Its a vibrator. Its a vibrator. [laughter] a lot of comedians at the end of their shows will sell cds and tshirts. Im selling a jeep. I learned a very valuable lesson the other day. Dont ever put a for sale sign with your phone number on a jeep and drive around. Because i get a phone call, are you selling a white jeep . Im like, yeah. You drive like an ass[bleep]. [laughter, cheers applause] yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Weve learned a lot tonight. Mostly that youre not my fans. Oh, like two people. Ah, we are. No, you guys have been a lot of fun. We learned a lot, didnt we . What did we learn . [applause] what did we learn . Some guy claps. We learned that violin players will stand up for others. [laughter and applause] tell you what i learned. I was in texas last week. Oh my god. They wear the tightest pants in the world in texas. Even the men have the camel toe, moose knuckle, whatever you want to call it. [ohs and applause] exactly. That is the way you should respond to that. They still wear belts with the tightest pants in the world. Youre like, hello, you dont need a belt with those pants there, fella. What you probably need is some ice. cause your left testicle shouldnt be here. You guys have been a lot of fun. I really appreciate your coming out. [cheers, whistles applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. Captioned by mccaptioning services www. Mccaption. Com from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon hey, welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our guest is Donnie Wahlberg going to be joining us later on the program on the. Lonnie anderson. Thats the woman i would be. applause if you can be any animal, if you can be any woman but nobody ever asked me are you satisfied with you . laughing a little bit of housekeeping. Last week we did a very clever bit on our program called 19th century news. Within the bit we had very witty fun concerning mississippis just recently ratifying the 13th amendment. Agreeing to end slavery, a mere 148 years after. After the rest of us. As many of you know, if i am bringing up something that we did on the show last week, im probably about to apologize for it. Maybe im apologizing to mississippi as painting it to some kind of reluctant entrant to modern morality. Yes, no. It concerns a former mississippi secretary of state who presided over a 1995 attempt to ratify the 13th amendment. It failed due to a bureaucratic snafu their former secretary of state failed to send a copy of the resolution to the federal registrar. Jon classic. Heres my impression of him mailing mississippis 13th amendment ratification to the federal registrar. So glad we did this. Thats really nice. Let me just put this in the mailbox. Oh, what fun let me explain what we did just there. We used the gentleman by the name of dick molfuss largely because his name was dick molfuss as an avitar for casual bigotry forgetting that perhaps dick molfuss is a real person with a real record on civil rights. You may be thinking to yourself, couldnt you just look that up . Yeah, we could have. Or, or we could have remained smugly satisfied with the funny name. We went with b mainly because i am a made 12yearold boy trapped in a 75yearold mans body. So as it turns out dick molfuss dont get tickled by the name, johnny boy it turns out dick molfuss has a long and distinguished record of speaking out for civil rights in mississippi. Hes an honorable and good man. Who in the 90s led the charge on big Voting Rights reforms there. In 1989 he spoke at a 25th anniversary memorial for the three civil rights activists murdered outside philadelphia mississippi during the summer, a speech that earned mr. Molpus death threats. Apparently bitter racists live longer than you would think. Anyway, we found out all this, id say, about a half hour after it aired on a thursday night i might add. Not the best night for us to make a mistake. Sincere apologies to mr. Molpus. He did not ask us for apologize. No one contacted us to complain. My guess is they dont even know were alive and are probably too busy trying to make a difference in this world, to care. We apologize because, well, we like to believe theres still a little dick molpus in all of us. cheers and applause and that even elitist pricks like me can sometimes still pick up that 3 00 a. M. Conscience wakeup call and that. music . That sounded pretty good, man. Whats next on the show . The commonwealth is preparing to repeal a 136yearold law that makes it illegal for unmarried virginian couples to live together. Jon damn you, south. Do not make me [bleep] on you. So youre saying virginias not really for lovers . Next youll tell me michigans not for bringing lemonade and condoms to someone who turns out to be nbcs. Well apologize tomorrow. I guess well find out when virginia passed that law in tonights episode of 19th century news. Hello, everybody. My most hes teemed viewers, tis i your humble host. My guest tonight florence nightingale. Shes written a new book on something called antiseptics and their role in fighting deadly infections on the irish. First the 1800s people. First, a brief word from our sponsor. When its friday night and you dont have to be anywhere til tuesday. Anyway, our top story tonight, virginia has banned living in sin. No longer shall unmarried men and women terrorize our good state with their privates behind closed doors relationship. In Technology News theres a brand new labor saving device on the market called chinese people. Chinese people because building a railroad is expensive. And hard. Wow. That show is something. Isnt it . We have come a long way in this country. I cannot believe we used to exploit Chinese Labor to build our technology. cheers and applause of course, that virginia no cohabitation law probably hasnt been enforced for 100 years it hasnt been enforced apparently since the 1990s when day care operator Darlene Davis had her business license held up because she was living with her man. Jon are you [bleep] kidding me . They had to be stopped . Most normal states would just be happy they found each other. Virginia, but this is only a start in virginias effort to stay current with the last century. The statue has been one of those lingering legal curiosities like the law against washing your mule on the sidewalk, no hunting on sundays and our famous antisodomy statute sniem your famous antisodomy statute . You talk about that the same way masons talked about their hot dogs. Virginia, come for the beaches. Stay because we incarcerated you forgetting a blow job. And this isnt the first victory for the state senator who spearheaded the repeal adam evan he has targeted old laws before i repealed the law against serving sangria about six years ago. Were working at them one at a time. Jon why is that guy so familiar . Wait a minute. Is that the same the same man of the sidewalk mule washer stand. Virginia, stop that man. Well be rightn9n9n9s0s0s0r qo 9 cheers and applause jon welcome back to the show. As you may know instead of steep budget cuts known as the sequester rapidly approaching is the subject of our new recurring segment. Congress passed and the president signed into law the sequester, 1. 2 trillion in automatic spending cuts over ten years that would kick in unless we came up with a cooperative deficit reduction plan. We put this into place because. Why did we do that again . When all sides agreed to the sequester a yearandahalf ago, those automatic acrosstheboard sending cuts, were supposed to be so painful it would force the president and congress to make a deal. Jon so what happens if this sequester kicks in . Just in time for Spring National parks like yosemite will see their services cut. Jon all right. I wasnt going there anyway. 700,000 civilian Defense Department workers to take one day off a week, a 20 pay cut. Jon as long as iran doesnt attack on a thursday, you know. Im sure it will be fine the sequester could devastate our economy. Fewer f. B. I. Agents kids kicked out of Child Care Program fewer air traffic controllers. Nearly 4 million could be slashed to provide males for needy shortages. In texas nearly 10,000 fewer children will receive vaccines for diseases like whooping cough and the flu. Jon holy [bleep]. Were doomed. Were going to have to get jobs feeding Sick Children to old people. Why did i only buy the hat . crying please tell me theres still time to fix things. This is the final countdown. We are just four days from the sequester deadline. Jon four days. Thats not enough time to do anything. Cant even tow a cruiseship of diarrhea to alabama in four days. Are they at least working hard on fixing this some lawmakers left town for a weeklong recess president obama played golf with tiger woods in florida last weekend sniem im sure tiger woods has a lot of sequester advice. I dont know, mr. President. Did you ever try hitting it with a club . I dont know. For more on the sequester we go to samantha bee in washington. The sequester is four days away. Were staring into the economic abyss. What is going on down there reporter nothing, jon. Everything will work out just fine. No need to panic. Not like were four days away from everything we know as the american way of life being destroyed. Which is why i have in no way spent the last eight hours having sex with literally everything that moves. Jon sam, i mean you really sound like the world is ending reporter thats right, jon. If you were smart youd be bucket listing too. Jon i want to bucket list. The president is bucket listing reporter golf with tiger woods . Before that, the miami heat . An afternoon with the ladies of modern family. You know the first ladys bucket listing too jon what is she bucket listing reporter the bangs, jon. Nobody over the age of 16 gets bangs unless they know the end is near. That is not all shes been up to. Dancing like beyonce with jimmy fallon. Giving away the oscar for best picture. Personally i would have gone with winning an oscar. You know, its on my list. Jon if this were true shouldnt they be warning the entire country about this reporter yeah because this administration is all about transparency. They want us to know everything. Benghazi, drones. That room in the white house basement that is full of biden clones. Jon biden clones . Forget it. What about the republicans . They have to know about this. Why arent they going bucket list crazy reporter you mean willfully blocking all the president s ideas. Come on, jon. He even went on a state of the union dream date with ted nugent. That is their bucket list. They just havent updated it in half a century. Getting their baseball gloves signed by herman killbrew is still on there jon that wont happen. Just out of curiosity whats next on your bucket list reporter not talking to you, thats for sure. If you excuse me i am off to shoot a panda with a cross bow. Jon your dying dream is to kill a panda reporter no, jon. Its to eat one. You have to kill it first. Jon all right. Thank you, sam. Well be right back after cheers and applause jon welcome back. My guest tonight stars on cbss blue blood. Also the executive producer of tnts new reality show about Bostons Police officers called bostons finest i dont want to get up at 5 00 in the morning and go to boxing. I think of being in a foot chase and losing. Theres the chance youll be fighting for your life on the side of the road where your backup is a minute away. I have to stay on top of my game. It could save my life. It could save my partners life. Dig it in. Dig it in. Thats a tremendous amount of responsibility that i take very seriously. Jon please welcome Donnie Wahlberg. cheers and applause my man. Look at you. Sharp as a tack, my friend. Sharp as a tack. How are you . Im good. I felt the need to dress up tonight jon can i tell you something . Much respect to you. Many of our guests come here and they believe its the last stop, the qaboos. They come in with like a sack, a thing. They dont care. You, sir, i care jon thank you i care jon i appreciate that. Now, youre playing a new york city cop on your show. Youre doing a show about boston cops. I feel like you are getting ready to pull some [bleep] on the east coast. I think ive been already pulling some [bleep] on the east coast for the last few years. Playing a new york cop and being from boston is very, very delicate. Its very delicate. And the writers on blue blood, you know, they love to needle me because they know im a celtics, red sox, bruins, patriots fan. Jon thats all the time we have for tonight. Thank you for being here though. But, you know, they write lines for me like the patriots suck. Jon just to taunt you my partner was date ago guy who was a patriots fan. My only response was dump the jerk. They constantly are needling me besides the fact that the patriots lost the super bowl and they had to come back from the super bowl trying to everyone on set putting posters on my dressing room door and giants banners everywhere and pictures of Eli Manning Jon i have that in my room too but its different. I have a bed spread of him. It makes me feel comfortable. Youve had your run though. Boston has had, you know, youre dealing in our city we dont want to talk sports all of them. The rangers we have one championship in 90 years. The knicks had a couple in the 70s. Im a mets fan scratterred applause n jon that is the appropriate level of enthusiasm. If its any consolation when the mets last won it was against my red sox in that very famous bill buckner play. We shouldnt talk sports. I have to say this bill buckner thing. Let me clear this up. Bill buckner when he missed that ball the game was already tied. It had slipped away. Our bullpen was tired. Slipping away. The play before that, bob stanley was pitching jon they never should have brought stanley in i believed stanley would win it for us. Jon of course you would believe that. Youre from boston i still wake up some mornings and say, did wexd lose . But bob stanley threw an inside pitch. Rich gedman didnt move enough for them. That was the play, the fastball tied the game. I saw rich in interviews later. I love you, rich. He said, i was so cold in that last inning that i couldnt really move. I was kind of stuck frozen. To me that was validation that he didnt get to that ball that bill stanley threw. Jon a boston guy and it must have been 50 degrees that night. I cant believe. I was too cold . It was october. They didnt play in antarctica. Come on heres the thing. The mets won. And all that suffering we went through led us up to 2004 when we kicked the yankees ass. Jon the detail in which you remember that is the same as the detail in which i remember these things. My wife, whom i love and ive been with almost 20 years, there is nothing in our world that i have that level of detail remembrance of. Like shed be like remember our wedding . Id be like, oh, yeah, there was a cake. When youre talking about baseball. He was wearing a very light sweater. The level of detail that you remember these sports moments is incredible. Lets talk about the cop shows. So the boston guys, the boston cops must have been a little reluctant to get involved with this. Yes . I think any cop worth their salt dont want to just get involved in a reality show right away. I think for me, you know, i know playing a cop i play one on tv. I dont want to make light of that. Ive worked with cops and probably played 800 jobs in my acting career. Ive had 801 jobs and 800 were cops. Thats beside the point. Thats helped me and prepared me to be the right guy to produce this show. I think i know. Jon they trusted you by the fact that youre from there. Youve hung around cops. They trust you you with this im a boston boy. Im sort of known in boston. Thank you. Im sort of known. You know, when we first talked to tnt about doing the show, me and my partners went and met with them. They were like were talking about doing a boston cop show. I said, look, well only do it with you, with this network. We cant do it on one of these rowdy networks with billy club smashing. Jon it wont be like the shirtless guys getting pulled out of. Once in a while. But its boston. I have to represent my city the right way. Im not going to make these crazy reality shows that people make. I want to make something classy that shows these cops in boston jon how difficult a job it is absolutely. So we went to the mayor first. The mayor, he signed off right away. And the commissioner signed off after that. And the chief signed off after that. All the way down the line they were signing off. They all said the same thing. Talk to the officers. If they dont feel safe with you in the car, youre getting out of the car and taking your camera and go home. As long as the officers wanted to do. The officers, having played a cop and worked like a new york city detectives, our technical advisors on blue bloods, hes taught me the most important thiblg. All about getting home safely to your family. Do your job. Protect the street. Protect your partner and get home safe at the end of the day. I knew that and brought that to the show. Me and the whole. Jon bostons finest. Going to premiere on tnt this wednesday at 9 00. Blue blood. Donnie wahlberg,