Larry Larry Larry Larry gracias, gracias, thank you very much. Feliz Cinco De Mayo yeeeaaah cheers and applause im celebratin con this burrito grande larry, stop it. Larry grace parra, everybody yes, hello, hi. Larry hey, grace happy mexican july 4th oh, my god, larry its not mexicos independence day. Cinco de mayo honors mexicos unexpected victory over the french at the battle of puebla in 1862. Larry yay cheers and applause mexico beat the french wooo until the french returned a year later and beat the bleep out of mexico lakes of blood, corpses everywhere. Larry oh, okay. Yeah. Larry all right, maybe ill just have a margarita cheers and applause even though Cinco De Mayo was invented by Beer Companies to sell their swill to spanish speakers. But, hey, if you want to exploit our culture just for an excuse to drink, knock yourself out. Larry grace parra, everybody its parrrra larry get out you of here. All right, fine. Okay, that was a slightly inappropriate celebration. I wonder who else could have had an inappropriate celebration of Cinco De Mayo. Mr. Trump just a few minutes ago tweeted from his desk at trump tower, happy Cinco De Mayo. The best taco bowls are made in trump tower grill. I love hispanics. And there is a picture of him eating a taco bowl, it looks like. Larry my compliments to the drugdealing rapist who made this taco bowl excuse me, excuse me. It is fantastic. laughter applause so yesterday or quatro de mayo, as its known in casa wilmore president obama visited flint, michigan, amid the citys ongoing water crisis. Hes hearing firsthand about residents, how theyre coping with the citys toxic water crisis, and he will meet with the 8yearold little girl whose letter prompted his visit. Larry oh, man, thats very sweet. But what really got the president s attention was what was written at the bottom of the little girls note. P. S. , i had to write this letter myself because after my mom washed her hands, the crazy poison water melted her fingers off. I know. That was horrible, horrible. So embattled michigan Governor Rick Snyder took the stage at Northwestern High school, prior to the president. We have a shortterm water crisis that needs to be repaired. Audience boo larry man. Last time i heard an audience boo like that, it followed the announcement, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the bacon brothers. That must feel awful, being booed by a group of people who disagree with every word youre saying, when all youre doing is standing at a podium, you know, just trying to drop some science. laughter applause call me if you need someone to talk to, governor snyder. Im just kidding. Dont call me. But to his credit, obama helped calm residents fears by sampling some of the water. And, uh, this used, uh, a filter. Larry it had to use a filter. Hes the president of the united states. I mean, i get the optics, but you cant take any chances. Check out what happened when moments earlier when a flint official sampled unfiltered water. Larry he chose poorly. He did. Gotta be careful. Thats all im saying. Did the right thing. But flint is not the only place in michigan thats having some problems. The detroit Public Schools also have a bad taste in their mouth, but for a different reason. Union leaders telling Detroit Public School teachers to go back to their classrooms after two days of sickouts. Our School System is falling apart. Detroit schools include buildings in major disrepair, some infested with mold and rodents. Larry infested with mold and rodents . Its a public school, not Spirit Airlines laughter applause what were they thinking . But to be fair, the kids are learning something not to be a teacher in a Detroit School. Teachers were worried they would not get paid because of the Detroit School districts financial problems. Larry thats terrible. Does nobody see the solution . Get the mold and rodents to teach class the free ride is over, guys but, seriously, who would you pick to run the School System, the same guy who screwed up the water in flint . This is Darnell Earley. He was emergency manager in flint when the city switched water sources and then emegency manager in detroit Public Schools. Larry you have to be bleep kidding me i was just joking. Whats the thinking there . You cant shuffle a Public Servant whos ruined childrens lives from sweet gig to sweet gig. Its detroit, not the Catholic Church catholic . Sorry. True. applause Darnell Earley has since resigned from this position. I hear hes now working on the Trump Campaign as their secretary of mismanagement. laughter but, now, detroit isnt the only place where our Public Education system is coming up short. In tennessee, an educator was suspended when her class was watching the film Human Centipede 2. For those of you not currently binging the Human Centipede franchise, Human Centipede 2 get ready is about depraved german scientists sewing a bunch of peoples butts to other peoples mouths. I know, i know. Its true. I dont understand this at all. To me, watching Human Centipede in high school is like algebra once you get out of high school, youre never going to use it again. Right . Just me . laughter did i lose the room again . Now, tennessee also is a state that keeps trying to pass abstinenceonly education. I dont konw, maybe the goal here was to make 9th and 10th graders never want to see a naked body again. And you cant talk about failing schools without talking about texas. Whats happening at Energy Institute high school in this secondyear french class does your teacher speak french . No, sir. Have you ever heard him speak a word of french . Bonjour, but Everybody Knows that. laughter applause . Larry bleep , man. Seriously a teacher should know more french than that just by being an adult in the world oui means yes. Merci means thank you. And beyonce means, if you cheat on me again, i will castrate you. laughter applause but, seriously, why doesnt this teacher know the subject hes teaching . So why was he hired . To replace this man, jean cius, a certified french teacher for more than 25 years. Cius was sent to another h. I. S. D. Campus where he says he was assigned to monitor the hauls. I feel so bad for the taxpayers because theyre paying me for not doing anything at all. Wait, the taxpayers are paying you for doing nothing at all . You know, we have a name for that. Its called congress. Yeah, i said it i said it i said it applause ill tell you, the last few stories make me feel as though our schools are failing our kids. Well, this next one makes me feel like our kids are going to be okay. Police say hunter cory osborne exposed his privates while posing for the team picture. It wound up in the yearbook and in the team program, which was sold at games. laughter larry now, i know what youre thinking i think what youre thinking. Larry, was it just the turtle peeking out or did he hang a brain . Which one did he do . I dont have the answer to that, but what puts this kids penis prank in the nightly show hall of fame is this little development. Now, based on the number of people nearby when the photo was taken, osborne was booked on 69 counts of misdemeanor indecent exposure. Larry yes yes 69 counts of misdemeanor indecent exposure 69. Well done, sir you did it, hunter cory osborne, you took yearbook penis pranks to the next level, my friend, and for that, the nightly show salutes you. Thats our schools, america be proud and happy Cinco De Mayo, everybody well be right back. Start boldly with the apple that bites back. Redds wicked apple. Also available in mango and black cherry. Can you say i love it . Oh love it . Can you say hey . Hey thats the spirit oooooh. Ooh ooh wooh ooh wooh ooh sing sing, baby baby i love you. Oh yes. Ooooh oooh. Every little thing. Daddy doing work,d ooooh oooh. Its funny that ive been in the news for being a dad. Windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. School, grocery shopping. My face can unlock this computer. Thats crazy. Macbooks are not able to do that. Hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon i need that in my world. Anything that makes my life easier, im using. And windows is doing that. I would like three two is standard. Im not standard. Three weeks. Ok. We need to be ready for my names Scott Strenfel and r im a meteorologist at pg e. We make sure that our crews as well as our customers are prepared to how weather may impact their energy. So every single day were monitoring the weather, and when storm events arise our forecast get crews out ahead of the storm to minimize any outages. During storm season we want our customers to be ready and stay safe. Learn how you can be prepared at pge. Com beprepared. Together, were building a better california. Larry welcome back. Earlier, we were discussing the problems plaguing american high schools, but Higher Education has its own issues. Georgetown university is dealing with the reprecussions of its past specifically, its legacy of slave trading. In 1838, Georgetown University sold 272 slaves to help pay off some of its debts. The 272 slaves, donated to the Catholic University by wealthy parishioners, earned georgetown the equivalent of 3. 3 million. Larry 3. 3 million in for 272 slaves . Thats around 12,000 per person, meaning in 1838, black life was worth less than a used mitsubishi mirage. Not even a ford fiesta . Seriously . Heres the question does modernday Georgetown University have a responsibility to take care of the descendants of the slaves whose sale essentially saved it from going under . A lot of thorny issues here, so lets talk to our resident black egghead, felonious munk. Felonious, should georgetown do something for the greatgreatgreatgrandchildren of these slaves . Well, brother larry, when one be it institution or singular corporus partake in the odious reprobation that is tenancy over anothers very anima, an ovule is sown in gaias breast that burgeons not only in the immediate, but for an unknowable epoch thereafter. laughter larry right, right, okay. So youre saying were still feeling slaverys effects today. Be you a parrot . laughter for that is what i just said. Larry oh, totally. Im just clearing it up for the audience. I get it, but what about the fact that the New York Times says georgetown should set up scholarships for the descendants of all these slaves . If georgetowns halls of academe found salvation in the traffickment of their fellows in the brotherhood of man, then there be a blot upon each certificate endowed therein. And until amendment is made, no esteem can be lent to its conferment. laughter so youre saying some form of repar ahahah. That vocable remains unuttered in our colloquy. laughter larry right, colloquy. Sorry about that. My bad. But, still, this seems like a clearcut case where reparat and yet, you recapitulate with that word your unceasing constancy would be risible if it werent so temerarious laughter larry im just trying to say reparations. One must be disposed for ferment and tumult when the notion finds itself conjected aloud. Larry wait, you just dont want me to say reparations because it freaks people out right . I plaintively beg that you preclude further use of the r word, brother larry. When one invokes compulsory fiduciary redress using that appellation, the anglohominidae feels awakened within the primal, ominous presentiment. Larry are you saying white people get scared . Yo, white people flip the bleep out if you say reparations, brother larry. Larry i understand that upon i understand that. Okay, so if were not calling them reparations, then what . I propose an idiom of equal meaning possessing of less enmity in its associations, something akin to compaymensement. Yeah, georgetown should pay a hefty compaymensement to every descendant it can. Larry but why not just say reparations . You just made up a fancy sounding word to distract from what youre actually saying. Uh, yeah, larry. Thats kind of my whole deal. Larry oh, right. Felonious munk, everyone well be right back. If right twix® is going to be over there cascading caramel on cookie all night, well be over here flowing caramel on cookie. Wouldnt it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late . all laughing theyre not that stupid. Try both. Pick a side. Twix®. Start boldly with the [ apple that bites back. Redds wicked apple. Its about to get wicked. Whenever im around you i go home a little bit theres just something about you where the pieces all fit theres a lightness that surrounds you and it guides me like a star oh i am, who i am because you are, who you are larry welcome back. In honor of our special guest tonight, were going to do things a little differently. Were going full ken burns. I was born in st. Croix, where i used to use coffee filters as a baseball mitt. I still cant believe that im on tv. Mark yard, contributor on nightly show. cheers and applause i started off in the Minor Leagues of community theater, never thought id make it to the major league as a contributor on the nightly show, holly walker. And im the one who came up with this old timey filter and panning move everyone is oversing, awardwinning documentary filmmaker and producerux ken burns. And for everyone at home, join our conversation nightly using the hashtag tonightly. Ken, im so glad youre here. Im a huge fan. By the way, your latest documentary about the great Jacque Robinson is amazing. Thank you. Larry well, tonight, i wanted to talk about baseball because theres been a change in baseball. Huge. Larry over the past 20 years or so, it may have started before this, especially with american black baseball players. Now, the number of american black players has gone from about 20 in the 1980s to just about 8 today. That would have surprised Jacque Robinson. Why do you think that is . I think ill look tat as the glass is half full. There are many more opportunities for African Americans who dominate the National Football league and completely dominate the n. B. A. Lets remember, Jacque Robinson, when he broke the color line broke it for all people of color, which meant the latin players who now dominate baseball are also people of color. And they didnt get in unless genetic had gone through that door and suffered all of that. Larry they the president took some bawrpz out and mrs. Robinson, to cuba when he visited there. Larry mike, do you have a sense . Follow me on this one. I play Michael Jordan. Larry what . Michael jordan came into the league in 1984, right . Larry right. Black participation in baseball started declining in the 80s. It was at its highest in the 80ys. Larry thats interesting. When Michael Jordan came in, thats when it started to go down. Larry it might have been michael jackson, too. But im going to go with Michael Jordan. After he tried to play baseball in 94 and he stunk, black kid were like, since Michael Jordan cant play, im not playing. Larry first time a yard conspiracy. Do you feel the game is too elitist right now . Its expensive for kids to play. Its incredibly expensive because a lot of kids have to go to travel ball, and so i think its expensive to get into travel ball. Its expensive to go to the games. And its really expensive to drink those 10, 15 beers i drink every time i go to the game. Its incredibly expensive, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. Its pretty pricy to play baseball. But, come on, kids in the Dominican Republic play baseball with milk cartons. Its not that expensive. If you can find an old milk carton. But here in the united states, a lot of kids go through travel ball and you have to spend thousands of dollars not only in fees but disprorgz hotel rooms. Larry and if some of the kids go missing have to put them on the milk carton. I dont think its an elitist sport. I think anybody can play baseball. Larry but it used to be americas sport. Thats something that comes across so clearly. Its clearly not an american sport anymore, right . I still think its the greatest game thats ever been invented. applause its the only game in which the defense has the ball. The only game in which theres no team sport where theres no clock and it isnt the ball or the puck or whatever that crosses its the man who crosses it. Larry yeah. Its a really great sport in that way. But when jacque came up, there was just in and maybe College Football buzzing around, and now we have all these different competitions which is okay, but still theres nothing better. Larry i love George Carlins routine in football, theres a down, a first bomb. And you throw a bomb in a blitzkrieg to get in the end zone. In baseball, im up. And the object is, come home. It is a beautiful thing about baseball. Anybody can play. You dont have to knit fitany kind of physical exactly. You can be short, fat, one arm. Look at jim abbott. He threw a nohitter with one arm in a professional sport. Lets turn that thing on. That Michael Jordan, who is arguably the greatest basketball player in the history of the universe, couldnt larry im sorry, i apologize. I apologize. He couldnt hit a buck80 in baseball. That tells you in baseball hiding a cow hide coming at 100 miles an hour is still the hardest thing to do in sports. Larry but golf is even harder and the balls not moving at all. Different skill sets. All those guys have pretty good hands. I love baseball because what do you love about it the most . Well, there are a ton of things, but whenever i played softball and played baseball now well, softball now, i have to turn off my mind to Everything Else and focus on the game or i could be hit in the forehead with a softball. Like, i have and that has happened. Happened. Larry do you think our Attention Spans are too its a problem, man. We live in a short Attention Span world. I dont know. You dont think so . No, no, because everybody is saying mtv, youtube, has eroded our attention. But people watch my stuff. Its, like, 18 hours. Larry guilty, guilty. Absolutely. I watched it over and over. Well be right back. Belvita breakfast biscuits provide Steady Morning Energy whether you. Play it cool. Hows it going . Or dont play it cool. Youre attractive i just. I didnt mean to come on so. I. Wasnt coming on to you i actually have a boyfriend. Belvita. Because we can all use Steady Morning Energy. You know mom, i will change you. Change your body, and what you call love. Im going to make you think less about yourself. And more about those Little Things youve never noticed. Sometimes, i will turn your night into day. And for sure, i will mark you forever. But i promise mom, it will be the greatest journey of your life. Rated m mature. [ laser gunfire ] [ monster roar ] can i scream . Can i . Wooo [ gunfire ] [ monster roar ] [ explosion ] [ monster screams ] [ gunfire ] [ deep guttural roar ] [ monster roars ] larry thanks to my panelist mike yard, holly walker, the great ken burns, and special thanks to felonious munk for being here. Thanks for watching, you guys. Good nightly, everyone chris its 11 59 and 59 seconds. Happened on Kentucky Derby. Com. It run this weekend and its not only a great place to see horseys make fast bets as you lose your daughters education money, its also an excuse to dress like somebody you would kill with a machete during the purge. I was born in kentucky, i will say the ken Kentucky Derby is a proud, weird tradition, every year. As always, the horses have amazingly ridiculous names lik