar. Is there a price on these . This is called the first family calendar. Its done on highquality stock, you know, with pictures of heres the president trying to remember what he did august the eighth. [ laughter ] very nice pictures. One of him on the ranch. Of course, they always have the cheesecake calendars, you know. [ whistles ] to show you that we are not chauvinistic, did you know that the l. A. Policemen have put out a calendar of officers but they want to show you that our police are in pretty good shape. [ applause ] okay. Heres one here. Preposterous pigs. If you like pigs. Tom selleck has a calendar. Magnum, pi. [ applause ] greatest nfl quarterbacks. Heres one that has a reproduction of a renoir famous painting, on each one. s um hmm. The sierra club, which is a good organization, wildlife calendar. This is just a heres my favorite. Junk food. Look at that cover. Oh. Junk food calendar. These are whats inside. All of these junk foods. Leave it to beaver calendar. Now, we went searching around for some specialty and all of these calendars have specific dates. If you look through the sierra club calendar, they give you things that happen on certain dates. We found some very unusual calendars here, that soon will be in some of your favorite stores. Heres one called football fans. Lets see. January eighth, 1957. An historic event. During an nfl playoff game, the first male beer gut evolves. [ laughter ] to give a fan a place to rest his doritos and bud light while watching the game. November 24th, 1962, housewife trina glowatski, wearing a filmy negligee, is the first female to hear the phrase, hey, honey, that can wait until halftime. [ laughter ] youre making up your own stuff, already . July 13th, Jerry Falwell bobsleds down a water slide. He did that, you know. Lets see. September tenth, 1987. Jim and tammy bakkers dog, revlon [ laughter ] dies in freak electrical accident, when it mistakes the air conditioner in his dog house for a fire hydrant. [ laughter ] would you believe they have a bathroom graffiti calendar . Of course you do. Lets see whats in this one. August 20th, 1935. I wasnt aware of this. The father of modern graffiti, f. Scott fitzstall, is awarded the nobel prize for literature, for penning the immortal couplet entitled, beans, beans, the magical fruit. Remember that . [ laughter ] if you dont think theyre specialized, friends, take a look at this one. The tollbooth collectors calendar. Lets see what goodies await us, here. September tenth, 1978, new jersey turnpike toll collector Roland Ripley moonlights as a male exotic dancer, but is fired from his tollbooth job when he shows up wearing briefs with an exact change basket attached. [ laughter ] are we going to get a big call for this one . How many puppeteers calendars are they going to sell . Not many, i warrant. Oh, good heavens. June 20th, 1968, muppet creator jim henson we all know jim henson . While giving draft physicals as an army medic, which he was, is discharged from the service for using kermit to make a man cough. [ laughter ] bag boy calendar. For supermarket. Why not . If youve got a joke, youve got a bag boy calendar. August ninth, 1983, safeway bag boy Emilio Bacardi revolutionizes blind dating, when he offers his blind date a choice of paper or plastic. [ laughter ] i have one more, here. The fred de cordova calendar. [ applause ] january first, 1937. Fred finally remembers to stop dating his checks b. C. And start using a. D. [ laughter ] and one more entry here. September second, 1986. An enraged de cordova really tells johnny off great show, but leaves off the sir. Remember that . [ laughter ] never have. Bette davis will be out in just a moment, [ music ] [ applause ] okay. Now, my next guest is a very talented actor and comedian. On both second city tv, nbcs saturday night live, his movies include the three amigos, and inner space. This is his first time on the tonight show with us. Would you welcome martin short . [ music ] [ applause ] welcome, welcome, to our humble little set, here. Why thank you. And what a pleasure to meet you. [ laughter ] thank you. You are wonderful. That was great. I am so excited to be here, and i brought you a little gift. I brought you a bottle of champagne. [ laughter ] but if you could do bette and i a favor, and maybe drink it on the way home. [ laughter ] you wont want to go with me, either. No, no. Ill run along. The people who just joined us are not going to know what were talking about. Refer back to the early part of the show, and figure it out, because it may be bleeped. Good to see you. Good to see you. Well, im a tremendous fan of this young lady, and of course, ed, i worked with. Youre probably thinking, which star search was that . [ laughter ] now, lets see. That was with the David Steinberg show, in toronto. Ed was up there. [ applause ] thats right on. David, david, eddie. David, eddie. You know, john, whats amazing to me about having ed . We wanted to have doc, but we didnt have doc. Bu [ laughter ] oh, thats wonderful. Thats right on. [ applause ] it was amazing to me. Then he goes very low. And then he goes up again. He does have a speech pattern, doesnt he . Oh, my goodness. Is dave from canada, too . Yeah. Winnipeg. And youre from canada . Yeah. Hamilton, ontario. [ applause ] you have a great ear for that. Did you start as fooling around in school, when you were very young . Picking up on impressions . The people that you admire, because you just watch them. Its the only possible way that you would. When i used to do jerry lewis as a kid, and i used to do it very high, but then i noticed that as jerry got older, there was a kind of an attitude. And i found it was easier if you did him, you know, if you imagined that you were sucking on a lozenge. I dont know why. Its not that he does a lozenge, but you just have an imaginary lozenge, and you go, yeah, john. How are you doing . Bette [ laughter ] wow. [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] and of course, katharine hepburn, i did on saturday night live. I love that. But i did it as nelson hepburn. We did a piece called lifestyles of the relatives of the rich and famous. [ laughter ] and i played katherines third maternal cousin. Nelson hepburn, whos a hot dog vendor in central park. [ laughter ] and i would work there every day except sundays. Hed say, sundays are mine. They always were. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hed say, i get up in the morning. I sleep late, and i read all the papers, and i have a huge bowl of bran. The next few hours, im indisposed, and i phone friends. [ laughter ] it is flattering, generally, to be mimicked, or impersonated. Do you ever hear from anybody that you do, who may i know for a while, impression of him. At first. I think he began to like it, but he didnt particularly care for it. I think that there are certain people, you cant help. If youre going to do someone, you really have to do all the different angles of them, you know . But, i do robin williams, and robins a friend, and, you know, i thought he might be a little offended, because it was all based on energy and, oh, its wonderful to be here. And here sounds like there. And oh, what a wonderful song, and dont touch that hair, mary you dont know where its been [ applause ] and its so fast. And he just kind of goes along, and then goes oh, theres doc. Doc, doc, like a nurse. Help my arm. Its that wild stream of consciousness that goes through. Hes so great. He was on about a couple weeks ago, and absolutely got on a roll, and it was just like, things were clicking on and off, the time what he was going to do when he got up. He started, and just would yeah. Well, sometimes, you know when i once met richard burton, and burton was a huge idol, to me, and i was very nervous. He was doing camelot. I had a tendency to always be tongue tied. Goofball, basically, when i would meet celebrities that i admired, so i decided that i was really going to be intelligent, and plan what i was going to say. I went back stage after camelot, and i said, i just want to say to you that you are an enormous presence on the stage, and not for one second did i feel that i was watching a movie star. I thought i was watching king arthur. And i thought he would then say, thank you, and move on to the next person. But he didnt. He talked to me. Like a real person. He said, well, did you not find the reverb was somewhat distracting . Booming off the back speaker, it did not bother you, at all . And i said to him, thank you. [ laughter ] that was it, huh . Thats all you planned. Never look back. Its difficult. Have you ever tried to get somebody you cant quite nail . There are loosely people. Robin is not easy, because his voice is not easy. Its an attitude, more than it is the voice. Some people i mean, you would be impossible, to me. Rich little does you, and its amazing. I dont know that its particularly good, or not. I tried to do paul simon, once. It was like, i sure like playing in africa. Its like doug henning, right . The power of illusion. [ laughter ] doug henning . Is there a big call for that . Magic is illusion. An illusion that can be magical. [ laughter ] that may not sound that intelligent, but then, im not that intelligent. [ laughter ] and jamie farr. Jamie farr . Yeah. Im a lover, not a fighter, but thats like groucho marx, so no. And lucy, i tried, but i could only get that. Hurry. [ laughter ] what im saying is, you have to have more nuance. You cant take that on the road. Not really. Gary cooper, i only have three words. Forget it. Hes dead. Thats not enough. [ laughter ] i have been walking on ballfields for 16 years. Remember that great speech . Yes. Who was the character on saturday night live . Ed grimly . Yeah. [ applause ] what is that . A composite of a little of this and a little of that . Oh, it was just a character. Kind of a very optimistic spirit. Very excited to be here, i must say. Oh, give me a break. Being on the tonight show, with Johnny Carson . I suppose that doesnt make me mental, i must say. [ laughter ] [ applause ] if i had known you were here you are so decent, i suppose your movies arent the best in the world. Give me a break. I talked to victoria. Shes living with me, now. Oh, youre doing rickles, now . Oh, ill just do anybody. Well, who havent we covered . You working on anybody . Lets see. Did you do me . Do i do you . Yes. Well, i mean, you arent that easy to do. Then well skip it. I just wanted to know. Yeah, okay. [ laughter ] now whats the total on the board, ed . Then theres jerrys laugh, of course, which i love. Hes like a plum pudding, bubbling. [ laughter ] oh, a lozenge. Ill put it there. [ laughter ] now, youve got children, acting like this, does that disturb them . Do you think they understand that this is what you do for a living . I am teaching my comedy, children. What did i say . Youre teaching your children comedy, or your comedy children . Both those things. Thats what i do. Wa no, im trying to create a comedy dynasty. Not since the wynns, and barely there. [ laughter ] im teaching a comedy dynasty. Not since the wind and barely there. Im teaching my daughter, i taught her, for example, that when she falls down, she must wait for her laughs. She cant just get up, you know. [ laughter ] ive taught her how to do win an oscar. I taught her with a barbie doll. She just holds the barbie doll, and i told her to go oh, baby [ laughter ] it might play. Who knows . It wont. Well be back in just a moment. [ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] its catching. Yotu youre a lot of fun. Its nice to meet you, and have you on the show. Oh, thank you. Whats coming up for you . Im writing an hbo special, martin short goes to the movies, and i start a film with nick nolte, the fugitives. Hey, sensational. Thank you. Come back with us. Id love to. Okay. Bette, has whales of august opened, yet . The movie . I dont know to what extent. Freddys doing this. Here and there, it has opened. Yes, i think its here and there. Oh yes, and ive always, to sell something, and theres one little announcement id like to do, for sale. The paperback of my book will be out around valentines day in february. Alrighty. Yes. I feel more comfortable here, that ive tried to sell something. [ laughter ] otherwise, people say, what is she doing there . What am i doing here, is right. Its a privilege to have you here, tonight. Its always fun having you on the show. A privilege to have me johnny. I really enjoy it. Thank you, bette. Thank you, martin. Thank you, have a nice night. [ music ] . Come and knock on our door . . Come and knock on our door . . Weve been waitin for you . . Weve been waitin for you . . Where the kisses are hers and hers and his . . Threes company, too . . Come and dance on our floor . . Come and dance on our floor . . Take a step that is new . . Take a step that is new . . Threes company, too . . Down at our rendezvous . . Down at our rendezvous . Hard as rock. Soft as jello. Chrissy. Ill bet shirley i love it when you talk like that. Whos this shirley . Oh, jack, shes our gym instructor. Shes going to be here any minute and were all going to lunch together. Oh, great a lady gym instructor. I know just the type. Their faces always look like they do pushups with no hands. You know pow, pow. And they have great bodies, great for climbing trees. You know imitating chimpanzee doorbell rings highpitched come on, girls hoohoohaha hi, shirley come on in. Shirley, right. Hi. I was just showing the little girls what happens when you dont take care of the old bod, you know. Hi, you must be jack. Yeah, all six feet, 180 pounds of me, hi. Ooh, what a Firm Handshake thank you. I bet you keep yourself in pretty good condition, huh . Well, not really, actually im about uh, what, ten pounds off my peak fighting weight. Youre a fighter . Well, you know, uh, boxing you dont seem like a brawler to me. Well, thats nice of you to say. But you see, when youre captain of the Navy Boxing Team theres always some young punk you know, a little wise guy who wants to brag about taking down the big guy. Funny, you never mentioned that. Yeah, you said you had asthma. Thats why they kept you in the kitchen. Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy that they put me in the kitchen was because they felt that lifting those 100pound potato sacks would help me with my decathlon training, remember . Oh, is that your event, the decathlon . Oh, did that just slip out . Yeah, uh, actually. clears throat im very good at throwing the javelin and throwing the discus. Hes good at throwing lots of things. Chrissy, why dont you go get your purse. Lets get going. Hey. Id love to see you again. Why dont you drop by the gym . I love watching a real man work out. Im sure jack would like to see that, too. I will be there with barbells on. How about that . Chrissy, lets get going, come on so, ill see you maybe later today. teasingly bye, jack. Byebye, chrissy. Bye, shirley, see you later. lowpitched bye, shirley, see you later. Oh, jack, you can let your stomach out now. One more. Burn it out. grunting there you go. stationary bike squeaking shirley. Uhhuh . Where you been . Out with some creep . Harvey, youre my brother, not my nursemaid. Yeah, and youre my baby sister and i worry about you. I dont want you going out with guys and getting burned. How can i get burned when you never let me get cooking . slightly exasperated grunt person whistling you in the air force at all . Whats that say harveys. Health spa thats a nice shirt. Hey. Can i help you . Yeah, i was just looking. Who are you . Im harvey. Youre harvey . Well, hello, mr. Spa, nice to meet you. What do you call it introductory special, here. Actually, im in pretty good shape. But my muscles could stand a little toning up. Not that one. That ones fine, thanks. Have a seat over there. We have a number of different programs. And, well, ive got to know how strong you really are. So please put your arm up here. Oh, sure, let me just warn you im actually a lot stronger than i look. You can ask my roommates. Let me know, anytime youre ready. We skip all of that . You know, the only reason im here is to get next to that brunette there, you know . Oh, really . I think youre ready for our x program. X program . Let me ask a question. Are you and that pretty brunette are you guys, uh, going together or anything . Oh, no. Oh good, good. Because i wouldnt want to make you mad, you know. Well. I think you should be able to handle this with no problem. Mmhmm. Sure, no problem. No problem. Okay. Got it . Yeah, yeah, i got it. Its all yours. Okay. Hands a little slippery there. Sorry about that. Okay, lets get this. Okay. breathing rapidly yaah highpitched excuse me, coach would you give me a hand here . If you could just. Need some help . Yeah, just, uh. panting all right. Lets go over to the bench press. Whats this do . Lie down. Its going to develop what will be your chest. Cant we go back to the a program . Oh, no, no, no, no. Okay, you ready . Yeah. Okay, now one. panting eeh come on. Get it off, get it off, mommy panting maybe we should go to the leg press. My chest we got to go back there and get my chest. Youll really thank me for this later. And hit the showers . Now, you watch and you do what he does. I got it. You got it. Sit. Now, i want you to do 40 lifts and ill be back in a few minutes. Ill be dead in a few minutes. panting hi, jack oh, hi, shirley. How are you doing . Fine. Isnt that a little heavy for your first workout . Are you kidding . Thirtynine. Ffforty. Whew i know. That was a hard weight for me, too. For you . Hey, listen, why dont you come over to my place for lunch tomorrow . growling oh, id love it. Great, heres the address. See you at noon. Great, thanks. Thirtynine. Whwhwhwhat . And then you will be through with your warmup and we can start your workout. My workout . Whats so funny . Im just thinking of jack this morning when he got up he looked like a pretzel. I know, that workout yesterday really tied him in knots. I had to feed him breakfast. The poor guy, we really shouldnt laugh. No. both snickering ooh that little weasel harvey . Is there something wrong . No, im just going to kill somebody. I mean, hes dating my sister harvey, whats wrong with that . Whats wrong . Shes only 26. Innocent. Why, she doesnt know whats going on in the world. And i think i know the guy that shes doing it with that zipper fellow. Both tripper. You know him . No hmmm. No. No well, i know where to find him and shirley over at her apartment. Ah, harvey, what gives you that idea . Because, i just tried to call her and she didnt answer the phone. Well, i do that when im with. Mmm. when im not there. Well, look, it was nice chatting with you ladies but ive got to go scramble some guys face. Ah, harvey, uh, youre really tense there. Look how tense he is, chrissy. With a couple of great girls . It could be our treat. You pick the restaurant. I hate restaurants. Oh, well, uh, in that case why dont we just mosey on over to our place . What, you live near here . Uhhuh. Yeah, just a couple of blocks away. I guess i could have a quick bite. All right, well, lets go then yeah, great. gasping i can just see the headline man dies while putting on pants. doorbell chimes