Do you like geography . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy so heres a map of the united states. Its the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most stds is traditionally whichever state where the bachelor is shooting, but not in this case. California finished 16th, which is better than i thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here. But the number one most sexually diseased state, is fortunately, not attached to us. It is right there, alaska. [ applause ] and the reason they have the most stds in alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while youre wearing mittens . [ laughter ] guillermo, youre wearing mittens. Yes, jimmy. Jimmy you have a condom in your hand. Give it a try. To give you an idea of how difficult this is. Even practiced in this, this afternoon, right . Yeah. Can i use my teeth . Yeah, you can use anything, but dont bite into the you, you know. I dont want to have to heimlich you here. So you can see what im saying. Are you still working on that . Yeah. Jimmy when you get it open, put it on and well see how it looks. All right, sure. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy the most, i dont know if you can see, but the top state for stdfree state is new hampshire. Congratulations to new hampshire, followed by west virginia, maine, and vermont. Vermont is 47. Vermont, theyre really making the most of this. Vermont, theyre even using these new stats to help boost tourism. Vermont its the place to be if you dont want to get an std the mountains and trees and it wont hurt when you pee vermont come to vermont wed love to see you we wont give you herpes or gonorrhea just maple syrup and lots of skiing no blood in your urine for the times when youre peeing. In mountain, our mountains are green but your genitals wont be. Weve got low rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and even crabs. Youll have a great vacation, not painful urination. Make vermont your destination when you pee here, theres no Burning Sensation vermont, were vt, not vd im Bernie Sanders and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats the only burn i feel. Anyway, its funny, but its a serious thing. And the center for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an std is to get really into dungeons and dragons in high school. You get that thing open yet, guillermo . Not yet. Jimmy President Trump is working to try to drum up some support from republicans for the obamacare replacement theyve been working on. Tonight he invited a hundred of them to come bowling at the white house. For real, its a pizza and bowling night, part of what theyre calling the president s charm offensive. He can be very charming and very offensive. So he puts those together. Unfortunately, the white house Bowling Alley only has two lanes for 100 people. So i dont know how much bowling will happen. Bowling is a traditional activity for president s of the united states. It goes all the way back to harry true man who had bowling lanes put in the white house. Theres richard nixon. President clinton bowling. President bush throwing the ball. President obama all bowling in suits and ties. The real take away here is they need to design some kind of president ial bowling shirt, you know, with a spare force one on it, or something, a team logo. [ laughter and applause ] oh, thank you. Thank you. Trump has made it known that he doesnt want the new Health Care Bill called trump care for a very good reason. The president is a humble man, he doesnt like to put his name on things. And paul ryan, the speaker of the house said this, the reason obamacare doesnt work, is because it makes Healthy People pay for the care of sick people. Which isnt that how all insurance works . Imagine trying to buy car insurance. Hey, my car is fine. Im not paying for those people who got in accidents. Its like saying the lottery doesnt work because only one person hits the jackpot. Tonight was bowing night. Last night, the president and first lady had dinner with senator ted cruz and his wife heidi, which that must have been after all the lying ted and you know how the government could make some money, put it on payperview. I would gladly pay a hundred dollars to watch donald trump and ted cruz eat dinner together. It would be the best episode of celebrity wife swap ever. Melania trumps Approval Rating is up. You remember, the model who is locked in the tower and talks like borat . 52 of americans have a favorable opinion, men more than women. Women tnd 0 judge her on what she does and says whereas men base it on google image search results. If theres one thing donald trump loves, its people with better ratings than him, hes not going to tolerate that. In addition to my work as a talk show host and hairstylist, im also a beloved tv judge. From time to time i hear cases along with my trusty bailiff guillermo who is still working on or who has given up. Real litigants put their disputes in very good hands, these hands, the hands of the man known as judge james. This is the plaintiff, scott davies. He rented a private onebedroom apartment from the defendant, only to discover on moving day that the unit was merely a living room. Hes suing for 1,400. This is the defendant, daniel devore. He maintains the plaintiff was aware of the living arrangement, but changed his mind. Its the case of the justice of the lease. Raise your right hand. What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. Theyre actual litigants with a case pending in civil court. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. You can be seated. You can sit down. The lady has been sworn in. Very good. Before we begin, id like to congratulate you, guillermo. Guillermo has been named bailiff of the month. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. Okay, all right. Scott davies, you are suing daniel devore, for 1400, the amount you paid the defendant to rent a private one bedroom with a shared bathroom and late area you discovered it was just a living room, correct . Yes, your honor. Mr. Devore, you say he just changed his mind after he moved into the property. You offered him several solutions after he moved in but he decided to sue. Thats correct. Mr. Davies, lets start with you. I found the craigs list ad, i dont know which one he gave you. Thank you. Essentially youll see right there, it doesnt say den at all. It says private room. I met him at his office, gave him cash. He gave me the keys and immediately i went to the able to see if the keys got me into where i needed to be. They only got me into the living room. So i called him and said, i think you forgot a key. He basically started to manipulate the situation, telling me, thats the space i rented, and if im not familiar with the laws in california, if you give somebody cash for a certain set of keys, thats the room youre getting. Mr. Devore, what happened . I had two ads going at the same time, and it wasnt a living room. It was a den and a private room. One was 695, one was 895. Hes just showing you the one ad. That i had ran at that point. Do you have the other ad . Believe it or not, i do not have the other ad. There you go. Thats the only ad, sir. There was multiple ads. That was the only add i saw. You know, little brother, you better give me a second while im speaking. Ive been listening to you all day. We got two rooms, campbells a witness. I dont have to worry. We have somebody who is here. Come on, big brother, youre not organized. Listen, little brother do you guys think of each other as brothers . Well, he calls me brother. So apparently hes my brother. Like you said, you had to call your mom that night. Of course. Im a big mamas boy. Im not afraid to admit it. I love your mom too. I bet you do. [ laughter ] this is the other ad i was running. Dont worry, brother. What is this youre showing me . Its all black. Thats the ad i ran for 695. Why cant i read it . Because hes a scammer. Nick jonas, let it slide. Youre sweating there. Order in the court. Thank you. Tell him to quiet down. Like a little terrier running around the court. Shut up, fat boy. Come over here and tell me to shut up. Hold on real quickly, you are no longer bailiff of the month. You cant let this go on. Did he move in, campbell . Yes or no. He did move in. He stayed the night. Thats correct. There you go. Campbell, you are living in the house now . Yes, sir, i am. Are you in any danger . I hope not, your honor. Campbell, are you currently under the influence of marijuana . Thats right. Say something is, campbell. Campbell, Say Something help me out here, man. Campbell, are you going to do anything . Say anything, campbell are you alive . What the frik . Jimmy seen more personality in a can of campbells soup. Say something, come on, now. All right. Im going to go to my chambers and maybe have a snack and then ill come back and i will rule on this case. Will judge james side with little brother or big brother . Will guillermo have to say adios to his best bailiff award . And is campbell, mmm, mmm, wasted . Judge james verdict when we return. [ cheers and applause ] cant wait to figure out how i rule. Were going to take a break. When we come back, the conclusion of judge james, plus this week in unnecessary censorship, so stick around. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] home loan, that newly listed,ank midcentury ranch withed for a the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] delicious, freshly brewed coffee cits one dollar. Go to mcdonalds and get 1 any size coffee or 2 small specialty beverage. And, every 6th mccafe beverage is free with our app. Wake up and win the day. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight on the show, Tim Hiddleston, Gillian Jacobs is here. Comedian sam jay is on the way. First i want to wish happy birthday to barbie the doll, she turned 58 today. 58 years old. Old enough that we should probably start calling her by her real name, barbara. Sadly barbie didnt get the one thing she wanted today, which is for ken to have genitals. Still having trouble with that over there . Yes. Jimmy i like that youre still working on it. I dont know what it shows. I want to open it. Jimmy youll get it open. Lets go back to the courtroom for the shocking and legally binding conclusion to judge james. This mistreated mamas boy says he received the rental run around. This loudmouth landlord disagrees, and this redeyed witness thinks its all a dream. Judge james is about to rule. Lets listen. Be seated. Its a good thing you guys dont live together, because you really dont get along. I think you can understand, mr. Devore, that without the ad, you really dont have any evidence. I will say, my primary concern here is for the welfare of campbell. Campbell, are you here under duress . No. Do you know what duress means . I do. I have reviewed the evidence, i rule in favor of the plaintiff, in the amount of 1,378. 68 minus one nights stay in mr. Devores den. Arrest everyone. [ laughter and applause ] all right, judge james has rendered his verdict. Both sides came out clean. Lets talk to the defendant. How you doing . Good, how are you . Judge said you failed to produce evidence of a previous ad. What do you think . Well, he ran it, but sorry we couldnt show judge james what he needed to see. Campbell, earlier you said you were not living in his place under duress. You want to blink twice if youre in trouble . [ laughter ] all right, well take that up with the authorities. On the next judge james what is the purpose of this meditation shrine . To meditate on. Youre very picky for a guy who doesnt button his shirt, ill tell you that. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy one more thing. It is thursday night, which means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. Whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. Three days after an explosive claim by President Trump that president obama bleep his [ bleep ] during the campaign. I have lost hope completely and my mind is closed. This presidency is fake and [ bleep ]. Mark, your thoughts . I know you always [ bleep ] me, but do you ever [ bleep ] . Never, ever. Its not the fire in your belly anymore. You have to have the [ bleeped ] in your throat. Just to swallow so much. I want to [ bleep ] President Trump. I want to [ bleep ] Vice President pence. And i want to [ bleep ] secretary price. Good to see you. Are you going to [ bleep ] this weekend . That would be no. I had barbecue with your mom. So have i. I [ bleep ] your dog, bro. I [ bleep ] your dog. Ive had so many [ bleep ]. Its hard to keep track of all 135 of them and counting. Jimmy happy birthday, barbie. Guillermo . What Jimmy Guillermo . I appreciate you trying to open it, but the moment has passed. If this would have happened in bed if i were in bed, i wouldnt have all this jimmy you dont wear mittens when you make love . No way jimmy wow orc the things we learn about each other working together. Tonight on the show, Gillian Jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is here,and well be right back with Tim Hiddleston so stick around. vo love. I got it. I gotcha baby. vo its being there when youre needed most. Love is knowing. 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Load up your shed with scotts and miraclegro. Its time to get outside. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight, from the very funny show love, which can be bingewatched or consumed in moderation on netflix, Gillian Jacobs is here. Then, she is a comedian, you can see her live may 18th through the 20th at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas, sam jay is here. Next week, we have a great show next week. Next week, bachelor nick and his mystery bride to be, or not, we dont know what happened on monday night after the finale on our show. Dax shepard will be here, matthew perry, tim allen, milo ventimiglia, michael pena, chef thomas keller, paul shaffer featuring jenny lewis and shaggy. A mashup monday with okay go and the go goes and our announcer Dicky Barrett brings boston to los angeles as the mighty mighty bostones. Dicky, are you ready . Dicky id better phone the lads. Jimmy you better. And i have to practice on my clarinet. Because im going to be playing with you. And cleto, i looked at the notes, and they were too high. Very low masculine notes, okay . Yes. Jimmy okay, very good. Our first guest tonight still in the jacket . Yeah, its too cold. Jimmy our first guest tonight is the god of thunders brother, who is about to share a screen with the worlds most famous primate, kong skull island opens in theaters tomorrow. Please welcome Tom Hiddleston [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you look very nice. So do you, sir. Jimmy so you had the big kong premiere last night here right across the street from us. Right across the street. Jimmy did you stay and watch the movie with the audience . I did, yeah. First time ive seen it with a big crowd. Jimmy that was your first time . Yeah. Jimmy and thats fun, isnt it . Especially a film like this, which is a roller coaster ride, and you get to hear people jump and gasp and throw popcorn in the air. Its really fun. You dont get that on set. Jimmy you know this, i dont know if people know this, but a lot of times the actors when they go to the premiere, they pretend to be going to the movie and they go down the red carpet and they go in the door and they sneak out the back and they dont see their movie. And i never understand that, because thats supposed to be thats the point of doing the movie. Thats true. To turn up and watch it. Jimmy you had a premiere in mexico last week . Last weekend. It was great. Jimmy this is interesting. I want to ask you about this. Here you are in sombrero. [ laughter ] my first question is, did you travel with the sombrero, or was that something that was given to you when you got to mexico . No, so there was a big premiere and thousands of fans who turned out to say hi. And then in the middle of on the red carpet, Somebody Just this sombrero, which i thought was a huge honor. Jimmy and you just said, hey, im going to put it on. Yeah. And then, i worked with guillermo dell toro. Jimmy oh, yes. From crimson peak, and they love him. And then they sang me a song. Guillermo, can you help me out . They sang me this song called jimmy who did . The mexican fans. I put the sombrero on and they all started singing. Its called el yeah. Do you know what that is . Yes. Its the night sky. We can sing it together if you want. Jimmy oh, that would be beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know the words. Jimmy this should be lovely. I dont know the words to this. Is that the tune . No, thats the way jimmy thats as close as he gets. [ singing in spanish ] Jimmy Guillermo, you gotta sing into the microphone. [ laughter ] thats kind of why its there. Oh, forget it. Go back over there. [ applause ] you practice next time. We will. I have something to tell you in spanish. [ speaking spanish ]. Exacta. Muy trabajo. Which is, i havent forgotten the gorilla suit. [ laughter ] because the last time i was here, i was in a gorilla suit. Jimmy youre gorillathemed in general. Is king kong a gorilla or an ape . Do you know, i dont know that actually. I feel like hes an ape. Jimmy yeah, they do say ape. I called him a monkey once and it didnt go down well on twitter. Jimmy oh, yeah, people get very specific about that sort of thing. They love when youre wrong. Do you speak other languages . I mean, your spanish was shaky. [ laughter ] i speak a little french. Jimmy oh, you do . Okay. But only because ive worked there a lot. Jimmy i see. So i studied it a bit in school. Jimmy did you go to boarding school . Yeah. Jimmy its not such a big thing here, boarding school. If youre bad, you go to boarding school here. Your parents have had enough of you. Maybe the same is true in the uk and i just didnt know. Jimmy was it an allboys school . Yeah, it was. It was kinda mixed and then it was all boys in the teenage years. Jimmy i see. Just when you want it to not be all boys. Yeah. I always say boarding school is like a mixture of harry potter and the great escape. Jimmy okay. Without the magic or the second world war. Jimmy but with the broomsticks. Plenty of broomsticks. But the friends i made are close to this day. Jimmy yeah, right. Because youre lumped in there together and you try to think of crazy things to do. I remember, i was 8 or 9, and youre in dormitories of ten boys. And youre all kids. So its like, what are we going to do tonight . Were going to dorm raid. Which means, you get your pillows, after lights out, get the end of the pillow at the end of the pillow case. Make it a kind of club and go and start a huge pillow fight with the next door dormitory. And the winner is determined by how many pillows you destroy. Basically. Jimmy i see. You want to destroy your own pillow . You just want there to be feathers everywhere and jimmy bleeding . Preferably. You never forget those. Jimmy boys are the worst. You shouldnt put a bunch of 8, 9yearold boys together. It turns into lord of the flies immediately. Right . Jimmy youre lucky to be alive, you really are. Kind of a good description of kong skull island. Jimmy were going to take a break and well see a clip when we come back. Tom hiddleston is here. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] they dont. Tect what stop, stop, stop sorry. You make it sense whats coming. Watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Hey steve check out this guys leg. Yeah looks like a real nasty moving back in with his parents. What . No. I just broke my leg. No, this is a full blown move in to the basement, youre gonna be out of work without that money from. Aflac you might miss your rent. Aww i just moved out. Bummer man. Hey i used to have my own place. Yeah . No, no i live with my mom, but its cool. 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Oralb crossaction is clinically proven to. Remove more plaque than sonicare diamondclean. My mouth feels so clean. Ill only use an oralb the 1 brand used by dentists worldwide. Oralb. Brush like a pro. When shes ten feet tall [ speaking Foreign Language ] now theres a man worth talking to. Jimmy that is Tom Hiddleston in kong skull island. Thats what i was talking about. Why wouldnt you want to see that . Why wouldnt you want everyone to witness that . If i had shot anything like that, id watch it on a continuous loop. People coming into your house, would you like a cup of tea, and jimmy and yeah, hey, theres me, look at that. So you guys shot this in hawaii. Australia was another of the places. Brie larson was here last night. Why have a weekend when you can have a breekend . Jimmy you went on them . Yes. We went gocarting and im terrible at it. Just really slow. Jimmy that surprises me. Safety first. Jimmy a lot of go karting is if you get the bad car. You have to scout the cars beforehand. Well, maybe. One thing i did, i learned to surf. Jimmy in hawaii . Id never been surfing before, and i was like, if you go to hawaii for nine weeks, i should learn how to surf. Jimmy did you get up . I did. Jimmy did you have a guy teaching you . I did, yeah. Jimmy did it make you feel like a child . [ laughter ] just being taught how to do stuff. Jimmy learning things at a certain age, its a little bit emasculating. Thats true. Jimmy did he hold your back and stuff like that . Well, the most emasculating and humiliating aspect of it, because its all about the paddling, as anyone surfing will know. Youre out there thinking, it, youre paddling away and you get up on the board and youre overjoyed and youre like, did i get the paddling right . I was behind you giving you a push. [ laughter ] jimmy the best thing abouting this whole movie deal, they put a wax figure of you in madam tussauds wax museum. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy what do you think about it . I think its a very good likeness of you. Do you feel in this particular form, it looks a little small. Jimmy this is not actual size, tom. I mean, look, its amazing. Jimmy it is crazy, right . I havent come facetoface with it. Jimmy oh, you havent seen it in real life . No. Jimmy you gotta get this for your house when theyre done with it. I feel like its back to the future when marty mcfly comes facetoface with the other version of him from another time. Jimmy why not . Whats wrong with that . Call the pizza guy and that would be hilarious. Just leave him standing up. Maybe i can get the kong head as well. Jimmy yeah, you could have the whole museum for yourself. When i became an actor, i never thought thats something that would happen. Jimmy that never occurred to you . No. Jimmy and it did. There must be a wax work of you. Jimmy i am my own wax figure. Youre now an animator, theres like a cog in your jimmy yes, im at home right now sleeping. [ laughter ] Tom Hiddleston kong skull island opens in theaters tomorrow. Well be right back with Gillian Jacobs. [ cheers and applause ]. Nobody does unlimited like tmobile. While the other guys gouge for unlimited data. Tmobile one save you hundreds a year. Right now get two lines of data for 100 dollars. With taxes and fees included. Thats right 2 unlimited lines for just 100 bucks. All in. And right now, pair up those two lines with two free Samsung Galaxy s7 when you switch. Yup free. So switch and save hundreds when you go all unlimited with tmobile. Test test introducing the all new brita stream. Because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. Where the adventure, capability and versatility will last. But the offers. Will not. Experience our most elevated suvs ever with the lx, gx, rx, and nx at the lexus command performance sales event. But dont wait. This event ends march 31st. Get up to 2,500 customer cash on select 2017 models for these terms. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. Hows this for a tv show . Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prep cook by night. No. Here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. I heard superheroes read chucks norris comics. D you. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Do you think hes still got it . I bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. Youre on hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor thats close to home is easy. So what happened . I had lunch with chuck norris. Unitedhealthcare. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. You know our next guest from community, from girls, and now she has her own show. Its called love, season two is available now on netflix. Please say hello to Gillian Jacobs [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im doing well. I heard you just had a foot surgery. But you seem to be your speed is good. Youre wearing heels. I was practicing masking my slight limp for you tonight. Jimmy do you mask a limp, or do you exacerbate the limp . Because sometimes its fun to go with it. If i had more panache as a person, i feel like i could exaggerate it, but im kind of a dork so i have to masque. Jimmy you were on crutches for a while . I was on crutches. Jimmy what happened, exactly . I discovered a lump underneath my toe. And because i watch a lot of dr. Pimple popper online jimmy yes, i watch that. Yeah, right . Dr. Sandra lee. Shes really great. I knew it was a cyst because it was mobile under the skin. Jimmy is that the determination . That means its a cyst. So i went to the podiatrist and i said, i think i have a cyst because its mobile under the skin. And they looked at me. I was like, is that right. Actually it is. He said i had to have surgery on it. And then he said, you also have a bunion and its time for you to get custom orthotics. Jimmy oh, no. Its been coming my whole life. I knew it. Jimmy why did you know it . My mother and my grandmother, if you saw their feet, you knew its coming. My poor mother, i say such terrible things about her on talk shows, but she doesnt have great feet. Jimmy whats true is true. Im so sorry, mom, ive done it to you once again. Jimmy do people ask her to see the feet . Now they will. The last time i was here, you showed a video of me harassing my mother and asking her why she named me gillian and not jillian. Now everybodys like i saw you on jimmy kimmel. But it was bad because i only showed one of her eyes in the video. So she looked like she was my hostage. So my poor mom. [ laughter ] jimmy you inherited the feet, its her fault. I get to make fun of her on national television. Jimmy so theyre okay now . Thats all fine. Jimmy what kind of orthotic shoes are you going to get . Because they have some really nice ones. Really . Jimmy have you seen the ones that are mauve with a big velcro flap that goes over them . You could start a thing. I have to tell you, he gave me a list of two shoes that i should buy. Jimmy thats not on the list, by the way. Thats two. A shoe and an option. I went home. I googled them, i showed them to my boyfriend, and hes like, i cant, i cant. Its out. Jimmy what are you going to do . I think i might get the clogs that chefs wear. Have you seen those . Jimmy yeah, thats a good idea. You wear them . When im cooking. But nobody likes them. Its not like, hey, that looks cool. Whats going on, oh, i use them when i cook. Chef keller looks good in them. Jimmy he does. Mario batali has them. He has crocs. Its not that dire. Jimmy if it does, maybe amputate, thats probably the best way to go. Second season of your show comes out right now on netflix. Right now at midnight which is perfect, because my wife and i just finished watching the whole first season last weekend. I enjoy watching it. You play a character who has a lot of issues, maybe not problems. Problems. Problems. Lets jimmy go through some of her problems. All right, lets. Shes an alcoholic. Jimmy yes. Shes a drug addict. She has poor impulse control. She is a slacker at work, and shes a sex and love addict. Is that enough . Jimmy she also has maybe rage issues as well. Definitely. She acts out. I tip a lot of things over in the Second Season. Jimmy oh, in the Second Season . Oh, yeah. I think at one point i knock over a rack of childrens tuxedos. So a lot to look forward to. Jimmy and who is your costar in this show . Paul west, who is also one of the creators of the show. Jimmy hes a nerd. Yes. Jimmy like a fullout nerd. I was telling one of the nerds who work in the office, this guy paul is such a nerd that our nerd could play him in the movie version of pauls life. Like hes more of a nerd than regular nerds. You know what im saying . Hes a super nerd. Jimmy hes a super nerd. Hes very funny. I feel like ive just insulted him now. Hes not here. Its okay, paul. Jimmy paul and your mother are going to be upset after this show. Paul and my mother are enraged. Jimmy and you dont drink or anything . Into, ive never drank in my entire life. Ive never had a drop of alcohol. Never done a drug in my life. When i had this surgery, it was a minor surgery, i came out and the nurse was like, heres your oxycontin. And im like, ive never even had a vicodin, i cant take this. She was like, take it, its fine. Im like, this is how problems start. Straightup pill of oxy. Jimmy did you take it . No, im holding. Some of my friends were way too excited about this. Jimmy right now, somebodys kicking in your front door at home. I think i gotta flush it for everyones sake. Jimmy maybe not flush it. Because, you know, then its in the water. Youre right. I never thought about that. The fish are going to get so high. Jimmy throw it in the gold fish bowl. Its very good to see you. The show is very fun. Season two of love is available right now on netflix, Gillian Jacobs, everybody well be right back with sam jay. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Our next guest is a very funny person who you can see performing at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas may 18th through the 20th. Please welcome sam jay [ cheers and applause ] yeah. What is going on, guys . Man, this is truly amazing, dude. They have a room back there for me, my name is on the door. I took a bunch of poses in front of it for instagram. Bunch of hash tags, like step up your game, get your money together. Im feeling so good. I got a hundred likes on the pictures, so this doesnt really matter right now. This could go either way. [ laughter and applause ] thats where im at, be yourself, live in your moment, embrace your stereotypes. Stop being people that shun stereotypes. Stereotypes are the best thing because they can help you man, if you play them up right. Like people think black people are hostile. I use that to my advantage all the time. I ride the bus and the train, i blast music out my headphones, i look left and right real crazy while i do it. I bark every once in a while. No white people sit next to me for miles on the bus or the train. Its the most peaceful ride of my life, because i dont got to deal with your boogie boards and sailboats, silly stuff you bring on public transportation. Its 9 30 in the morning. Is that a canoe. What is this dude doing . We think all asians know karate. If you dont know, asianman, throw up a leg, get out a jam. White women, you guys cry and get whatever you want. Beautiful. Its so dope. I wish people cared when i cried. Id do it more often. No one cares, man. Because as a black woman, im still doing that oppression, we shall overcome cry, where you get all stiff and the one tear rolls down. And you dont know if shes holding in a fart or crying. Or whats going on. When white women cry yall break down, your bodies go limp, your hair goes everywhere. Its like, she needs help, right here its amazing, dude. Because when you embrace your thing, you can use it to help other people. Thats the beauty of it. I was at a comedy festival, hanging out with my home boy, we automatically looked suspicious because he is a man. I look like a man. Were both black. And we smell like weed. We were smoking weed, okay . So im trying to hide it. Dunking and dodging security. This white lady walked up, she said, i would love to smoke with you. I would even light a cigarette to mask the smell, if you would let me. I feel like we acquired white woman shield. You are now invisible to cops, security and other otherwise nosey white folks. [ laughter and applause ] thank you. And thats where were at, man. We want to be a better country. I was on the cruise when i found out trump was the president. I was on this cruise. We were in the bahamas. And people were like, were never coming back and im like, thats not how cruises work. Were coming back. But it was a boat divided. As soon as the Election Results came in, there were people that were happy, i understood. People that were sad, i understood. Youre sad your guy lost. Youre happy your guy won. But there was one lady that was confused, she was pissing me off. She kept saying, how could this happen in america . We were so ready for a female president. I was like, really . A year ago we werent even ready for female ghost busters. And thats not even a real job. You cant do that. I dont know how ready we were, lady. Chill out. [ laughter and applause ] but i think as liberals, we should have been better, we should have been nicer to old white men. Im saying it. Nicer to old white dudes. We been a bully to old white dudes. We cant accept the win. We won. Liberals we won. Even with trump, we won. Theres glutenfree every applebees. We won. Its over. We dont got to be abusive. Hey, old white dude, hey, you dummy, you were bad to blacks, you were bad to gays, and you were bad to women. You smoked on planes. You idiot. From now on, guys are going to kiss guys on street and bacon kills you. Shut up, i dont want to hear your thoughts. Shouldnt do that to people. But white people contributed to society. Not just the bad. Slavery, bad. Everything they did to black people after slavery, bad. But airplanes, dope airplanes are undeniably cool, man. Thats a white guy way of thinking. No one else would have come up with that. We au want to be one with society. White guys got this weird need to dominate and dominate huge. Only a white guy looked in the sky, saw a bird and was like, i should be able to do that, why not me . Hey, yall have been phenomenal. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy very funny. Thank you. Jimmy sam jay id like to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon. Nightline is next. Goodnight [ cheers and applause ] goodnight [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. This is nightline. Tonight, the family manson. Callying never before aired footage of the notorious psychotic cult leader. How you doing. How he convinced young women to kill in his name. I felt nothing. I felt absolutely nothing for her. As she begged for her life and for the life of her baby. Reporter telling their stories from behind bars. I stabbed mrs. La buy and ca in the lower body about 16 times. Will they ever see the light of day . Plus, snow guts, snow glory. The youngest olympic slalom gold medal ist in history. Michaela schifrin is just getting started. It doesnt feel like im doing something special. On the slopes with the star and her coaching star. She