Ure wearing one. The weathers gone nuts, ma. A whole summer of rain and now in september it decides to get hot. Its lucky mrs. Wiedermeyer moved away. By the heat in queens. Whered she move to, ma . To the bronx. Will you tell this guy that if i hear watergate one more time im gonna go nuts mike, if archie hears watergate one more time hes gonna go nuts i just told him that, you dingbat now, i need a pen. Just go get me a pen. Yeah. [belches] thanks. Stay away from me. Just stay away from me. I dont want to be arguing with no guy whos got a lamb chop for a brain. Here. Oh, edith, its so hot in this house. Cant you close the windows and the door and turn on the air conditioner . Oh, no. We cant do that. The mayor was on the radio, asking everybody to switch off everything electric. Why did he say that . I didnt wait to hear why. I switched off the radio. Its because we have to conserve energy, daddy. Otherwise theres gonna be another brownout. Well, if i dont get some air, im gonna brown out. Ill turn the thing on myself. No, daddy, dont. Daddy. Im turning it on as good citizens, we all have to cooperate. Oh, i suppose you think that good citizen barney hefners got his air conditioner turned off. I suppose you think that all good citizens in this block got their air conditioners off. As a matter of fact, i do. Good, then turning ours on wont do no harm. Get out of there. Oh, dad im gonna turn it on. Right here. Oh, jeez [squeals] great work, arch. You made your own power cut. Would you like me to call a repairman . No, edith, thats the worst thing you can do on a hot day is call the repairman. Hes got you over a barrel where he can pick your pocket. Arch, ive got a great idea. Why dont you hire one of nixons plumbers . I am tuning you out, meathead, because ive got something important here to read and to sign and ive got to consecrate on that. Just tell me one thing, archie. Do you think nixon knew about watergate and the coverup . Im busy. Just tell me. Do you think he knew . Im busy. Say yes or no. I am buzy, busy now get away from me. Dont say no more to me. I dont want to hear another word out of either one of youse. Not one word. How am i gonna tell you when lunch is ready . You wont have to tell me, edith. Ill know when its ready because ill see the meathead racing for the table. Now, please, huh, leave me alone. Give me air. Give me air both whereas we got our fair share of coloreds in this street get out of here. Edith what . Thats a petition it aint a petition. Its a letter from people who live in this street. To who . To some people that we dont want living in this street. Oh, arch, what do you want to start this thing up for again . The jeffersons have been living here for over two years. This letter aint got nothing to do with the jeffersons. This has got to do with what is coming in next door. Do you mean somebodys buying the wiedermeyer house . Somebody wants to buy it, edith. But this time were gonna strike before the iron gets hot, see . What are you talking about . Im talking about that real estate guy, joe braddock, who comes up to me and says that i ought to be proud because theres a minorority living in the street here. So i says, sure. Im proud. He says, thats good, because another minorority has just put a deposit on the wiedermeyer joint. Well, thats terrific. Oh, thats terrific. Terrific. Everythings terrific if its a minorority with her. Shed be happy with a hindu and a goat. Oh, yeah. Itll be nice to have neighbors again. What do you mean nice, edith . Dont you see what this is . Braddock was telling me that another bunch of coloreds is coming on the street. Dont you see where that leaves us . An the new coloreds over here, well be sandwiched in between like a whitemeat turkey on pumpernickel. You know, you really are paranoid. I aint paranoid. Why are youse all against me . Daddy. Daddy, didnt the jeffersons teach you anything . You were against them when they moved in, but nothing happened. The sky didnt fall down. Well, because the jeffersons are different. How are the jeffersons different . Because one colored family is a novelty and two is a ghetto. What . what . daddy are you really gonna take that petition around . I told you this aint a petition. This is a letter that mcnab wrote and he gave it to me. Im supposed to sign it and pass it along. You know something, i swear i think you do these things sometimes just to eat my heart out. And thats what you do, you know. Little by little, piece by piece, you eat my heart out. Bunker bunker, i want a word with you. Dont bother to try to hide the evidence. I know what youre up to and i want that letter that mcnab is passing around what letter . Well, maybe he means this letter. Get out of here, will you . Now, listen, jefferson, i aint got no argument with you. Come on, dont cop out to me. I know that you dont want any more blacks in this street. I never said that. You dont have to. Youre always against any improvements on the block listen, this whole thing with this letter, its a matter of economics, see . Remember, im on your side in this. Oh, now youve really got me worried. Listen, think intelligent, huh . If the value of my property goes down, the same thing happens to your property. If you dont want that to happen, then youre gonna join the rest of us neighbors on the block and sign this. I wouldnt sign that piece of paper if i was the last black man on earth, let alone on this block archie jefferson, this is for your own good [hispanic accent] excuse me. Archie oh, hold on. Hold on. What is this . How do you do . Can i help you . Yes, i am Alfredo Estrada and this is my wife, maria. Oh, im edith bunker and this is my husband, archie. Come on, edith, just tell them that we aint buying, no matter what theyre selling. Oh, no, seor, we are not selling, we are buying. The house, number 702. Youre what . The wiedermeyer house . Thats terrific hey, great welcome [mocking] terrific welcome why dont youse two move to calcutta you see, we are supposed to meet the Real Estate Agent here this morning, but he dont call yet and we dont have the key. Theyre puerto rican no, theyre swedes ah, and it is especially nice to see you here, mr. , uh. Jefferson. The white family. And im very glad to be your new neighbor. Hey, bunker. What . I cant believe it i cant believe it the two of you scheming all week together. Ah, what are you kicking about . Aint you and your wife always telling me that coloreds and whites ought to Work Together . Not to stop Puerto Ricans from moving next door well do anything to protect our property on this street. So you lied about the condition of the weidermeyer house . I didnt lie about nothing. Thats right, he didnt lie. He just told him he wouldnt buy a house that was riddled with termites. That house doesnt have termites. I didnt say it did. Well, what did you say . I said i wouldnt buy a house that was riddled with termites. Boy, thats some kinda truth. You know, you ought to be working for the white house. Will you get off of that . The only mistake the white house made was just hiring a couple of screwups. A couple of screwups . Thats right, they shouldve hired japs instead of all them krauts. Wait a second. What . because the japs are better than the krauts at electronics. And if the japs get caught, they do the right thing, they kill themselves. What are you and Henry Jefferson gonna do when you get caught . What do you mean, get caught . We aint doing nothing crooked. [michael laughing] oh, no . While the estradas are thinking it over, you and henry are trying to find somebody else to buy the house. You dont call that crooked . No where does that place Henry Jefferson . Hes number two. Why is he number two . Because, meathead, there can only be one number one and one number two and life made jefferson number two long before i come along. I suppose that the Puerto Ricans are number three, then, huh . Well, no, not necessarily there, little girl. Your Puerto Ricans could be four. Your japs and your chins could be three. 3a, 3b. Crazy he makes me crazy hey, bunker. Hiya there, jefferson. How are you . Glad to see you. Look at them over there, birds of a feather who cheat Puerto Ricans together. Excuse me, jefferson. [blows raspberry] what did you find out . Well, bunker, were off the hook. Braddock sold the house and the Puerto Ricans are out of it. Hey, thats great news, thats great news. Look at this, its nixon and brezhnev all over again. Shut up, huh. Mr. Jefferson, i just cant tell you dont pay no attention to her. Edith edith yes im sorry you feel that way, gloria, but in this world a mans gotta look out for number one. Right. I thought you were number one, arch. Oh, thats only when a black man aint around, right, bunker . No. No. Like i always say, jferson, i mean, whats in a number, huh . Yeah, archie . Oh, hello, mr. Jefferson. Hi, edith. Sit down. Sit down, henry. Bring a couple of beers, huh . Right away. I hope you know theres such a thing as a Fair Housing Commission in this state. Yeah, mr. Jefferson. Theyre the ones who helped you get your house. Well, that was fair. That was fair. Wait a second. What are you saying, its not fair for other people to get their houses that way . No. No. Nobody said that. All were saying is Puerto Ricans ought to stay in puerto rico. We dont go to their country to live. Why should they come to ours . Puerto rico is part of this country. No, no, no. It aint a state. They have commonwealth status. Daddy, no, it means that they are citizens. They have a right to move from one part of this country to another just like anybody else. No. I say no. Would you say that to a guy who came from texas . If hes a puerto rican, yeah. Oh, god hopeless, hopeless here you are. Here we are. There you are, henry. Thanks. Hey, good news, edie. Good news. The weidermeyer place is sold and to americans. The estradas are americans too. Sure. But theyve got to stand in line like my people had to. Thats right, and manys the time ive seen your people standing in line, jefferson, and it was heartbreaking. Hey, lets have a toast to our success. Here, huh, what do you say . To us, huh . Archie, to us. Just us, edith. Boy, i never thought id see the day when youd be happy to have another white family on the block. White . Who says theyre white . Are they black . I dont know if theyre black or white. They could be puerto rican. Holy cow, did you hear that . Jefferson, youd better go to braddock and find out right away. Ill get to the bottom of this. Hurry up there, jefferson. Look at that. You cant trust them people. Henry wouldnt lie. How can you tell . They never blush or go pale or nothing. Yeah. Id like the number of the Fair Housing Commission, please. What are you doing . Im not gonna let you get away with this. The estradas had a deposit on that home first. Put down that phone. Dont tell mee [all arguing] archie give me that phone. Give me that phone. Give me that give me that phone yah hah hah. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, look what youve done hello, there. Hello, there. Can i help you . Well, youre not gonna believe this, its a good thing you didnt, because it just broke. She can see that, edith, you know, huh . Look out. Get out of there, meathead. Ive gotta fix the phone now. Gotta get this wire here to go into this wire in here, look. Would you like me to fix that for you . Come on, lady, i aint got time to fool around. Whos fooling around . I can fix it. You fix phones . I can fix anything. Look at this. Josephine the plumber. Archie, maybe she could fix our air conditioner. Edith, fixing air conditioners and telephones is mens work. Well, why dont i just watch you do it . Maybe i can learn something. Oh, you wouldnt, because archie cant do things. Will you stifle yourself . Oh, he can do some things. You mean like pulling the phone apart . Yeah, he can do that. Will you, edith, huh . But he wont be able to put it together again. Watch, youll see. With the two of youse breathing down my neck and 110 in the shade out there and you shooting your mouth off about me to a total stranger . Oh, i wont be a stranger for long. Im Irene Lorenzo. My husband and i are buying the house next door. Youre our new neighbor. Irene yes. Hey, look at this, youre white. Do we get points for that . Well, were the bunkers and this is our daughter, gloria, and her husband, michael stivic. Mrs. Lorenzo, i dont know if you know this but another family already put a deposit down on that house. Hey, shut up. They did not. They did too. They did not. They did too. They did not they didnt who are you gonna listen to, lady, him or me . Why do i feel that my life is at stake if i say him . Man irene in here, frank. In here. Ice cream for you hello, everybody. May i come in . Edith oh, sure. Frank this is my husband, frank. Frank how do you do . Heres your ice cream, irene. Not now, frank. I think weve got problems with the house. What kind of problems . Mr. Lorenzo, im not sure that the house next door legally belongs to you. Will you shut your mouth . Dont pay any attention to anything this guy says. He dont even work. Whoa. Wait a minute. What are you talking about . I put a deposit down on that house. You dont have all the facts, frank. Im not gonna move out of that house. You dont have all the facts. Were staying in that house. You dont have all the facts, frank. I dont think i have all the facts. Now, dont get excited, but if its true, another family had a deposit on the house first. Well, wait a minute, lady. What about your own husband here . He put a deposit too. I dont think we can move in, frank. It just wouldnt be the christian thing to do. What are you talking about . It would be the most christian thing you done in your life. I can prove it to you by the bible. All were trying to do on this block is separate the white fromhe chaff. Wait a minute. Before you tell me that that house next door aint mine. Irene and i werent born yesterday, you know. We know people, and speaking for myself, i know what a good christian is. Isnt he wonderful when hes passionate . Irene, it has nothing to do with being passionate. Its a question of looking out for number one. You sure youre number one . Get out of here listen, i wanna welcome youse two people to the neighborhood and to the block. Well, archie, if theyre welcome now, maybe mrs. Lorenzo would fix our phone. Oh, yeah, you wanted to fool around with the phone before. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead. Try and fix it. She can fix nothing. She can fix the phone. Huh . She can fix anything. Huh. Where did you get this lovely toolkit . It was a door prize at one of franks sales conventions, a toolkit and a set of cookware. She kept the tools and you kept the cookware . Frank is one of the best cooks youll ever run into. Oh, i get it. You work in a restaurant, huh . No. Im just mad about cooking. Oh. Yeah. I think ive seen guys like you. Hey, bunker, i got the news you wanted to hear. Braddock just told me, your new neighbors, theyre white. That seems to impress everyone around here. Yeah, white, white, white. Look at them, white. Well, mr. Braddocks waiting for you next door. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Well, bunker, you got what you wanted. Correction, you both got what you wanted, but now the estradas are out in the cold. No, they got what they wanted too. Braddock sold them a house over on the next block. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean to tell me that louse braddock sold them Puerto Ricans a house in this neighborhood . Thats great thats great archie, aint that nice . Aint that nice . Youll see how nice it is when the whole neighborhoods turned into a smelting pot and its all the fault of that guy joe braddock. Oh, i know him, a typical outforhimself irish mick. You dont like the irish . Theyre all right when they aint mumbling over their beads or boozing it up. I happen to be irish. Huh . I dont like what you just said. I dont like it either. I mumble over my beads too. Im italian. Oh, jeez, i mean, i couldnt tell. Irish and italian. Look what we got here, edith, a mixed marriage. Not mixed. Were both catholics. Look, your phones fixed. Frank, i think wed better go. Dont run away. Ediths gonna put coffee and cake on the table. Get it, get it, get it. Im sorry, but you know us irish catholics. And then rush right off to confession. Oh, what do you mean rush . Wheres the rush . Theres one confession that cant wait. Oh, come on, a nice lady like you, what would you have to confess . What im thinking about you. [laughing] oh, my, i thought it would cool off at night. Oh, edith, look at the cards youve been dealing me. Jeez, this aint a hand, its a foot. Of all the lousy archie, no swearing. Remember, you promised. No more gd. Who said gd . You did. I promised you never no more. Come on, play cards. Do you want the 10 of diamonds . No. All right, ill take it and ill throw you the queen. Frank were having a heat wave a Tropical Heat wave. Its. Were having a heat wave a Tropical Heat wave. I dont want stereo, edith. Come on, play the game. You want the queen . Yeah. Gin. Oh, gee hey hey, lorenzo will you cut that racket out over there . Were playing cards here. You just made me blow a hand. Frank luck, be a lady tonight glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again didnt need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great hot. Hot. Hot oh, hi, gloria. Hi, gloria. Dont get up, michael. I wasnt planning to. Oh, ma, the subway was so hot, so crowded, so jampacked i wanted to go, aaargh and i did. You did . What happened, gloria . Nothing. Nobody even turned around. Im going upstairs to take a shower and i may never come out. Quick. Somebody Say Something cold to me. Hi, mrs. Lorenzo. Thats not cold enough, michael would you like a cold drink . Now youre getting warmer oh, and you wanted me to get colder. Oh its a joke. I get it well, come on inside. Ive got some nice freshmade lemonade. Dont bother taking it out of the fridge. Ill just crawl right in with it. Oh. Frank said thanks for the use of the mixer. You know, the motor was heating up, so i overhauled it for you. Oh, youre so handy. How did you ever learn all that . Oh. Selfdefense, edith. Selfdefense. I just got so sick and tired of being talked down to by repairmen. Lady, you dont understand these things. Take my word for it. Its a big job. Oh, yeah, ive heard that. Well, i got even for all of us. I read a forbidden book. The handymans guide to home repair. Oh, my and i learned to fix things myself. And every time i turn a screw, i like to think theres some repairman on the other end of it. Oh oh, irene oooh [giggling] you know, this may sound silly. I know youre not a movie star or nothing, edith, thank you maybe we can exchange autographed pictures later. Oh, hahaha yeah. Listen, you were going to tell me places to shop in the neighborhood. I have a couple of things to pick up. Yeah, sit down and ill tell you now, the first place to go is fergusons market. Its right around the corner. But when you go to check out, dont go to agnes on counter two, because if you forget to ask her for green stamps she wont give them to you because shes saving them for her own book. Go to sybil gooley on counter one. Shes wonderful with green stamps. But you got to watch her on change. Oh, not that shes dishonest. Its just that she catches colds all the time and that makes her breathe through her mouth and she dont count the change right. For fish. For fish, you go to levys fish market. And for fruits and vegetables, you go to rosellis. His stuff is fresher. Only, if the tomatoes are squishy, that means mrs. Goldblatts been there ahead of you. Shes a squeezer. Well, i guess thats everything. Any questions . No. I got it all. Now, what was it you wanted to buy . A housecoat and a pair of slippers. Edith, have you started cooking dinner yet . No, i was just going well, dont. I want to have frank come over and make you a big gourmet dinner right in front of your very eyes. Oh, i dont want him to go to all that trouble. Its no trouble at all. And frank will love it. Michael excuse me. Oh. Just wanted to get something to eat. But, mike, were going to have dinner pretty soon. Irene, wait ill tell you where you can get your housecoat and slippers. At kresslers department store. Thats where gloria oh, hi, there, girls. Im going to tell you. If this aint the hottest day in the last 25 years. Where the hell are you . Edith . Edith hi, archie. Ill be right back wait a minute. Where are you going, huh . Oh, look at this. For once i come home from work and im ready to tell her about my day and all she does is. [grumbling] archie well, if this aint a beautiful sight for a working man to come home. Close the icebox door there, meathead. I want to get something. Come on youre letting all the cold out. I dont know what i want yet. Cant you close the door until you can make up your mind . You aint got brains enough for that, ill help you. Here. Heres something for you right now. This is crisco. What do you care . You eat anything. Hiya, daddy oh, holy cow get away from me what do you mean, coming downstairs in front of your father dressed like that . Put some clothes on you. I got some clothes on. Where . Where . Here, here. Oh daddy, its the same thing i wear on the beach. It aint the same as the beach. The beach is different. Why . Because the beach has got sand and umbrellas and hot dogs and orange crush. Look at you. 24 years old. You dont know the difference between a beach and your own living room . Now take that off. Okay. Not here go upstairs and put a dress on you. Oh, boy, daddy. You know something, youre the kind of person that would put pants on michelangelos david. I dont care what any other father does with his kid. [wolfwhistles] oh, thank you, michael. Oh, look at this. What kind of a bum would whistle at his own wife . I cant help it, arch. Its the crisco. It turned me on. You are pure filth. At least he says what hes thinking. Whats bothering you . Besides you, your mother. Whats your problem with ma . She aint here. Thats the problem. She probably went next door to talk to mrs. Lorenzo. Whats the big deal . Oh, shes always over there and neglecting her own home here. Whats the big attraction over there at lorenzos . Its simple ever since the lorenzos moved in, ma has someone to talk to. Shes always got somebody to talk to. I know, but now someones listening. Whos she married to, anyway . Me or them . You know what, daddy . Youre jealous. I aint jealous. Yeah. Youre jealous. Edith hi, everybody im back what . What do you mean, hello, everybody, im back . What are you picking on ma for . A minute ago you were missing her. You were, archie . Keep quiet, you look at her. All mouth and belly button there. I told you something. Now i give you an order. Get upstairs and get some clothes on, and take the polack mark spitz with you. Watch it, all right . Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Thats just like you, daddy. We catch you feeling something for ma, and then you got to turn it into a cheap polish joke. Oh, forget it, gloria. Just get out of here, all right . I just realized whats bothering me. Its not the heat. Its the stupidity. Get him away from me. If i wasnt so dogtired, id ve you one of these. [blows raspberry] well . How was your day . Its too late for that. Time to ask me that is when i come in the door and the whole lousy day is fresh on my mind. Well, why dont you start with the subway and maybe itll all come back to you. I dont wanna talk about the subway. I wanna talk about my wife. Oh, then youre talking to the right person. Why are you spending so much time with the lorenzos . Youre neglecting your own house here. Look at the table here. Aint no dinner there. The air conditioner over here is still broke. And i come home, wore out after a hard day at work, im halfprostate in the heat. Archie, why dont we have Irene Lorenzo take a look at our air conditioner . Shes really very good with her hands. Yeah, well, i wish shed use them to choke that husband of hers thats singing night and day over there. Hes singing in the middle of the night. Why are you always over there, anyway . Why cant you stay here where you belong . Archie you miss me i miss dinner on the table. You do miss me. Oh, archie coming from you, thats like a real love letter. Now that you got your love letter, would you get dinner on the table . Dinner that reminds me. Let me tell you about a surprise thats coming. Oh, a surprise . I got a surprise i wanna tell you about. Oh, no, let me tell you mine first. Oh, no, save it. Save it, edith. I gotta tell you mine before it happens. Edith, edith, this is a surprise for Frank Lorenzo next door. Wait till you see this. The next time he starts singing, i got this for him now. What is that lousy old song hes been singing all week long . Sing that for me. Youre asking me to sing . Just this once. If i can take it, so can you. Go on, go on. All right. Were havin a heat wave a Tropical Heat wave. [blaring] thats what hes gonna get the next time he starts singing in the middle of the night. I dont have to yell across the alley or nothing. Ill just give him that oh, archie huh . Where did you get that . Stretch cunningham loaned it to me. He takes it with him to the ball games all the time. Aint that a beauty . Look at that. Huh . Ha, ha, ha now, what was the surprise you had for me . Well, the oh [blares] oh, put that away. Now, the surprise is this frank babababababa sound the trumpet bang the drum here comes dinner. Yum, yum, yum oh into the kitchen, irene. Five, four, three, two, one. Time to take out our first course. And my first course will be soup, the magnificent, incomparable vichyssoise. Oh. Ohh its icecold. Id better heat it up. No, no, no please, its supposed to be served cold. You warm up vichyssoise and it weeps. Really . Oh, id better tell archie about it before he eats it. He aint never had cold soup before, not on purpose. Oh. Well, pardon me asking, but, uh, does your husband do a lot of the cooking over your house . He does all of it. He loves it. Oh, well, aint you a little afraid of what people could think . You mean, that im a lazy wife . Is that . Is that what you think . Oh, no, no. I dont think that. I mean, because i know hes italian. And italians are always bothering women. Then there must be a little italian in you. Oh, no, no. I was you trying to give me a shot there . No, no. I thought i was paying you a compliment. Oh, because what you said there, well, i guess i kind of misconscrued it. But if hes got time to do all that cooking and all that, he must be retired, huh . Semiretired, what does that mean . He drives halfway to work and then comes back again . Well, let me ask you this, how is it that you retired to this neighborhood instead of to florida like the rest of the world . Oh, we tried florida, st. Petersburg. No matter where we went, we always got stuck behind a funeral procession. So frank said as long as we have to face death every day, we might as well come back to new york. Jeez, look at the time, and no dinner on the table yet. Well, do you want it quick or do you want it good . I want it today. Ill say one thing about ediths cooking, ready or not, its on the table at 6 00. You dont really like women, do you . Thats how i can say that. That was a shot. [frank singing in italian] oh, gee, there he goes again with that singing. Aint that terrible . I think its lovely. I think he ought to get himself a monkey. Dinner come to the table. A meal fit for a king. Irene, you sit there. Frank, you sit here. Archie, you sit there. And ill sit here. You see how i worked it out, archie . Boy, girl, boy, girl. Now that we know what we are, edith, can we eat . Oh, wait a minute. This is just like a holiday meal. Dont you think we should say a few words first . Yeah, i know just the words to say. Hey, i bet you never heard that kinda grace before, huh . No. And i wish id never heard that one. Come on, lets eat, everybody, huh . I cant wait to see your faces when you dig in. Uh, see what we got here. Archie dont shake my arm. Look at this. Three blows and all the heats gone out of it. Its vichyssoise, archie. Its supposed to be cold. The soup is supposed to be cold . Yeah. If you warm it up, it cries. Well, uh, ill tell you what and hes not eating it. Its a flop no no, no, frank. Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, dont get excited. Look, if itll make you feel better, ill keep it over here by me. Come on, frank. No. Come on, give us a smile. No. Come on, irene. Come on, come on. Come on, irene. Stop. There it comes, sweetheart. Irene. [both laughing] there it is. Look at that beautiful big smile. From ear to shining ear see what she does to me . Shes a witch, a witch for a minute there i thought she was gonna burp you. Archie, where are you going . You havent tasted anything. What are you talking about . The cold soup was a taste thrill. Ill see you in a few moments. Oh, but, archie. I told you, he hates it, he hates it. Oh, no, no edith, i dont think archies very happy about our being here. No. He loves you being here. When you live with a man long enough, you know what hes thinking, and believe me, ive lived with archie long enough. You see . You see . Thats what happens when you cook a gourmet dinner for a man whos not even ready for mcdonalds. Oh, im sorry, frank. Now, snap out of it. Hey, i think Something Else is disturbing you besides the dinner. All right, ill tell you whats bothering me. Do you realize how much time youve been spending with edith . Do you realize that this is the first chance ive had to talk to you alone all day . Frank, you missed me. I miss you . I miss you . The bathroom faucets are leaking, my electric razor started to whistle again, the floorboards are all loose. Sure i miss you. Thats the most romantic thing youve said to me since i plugged up the leak in your dishwasher. Leave me alone if i gotta eat a cold dinner, youre gonna hurt his feelings. He worked so hard. To hell with him. Oh, put that down give me that back here. Archie bunker, you listen to me. Ever since youve come home here tonight, youve been acting like a little boy. Because im hungry and im talking every time i start to make new friends, something always happens between you and them. But i aint gonna let it happen with frank and irene, because i like them and they like me. Theyre my friends and i wanna keep them. [whining] what do you want me to do . I want you to go back in there and be nice to them. Oh, thank you, archie. Oh, go on, go on. Go on. Archie get in there everybody, we found out what was making archie act queer. Different, not queer its the heat. He hasnt been himself for days. And until the air conditioner gets would you like me to take a look at it . Keep away from it. Oh, archie, i think our friend should look at it. Yeah, well, all right. Its just that, you know, i always figured the first law of nature is that women and machinery dont mix, you know . I mean, why do you think god gave men short hair . So it wouldnt get caught in the machinery. You read my mind. Thats not the hardest thing in the world to do. Thats another shot. Oh, wonderful, wonderful [singing in italian] can i ask you something, frank . You gotta sing all the time . Frank, why do you have to sing all . He sings when hes happy. I sing when im happy archie, i sing. Okay, be happy, frank be happy and sing if you wanna be happy, be happy ill make everybody happy
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